Circuit Court Judge Alice Gilbert had an innovative idea. She required every person convicted in her courtroom ? for crimes ranging from manslaughter to passing bad checks ? to write a 2,000-word essay answering four questions:
- How did my crime affect me?
- How did my crime affect my family?
- How did my crime affect the community?
- What can be done to prevent such crimes in the future?
On a recent visit to Michigan, I stayed with Judge Gilbert (who happens to be my cousin). I was intrigued by her brilliant idea of requiring convicts to confront the consequences of their actions, which surely had reduced recidivism in her district. Judge Gilbert, after 28 years on the bench, is now retired, but she keeps two boxes of the compulsory essays (with names deleted) in her basement. Always interested in the process of changing human behavior, I asked to read some of the essays.
I picked out the most severe crimes: a drunken driver who had killed a teenage girl; a high school student who had given birth to a baby, stuffed him into her closet and went off to school; a guy who had robbed a gas station and killed a hapless customer. With great anticipation, I sat down to read these dramatic confrontations of human beings with their shadow selves, these epiphanies of the damage they had caused to themselves and their loved ones, and the flood of contrition surely unleashed by such honest soul-searching.
No go! What I read instead was essay after essay explaining why the writer was not really guilty of the crime. Totally ignoring the four questions, each convict wrote at length ? some far exceeding 2,000 words ? of how events had conspired to produce the horrific outcome and that it was absolutely, positively not the fault of the writer.
Why is it so hard for people to admit they did wrong?
The drunk driver, whom I’ll call Frank, started by complaining that although it was sad that “this young girl, who should be alive, isn’t,” (he could not even own up to the word “dead,”) that was no reason that her friends and relatives should be harassing him with telephone calls and notes, both at home and at work. Frank went on to describe what had really happened that dark night when he was driving the pick-up truck. It was the fault of the weather; the rain made for low - in fact, no ? visibility. It was the fault of the girl herself and the man who was with her; they had hit a dog (proving no visibility!) and she was sitting in the middle of the road trying to help the dog, while the man was doing a lousy job of redirecting traffic around her. It was the fault of the police, who failed to test Frank’s breath, which would have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that the two glasses of wine he had drunk could not have inebriated a man of his weight.
(And why, pray tell, did the police not test Frank’s breath? Because both Frank and his companion Doris claimed that Doris was driving the pick-up. So the police tested Doris’s breath. Only later investigation revealed that Frank was indeed the driver.) Frank was adamant that the incompetent police should have figured out at the scene of the accident that he was driving (despite his own lies) and they should have given him a breath test immediately.
As for the high school girl and the dead baby, she didn’t realize she was pregnant until the baby started coming out, and she did everything she could to save the baby’s life, and ...
Why is it so hard for people to admit they did wrong? The first step in the process of teshuvah, of changing one’s behavior, is to admit, “I did it!” A Jew confesses transgressions not to a priest or any other human being, but to God. Trying to change without admitting wrong-doing is like trying to ski without snow.
The Shrek Fallacy
Three major obstacles keep us humans from that simple act of admitting wrong-doing. The first is a sense of “I’m as rotten as my sins.” The human ego is too wobbly a table to load it up with a couple hundred pounds of wrong-doings. If I admit that I cheated on my exams, then I’m a despicable, dishonest cheat. If I admit that my outbursts of anger traumatize my children/employees/friends, then I’m an out-of-control, savage ogre. My wrong actions are not simply the garments that clothe my essential self; they become my image of who I really am.
This misconception derives from the “Shrek fallacy.” As Shrek famously declared, “Ogres are like onions. They have layers,” meaning that they are complex beings with multiple layers of personality components. Since human beings, too, have layers, the faulty syllogism is that human beings are like onions. This is a lethal analogy because, if you take an onion apart, layer by layer, in the end you will find... nothing.
This fear, that we are nothing but the sum total of our personality traits and actions with nothing inside, leads to the existential angst that fuels justification and rationalization at the expense of truly admitting our faults. Justification and rationalization are splintery boards to bolster up the wobbly table.
The soul is like a candle flame. It cannot be tarnished, soiled, or stained in any way.
Judaism counters the Shrek fallacy with the assertion that a human being is essentially a Divine soul. If you take off the layers of personality and actions, you will find shining within a perfect, pure, immutable Divine soul.
