"You cannot understand what it was like. You can't imagine."
Suddenly our family Seder, usually exuberant with words of Torah, song, and the telling of our ancestors' exodus from Egypt, becomes more solemn, as my grandfather approaches the Hagadda with the baggage of a Holocaust survivor.
"What about all the times when God didn't save us?"
He can't help but ask the unanswerable questions which continue to haunt his thoughts. The younger generations sitting at the table grapple to explain the "answers" we tell ourselves to support our beliefs -- beliefs my grandfather himself puts into practice even after years of questioning. But as soon as he says it, describing just two graphic examples of the horror, I know my grandfather is right: "You were not there. You can never understand."
I distract myself by casting my gaze downward toward the bowl of maror (bitter herbs) sitting before me. I hold a plastic fork in my hand, using it to mix around the ground up pieces of horseradish. The tiny pieces move around the bowl easily, ready to be swallowed with a minimum amount of challenge to the taste buds.
This piece is too large, too hard and bitter to be eaten whole.
And then, my fork hits something solid. Mixed up among the tiny pieces lies a large chunk of the original horseradish root, as solid as ever. I try to cut it and stab it with my fork, but to no avail. This piece will not be broken up tonight. It is too large, too hard, and too strong and bitter for anybody to eat whole.
I look up at my grandfather. I attempt to say something worthwhile, some words of comfort. We are still here, getting stronger, still praising God for the good. Thoughts that evil is man-made flit through my head. Thoughts that perhaps, regardless, we just can't understand, mortal humans as we are. But as my eyes turn back to the maror, silence is my response.
Why can't that chunk just go away? It's so much easier to deal with the mixture that has gone through the food processor. Frustrated, I stab at the chunk again, thinking how this piece is more connected to its root than the other pieces. This piece contains more bitterness than any of the ground up pieces.
The images will not go away from my grandfather's brain. He speaks of rabbis humiliated by Nazis who cut their skin off together with their beards, of public hangings. The pain and bitterness is rock solid, indigestible. But for myself, my brothers, my parents, the pain is ground up into tiny, palatable pieces. What can we do about the troubled solid chunk sitting in the bowl?
My eyes divert from the bowl before me and shift to the other symbolic foods on the table. They stop and rest on the lump of charoset (a mixture of sweet ingredients, including apples, wine, and nuts) on the Seder plate. We add sweet charoset to soften the maror's sharpness. The charoset, with its mortar-like texture and bloodlike ingredient of red wine, acknowledges the suffering and bitterness of the Hebrew slaves, while also introducing hope for sweetness in the future generations of our People.
The charoset contains fruits to which the eternal Jewish Nation is compared, and apples associated with Jewish women in Egypt giving birth to the next generation (Babylonian Talmud, Pesachim 114a). I peer at my family, seated around the table, and think of my new six-month-old nephew, my grandfather's first great-grandchild, whose family celebrates the holiday in far-off Israel.
Taking in the Passover spirit, I realize there is but one thing we can do to respond to my grandfather at such a Seder. We dip the maror in the charoset.
(14) Rena, April 11, 2012 4:28 PM
Grandfather's talking about the images he cannot forget may bring healing from his loving family with whom he shares his grief-filled memories. [This is a beautiful piece that I know was written a few years ago. Perhaps you should update Chani's information. She currently teaches limudei Kodesh in high school and she and Yosef have a beautiful daughter, b"H.]
(13) Anonymous, April 11, 2012 10:34 AM
HOWEVER.....
Very beautiful, very stirring article.... However- we serve a G-d that believes in "Voice Recognition....." Stay Strong.
(12) Kenneth H. Ryesky, April 10, 2012 11:16 PM
Not a Horseradish
The illustration is NOT a horseradish (Armoracia rusticana), but a root parsley. Horseradish roots have a rougher texture. Parsley root is not bitter.
(11) lisa, April 10, 2012 7:54 PM
The 4 Questions........
