I got married without knowing it. I may have looked like a sophisticated 20-year-old to the guests at my wedding, but if you were a child who has been abused, there is a part of you that is still a crying baby, an uncomfortable adolescent, a rebellious teenager, screaming and protesting every step of the way.
I never noticed growing up. I doubt if I did grow up. It all passed in the blur that absorbed my childhood, with its unspeakable and unspoken abuse. Then, one day, several years after my wedding, I woke up. I was ready to wake up. I found myself married to a wonderful man and the mother of small children -- and my memory suddenly came back. Perhaps that is not quite true. Rather, it seeped through slowly, drenching my personality with a new identity: incest survivor.
It was the month of Nissan, before Pesach time, and I thought: "Good, it's the month of redemption." Perhaps I thought recovery and redemption would take just a month, and next month I'd be on to other things.
That was seven years ago. My redemption has been a slow one, but miraculous nonetheless. Every year at Pesach time I have new insights into the redemption from Egypt, and every year, the redemption of the Jewish people, as recounted at the Seder, gives me a new insight into my own experience.
Last year at our Seder, my 4-year-old son blithely mentioned how "they threw the Jewish baby boys in the river…" When I heard this I was sickened at the sheer cruelty and domination -- abuse -- of the Jewish experience in Egypt. I felt it viscerally, because it so closely paralleled my own. And it came to me: this is why it had to be God Himself, as told in the Haggadah: "With a strong hand and an outstretched arm, I took you out of Egypt -- I and not an angel, I and not a seraph, I and not a messenger… I am He, and no other."
The Jewish experience was worse than what I went through, which could afford be healed with a delayed recovery.
The Jewish experience was worse than what I went through, which could afford be healed with a delayed recovery. The subjugation was total, physical and mental, no slave had ever escaped from Egypt. There was no rescue service, not the United Nations forces, not an army of angels, not anything but God Himself Who could have redeemed us. It was ultimate, primary healing.
And that's why to me, it is the most dramatic part of the Exodus story.
Slow Unfolding
Sometimes I feel frustrated at how far out from the source I am when it comes to healing. Not the ultimate rescue of being redeemed from bondage, with the added drama that had God waited a split-second longer there would have been nothing left to redeem. I never experienced any intervention into intolerable cycle of abuse and neglect, no rescue, no rehabilitation. It just passed in its own time. I waited out the secondary and tertiary waves of trauma, for safety and stability to build, until the memories could resurface and I could consciously start to heal.
In that time, I have grown up. I find, to my great sadness, that I cannot heal with the immediacy and intensity of a child. I feel frustrated at how slow, tortuous and undramatic is my unfolding from sickness to health, from bondage to freedom. But I wouldn't be able to do it any other way. My system has sustained so many shocks that it couldn't take another one. I would recover, then expire.
While I mourn that the child in me was injured but never had a chance to heal as a child, and even while the child in me may still be screaming for the revelation of miraculous, supernatural redemption, I can still celebrate that my healing has the more mature flavor of reality about it. My healing is happening within nature, not above it, but it is no less an act of God.
I was born into bondage which has the safety of familiarity.
There is even an advantage to a protracted redemption: the very slowness of my healing engages my volition every step of the way, and in that sense it is a more conscious way to heal. Also, it's not everyone who could go through with it. Just as there were, among the Jews redeemed from the Egyptian bondage by God Himself, a segment of the population who wanted to go back to Egypt, there is a part of me that wants to go back. Like them, I was also born into bondage and it has the safety of familiarity.
But like them, I also have a destiny.
I don't know how I survived. I don't even think it was conscious. Just an indominatable survival instinct that must be an essential part of my character, a part deeper than I ever knew about. It kept me hanging on by whatever means I could until I came to a safe place where I could start to heal.
