I’m standing at the edge of the boat with a heavy air tank on my back. The ocean glitters in the late afternoon sun like a mirror of fire. I thought I was ready, but now I’m not so sure. I learned how to breathe, how to communicate with my hands, how to stay calm as I descend to the ocean floor, but now all I can think about is how heavy the tank is and how helpless I will be underneath its weight.
The instructor yells to me, his voice muffled by the wind. “Ok, now fall backwards into the water.” I hesitate. How far down will I sink? The unfamiliar depths are invisible as I stare for one more moment at the choppy surface that is crashing into the boat and spraying my feet with ice cold water. But I don’t want to hold up the group. I don’t want to be the only one who can’t just turn around and let go. So I do it.
I fall backward off the edge of the boat, and I drop further and further toward the bottom of the ocean. I remember how to breathe. I watch the other divers drop and swim around me like graceful shadows. I see clusters of coral reefs with thousands of multi-colored fish racing through them. I watch a huge sea turtle slowly wading through the water. And above me, I see the other-worldly glow of light that dances upon the surface of the ocean. It seems so far away now, that world above us. Here, at the bottom of the ocean, it’s so quiet I can hear the beating of my own heart. I can’t believe that just yesterday, I didn’t even know life went this deep. I can’t believe that I almost refused to let go, to fall backward, to trust that I would remember how to breathe.
When the Hebrew month of Elul arrives, I feel like I did at that moment, standing on the edge of the scuba diving boat. Because God is coming closer to us every day of this month. He is beckoning us to look below the surface and fall backwards into His arms. I am to my Beloved and my Beloved is to me. He wants us to let go and trust Him. To use the power of His love for us to grow and change. But where do we begin?
I used to think that change began with strengthening willpower. But willpower can sometimes ebb and flow depending on how tired, how hungry, how lonely we feel. So maybe change begins with changing one small habit? I’ve done that, and it’s true that in one month, most of us can successfully change one small habit. But Elul can be so much more than that. God is giving us a chance to see a whole new world this month. A magical, warm, beautiful place that has all year been just below the surface of our everyday lives. He wants us to feel how much He loves us. He wants us to notice the miracle of every breath we take. He wants us to notice the beauty of the afternoon light when it dances upon the surface. He wants us to hear the beating of our own hearts.
So how do we get below the surface? Rav Noah Weinberg ztz”l used to ask a simple yet fascinating question: If you put an envelope full of a million dollars in a homeless person’s cart, but he doesn’t realize that it’s there: Is he rich or poor? If you have thousands of gifts in your life that you are too distracted or depressed to see, do you really have those gifts at all? Technically, the homeless person with the million dollar envelope is rich. And you do still have thousands of gifts in your life even if you don’t notice them. But if you don’t look inside the envelope, you can’t use what you have. And this may be where we can begin. It is perhaps the greatest secret to change: gratitude.
Because when we are grateful, we feel connected. This is the month of building connections. To God. To each other. To life. And when we are grateful, we know what we have. And we notice all the gifts in our lives, we can use them to grow. So this is the month to say thank You. For the first breath that you take when you awaken each day. For your legs. Your arms. Your eyes. Your ears. Your life. For the light of the rising sun and for the hundreds of acts of kindness that He performs for us without us even knowing about them. The car accident that didn’t happen because you were five minutes late. The life threatening disease that turned out to be benign. The lego piece that your toddler didn’t choke on. The horrific decree that was distilled instead into a series of minor inconveniences and traffic jams. Thank You for all the goodness and the compassion that You weave into my life.
Thank You for the oceans and the mountains. The trees and the grass and the color of the twilight- drenched summer sky. Thank You for the friends, the family, and the kind stranger who picked up the dropped keys. Thank You for hope and potential and new beginnings. Thank You for this month of closeness and light. For teaching us how to fall backwards into Your Arms, to let go of our fears, to breathe in the darkness.
I can’t believe that yesterday I didn’t even know this world existed. I didn’t even see what was inside the envelope. I didn’t even know how much You love me. Now I know. And that changes everything.
(22) Anonymous, August 14, 2020 10:01 PM
May I use some of your article for my weekly Shabbat message that I send to my congregational Sisterhood. I am the president and I am continually looking for inspirational writings from others. If yes, please indicate how you would like me to cite the article. Thank you
(21) Anonymous, September 16, 2019 9:21 PM
Incredible article
I am one whose results weren't benign. They were scary, monstrous, all-enveloping raw fear. And yet within the fear it is the feeling of overwhelming gratitude for all the gifts that got me through. As the article relates there are so many gifts so many sunshines I call them. I call upon all my friends to reach out and touch those sunshines, let those sunshines pierce through the darkness. It can be done. I know because I've been there. We have a choice and I have always prayed for the ability to feel G-d's presence and love in every circumstance.
(20) Anonymous, August 29, 2019 12:38 PM
Thank you
such a beautiful article, thank you for this article
(19) Bonnie, August 23, 2018 5:18 PM
Beautiful and inspiring.
Your article is heartfelt and awesome. You remind us to notice the beauty of today, the days to come and the importance of connecting to G-d. Thank you.
