For years I attended Yom Kippur services without having any idea why I went. Yet I sensed that Yom Kippur was more than just a long day at synagogue waiting for dinner.
Anyone who works hard knows the feeling as vacation approaches. The workload becomes unbearable as you begin to fantasize about sitting on the beach. Yom Kippur is like the soul's yearly trip to a heavenly spa resort. The soul knows that at the end of the day, it will come out refreshed and pampered like a new baby.
The Hebrew word for that spiritual spa treatment is kapara. Just by showing up to synagogue and going through the service we are saying: "God, I am a wreck. I don't know how I got this way. And now I'm stuck. Please help me."
Everyone knows about the New Year's resolutions that are not kept. The reason New Years' resolutions fail is because in order to change, we first need kapara. Kapara means that God is personally picking us out of the mud in order that we can succeed in changing to become better people.
In order for this to work, you'll need to do three things: 1) be bothered that you are stuck, 2) list the problems, and 3) find a detail in your life that you can change for the better.
It is impossible to change all at once.
Being bothered you are stuck means regretting having behaved in a certain pattern. Although it is impossible to change all at once, if we make even a tiny change to show we want to be different in even one area of life, then kapara can work. Kapara gives you the power to begin becoming a new person. For example, if a person struggles with greed, he should not say, "I'll stop being greedy." That is impossible to do in an instant. Rather he should say: "I regret that my greed is preventing me from giving to others. I am committing to change by giving an $18 donation once a month to a Jewish cause."
This is the process of teshuva (retreating from one's negative actions) needed on Yom Kippur. But beware of the voice telling you: "This is an insignificant change!" When a person does even a small change, he gets the gift of kapara, and with it heavenly assistance to -- over time -- change many details in life, until he eventually truly becomes a new person.
To make things easier, I've compiled a list of problems where I've found myself and others often get stuck. Go through this list before Yom Kippur, and underline what most applies to you. As your read the list, if any other needs come to mind, jot them down. Then, on Yom Kippur, read the list as your own personal prayer. I guarantee you'll be so involved in the power of the day, that you'll hardly notice your growling stomach.
The Letter Begins
Dear Creator of All,
You are able to do anything. You know my dreams, my hurts and my frustrations. You have given me everything I have ever had, even when I didn't deserve it. You are the only source of success, and only You can give me what I want. If You invented shooting stars and coral reefs, and a fiery sun 93 million miles away so I could take pleasure at its rays on my cheek in the morning, then I know You want good for me.
You invented love and You invented me. Just like Your making me was an act of love, please help me be the person You intended me to be. I know You did not create me to be mediocre, so I am asking for Your help in the following areas:
My Life Vision
• Help me quit daydreaming about someone else's life, and start living my own.
• Help me discover what I am passionate about, my unique contribution to the world.
• Give me the organization and motivation to do something about it, and the perseverance not to give up on it.
• Let me believe that success comes not from fame and fortune, but by doing what is right.
• Help me overcome my biases to see where I have shortchanged myself and others.
• Let me quit trying to prove myself to people I don't really care about.
• Let me stop settling for a life where being "entertained" is a higher goal.
• Help me to stop wasting time on frivolity.
• Help me be unafraid to confront my challenges.
• Help me make decisions that are difficult, and to stick to them.
• Help me consider the long-term effects that my actions have on my life and on others.
• Help me invest my life in what is truly meaningful, and to quit settling for quick fixes.
• Help me not be cynical or suspicious of people.
• Help me quit beating myself up for not being perfect, and to focus instead on developing my strengths.
• Help me use all that you have given me well so that you can give me much more.
Dating & Marriage
• Let me believe that I am loveable.
• Help me find/have a truly meaningful relationship.
• Let me trust that I don't have settle, but that I deserve someone who will respect, care and cherish me for who I am.
• Let me recognize, love and cherish that someone who is right for me.
Interpersonal Relationships
• Help me realize that my self-esteem is independent of the need to compete with others.
• Help me trust that my self-dignity will not be diminished if I give honor to others, and am happy with their success.
• Help me to be compassionate, to feel for the pain of others.
• Help me to care enough to do for others what they really need, rather than being superficially nice in order to feel good about myself.
• Help me avoid ridiculing others in order to feel empowered.
• Teach me to give people the benefit of the doubt.
• Help me to recognize that other people -- even those I dislike -- were each created with Divine potential.
• Help me to respect the environment, to preserve our world for future generations.
• Help me to feel connected to my fellow Jews and to all humanity.
Being Jewish
• Help me find discover the relevance and wisdom of Judaism in my life today.
• Please show me the spiritual depth of our Jewish rituals.
• Help me find the joy in all that I do Jewishly.
• Help me recognize that when the world talks about Jews, they are talking about me.
• Help me to care deeply about events in the State of Israel.