The soul is like a candle flame. It cannot be tarnished, soiled, or stained in any way. Transgressions are like curtains strung around the flame. Many layers of thick curtains, especially room-darkener curtains, can shroud the flame so that its light is totally invisible, but the flame is unaffected.
The more a person, through the spiritual practices enjoined by the Torah, identifies with this inner core of spirituality, with this perfect, immutable Divine soul, the more courage the person will have to admit wrongdoing. The person realizes that sin adheres to the essential self as little as dirt adheres to fire ? not at all. Thus teshuvah is predicated on establishing a sense of oneself as a soul, on connecting to one’s inner core of good. From that bulwark, confession of wrongdoing proceeds not as a paralyzing, guilt-inducing exercise, but as the first step in taking down the curtains that veil the soul.
The “I Can’t Change” Fallacy
My daughter and I are planning a trip to Hawaii. I spent more than three mind-boggling hours yesterday on the internet, comparing flight prices, researching vacation packages, reading descriptions about various hotels, exploring the possibilities for kosher food, and investigating tours of Maui. I never would have invested so much time and energy if I didn’t believe that my daughter and I would eventually get to Hawaii. If I were toying with travel to an impossible destination ? impossible because the place, like Shangri-la, is a fantasy that does not exist or because the place, like North Korea, is off limits to American citizens ? I would not have invested myself in planning the journey.
To admit your wrongdoings in order to plunge into the journey called teshuvah requires belief that you can actually arrive at the destination: real change. This conviction is undermined by the fallacy that your actions are determined by heredity and environment, and therefore you cannot change. If teshuvah is your Shangri-la or North Korea, you’ll never embark on the journey.
Judaism insists that human beings have free will in the moral sphere. Yes, everything is determined by God except your choices between right and wrong. You can choose not to cheat on your exams, not to yell at your children, not to gossip, not to carry a grudge, etc. Free choice is, in fact, what distinguishes humans from the animal kingdom.
People can change. Don’t we all know someone who smoked for decades and then, after a heart attack, never picked up another cigarette?
The “I Can’t Change” fallacy is fueled by your past failures at reaching your desired destination. Mark Twain quipped, “Quit smoking? It’s easy! I’ve done it dozens of times.” If you have tried to stop smoking (or yelling or cheating or gossiping) many times, and each time you succumbed to the habit, then you are easy prey for the “I Can’t Change” fallacy.
But don’t we all know someone who smoked for decades and then, after a heart attack, went cold turkey and never picked up another cigarette? Don’t we all know a recovering alcoholic who, through persevering in a 12-step program, stopped drinking? I personally know people who, through the Jewish method of Mussar, changed themselves from screaming banshees who yelled at their kids several times a day to parents who almost never yell at their kids.
The travel brochure for the destination called “Teshuvah“ promises that it’s a long and arduous journey, but you can get there. And when you do, you’ll realize it was worth the trip.
The “God Is Too Small” Fallacy
The third obstacle to honestly admitting our transgressions is our hopelessness that the mess we made can ever be cleaned up. The life-altering process of teshuvah changes who we are so fundamentally that God erases our past. The result of our teshuvah is that God performs the miracle of expunging our sin. It's as if it never happened. If we do the requisite steps of confession, regret, and making a concrete plan to change (and, when another person was involved, asking forgiveness and making restitution), then God cleans up the mess.
Unfortunately, many of us believe that God can clean up a little marinara sauce spilled on the kitchen floor, but not six tons of oil spilled in the ocean. We have to remind ourselves that God is God, which by definition means that God can do anything.
Years ago a woman whom I’ll call Beth came to Jerusalem bearing a deep dark secret. Beth enrolled in one of the programs that teaches Judaism to adults with minimal Jewish background. When the month of Elul (the month preceding Rosh Hashana) rolled around and Beth started learning about teshuva, she recoiled. She had committed a sin so grievous that she was sure that teshuvah was impossible. When Beth was 19 years old, she had had an affair with one of her college professors.
You think God is too small to forgive big sins.”