It's not very glorious; my children won't tell it to their children for generations. But it has its satisfactions. Now I delight in modesty; while once this would have been a travesty, considering what was going on behind closed doors. Now I have children and precious memories; once I had no memory, no baby, no nothing. Now I can, with God's help, take care of myself; not so long ago that wasn't even a possibility.
I am proud of changing myself, changing the pattern of dysfunction that has been with my family for generations. I am grateful that God took me out. I know that just as God took us of Egypt to serve Him with our fullest heart, He redeemed me for the very same reason.
(26) Miriam, April 10, 2019 12:29 AM
thank you
Thank you for sharing this small part of your journey with us. It must have been incredibly painful to write, and your honesty is inspiring. I hope we can one day break the taboo of silence in the religious world and bring real healing, and real hope, to all those who suffer now, and to save the generations who might otherwise suffer in the future.
May you have a complete refuah shelemah, of body and mind and spirit.
(25) Lisa Aiken, March 10, 2013 6:05 PM
effective therapy is available
EMDR is a therapy that has helped thousands of children and adults who were abused or otherwise traumatized. Research has repeatedly shown that it helps much more rapidly and is much more effective than conventional therapy.
(24) Anonymous, April 13, 2009 9:19 AM
Thank you for sharing. There are many of us who are or have been in situations or relationships with people who degraded them until the person herself felt so enslaved that she didn't know she had a tzelem elokim. This is my first Pesach free, released from my personal bondage. While reciting the Hagaddah, it was difficult for me to say, This year we are slaves next year we will be free, I already feel free. I realise that for the Jewish nation we aren't yet totally free, yet as I renew my life as a free person, I'll give myself time to reconnect emotionally to the rest of klal yisroel. I was in an abusive marriage for 21 years. I got out 8 months ago. I was in denial for so many years because I wanted to have an intact family, for me and my children. I tried to cover up all the abuse. We looked good to the outsider. I also feel very connected to Pesach, and see a lot of parallels in my life. If Hashem didn't redeem the bnei yisroel from Egypt they would have sunk down to the 50th level of Tumah and not have been able to be redeemed, I feel like Hashem took me out of my house, before I sunk to the point of know return, and as the bnei yisroel were taken out "bchipazon" I ran away from my home, and city with my children with out our belongings. Now I am free, even though to my community, it looks like I ruined my life. I'm gratefull to no longer be controlled and subjagated. it's a long healing process, I'm gratefull to Hashem for revealing the truth to me and gratefull that I was given the gift of life and freedom to choose.
(23) Anonymous, April 8, 2007 8:34 PM
Thank you
Thank you for sharing...I was shocked when first reading and then relieved to know that I am not alone. There are others who have survived and have begun to heal too.
Thank you
(22) Anonymous, April 4, 2007 8:41 PM
my son has gone through this.
my son is not yet 12.when he was a child and toddler his mothers family commited incest with him.he has the scars fromit still.the courts ,when made statements,only accused him and threatened him for making this up.i gave him a vocabulary to speak these things and end it.yet the system only said he was too young to have a vocabulary like this.no wonder these people act with immpunity and committ multiple offenses with no punishment.the courts protect them and preserve their right to prey on our children. my son has supressed these memories.he only his mom and grand parents on her side "hurt him".the scars remain,mental and physical.the courts still require contact with these people.un-supervised.it takes months to get him back on track from these contacts.school is rupted and all facets of behavior. thanks for speaking out.i will share this with him. because at some point he will recall all this.i would much rather be there whern this happens than him be alone as you were with this and confronts these disgusting events.as he said this Pesach" this is my favorite season" Hashem has delivered him from these people.he has little or no contact with them due to attrition not the courts or any other form justice except that of HaRochaman HaShem. with an out strched arm.
(21) Anonymous, March 27, 2007 1:06 PM
I have been there......
I am proud of you even that I do not know you.I have never experienced incest and I am very grateful for that.
I have experienced physical abuse and definately emotional abuse and neglect from my family and I, too think of Pesach as a personal redemption.