Seems like your grandfather has his own set of the 4 questions.........& he has every right to ask them!! However sometimes there are no answers.
(10) Debra, April 10, 2012 6:51 PM
It was beautifully written, I agree.
Ms. Newman wrote a beautiful heartfelt account. How does anyone answer the unanswerable? We can't except never to forget. My grandparents, mother and uncle were affected also. They were amongst the lucky ones who escaped, However as the second generation, I'm still haunted by their story.
(9) Don, April 9, 2012 4:30 PM
A touching and well written account of the emotions at many a table. Perhaps to the piece un broken, still firm, still strong, even perhaps too strong for those who were not there is your beautiful grandfather reminding us to stay strong and cease not asking why.. until Hashem reveals the answer Himself
(8) Anonymous, April 9, 2012 2:03 PM
But grandfather was saved
I went to Auschwitz last year and every time I stand at the sink and drink a glass of water or have a cup of coffee and look out at the garden I realise how lucky I am that I have water and as much food and drink as I like and freedom to go where I want and see my descendants.
(7) Devorah, June 28, 2010 8:33 AM
Fantastic
What great writing! this is so uncommon, I really encourage you to continue to get your writing out there for us. Of course, I am not just mentioning this in a shallow, compimentary context. Rather, it is clear that when A writer like you uses her sensitivity and gifts, she reaches people deeply, and the message is understood more profoundly, through the marvelously interwoven metaphors and symbols. Just as Pesach is really supposed to do for us. So, thanks for the help.
(6) Anonymous, June 28, 2010 8:29 AM
The Maror brings to the Charoses
The Malbim asks why the sequence of Ma Nishtana does not follow the sequence of the seder? Without going into the detail of his answer he states that the Matza is the slavery, the Maror the increased labors. The Maror brought about the cry to Hashem which caused the Geula. That is why we dip the Maror into the sweet Charoses which represents a decrease in our toil. Followed by leaning - our ultimate chairus - freedom.
(5) Anonymous, May 24, 2010 5:57 AM
Jack and Robin --Been trying to track you since you left for NJ
My home phone is 631-587-1440 and my cell is 917-975-9850.Love you both Lenny Gutterman and Adrienne--Funny I just found you I will be going into the hospital shortly for a kidney transplant.at Columbia Presbyterian Hosp.
Anonymous, April 9, 2012 3:19 PM
how are you doing
I just came upon your comment and hope your transplant went well. Wishing you a great chag with health and happiness. Sara from Satmar Bikur Cholim
(4) Sara, March 29, 2009 7:42 PM
Wow!
beautiful writing. I was wondering where you would lead to, and the conclusion was original and wonderful!
(3) Anonymous, April 16, 2008 11:47 AM
The Eternal people
Another way to look at the hard piece of Maror that refused to be broken up is to equate it with us, the Jewish people. We have been hurt, trampled on and humiliated for thousands of years. It may even be that pieces of our nation and ourselves has been broken off and grounded into nothing but murky unrecognizable mush. But no matter how bitter we become we can never truly be destroyed. We are that hard piece of maror where we may become bitter at times, some of that bitterness can stay with us for generations but we have roots. We hold tight to our roots and never forget. We have the torah, Hakodosh Baruch Hu and each other. We look at all the destruction we have witnessed over the centuries and our very long history; we see that we can never truly be eradicated. G-D is eternal and so are his people. May Hashem see our sacrifices and return us to his land, this year in Jerusalem, AMEN.
(2) sarah shapiro, April 16, 2008 2:16 AM
What a fine piece of writing
.
(1) Robin & Jack Muchnick, April 2, 2008 7:54 AM
Perfect mood builder for upcoming Passover
Wow -this is a deep, thought provoking display of moving imagry that really makes us think about were we came from and what we have now. We look forward to other pieces Chani Newman writes. An excellent Author !! Bravo