It's not that I mind giving charity to all and sundry, but I do mind being rooked. That's why my "don't think you can fool me" persona went on high alert when the girl approached our table at an outdoor cafe one evening this summer.
My husband and I were having supper with another couple, distant relatives from America. The girl wore blue jeans, a halter-top, dangling pink earrings that must have been six inches long, and gobs of makeup. Her hair was streaked with purple. I guessed that she was probably 16 years old. She mumbled that she belonged to a religious youth group called B'nei Akiva and that she was collecting for disadvantaged children, and she limply displayed her receipt book.
As an American living in Israel, I often miss the cultural clues that would save me from being conned. This time, however, I was savvy. I knew plenty of B'nei Akiva girls, and they didn't dress like that. In fact, at their meetings and when on "official business," they wear a uniform of a white top, blue skirt, and blue neckerchief. Because we were speaking English, this girl must have thought that we were tourists and thus easy marks. "Where's your uniform?" I quizzed her in Hebrew.
The girl shrugged.
"What chapter of B'nei Akiva are you in?" I prodded.
"Shechuna," she answered, surly.
Shechuna? This is a low-income neighborhood in Jerusalem, a neighborhood, I had heard, rife with drug addicts.
I took the receipt book and examined it. "B'nei Akiva" and something about disadvantaged children were printed in Hebrew beside the figure "5 shekels" (about $1.25). I turned to my husband and dinner companions. "Should we believe that she's really from B'nei Akiva?" I asked in English.
I was the best Hebrew speaker in the group. "It's your call," they told me.
Torah admonishes us not to close our hand or our hearts to our needy fellow, and requires that we give a minimum amount (enough to buy some item of food) to every individual who asks us. However, if someone is collecting for an organization, we're permitted to refuse.
I surveyed the girl uncertainly, debating within myself. "So what if she pockets the money for herself? If she lives in Shechuna, she herself is a disadvantaged child. But what if she uses the money for drugs or alcohol? Then I'll be guilty of contributing to her delinquency. Or what if she passes on the money to her drug-addict boyfriend?" The thoughts raced through my mind as the girl, her expression blasé, stood beside our table.
Finally my distrust prevailed. I handed the receipt book back to her and said, "I'm sorry. I don't believe that you're from B'nei Akiva."
She shrugged and turned away. For the rest of the dinner, I was plagued by second thoughts. What if her family needed the money for food or rent?
After parting from our relatives, my husband and I decided to walk home. On the way, we encountered two girls dressed in B'nei Akiva uniforms. One of them approached us and announced that she was collecting for disadvantaged children. She showed us her receipt book -- the same book the other girl had sported.
I felt like I had knocked a fragile crystal vase off a table, and now I stood there, disconcerted, staring at the broken pieces.
I paled. So, B'nei Akiva girls really were out collecting tonight. "What chapter are you from?" I asked.
"Shechuna," they replied.
"A girl claiming to be from your chapter approached us downtown," I told them urgently, "but she wasn't wearing a uniform."
The two girls nodded their heads knowingly. "We're supposed to wear our uniforms to meetings and whenever we're doing B'nei Akiva stuff. But most of the kids don't bother to. In fact, most of the kids in our chapter don't even come from religious families. B'nei Akiva started in our neighborhood as a kind of… I guess you'd call it… rehabilitation."
My heart sank. "Oh, no!" I thought. "I really blew it. Not only was she telling the truth, but she was trying to do a good deed, and I distrusted her." I felt like I had knocked a fragile crystal vase off a table, and now I stood there, disconcerted, staring at the broken pieces.
My husband reached into his pocket and gave the girls five shekels. As soon as they moved on, I asked him plaintively, "What do I do now?"
"Teshuva," he replied.
Teshuva or "turning around" is God's great, supernatural gift to humanity. Through it God gives us, who are the proud masters of our present and future, the keys to our past. By properly enacting the steps of teshuva, human beings can actually undo the damage they have done. They can repair the crystal vase to be as good -- or better -- than its original state.
For sins between us and God, teshuva entails three steps: Admitting we did wrong, feeling regret, and resolving not to repeat the sin. For sins between us and another person, there are two additional steps: Asking forgiveness and making restitution.