I use to be resentful of kids my age(at that time)because they did not have the same experiences that I had and how dare they not understand.
Now, that I am in my thirties and have healed, Thank G-d, I am grateful to have a family-also with a wonderful man and three beautiful children.
It took years for me to unfold the trauma as well. It was not easy also.
For me, Pesach is not a holiday of complaints with regards to the amount of cleaning. I can never answer for anyone except myself. So, when the rabbeim ask the question outwardly of others, "How are we suppose to see PEsach as though we personally left Egypt?" I can answer inside myself that I have my own personal story of slavery and freedom and somehow, this smaller version helps me as well as the author to bring this seemingly impossible task much closer.
Thank you for being brave and sharing. May Hashem grant you continued strength and something that I have learned That I find valuable:
There is no closure, only resilience. It sounds harsh, yet actually it is strong. It really means that no one can change what happened, yet I can be strong thru it all.
Be well
Chag Kosher and Freilichen Pesach
(20) Debora, March 27, 2007 12:45 PM
Help me
Revising my life, I always find myself responsible for bad things happen to me; bad decesions - bad consequences. The other day came up to me; "What did I possibly do that I was sexually abused in the age of five (5) by teenage neighbour?!"
Probably nothing. I held my parents responsible, because they left me unattended at home. They had to work. I forgive them and him, he died of cancer few years ago.
Now, I'm alone. I don't have husband and children and I'm not sure what does God want me to do?! How to apply this time of redemption on me?
Future parents, if you are not able to take care for your children, do not have them! Be responsible!
(19) anonymous, March 26, 2007 3:01 PM
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, and encouraging all of us. May Hashem give you, and everyone else, the strength and ability to fully live life and serve Him in the best way possible.
(18) Anonymous, March 25, 2007 11:39 PM
You sound very motivated. Keep up the effort!
Bs"D Thank you for sharing your pain and your release from "bondage". It gives clarity to others who have sufferred abuse in their lives. I slept away 28 years of an abusive marriage and I am just now beginning to heal. Victims of abuse need to have tremendous compassion for themselves, to forgive themselves, and to allow themselves to grow up a second time. You sound very motivated. Keep up the effort!
(17) Elissa G, March 25, 2007 9:15 PM
Behind Closed doors
Thank you for speaking out loud and sharing your personal experience. The courage, childhood, confidence and future marital relationships have been stolen from so many violated, neglected and abused children. Their worlds have been shattered. Intergenerational Transmission of abuse must be stopped but first acknowledged. The secrets/denial must be dealt with and perpetrators stopped. Watch the children and grandchildren as the abuse repeats.G-d grant you Freedom from the emotional chains and the continued strength to share your story to give those many others who experienced the undescribable betrayals a strong arm to grab onto. Next Year in......
(16) Charlene, March 25, 2007 7:06 PM
Another Survivor
HaShem never puts more on us than we can bear, and though a tragedy seems the worst, like the freed slaves from Egypt to the Promised Land, we get through it with the help of The Almighty, Blessed be He, and often those He sends into our lives to ease the pain, a rabbi, a neighbor, a close friend or relative. In retrospect, we find we were never with support.
I never want to go back -- going forward is the only way to survive to the fullest of one's being. The story of the Exodus, with so many events scribed for us, is a lesson in temperance. HaShem was teaching them, as well as for us to extract the lessons being taught to them, to wait on the Lord and be obedient -- even when we can't see what's ahead -- to remain faithful against all the odds. Living in a dysfunctional family, you invariably pick up someone else's baggage. When you grow up, you learn options: Return it, leave it behind, or sort through the material inside, keep what you like, and throw out what is useless. It is temperance and patience that helps the most. Those who have been abused have the right to validate their feelings, but we don't have the right to stay in the past nor to repeat the abuse to others. We even learn to forgive others as HaShem forgives us. Pesach works two ways. As HaShem is merciful and gracious to us, we learn to apply it in our lives to ourselves and others. We have a right to forgive ourselves while we forgive others. The best way to heal is when we reach out to help someone else, sometimes the benefactor never knows who we are, but HaShem and you know. Beneit chorin -- to be really free to focus and serve HaShem. He gave us the Tanach that is the roadmap to learn of His ways and doings.
