Yom Kippur, with all its holiness and awesomeness, will atone for most of our sins, but not all. There are many sins that Yom Kippur won’t touch. Those are the sins that are between a person and his fellow man. Sins like gossip, slander, biting criticism, humiliation… you get the idea.
All of the effort you will put into your Yom Kippur repentance won’t erase the gossip.
All the tears and fasting won’t wipe out the hurtful words.
All the agonizing hours spent in shul pouring out your heart to God won’t alleviate the damage done to another’s feelings.
Atonement for these sins can only be gained by requesting forgiveness from those we have hurt.
Atonement for these sins can only be gained by requesting forgiveness from those we have hurt. The reason is simple yet fundamental. We must understand that part of our relationship with God is the relationship between ourselves and our fellow Jews. The two are inseparable. The Torah doesn’t allow for the railroading and trampling of individuals, notwithstanding any so called lofty goals.
The Talmud tells us that one of the questions the Angel of Death asks at the moment of death is, “Did you treat your friend royally?” He doesn’t use the terminology, “Did you allow your friend to co-exist with you.” No, he uses the words “treat your friend royally.” This is because we are all princes and princesses in God’s royal family and deserve to be treated as such.
Time to Get Over It
The following true story brings the lesson of Yom Kippur home in a most poignant way.
Shmulik was having a lousy morning. He just had a heated argument with his wife which he concluded by walking out and slamming the door of his home in one of small Israeli towns in the "West Bank." Rivka, his wife, was visibly hurt and pained.
Fifteen minutes later the phone rang. “Hi Rivka, its Shmulik. I’m heading into the tunnel and I just wanted to say that I love you and I’m so sorry for what happened before.”
Why the sudden change of face?
In years past there have been numerous sniper attacks in or around the tunnel Shmulik was referring to. People started calling it the “Tunnel of Love” because when you enter the dreaded tunnel, you realize what's really important in life. It suddenly dawns upon you that there really isn’t anything worth fighting over. Your fervent wish is to make it out alive and see your loved ones again, because after all is said and done nothing matters more than your relationships with the people in your life.
Yom Kippur is a tunnel of sorts. At this riveting moment we are begging and cajoling God for the gift of life and all its necessities. In return we promise to start making things right.
Well here’s one place you can start.
Pick up the phone and call that person that you haven’t been on speaking terms with. Ask forgiveness from those you have hurt and offended. Make up with your neighbor, ex-business associate or old classmate. Tell your mom, dad, brother, sister, spouse, kids or in-laws how much you love them and care about them. Because after all is said and done other things don’t matter much.
If you are reading this on Yom Kippur and don’t have the opportunity to call and ask forgiveness, then read Tefillas Zaakah prayer at the beginning of the Yom Kippur machzor.
Forgive with a full heart those who have mistreated you. Promise to call them after Yom Kippur to personally ask for forgiveness and have them in mind in your prayers.
May we all be blessed with the best year of our lives!
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(10) Anonymous, September 22, 2015 1:44 AM
Failure
My husband refuses to forgive my daughter who wronged him in the worst possible of ways I agree. She. Can never repay him how can I ever get him to forgive her?
Anonymous, October 1, 2019 8:52 AM
Holding grudges
You cannot get him to forgive her. He has to be open to understand his own grudge. Whatever she did “in the worst possible way” I guarantee someone has done something worse. He doesn’t want to look at his part in this equation because he was responsible for something, whatever her wrongdoing. And, he doesn’t have to forgive her, I think, she should make her amends to him by showing him she has changed her behavior. She should tell him that she is accountable, responsible and sorrowful & Wishes one day he will forgive her. If she loves him she should say that.
As far as “repay him”, of course that is a good question. “What can I do to repay you?” Meaning if money is involved and she doesn’t have close to the amount she stole, for example, they could work out an agreement. Perhaps $20/ month. Maybe walking his dog. These two are not putting their heads together towards problem solving or communication which is very frustrating and can create tension. Is there an outside party (counselor?) who could help with this? Good luck to you &your daughter.
(9) Anonymous, September 17, 2015 5:35 PM
Wronged by an employer
What to do in the case where I was egregiously wronged by an employer and treated horribly by the institution? The person who engineered this wrong was never contrite, not even when it was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was definitely wrong and clearly mistaken. The article says,
" Forgive with a full heart those who have mistreated you. Promise to call them after Yom Kippur to personally ask for forgiveness and have them in mind in your prayers." - why should I call them to ask for forgiveness when they were clearly ethically and morally wrong in this situation and caused me both personal and professional harm and malice?
This person who engineered this entire episode is not Jewish but his wife is, and they are raising their kids with Jewish traditions. This man's wife definitely knows what he did. Should I contact her to remind her of his wrongdoing?
(8) Lyone, September 28, 2014 7:43 PM
Thank you for reposting
This article never loses its relevance. Thank you for reposting it every year.
This concept of needing forgiveness from other people is one of the most important differences between Judaism and the other two major Abrahamic traditions. And I believe the other posters are correct: once you have asked for forgiveness from someone else and they have refused, it is then between that person and Hashem. God will forgive you.
(7) Anonymous, September 18, 2010 6:39 PM
after 3 tries at teshuvah
i've read if you have unsuccessfully tried many times to make up and the other refuses, that it is then between them and hashem. As for the religious person who doesn't walk the talk-shame on them .pointing jit out probably won'tmake a difference. Again, their kfatte is up kto one abovee.