Standing there on that Jerusalem street, I realized instantly that these last two steps would pose formidable difficulties. To ask the girl's forgiveness, I would have to find her -- and I didn't even know her name. And to make restitution, to correct the wrong, I would have to personally hand her the five shekels donation, which meant descending into the depths of Shechuna.
All the way home, I mulled over the mechanics of asking forgiveness and making restitution. As it turned out, the mechanics, though problematical, were the easiest part of my teshuva process.
ELUSIVE TESHUVA
As soon as I got home, I went to my neighbor's daughter Netta, a counselor in B'nai Akiva. She knew the counselor of the Shechuna chapter and was willing to call her and explain my predicament.
As soon as Netta described the dangling pink earrings, Miri, the Shechuna counselor, identified the girl. Her name was Daphne, and I could find her at next Tuesday night's B'nei Akiva meeting. Miri gave Netta the address where the youth group met, a bomb shelter on a street I had never heard of.
I spent all that week dreading having to roam around Shechuna in the dark searching for the bomb shelter. When I finally got there, my efforts were for naught. Daphne didn't show up for the meeting.
The next Tuesday evening, I had a wedding to attend. The following Tuesday, Miri's cell phone was disconnected.
I was getting desperate. "Restitution" required making a donation to the cause Daphne was collecting for, but the fundraising campaign would not extend indefinitely. I had to get to Daphne before it was too late.
DELVING DEEPER
Since teshuva was eluding me, I sat down and considered what I was doing wrong. Perhaps I was being too facile in my approach. What precisely did I have to do teshuva on? Stinginess? Distrust? Skepticism?
My sin was not my refusal to make a donation, but rather my telling the girl that I didn't believe her.
I called my teacher, Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller, to discuss the matter. She explained that my sin was not my refusal to make a donation, but rather my telling the girl that I didn't believe her. In so doing, I had insulted her. Restitution would require building up her self-esteem to the extent I had damaged it. We decided that I should go to her home to ask forgiveness. Such a gesture on the part of an adult would be an ego boost to a teenager.
Everyday I tried calling Miri to get Daphne's address, but Miri's cell phone was out of commission. Finally, the following Tuesday, I got through.
Miri informed me that that very day was the final day of the fundraising campaign. The kids who had collected 200 shekels would get to go to Superland, Israel's biggest amusement park. No, Daphne had not collected enough. She was 70 shekels short and she had lost her receipt book, so there was no way for her to collect more money. Strangers would not give her donations without receipts, and apparently her own family did not have 70 shekels ($16) to contribute.
I was amazed. What Providence! I could give her the 70 shekels' donation! Perhaps this whole, long, drawn-out drama was just so Daphne would not be left out of the trip to Superland. What better way to bolster her self-esteem than to give her the satisfaction of having raised her quota and of being included in the prize?
Miri gave me Daphne's cell phone number. I called Daphne right away. Yes, she remembered me, the American woman at the cafe who didn't believe she was from B'nei Akiva. I told her I wanted to come to Shechuna that very afternoon to ask her forgiveness and to make a donation of 70 shekels. There was silence on the other end of the line. Finally, she said that that would be fine.
I told her that I didn't think I could find her house. We agreed to meet instead on the main thoroughfare that borders Shechuna. I breathed a sigh of relief. My teshuva was almost complete. And Daphne had fared better than if I had given her the five shekels at the cafe. The fixed vase was better than the original. Real teshuva!
Or so I thought.
EVEN DEEPER
As I drove to our rendezvous, my cell phone rang. It was Daphne. She had told her mother the story, and her mother wanted to see me. Her mother wanted me to come to their home. Her mother had a thing or two to tell me. Doing teshuva on this one, I realized like a school kid about to be thrashed, would be much harder than I thought.
I picked Daphne up on the main thoroughfare, and she guided me through the narrow back streets of Shechuna to her home. Her mother was sitting on the couch watching TV when we arrived. She did not get up to greet me.
She told me that she cleans houses for a living and her husband is a porter in a produce store and that they make an honest living and that I am not one whit better than they are.