• Help me believe that we are really supposed to be an example to all nations.
• Help me to take responsibility for the problems facing the Jewish people -- because if I don't, who will?
There are so many more areas that all we need help with. Yom Kippur is our big opportunity to turn to God with a full heart and ask Him to help.
Share your ideas in the comments section below.
(31) Anonymous, September 22, 2015 3:16 PM
Thank You
I am a survivor of over twenty years of virtually every type of domestic violence. Having been away from my former husband for four years now, I find myself every Yom Kippur struggling deeply with the aspect of forgiveness and the fact that all of us were created with Divine potential. Survivors of violence have experienced pure evil. We know that monsters really do exist.
I truly appreciate this letter, and in recognizing that we cannot take every shortcoming or fault on at once. All of us need to take baby steps in our personal development.
For those of us who have survived horrific circumstances and who hold the blackness of hatred in our hearts, Yom Kippur is a reminder that we need to rise above what happened to us. We need to let go of some of that hatred. Unfortunately it is far from easy, especially after some of us have literally watched loved ones die and children harmed by someone who should have protected and cared for them. We are not our pasts. We are not all of the horrible things our abusers said we were. We ARE made in G-d's image. And by rising above, taking baby steps, and using our pasts to help and improve the lives of others, we in turn are making ourselves better people and fulfilling the teachings of Yom Kippur.
Thank you again, and have an easy fast.
(30) צורית, September 24, 2012 7:25 AM
המילים הנכונות בזמן הנכון
ערב יום כיפור תשע"ג 2012 אני מרגישה שבאתי בידיים ריקות עם נפש מזוהמת ממחשבות שווא. חיפשתי משהו שיעורר אותי, שינער, שיגרום לי לשפוך דמעות והשיטוט במייל הביא לי את המאמר הזה. מילים פשוטות יומיומיות באנגלית של ימינו והנה שלוש שנים אחרי שפורסם יש לו אפקט חזק. אז דע לך כותב יקר, שדברים שזרעת נקצרים בדמעה אך ברינה, זה מעביר לי מסר חשוב על השפעות המעשים שלי, קטנים וגדולים כאחד מתרגמת את התפילה לעברית ומוסיפה למחזור. תודה
(29) Marlene Wiltshire, September 16, 2010 6:01 PM
This prayer has really caused me to take a closer look at myself. Thank you.
(28) Dennie Noris, December 17, 2009 7:45 AM
Much to think about This gave me much to consider as it touches on issuses I wrestle with in myself. It clarifies them so welland is an eloquent prayer to become ones better self. I will share this with others.
(27) Mannie Lugo, December 17, 2009 7:45 AM
Hear!
Hope you have the most wonderful ligth shinning upon you.
(26) Anonymous, December 17, 2009 7:44 AM
Thank you - this is really beautiful
I've been praying for a lot of years, but this year I'm approaching Yom Kippur kind of empty -- I just didn't know what to even say. Thank you for this beautiful article. I've printed it out and will keep it in my machzor, to read when I need inspiration.
(25) Anonymous, December 17, 2009 7:42 AM
excellent
Excellent article that I and many others are enjoying. I too plan on keeping this in my machzor to reread and help me focus. Hashem loves us and wants our teshuva, we just need to talk to Him. I finally realized that this year!
(24) Anonymous, December 17, 2009 7:41 AM
Thank you for this touching, well written article! i just printed it out to keep in my machzor to get re-inspired in shull over yom kippur! Gamar Chasima Tova to all!
(23) Anonymous, December 17, 2009 7:41 AM
i beg to differ what i always learned was that the reason why new year resolutions fail is because people choose resolutions that are to hard to jump to right away. people must take small steps slowly. gmar chasima tov
(22) Anonymous, December 17, 2009 7:40 AM
i know this wasnt the purpose of this article but thank you because from reading this it is reinforced that i am not the only one who is struggling with these areas all the time and theres a comfort in knowing that i am not alone in this battle for growth- we're all in it together and we all have room for improvement which is indeed a positive thought- i give everyone a bracha to continue to have areas to work on because only through working can we continue to become closer to our Creator
(21) Anonymous, December 17, 2009 7:40 AM
small steps towards change
All I can say is that I tried to do something about my feelings regarding the stressful situation in Israel and Bears from Bergenfield was created. Can you imagine what else could be done if only more effort was put forth consistently?
(20) Anonymous, December 17, 2009 7:39 AM
Gives me much to think about Excellent article. The dating/relationships section has taken center stage for me. Seeing you include it here shows me I am not alone in this. Hopefully one day Jews will give each other a chance in the dating arena and we will not see so many need to turn to non-Jewish venues to find love, as I myself am feeling the temptation to do.