This Pesach, the Great Hillel reminds us of much to be thankful for.
(15) Anonymous, March 25, 2007 1:43 PM
Sara, your story is beautifully written, touching, and meaningful. How wonderful that you are such a strong person that you were able to pick yourself up and begin again. Thank you for sharing this with us and inspiring us.
(14) Anonymous, March 25, 2007 11:37 AM
Thank you Sara for this piece. At age 50, I am beginning to remember who I was as a child, something I had blocked out for many years. After reading one of Rabbi Rami Shapiro's books, _Minyan_ I was encouraged to begin meditating twice daily again, this time on one of the Hebrew names of G-d. It is healing me in a way I did not think possible, giving me that emotional resiliency that I lost so many years ago. G-t ist goot.
(13) sharon, March 25, 2007 9:29 AM
Someone was praying for you. God answers prayer and he answered someone's prayer for yur redemption. We have hope, we have a hope. Thank you for sharing your story- it takes courage to do that. God continue to bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you.....
(12) Ruthie, May 2, 2005 12:00 AM
Such a wonderful way to express the pain and the healing. I'm concerned that the issue of sexual and physical abuse of Jewish children by Jewish relatives, friends whomever is not dealt with and that the perpetrator gets away with the vile, murderous behavior andthe victim losses part of her soul. This type of abuse is soul murder and cannot be forgiven by anyone but god. A price needs to be paid by the perpetrator or it continues usually the perpetrator believe he has a "right" to do the sexual/physical/emotional; abuse.
(11) Toma Rafael, April 30, 2005 12:00 AM
Response to Sara Sheiner-My persnal redemption
I know this is late to press,but after rereading Pesach AISH,My body and soul cries out in utter pain even after all these years.I pray there is a special place for those of us who,like Sara,have had to live with these scars from various abuses.The after effects of the incestual abuses are(or so it seems to me),so much harder to overcome.We were robbed of our childhoods,and, I am certain that the long term chances for recovery are fewer.The only way that I can say that I was saved from an abreviated, self destructive life was thru the entervention of G-d Himself,reaching into the quagmire of my world and giving me a reason to change the chain of "abuse begats abuse" that used to be,(and maybe still is)the popular concensus.I am reminded of my "Deliverance from my 'Egypt' every Pesach,although, I still have trouble sometimes,thinking back,of having a very,very hard time in my mind, of hating(I know,,,)the male relative that abused a 9 year old boy. Trouble and a dysfunctional(?)lifestyle were my only escape at that time in my life.I ran away from home,and basically stayed gone until I was able to confront and conquer the Adversary,with G-d's help,which was in my early thirties.I am bumping 50 years old now,married 28 years,and the father of a wonderful gift from G-d that was a neglected,not abused,infant when she came to us.This child of G-d was and is my and my wife's new "lease on life" and my eyes still leak badly as I write this, thinking of all the souls that didn't get a chance to survive and enjoy the Love and Life that G-d has for us.I must also admit that a lot of the tears are self centered,as I continue to struggle with the Adversary to protect my family from the evil and abominations that are infesting this world.In closing, I would like to thank Sara for her story,for all of us.It helps me to be strenghtened and reassured that we will be okay.Edit and or disregard as you please.Between tears,I had to say this,graphic or not,because I'm sure there are other men out there that live with the same scars(or festering wounds if they let it be)and the carrying of these scars is an almost unbearable load.Toda Raba
(10) Vade Bolton, April 28, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you
Thanks for sharing this story of personal redemption. It brought hope and a reminder for me of mental abuse of years ago as a child. You story gives hope and encouragement
(9) stella, April 28, 2005 12:00 AM
Hashem bless you
With sadness I read.