Then she gestured toward Daphne, who was sitting on the second couch. Wearing neither make-up nor jewelry, she looked her real age, which, it turns out, was 14. "My kids aren't angels," her mother lectured me, "but they don't lie."
Behind every failure of action is a failure of character.
Instead of getting defensive at Daphne's mother's rebuke, I listened, truly listened. Then I realized that my teshuva had to go much deeper than I had imagined. Behind every failure of action is a failure of character. Daphne's mother was accusing me of feeling superior. The truth, I realized, mortified, was that I did.
It was my vaunted pride that had made me judge Daphne negatively. I thought back to my own youth in the sixties in New Jersey. I was the top student in my class, and I looked down on the girls with teased, bleached blonde hair who barely got passing grades, girls who thought -- when they thought at all -- that the purpose of life was to be pretty. As I had dismissed those girls as intellectually and morally inferior, so I had dismissed Daphne.
Daphne's mother had seen right through me. When she finished admonishing me (it took 15 minutes), I admitted she was right, and apologized for my affront to her family. In the process of fixing the vase, I was being compelled to fix myself.
DOING A LIFE REVIEW
The period leading up to Yom Kippur is the time for doing teshuva. Every Jew is supposed to reflect on the past year, identify wrongs committed against God or one's fellow, and go through the steps of teshuva.
If one's teshuva process addresses only deeds but not motivations, it's like cutting grass rather than uprooting it.
Too often, however, a sincere personal accounting reveals that, despite the most ardent resolutions to change, this year's sins doggedly resemble last year's. The Slonimer Rebbe wrote that if one's teshuva process addresses only deeds but not motivations, it's like cutting grass rather than uprooting it.
While engaged in fixing the vase, I must ask myself: What character trait caused me to knock it over? Clumsiness? Boisterousness? Heedlessness of others' property? If I don't identify and fix the character trait, sooner or later other shards will be littering the floor of my life.
A LIFE REVIEW
Rebbetzin Heller, based on classical Jewish sources, recommends a method that delves to the deepest levels of character and traces wrong actions to their source. This method, which she calls "A Life Review," is the first step toward permanent change.
Divide your life into its major periods, such as "childhood," "high school," "college," etc. For each period, write answers to the following questions:
- Which events were central to this time period in my life?
- How did I respond to those events?
- From my current perspective, which choices brought me closer to where I want to be today?
- What character traits motivated me to make the good choices?
- What character traits motivated me to make the bad choices?
As you review the various periods of your life, a pattern of positive and negative traits will emerge. Because you want to work on what needs improving, when you are done, review all your answers to the final question. There will be many duplications and different aspects of the same trait. For example, you may have listed:
- Pride
- A sense that I was always right and anyone not on my side was wrong
- Intellectual superiority
- Not legitimizing others' needs or point of view
- Arrogance
Condense all such duplications into one character trait, such as "arrogance." When you are done, you will have no more than five core traits that are the culprits behind all your wrong, hurtful, and self-destructive actions. Pick one of these traits to do teshuva on before Yom Kippur.
For any method of working on yourself to be successful keep in mind:
- Make a concrete plan of action based on taking very small steps.
- Chart your progress.
- Reward yourself for progress.
- Commit yourself to working on the trait for at least a year.
According to the Vilna Goan, we have come into this world for no other purpose than to fix our character traits.
We don't do real teshuva with superglue, but with a very deep spade.
Dedicated for the refuah shleima of Hodaya bat Batya |
(44) Anonymous, September 21, 2020 11:03 AM
Powerful. Thank you
Very powerful, thank you for your guidance. May you have the blessing from Hashem
(43) Anonymous, September 13, 2013 5:39 PM
Thank you.
I came to this article late, but it was something I very much needed to hear.
(42) gitty, August 26, 2013 5:14 PM
thank you. your articles are my daily dose of inspiration. they're the best!
(41) Anonymous, September 19, 2010 3:18 AM
Thank you!
Wonderful! Thank you!
(40) Anonymous, September 17, 2010 12:31 AM
Wow
Wow. This is really inspiring because Mrs. Rigler uses her story, a strong story to teach a lesson. especially great-right before Yom Kippur!!!!!!!! WOW, thanks! Gmar Chasima Tova
(39) Leah, September 16, 2010 9:37 PM
Excellent!