This professor was married, with children. For young Beth, the affair was an escapade, but it turned out that the professor was serious about their relationship. He divorced his wife, who proceeded to have a nervous breakdown. Beth, however, had no intention of getting married at that age. She ditched the professor, but he did not return to his family. As the years passed, Beth was haunted by what she had done. When she eventually learned about teshuvah, she was sure that there was no way to cleanse from her soul the stain of destroying an entire family.
One of Beth’s teachers took her to a prominent rabbi. He told her, “Your problem is that you think God is too small to forgive big sins.” He explained that her sin was indeed big, but she had to realize that God is bigger. Beth protested that she could not possibly fix the damage she had caused. The rabbi advised her to learn the laws of lashon hara (proper speech). When other women would see that Beth never gossiped or divulged secrets, they would come to her to confide their conflicts. Eventually a woman who was grappling with the same temptation would confide in her, and Beth would be able to guide the woman away from committing that sin. That would be her expiation.
With an infinite God, teshuvah is always possible. Once we realize that our sins do not define us, that we can indeed change, and that God can absolve us for even the worst misdeeds, we can be brave enough to admit that we did wrong. That’s the beginning of teshuvah.
(28) Nathan, October 19, 2013 6:50 PM
WOW
This story was an excellent read and it spoke measures to my soul. I typically refrain from commenting but I had to and must speak for something so powerful!
(27) harold, September 9, 2013 7:17 PM
i didnt do it
im often reminded of 2 psalms one being Psalms 51 and the other being Psalms 1
(26) Anonymous, September 9, 2013 12:24 AM
Being True to Oneself
Your article truly instill courage towards the path of rightiouness. It is true that once the person repents and genuinely appologizes to the offended, the transgressor feels much better internally, and at peace with Hashem. Thank you very much for an educational, enticing article. I have always considered you and excellent teacher.
(25) Anonymous, September 8, 2013 7:05 PM
The crime I DIDN'T commit
Unfortunately this article gives the impressions that all people convicted of crimes are really guilty when the truth is our jails, prisons and court rooms are full of people who actually are innocent. For what ever reason and due to circumstances which I am sure are beyond their control, innocent people do sometimes get mistakenly convicted of crimes. Often because of over zealous police tactics, sometimes due to dishonest informants/witnesses with agendas, and sometimes laziness and plain old dishonesty on the part of law enforcement, regardless of the reasons, innocent people do not (and should not) apologize for things they didn't do.
Lois Homer, September 16, 2015 5:50 PM
True
We know someone who was convicted of a crime he never committed. He was at work with my husband when the crime happened but when the prosecution learned that, they changed the time frame. It does happen. Being accused of something you didn't do is hurtful especially when it's family members doing it and worse when it's the law.
(24) Anonymous, September 8, 2013 4:23 PM
Crimes in families
What about those "crimes," in families, where family members absolutely refuse to talk to a parent or a sibling because of a long ago mistake. No amount of time, no amount of asking forgiveness, no amount of anything works. We are talking about frum people, who while they say on Yom Kippur, "for the sins against parents and teachers," they hit their chests, and yet continue with this behavior. Hashem forgives, but they cannot. I have seen this time and again among so many people I know. What happens next? The children of these people follow in their family's footsteps, and they to keep the system going. It is terrible! I really feel for those people. When someone does not understand that the past can never be undone, but can be improved upon in the present and the future, but refuses to accept this, it is very difficult. They want the past to change, and that of course can never happen. Do people enjoy holding grudges? Wasting their lives on this fighting? And finally how do they reconcile asking Hashem for forgiveness, on Yom Kippur for themselves but not accepting it from their loved ones?
(23) Anonymous, August 17, 2010 6:57 PM
G-d really is there for us!
This is a beautiful and insightful article. G-d is always there for us waiting to repent, and all we need to do is take responsibility for our actions. While that is difficult to do I find it comforting and more easily done by knowing that we are not alone- G-d is there for us! Mrs. Shira Smiles gives a really inspiring lecture of this same topic at http://Naaleh.com. The class discusses how 'Hahem fills the vacuum created by our failings, and helps us to rise to our true potential'. Check it out here: http://www.naaleh.com/viewclass/750/single/
(22) Beverly, August 17, 2010 4:34 PM
Thank-you!
I thank G-d for you Mrs. Rigler. Your article was exactly what I needed to hear in this moment. I was gulity of all three misconceptions and it was really dragging me down. But now, I feel like I do deserve to keep living and I haven't felt that way in a while. I think you may have saved my life. THANK-YOU!