(18) RaCHEL SHILLINGFORD, August 20, 2018 1:20 PM
THANK YOU
THANK YOU FOR THIS VERY VERY BEAUTIFUL ARTICLE
(17) Anonymous, August 19, 2018 2:49 PM
Magnificent as always, thank you Deb!!
(16) Anonymous, August 17, 2017 4:07 PM
thank you so much for giving something CONCRETE to actually DO
(15) Leah, September 1, 2016 4:54 PM
That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing !!
(14) Anonymous, September 1, 2016 4:45 PM
Awesome ! Love it.
Thanks
(13) Charles Kreiger, August 28, 2015 4:42 PM
Dear Sara,
Thank you for the analogy re: looking up towards the light when I'm underwater. I had done just that as a child when swimming at
the seashore; and I can remember the feeling that you describe so well. For those of us who have lost the attitude of looking up, Elul is again a good time to begin looking up toward toward the light of our lives. Love, Charles.
(12) Anonymous, August 19, 2015 11:58 AM
Great article! Thanks for posting!
(11) Rochel Leah, August 17, 2015 7:09 PM
Wow!!
This is incredibly beautiful. I love the language you have used and the analogies to underwater/under the surface. Thank you so much!!
(10) Ali, August 17, 2015 2:39 AM
great focus for Elul
Well-written and thought provoking. Thanks!
(9) Anonymous, August 16, 2015 5:44 PM
So insightful...thank you
Many thanks for reminding me how fortunate I am
(8) Anonymous, August 11, 2015 1:10 AM
Very powerful and inspiring.
A goal to work towards
(7) Anonymous, September 9, 2014 3:35 PM
Wow!! So beautifully written...
Thanks for your inspiring words....
(6) Miriam, August 29, 2014 11:47 AM
Awesome
as usual!
(5) Anonymous, August 29, 2014 11:03 AM
In practice...
But in practice , like when you've free time , what can you do to acquire gratitude ? How can you use your ´unused´ time to make efforts on that point ?
Jen, September 4, 2014 2:14 AM
Gratitude Practices
There are hundreds of studies in the field of gratitude and many wonderful sites that give tips for practicing gratitude. For example, keeping a gratitude journal is one of the most effective ways to increase one's happiness and positivity and of course, gratitude. It's quick, easy, and free. Check out: http://gratitudeparade.com for more info. The World's Very First Gratitude Parade is on September 21st during this month of gratitude.
Anonymous, February 7, 2015 9:18 AM
Send a card with kind words and a compliment, or make something for someone who helped you to show gratitude . Tell them you think of them often ...
(4) adina, August 28, 2014 9:22 AM
this article is amaizing! its so true, and PERFECTLY WRITTEN!
EXCELLENT! ABSOLUTLY AMAZING! B"H!
(3) Anonymous, August 27, 2014 4:26 AM
Excellent!
This is excellent! Thank you so much for posting this!
(2) Dan, August 26, 2014 2:47 PM
Thanking Hashem
Last December, the roof over our local Jewish day school collapsed. Baruch Hashem, it happened at night, so nobody was killed. If it had occurred just 8 hours later, my 5 year-old daughter would have ended up under the rubble. This article has inspired me to thank Hashem for this wonderful miracle. So thank you, Ms. Gutfreund, for reminding me.
(1) Heidi T., August 26, 2014 2:21 PM
This is nice, but . . .
I really liked this. That said, what about people who are suffering, whose tests results *weren't* benign, who *didn't* avoid that accident? It bothers me a lot when I read things like this, especially when the inteference is that God *saved* someone from such things. Why would God *save* some and not others? Ths is not a rhetorical questions, I'd really like to know what people think. I'm all for feeling more grateful for the blessings in my life, but I dislike it when it's suggested that we feel grateful for thngs that God supposedly saves us from, because, to me, it seems to separate people into groups - those God saved from tragedies, and those God didn't.
Shifrah, August 27, 2014 1:45 PM
My feelings exactly, Heidi.
Carol, August 29, 2014 3:19 PM
Can we really identify a "Tragedy"?
I used to think like that until a tragedy happened me - my daughter-in-law was killed in an accident. Yes, it was terrible, my son was devastated, she left 3 small children and the pain was unbearable at times. We asked so many questions including why G-d could not have saved her.
But after a while we began to appreciate things that happened as a result of that terrible day that would not have happened otherwise. My son remarried another wonderful woman and our relationship with another wonderful family was initiated that probably would not have happened "naturally". The amount of kindness that we are now able to do with our new understanding of so many trying situations is a real source of spiritual satisfaction for us. So our daughter-in-law's death was terrible for us, but also brought us into many positive situations. So was it "tragic"? While I wouldn't have asked for it, I try to be grateful for the aspects of it that yielded positive results. When Hashem "saves" someone from an accident, He understands that that is the "best" thing. When Hashem DOESN'T "save" someone from an accident, He understands that that is the "best" thing. There are no separate groups - only one group of people for who Hashem does the "best" for.
Orrin, September 4, 2014 2:30 AM
Maybe It Works Like This
Gd gets the credit for the good stuff. We get the blame for the bad stuff.