I am very grateful that you printed this article. It is the tool that I have been waiting for to do true teshuva- to change a character trait and yet I could no tfind the area to start....I am printing this and reading it carefully thru in order to get the proper meaning and to dissect the info.....Yasher Koach!
(38) Donna, September 16, 2010 7:20 PM
thanks I needed that story
To clarify my own faults. LOL people tell me how wonderfull I am...I try, but I fall short and this story helped me to see its not about me only, but its always about what Hashem wants. He wants what is best for everyone, everywhere. Thank you for sharing.
(37) Susan Stein, September 16, 2010 1:54 AM
On negative character traits
I have read your books and articles, and have some sense of how deeply you have worked on building your middot, or character traits. If, in spite of all your efforts, you still found this particular shortcoming in yourself, I fear to think of how deep my own shortcomings must go. May we all merit to do honest and meaningful teshuva and personal growth.
(36) Kimberly, September 15, 2010 12:19 PM
Thank you for sharing this, we need to look deeper into our lives to see the "true us" from HaShem's perspective, and not ours. thank you for the honesty in your story and sharing it with us. May we all be more humble.
(35) Donna, September 15, 2010 1:39 AM
realizing my arrogance
I often act very arrogant toward my husband. Your article made me realize how badly this affects our relationship. My vow is to really work on this issue in baby steps, at first, and, hopefully, a full-blown change as time goes on!
(34) Nechama Safra, September 14, 2010 1:56 PM
Always Give
When my husband was a rabbi in Key West Florida, about 47 years ago, the congregation gave us a house next to the synagogue. People very often knocked on our door and asked for money, claiming that they were poor. I always gave them a quarter. One day, a minister told me not to give those beggars anything. "They only buy whiskey with the money" he said. I couldn't turn people away so I decided to offer them food instead of money. They would sit on our small porch and happily eat the sandwich or bread pudding that I offered them. They were really lost, lonely people. Maybe they drank, I don't know, but I know that my small donation of food made their day brighter and I also made a kiddush Hashem.
(33) Pessy, September 14, 2010 2:04 AM
wow
amazing writing talent and powerful lesson. Thank you!
(32) Saul, September 14, 2010 12:39 AM
Thank you
Thank you for sharing...
(31) JDNY, September 13, 2010 11:16 PM
Amazing
This story was off the charts and incredibly inspiring. I wish we all have the oppurtunity to do great teshuvah not only before yom kippur but through out the coarse of the year.
(30) leora, September 13, 2010 4:57 AM
insanely good article
whoa.. this article was off the charts. thank you.
(29) Anonymous, September 13, 2010 12:04 AM
Great article and I can understand doubt. What I have discovered, however, when I have enough so that I can give someone who has less... I give it. It just makes it easier and I offer a little prayer that they use it for food or something positive. At that point it is their free will and mine was to give it. If I have no money I tell them and it is the truth. Sometimes people are fund raising outside a Walmart or grocery store and in those instances and armed with my card I can get a little to give to them. I have just learned in this life give if you can but stay in the light, not everyone will be legal. Use sense and trust your intuition. Anyone can look like anything and to judge on looks is a mistake. None of of knows what someone has on the inside. Hair of multiple colors or dressing in a different way are distractions and perhaps that is what Daphne was hiding from. At 14 years of age girls and boys are quite vulnerable. Some want to appear tougher and older than they really are. Be kind, always be kind. There is a soul in there. You really worked for this Teshuva and I believe that you earned it. Mazol Tov! Some people never do. Let's say a prayer for them and ourselves too.
(28) Patricia LoGiudice, September 12, 2010 11:11 PM
Wonderful real-life lessons...
I congratulate the writer for presenting an easily understood lesson for the heart... Many hearts were nourished by her simple honesty with herself. (And reading her account increases the hearts being "nourished" long after her "incident"!
(27) Diane Elisheva Kehrt, September 12, 2010 4:08 PM
Looking for devotion for these 10 days of Awe.