(6) Jeff Gerstl, September 18, 2010 6:28 AM
I also concur and question this statement
I am reading and writing this on Erev Yom Kippur. I had a close friend (opposite sex) who was also Jewish and lived a couple of hours away from me. After I got married my full attention turned to my wife and this friend could not understand this apparently. I missed her birthday two years in a row and she was very hurt by this, even when I apologized. The second year she informed me with a couple of days notice that she would be visiting my city and wanted to spend some time with me and my wife. Unfortunately, we had plans with other friends. I invited her to join us but she said she would just feel like a fifth wheel which I could understand. An hour later she phoned me and informed me that after seven years of a very close friendship that she no longer felt she could stay friends with me. I was very hurt by this. I tried to reach out to her at that Yom Kippur and she rebuked my effort. I later found out she got married and she is still in the same city. She friended me on MySpace and Facebook so I felt there was hope. This year when my company was looking for a service that she provides, I contacted her to give her the business. She wrote back saying she was not interested in renewing any kind of friendship and the past was the past. It has been 12 years. She signed my ketubah so I will always be reminded of her for the rest of my life and she had been such a great friend. Needless to say I am still hurt, and every Yom Kippur I am reminded of this. As she will not accept my signs of asking for forgiveness, I feel that the statute of limitations has most likely run its course; I tried and she did not respond. I think G-d understands and I have suffered enough without her friendship. Maybe someday she will reciprocate. Until then, I live with it.
vera, July 26, 2013 8:25 PM
please forgive me
Jeff, I am reading about your sorrow of not being forgiven by a woman who was your friend. I am sorry about it. It always hurts not being able to make up with people you care for. I am asking you for your forgiveness for the bad words that I uttered while you told me to get out of your and my daughter's house. I am really sorry about the bad words. I wish I could take those back. all I can do is ask you for forgiveness. Sincerely Vera
(5) peter Vink, September 13, 2010 11:58 AM
No atonement for gossip
I heard a sermon years ago and have never forgotten what I heard, I was told that gossip is like ripping a feather down pillow apart and let the wind take the feathers, You can never undo gossip for it is like trying to pick up all the feathers and put them back into the pillow,which will be impossible. Thank you for the great article.
(4) susannah garbutt, September 13, 2010 9:33 AM
brilliant article
I think this article is brilliant, the idea of actually contacting others whom you have mistreated in some way and asking their forgiveness instead of forgiving them in your mind and prayers but without actually speaking with them is new to me, brought up as a Christian. I have suffered prolonged guilt pangs from my mistreatment of others, and also pain from their mistreatment of me, and if i could only contact them and apologise - but it's impossible now. However, if we did this every year it would be more possible, and having to actually speak with the ones whose forgiveness you are seeking, and also to have the opportunity to forgive those who have hurt you, in person, is a remarkable gift which would definitely ensure that we all started the new year with a 'clean slate' so to speak! It would be as new as is possible in this world!
(3) Anonymous, September 13, 2010 12:10 AM
Does this work for everyone?
Does this article suggest that someone who was abused (all kinds) for over 20 years, and has finally pulled back from the abuse, now call, and forget the past because as you say: "Because after all is said and done other things don’t matter much". I know of someone in a very sad situation and doubt that would be inspiring to them. I would think twice about having them read this.
Anne, October 1, 2019 8:24 AM
No one is saying to forgive an abuser, that is not what this is about.
At times a discussion with someone who has mistreated you may be handled gently, under certain circumstances, The result of that discussion may not be asking for forgiveness or making an amends. One would have to ask themselves ahead of time what their motivation is & what is the plan. Personally I wouldn’t do it, but my sister did.
Forgiveness and making amends is about you living your best life by letting
go of old resentments, grudges, disputes...I have even written letters to ask for forgiveness from my dead parents and “read it to them”.. This is another means when someone is not available anymore and you strive to be your best self. I love ROSH HASHANA because of the idea of our clean slate, having 364 days to practice forgiveness and have a close relationship with God.
Isn’t forgiveness closest to honesty, humility and truth?
(2) Anonymous, September 12, 2010 11:51 PM
Thank you for this article. One question though and that is if a person asks three times for forgiveness from the same person, is it not on that person then at that time because you have tried and have asked at least three times? Somewhere in there is a question and a statement. If someone has the answer can you respond. I read this in an article by a Rabbi but I cannot remember which one. Maybe it was in a book. Anyway, if a person really tries and still doesn't hear a word or get an email or snail mail is it cleared off the requesting party's slate?
(1) ruth housman, September 12, 2010 10:39 PM
atonement
This is by way of a rhetorical question on the subject of forgiveness. A prominent rabbi, humiliated me more than once when I sought to contact him by indicating his students were more important. For me, the issue I wanted to communicate was very important, not just from my perspective, but from a rabbinical point of view. Just before last Yom Kippur I contacted this man and he never responded. I am saying, I think when an individual indicates to anyone that they feel hurt by that person, it is in the spirit of this very sacred holiday to respond. I wonder why it is, there are so many deep words by people we feel are deeply religious, and then why, when confronted with real life situations, they do not act as they speak. And YES, deeply YES, to this article!