May Hashem give your inner child complete healing. Amen.
Thank you for a story related so courageously, you are strong and will grow stronger, Hashem is with you.
G-d Bless. stella.
(8) D'rorah, April 23, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you for your honesty and humility...
may G-d bless you in your quest to grow, in spite of but probably due to your hardships. I too have had similar experiences and am also in the process of coming out of mitzrayim, baruch HaShem. Chag Sameach!
(7) Laura, April 19, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you Sara
Thank you Sara for sharing your experiences with us (the reader). You are really making a difference for the better. I was abused in grade school...for years I just tried to "forget about it." But my experience never left my mind, it became part of who I am today.
(6) Anonymous, April 19, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you for putting the exact words down that I could have written about my own life/marriage/children. what a long road it's been. there's some comfort knowing there are others who have the same story, albeit, a horrible shame on our people. Chag Sameach
(5) denise, April 18, 2005 12:00 AM
My day will be better
Hi.
I am very far from US but I always read Aish articles.
This article shows me one more time that God always work on the right time.
He knows everything and He are acting and have a wonderful plan for me.
Thank you.
(4) Edna, April 18, 2005 12:00 AM
Wonderful
Having come from abuse myself I found this articulating exactly how I have felt about my recovery process down through the years. I felt like she was writing about me.
Being born into captivity DOES have it familiarity. Sometimes I too think it would just be easier to go back to my "Egypt". Learning how to live normally and healthily is hard work. What other people take for granted, I never do. I desire to be treated righteously.
In my 50s I am just now learning how life is really supposed to be lived. Some would think that sad, I think it's miraculous that at any time in my life I could be so blessed.
(3) Rachel, April 17, 2005 12:00 AM
Beautiful
Thank you so much for telling your story. There are many of us out here who have gone through similar, and have found the healing to be just as you said, but when the healing is finally finished, it's solid and strong, and OURS. May you be for a blessing, may all of us who have managed to stop the cycle in our families, be for a blessing.
(2) Anonymous, April 17, 2005 12:00 AM
just re-insert my name!
wow! it's like you are writing MY story! i could not possibly say all that i could about this article, yet i too experienced the same.....Pesach fo rme is an interesting one. It is the easiest time- even with cleanig , for me to say that i understand (somewhat) what it is lke to be an " aved b'mitzraim."
The abuse and the neglect and especially at Pesach time s so ironic for me.......no one else could possibly understand.... so when every one asks the question about how could we possibly have nay clue about slavery and egypt....i always think to myself...go back to your family life(mine) and it is layed out for me and that is the closest thing....justlikeyou i got married and went thru it like a dream and then one day woke to find myslef married to a wonderful man and i have three(BH ) children and have gone to get help-and even with the help it still takes years...in the helaing process i have come to embace the abuse and the neglect...and when -believe it or not Pesach comes...i smile knowing that i have come this far _only with Hashem's help(His mighty hand and HIs outstreched arm)....and yes, you are right at the same time- that we still had it easier than they did...
Thank you for sharing this wonderful article with us.....i am going back to my cleaning with renewed meaning!
Kosher and freilichen Pesach
(1) Anonymous, April 17, 2005 12:00 AM
Though I am not a survivor of incest, I am a survivor of a dysfunctional family. My healing is a process that has also taken 7 years so far. I also take pride, as you say, in breaking the cycle of dysfunction. That part of me came out in this poem:
The buck stops here
I will not pass it on
From generation to generation
Like some mother-of-all-bombs
I will seek it out
I will find it, then
I will crush it
Conquer it
never feel its pain again
It has followed me around
My companion all these years
Been the cause of all my sorrow
Been the source of all my tears
But now I'M after IT
Now I have the upper hand
So I'll make it fade away
Like some footprint in the sand