Thank you, for renewing my mind about making Teshuvah, All I was looking for was devotional prayers for this time of Awe, now it will be a matter of the heart, not just a ritual. Blessings, Elisheva
(26) Deborah, December 20, 2005 12:00 AM
Hope
It's important to do Teshuvah for anything wrong one has done. And also to forgive others for the wrongs they have done to us. A very nice article.
(25) Arthur Vanvekoven, November 7, 2004 12:00 AM
Yes! We must appologize to all
I once gave 25Cents to a beggar who said he was hungry. I later read in the paper he died in a hotel with a wine bottle. I was 16 yrs old at the time. A haunting memory!
(24) Miryam, October 1, 2004 12:00 AM
wonderful article
Mrs. Sara Rigler, I always enjoy all your articles.
(23) Raquel Benlezrah, September 24, 2004 12:00 AM
extremely touching and moving
I cried when reading this article. It certainly motivated me to make the first steps towards feeling better about myself.
(22) Alex Y, September 23, 2004 12:00 AM
Good Article
I read your article on Teshuva, and I very much enjoyed it. One must always be careful about such things, and forgiveness is a great thing.
(21) raye, September 22, 2004 12:00 AM
What awesome humility!
What some of the previous comments failed to realize when they stated that Sara Rigler was "too hard on herself", was that sharing this story is a valuable lesson to all of us not only in teshuva but in humility as well.
(20) Leah, September 22, 2004 12:00 AM
Been There, Done That
I've also hurt people by being judgemental. So I can understand the desperate feeling of wanting to undo the error. Thanks for sharing the feelings that went through your head.
(19) Aura Slovin, September 22, 2004 12:00 AM
Wow - what clarity, what honesty?
By this time I should cease being amazed at Sara Yocheved's style of open mindedness, honesty and clarity.
To be so open as to air your own 'deficiencies in a public forum for the expressed purpose to teach us and to give over what you have learned is indeed Awesome!
Thank you,Sara Yocheved, never ever give up your G-D given talents of excellent essays and writing in general. G'mar Chatima Tova to you and your family
(18) Anonymous, September 22, 2004 12:00 AM
Simply awesome!
There is so much to learn from this article! Keep up the good work!
(17) Tom Young, September 21, 2004 12:00 AM
Excellent
One of the best articles on the topic I have ever read.
(16) cliff gollus, September 21, 2004 12:00 AM
super!
Excellant! I have e-mailed this to each of our 4 member "dinner group" with the request that each pull one idea from the article for discussion. For me the intriguing thought was "we are here (on earth) to fix our character traits".
(15) Peggy J. Knox, September 21, 2004 12:00 AM
Thank you
My life experiences made my identification with Daphne and her mother. However, when I got to the questions, they are for anyone to help them look inside themselves. I am home bound for the most part and will not be going to shul for Yom Kipper. Instead, I will use these questions to go inside myself and take a look.
(14) Shimon Baum, September 21, 2004 12:00 AM
I think your whole story is ridiculous. Because you couldn't spare a lousy $1.25 you had to go through this whole process. Even if she was lying what did you think she was going to get with it a kilo of cocaine. Next time try not to be so high and mighty.
(13) Isabelle Barry, September 21, 2004 12:00 AM
so true!
I felt as if I was reading about myself. Thanks for providing us with so much insight.
(12) Anonymous, September 21, 2004 12:00 AM
true teshuva takes a LOT Of work
"Powerful and sneaky people use apologies as end runs around repentance. They betray a trust; and, when they have been found out, they say they are sorry for "mistakes in judgement". They smile through their oily apologies when their crime calls for quakes of repentance. They get by only because we have lost our sense of the difference between repentance for wrong and apologies for bungling.... We should not let each other get away with it. A deep and unfair hurt is more than a mere faux pas. We cannot put up with everything from everyone; some things are intolerable. When someone hurts us deeply and unfairly [deliberately], an apology will not do the job; it only trivializes a wrong that should not be trifled with."
-- Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive and Forget"
(11) chava, September 20, 2004 12:00 AM
CORRECTION!
CORRECTION! My comment was meant to read "....every wrong we committed in passing, with people we are so UNLIKELY to see again.
(10) Tzvi Hochstadt, September 20, 2004 12:00 AM
aish.com and Mrs. Rigler- the perfect medicine for our time.
