People don’t get along all of the time. We are often tired or stressed out and it can be hard to keep our cool when someone cuts us off on the highway during the commute, spills their coffee on our lap on the trolley, or lets their dog mark its territory on our doormat.
As a clinical psychiatrist, part of my job is to help people see the big picture and to keep things in perspective. Much of my work in this regard on the locked psychiatric ward is done by effectively modeling appropriate behaviors for my patients and their loved ones. Everyone expects psychiatrists to be cool, calm, and collected and most folks would think that this comes naturally to their shrinks…wrong!
People might be surprised to hear that psychiatrists are at a significant risk of burnout from their work. There is even a specific term of psychological lingo – counter-transference – that describes the intense feelings that therapists and psychiatrists experience during their clinical work. For me personally, the best antidote for addressing my own counter-transference reactions has always been striving to find the good in each of my patients, no matter how challenging the case may be.
But this wasn’t a lesson that I learned from Sigmund Freud or even during my training in the hallowed halls of Harvard Medical School. Finding the good in each person was something I learned in yeshiva from the teachings of our Hassidic Masters.
A lovely story is told about Rabbi Levi Yitzhak of Berditchev, of blessed memory, who once saw a fellow Jew smoking a cigarette during Shabbos, something forbidden by Jewish law. Approaching the man, Rabbi Levi Yitzhak said, “You probably are smoking because you don’t know that it’s Shabbos?”
When the man told him that he was aware of which day it was, Rabbi Levi Yitzhak responded, “You probably didn’t know that it’s forbidden to smoke on Shabbos?”
When the man told him he was aware that smoking was forbidden on Shabbos, Rabbi Levi Yitzhak responded, “You probably are smoking because you think it is good for your health?”
When the man told him that he wasn’t smoking for health reasons, Rabbi Levi Yitzhak looked up to the Heavens and cried out, “God, see how beautiful and honest your people are! Even when they commit a sin, they don’t make it worse by lying about it!”
The mishna exhorts us to “judge everyone favorably” (Ethics of Our Fathers, 1:6). Rebbe Nachman of Breslov of blessed memory wrote, “Even if your brother is a completely wicked person, one needs to search and to find in them a single thing that is not completely evil and in doing so will find goodness and the ability to judge your brother favorably,” (Likutei Moharan I:282). By searching for the good in others and focusing on their positive traits, we will have a profound influence on the rest of the Jewish people and inspire them to be better human beings. Certainly this captured the essence of my work – trying to help my fellow human beings to reach their full potential.
So at work, I have to remind myself what my mother always told me, “Everyone is somebody son or somebody’s daughter and has some good in them.” At home and with our fellow Jews, we each have to remind ourselves that not only is everyone someone else’s son or daughter…everyone is my brother or sister!
The Three Weeks of Mourning – beginning with the commemoration of national tragedy on the 17th of Tammuz and continuing through the 9th of Av – are a time for personal and national reflection as we remember the destruction of our Holy Temple. The Talmud (Yoma 9B) tells us that the Holy Temple was destroyed because of Sinat Hinam – senseless hatred between Jews. If this is the case, then the rectification of this destruction must naturally require Ahavat Hinam – love between Jews. Certainly there is no better way to love one another than to look for the goodness in our fellow Jews and in doing so we will help them achieve their personal best.
We must not only pray for the rebuilding of the Holy Temple – we must also be physically engaged in rebuilding it by strengthening our relationships with each other.
(9) Sharon, September 18, 2015 12:08 PM
So Sweet
I love that story, and I feel the sweetness and wholesomeness from the Rabbi Levi Yitzhak. G-d loves Truth, and detests liars as I do. Finding the good in others is helpful, and I wonder if looking back has a positive or negative effect when you're older. When you're persecuted by others for no reason other than you don't mix with them leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth. I'm not talking about the Jewish people.
(8) Anonymous, July 30, 2015 3:35 PM
God's lost children
My mother spent several years in mental health institutions. I would visit weekly and always felt that she, and the other patients, were God's lost children...searching for peace and answers. I now understand that we are all searching for those answers. Your words are very helpful
(7) Lee, July 28, 2015 4:31 AM
Emet
Our holy Instruction Manual is Truth (Emet Torahteinu HaQedoshah). Thank you, Hakham Ya'aqov, for these timeless lessons on actively making the world a better place. IMHO, constantly striving to see the good in others is a very tall order. And yet, if we accept the challenge, the reward will be everlasting.
(6) Anonymous, July 26, 2015 5:30 PM
Thank you
Thank you for putting into words my heart and soul. It helped me understand the pain that comes with trying see the good in others as I try to put myself in their shoes.
(5) Flo, July 24, 2015 1:41 AM
Look for the best
Everyone can always be better about loving each other...gotta teach this more keep writing this stuff!
(4) Suzette Vallieres, July 23, 2015 6:18 PM
patients.
I worked at a mental Hospital for years and then with abused children. You give yourself the freedom to do something else. No one said you have to be a doctor. You can be anyone you like ....and being alive and full of joy is more important for your self and your family. God loves all of his creatures and there have been many miracles that speak of his love. Those who suffer this much need tending to yes, but they do the best they can to function normally under so much mental torment. Do not judge them for they need our respect most of all. When you give some one dignity they will do their best to rise to the respect given to them. Peace to you Doctor.
(3) Anonymous, July 23, 2015 5:51 PM
Love for all Jews and to all people
Is it not time to recognize the "divine soul" in all Jews -- even those who are conservative, reform, or secular in Israel? United we stand. Divided we fall. We are all part of the same G-d.
De Smet kati, July 24, 2015 8:10 AM
all people please
In every person is God's light the begin of his spirit
Anne, July 26, 2015 6:05 PM
Recognizing the good in everyone does not translate into supporting or agreeing with everything they say or do.
(2) Anonymous, July 22, 2015 5:41 PM
Gotta be positive
People are people and we have to appreciate everyone's trying their best. if they aren't, well then I guess they should try harder?
(1) Esther Aura, July 19, 2015 2:10 PM
you are a breath of fresh air
I feel like saying "shehecheyanu" after reading this article. Is there truly a psychiatrist grappling with the fact that the patient has to be treated as a human being with much potential
. I do hope that there are people , especially psychiatrists who also believe in RECOVERY. Recovery depends upon professionals, family members and friends believing in the possibility . In my experience, and I live in Israel, in observing how professionals deal with mental health patients, there is so very little expectation of possible recovery. I have known firsthand of several cases of almost total, if not total recovery despite the labels applied to the people suffering from psychiatric symptoms. In Israel there is almost a total dependence on chemical intervention on the part of psychiatrists. Unfortunately, there are large numbers of people who suffer and are not approached with kindness, and openness as human beings. What in Chassidut is referred to as the "divine soul" which exists in every Jew, is not addressed.
Dr. Jacob L. Freedman I applaud your perspective. We very desperately to speak out.