(21) shimon, August 17, 2010 11:03 AM
A few days ago,we in Israel,were witness to a terrible traffic accident where an entire family was killed.The driver had been talking to the passengers and didn't see the railway-crossing warning lights..... I subsequently heard that the grandfather had "consoled" the driver and told him -"Dont worry -everything is in G-d's Hands"! I think that we have to realise that there is a price to pay.Hashem can forgive-I'm not sure that people always should.
(20) ian senior, August 16, 2010 2:27 PM
chessman
Some criminals admit to a life of crime but not to a crime for which convicted. Such was the case with Caryl Chessman who was executed for rapes that he claimed he was innocent of nevertheless claiming to be be a lifelong criminal. His execution was a principal case for suspension of the death penalty in the USA and elsewhere. Admission of crime is not as simple as the valid reasons given in the article Hittler and nazis in general think that it is a crime not to actively demonstrate anti-semetic actions. Consequently Hittler went to his endmustering his energies to destroy Jews, attempting to complete his merciless work rather than shying into repentant secrecy for his continuous hatred. Crime and its admission are far deeper than mere conscience, but in summary can be described as a deviation from actions emanating from a well formed moral conscience.Anyone who patakes in such deviant actions, will naturally try to cover them, not only to excuse oneself, but also to prevent scandal.
(19) Silky Pitterman, August 16, 2010 1:56 AM
Only Beth is asking
I find it strange that people seem angry that Beth's profesor isn't being blamed here. The answer, as it seems to me, is that she is the one asking about forgivness. He isn't here. While they both were wrong in having an affair, the rabbi can only give an answer to the person asking the question. Perhaps at some other time, in some other story, he will speak to his clergyman and ask about forgivness but that isn't the story at hand. Also, by pushing guilt on him, it seems to be proving the point of the article that many people can't accept responsibility.
(18) Dina, August 15, 2010 7:04 PM
CRIME AND BRAIN
Recently has been discovered an area in criminal`s brain which is much smaller than in normal people and corresponds to the emotional aerea. Without this brain tissue(as in murderers) people can " Since they don´t have this brain tissue, they can never cure. Many cases have been seen, in which the person leaves jail, and goes back to do what he used to do. What do you think? thanks Dina
(17) Anon, August 15, 2010 4:43 PM
To no. 15
If the point of the article is about taking personal responsibility, in your case of the broken family, I'm assuming that the wicked woman did not force her lover. He also has to take his share of the responsibility. He is the one who broke his family. I agree with 9, that whilst Beth should have and did do teshuva (repent), not only was she not alone in this, the older professor was was the one with family and professional responsibilities which he dishonored. Beth should actually be less hard on herself. In general it is well known that everyone in prison is innocent.
(16) Yael, September 27, 2009 6:46 PM
hardest words
The 3 most difficult words in the English language: "I WAS WRONG."
(15) Anonymous, September 25, 2009 7:39 PM
i know a family that was broken by a 'beth' so its difficult for me to imagine forgiveness for such a person, but good for Beth for realizing the gravity of her sins!!!! the devastation she felt for what she did is actually a fundamental step in teshuva. many people just justify or rationalize the sins. regretting the sin makes the teshuva process possible,without the regret, teshuva, personal growth and a plan for the future will not occur. gmar chasima tova to all
(14) Linda, September 24, 2009 4:41 PM
Yes, we do unfortunately see admissions as a sign of weakness
Superb article. In my own experience, about 90% of people can't admit it when they have made a mistake. I am not referring to the big stuff in life, but day to day mistakes made at home and at work. Ironically, it is the person who has the humility to say "Sorry, I made a mistake," who ultimately wins others' respect and is seen as courageous rather than weak.
(13) Elizabeth M., September 24, 2009 12:00 PM
Some have missed the point
Several of the comments about the responsibility (or non-responsiblity) of Beth in the case of her sin have missed the point of the article. Rather than acting like the pregnant teenage girl, or the drunk driver, and saying things like "I was young, the professor should have known better, he was probably leaving his wife anyway, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, etc." Beth has ADMITTED her sin fully and was ready to start teshuva. Although well-meaning, downplaying the sins of others in this manner is unhelpful, and is contrary to the spirit of Yom Kippur.