As a student and a teacher of Aish I am struck over and over again how clarity and accesibility are what the Jewish people so desparately need. Thank to the producers of Aish.com and Ms. Rigler for poignant and moving material to help this entire generation grow closer to Hashem.
(9) Sarah Hannah, September 20, 2004 12:00 AM
Moving article
I was so moved by your story and inspired to find those I have sinned against this year.
(8) Yosef, September 19, 2004 12:00 AM
This was an exceptional article, thank you Mrs. Rigler. I don't know if the author reads the comments, but if you do, I met you briefly last summer when I was staying at the Heritage House after Birthright. I was a fan of many of your articles I'd read on Aish. Anyway, you'd wished me luck in getting back to Israel and invited me, if I was around, for Rosh Hashana. I unfortunately never got back to you, I couldn't remember where you lived exactly, but I did make it back and have been in yeshiva for the past year, B"H. This is one of the best articles I've ever read from you- may you be inscribed in the book of life, shalom, parnassah, bracha, and anything else of which you may have need. Shana Tova.
(7) Menashe Kaltmann, September 19, 2004 12:00 AM
Don't be so hard on yourself - Mrs Rigler!
Again an excellent and timely article by Sara Rigler and aish.com.
Just one small comment - please Mrs Rigler don't be so hard on yourself! All throughout your piece I writhed with pain. What you did in attempting to rectify the initial wrong was a great thing! Let's not beliitle your achievement and sensitivity in actually going to Daphne's house.
Why do you 'hit yourself with a baseball bat' in public by writing this if your final motivation and action were so good? Also from all accounts you and your family are generous charitable people so please be reassured G-d accepts your Teshuvah and Please G-d you and your husband and kids (ad 120!) will be Blessed for a good and propsperous New Year!
More articles about Israel are appreciated in the New Year!
(6) Margaret Wilson, September 19, 2004 12:00 AM
Forgiveness article
Your article helped me to see more clearly what making attonement is all about. It also made me think about the problems that I am having with my students at school this year and I have some ideas of things that I could do differently.
Thank you for your timely article.
Marricat
(5) Anonymous, September 19, 2004 12:00 AM
Don't be so hard on yourself
Good story. In the process of making amends you certainly did learn more about yourself which will serve you well. But I think you're way too hard on yourself, almost to the point of carrying it like some dramatic public display of mea culpa, mea culpa. As if you should be all-knowing and able to correctly size up any situation. It's a little over the top! We all "judge" whether we're honest about it or not. Your weighing your feet-on-the-ground experience with frauds and beggars against the possibility that the girl was telling the truth was an honest and logical evaluation of the situation. Our judging people on their appearance isn't made up out of thin air and while this girl had her reasons for not being in uniform, people must be aware that how they present themselves to the world does matter. In the end, you did good and did the right thing. And had you not succeeded I hope you would have had a good night's sleep anyway, knowing you were trying to do teshuva.
(4) Yitz Greenman, September 19, 2004 12:00 AM
Thanks for sharing
Dear Aish.com,
I suggest that you clone Sara Rigler. Don't share this comment with her however, it might not help with her teshuva process.
(3) amy blumofe, September 19, 2004 12:00 AM
how do I do tshuva, extended to me?
Ouch, Sara. That dinner comes full circle to me. You spent so much time tracking down Daphne and could change the situation. How do I do so, also? I was just as guilty in my view of her when she came to solicit money. We, all four of us, questioned her legitimacy as a Bnai Akiva member...
Again, your article makes me think. Amy
(2) Anonymous, September 19, 2004 12:00 AM
Wow!!!
this can happen to anyone anytime, your sensitivity and higher commitment to Hashem was not only emotionally engaging but highly inspirational. we all make mistakes, correcting these mistakes and stepping down from our ego takes great deal of introspection, humility, fear of Hashem and respect for his children. I recommend everyone tries to exercise their ego when judging others negatively, one may find that it is who really needs the "judging". thank you for your honesty and inspiration!! chazki Ve'amtzi!
(1) Anonymous, September 19, 2004 12:00 AM
I can only echo the comment of Yosef below
I can only echo the comments of Yosef, below.