(19) Anonymous, December 17, 2009 7:38 AM
A Keeper
Thanks so much for such an all-encompassing article. I am printing it out and reading it every morning to remind myself that I can make the right choice, the more difficult choice and the choice of happiness.
(18) Anonymous, September 27, 2009 4:33 AM
so practical!
thank you so much! such great practical advice that will really help my yom kippur. great article, great suggestions
(17) Amofa Kofi Augustine, September 23, 2009 2:10 PM
Thanks for this article
I have learnt a great deal from this eye-opening article. If all humans, and not only Jews were to live by this knowledge, the world would have become a better place to live.
(16) aLLAN sAKINOFSKY, August 31, 2009 1:19 PM
beautifully put
The letter was written as if I was writing it myself and so to the points that we take for granted. A Happy New Year and a meaningful fast to everyone and may you all be blessed with what you deserve.
(15) Kochava, October 9, 2008 1:14 PM
Thank you
Due to illness, I am unable to go to temple today. Your article helped me participate in the day I consider most sacred and significant of the year. I am Jewish by choice, and you've helped me feel connected to my faith even though I cannot be with my congregation today. Thank you.
(14) Liz, October 8, 2008 9:31 AM
Is there a child version?
This is a really nice article. It would be great if there was a version for middle schoolers (tho with my kid it would have to be in the form of text messages or IMs to get her to read it).
(13) Al, October 8, 2008 4:26 AM
Very helpful for me
I am taking on board the things you said and added much of it to my own. You have made this so much easier to undersatand. Thank you for sharing
(12) Deena, October 6, 2008 11:30 PM
Great and practical
Thanks for a great article. Probably every point you brought up spoke to me. Good job.
(11) Sam, October 5, 2008 7:25 PM
Very helpful for me
Thank you for posting this. I''ve felt so spiritually disconnected from judaism due to my secular upbringing and some bad experiences with pushy ultra-orthodox "recruiters" who focused more on the minutiae of following the rules and less on big picture spirituality.
I have modified and added to the list, and just through that process I have begun to feel a stronger connection to God and to Jewish spirituality.
I want to apologize right now to the Aish Rabbis and to God - two years ago I was at your young people''s Kol Nidre at Petroff Gallery. I was in the middle of a breakup with my girlfriend at the time, and she phoned me in the middle of the service. I took the call, and walked out, jumping in a taxi to go see her and try to win her back.
I would like to atone for this by actually doing Yom Kippur properly this year - I hope that you forgive me and that I am welcome back.
Thank you.
Sam
(10) Anonymous, October 5, 2008 9:50 AM
Thank you for insights and words of my prayers
Thank you for the paradigm shift and for giving me the words I need for my prayers. I have been stuck and self-blaming and other-blaming for so long. Shana tovah.
(9) David Shapiro, October 5, 2008 7:44 AM
Study Torah each Day.
Work on helping others and giving to Jewish Charity. Put Greed out of your life.
(8) Daniel, October 4, 2008 9:14 PM
Another Addition To The List
Category: Ingathering of the Exiles HaShem, please inspire those of us still living [existing] in the galut to make aliyah, and enable us to be able to fulfill this mitzvah ASAP.
(7) Anonymous, October 4, 2008 7:59 PM
Good article - reading it brings about needed change
Great article - thank you. We all get stuck, mired in circumstances and mindsets in various ways at various times in life. Just reading this article brings about a small change, and hope. How satisfying, wonderful to consider we recieve "the gift of kapara, and with it heavenly assistance to......change many details in life". May we all become new people as the Creator intends.
(6) Rachel, October 3, 2008 7:49 PM
So well written
This was a wonderfully written article and one I enjoyed reading. So many of the things you wrote are what I too will ask Hashem to help me with. Thank you!
(5) Bracha bat Itzek, October 2, 2008 8:29 PM
Perfect Timing
What an incredible article just in time for the 10 days of Repentance. Thank you! Thank you!
(4) Anonymous, October 2, 2008 5:19 PM
Bettering ourselves, step by tiny step
This lovely article encourages us to ponder serious life issues and consider thereby the real possiblility of bettering ourselves. In doing so for our own satisfaction, rather than to impress others of our greatness, we open the likelihood of coming closer to Hashem.
(3) Sara, October 2, 2008 2:42 PM
Wow- exactly!!
This article sums up what teshuva really means. I was having such a hard time collecting my thoughts and saying wwhat I really want/need to Hashem. This article put the words in my mouth!! Everyone should know about this article!!
(2) Anonymous, September 29, 2008 10:22 PM
Wonderful!
Thank you so much for this incredible article. It was exactly what I needed to read today, and has given me much food for thought. Thank you!
(1) tanya, September 28, 2008 7:27 PM
very simple and inspirational!
If only people knew that this article exists and take their time at least TO READ IT!Thanks for making me THINK!