(12) SusanE, September 23, 2009 7:36 PM
Who Admits Wrongdoing?
Criminals actually don't believe their lot in life is their fault. They just don't get it........ that they are responsible for their own actions. That's why they keep getting into trouble, Generally they will never admit that they did something wrong. There is no "I'm sorry" .And the white collar criminals rationalize that G-d will forgive them and isn't that what's important? ----------------- All of wrongdoing isn't criminal though, sometimes it's just doing something nasty to get ahead of someone else. In the case of Beth and the professor, some might say that he made a choice and Beth happened to be there at the time he was ready for an affair. It could have been he had affairs with a new student each season, or that his wife was a 'nutcase' and he was ready to leave her anyway. The professor is a liar and Beth wouldn't know the true story of his marriage. Beth is responsible for her own actions as a fornicator. She was selfiish and thought only about her escapade. The Professor is 100% responsible for his own actions and for the breakup of his family. For having an affair with a student, he should have lost his job as well.
(11) Anonymous, September 22, 2009 11:48 PM
I agree with comment 7!
I agree with comment 7! What about the Professor? Did he know he was committing a big sin??? Surely he is older, wiser and in a position of power to say "NO". Did he take advantage of the situation? Why blame the 19 year old?Poor lady Beth blaming herself when the Professor ets off lightly?! Isn't also Jewish tradition in many situations the man not the women is the cause of the sin?
(10) Jewish Mama, September 22, 2009 9:38 AM
beautiful, thank you!
Great article, life changing lessons to heal our relationships with ourselves, others, and even God. Thank you!
(9) Anonymous, September 22, 2009 3:46 AM
Beth is not the only one having doing wrong!
Good article and a good time of the year but not such a good example. Beth is not the only one who needs to do Teshuva! What about the college professor--- didn't he lead her to do wrong? Shouldn't he do teshuva? What about the professor's duty of care to behave in a responsible fashion? Wouldn't he have at least breached all his college's code of conduct laws? Why does this poor 19 year old Jewish woman Beth bear all the sin - where he has clearly committed wrong and is ostensibly older, wiser (?) and should at the very least obey his college's rules?
(8) Rose n, September 22, 2009 2:04 AM
RE: Why is it so hard for people to admit they did wrong?
The reason why people seldom say, :"I was wrong" is that it is due to being in denial that their sin or habit is bad enough, or that if they admit wrong-doing, it will make one very vulnerable after whistle-blowing his own actions. Nonetheless, people can either change or improve, provided that they express humility and learn from their mistakes.
(7) Lisa, September 22, 2009 1:10 AM
G/D IS BIG!
Thank you! Perfect articulation at this time of year... These thoughts will help me in my trip to "Teshuva-land!"
(6) Anonymous, September 21, 2009 7:32 PM
"eem roitseh oitze" Rav Nahcman
"This conviction is undermined by the fallacy that your actions are determined by heredity and environment, and therefore you cannot change" A particularly dangerous falsehood contains a large element of truth. In this case people seem to fall into the trap of mistaking influencing for determining.That false reasoning is the work of the yaitzer hara. it seems to me if one wants to change badly enough one will be able to do so, however it will be a struggle so best be armed to have a reasonable chance.[see aish video re bamboo plant as well]the sages state it is easier to learn the Talmud by heart than to change one's character,HOWEVER the sages also stated [Vilna Gaon and others] that refining our character is the reason we are alive.
(5) Miriam, September 21, 2009 4:12 PM
Unbelievably powerful. Thank you
(4) Raisy, September 21, 2009 3:20 PM
Spot on!
Your insights, Sara Yoheved, are so true. However, I do wonder whether Beth was directed to ask forgiveness from the family of the professor. Admittedly, that would be an excruciating exercise, maybe counterproductive? I am curious, though.
(3) Tzippy, September 18, 2009 3:04 AM
This is so true.
These are really true and amazing points. This is very well written and worth 7 minutes to read it.
(2) Mandy, September 17, 2009 7:52 PM
Fascinating
A truly fascinating expose of human psyche and why it is so difficult to change. Wish you could influence the whole world with this great article.
(1) Anonymous, September 15, 2009 4:08 PM
Love it!