Many people innocently believe that all they have to do is sit back, coast through life, and misery will come to them. Nothing could be further from the truth! The sobering fact is that serenity and joy are natural states for us all. Just observe a child at play, yourself on a favorite vacation, or anyone absorbed in creative activity. As our minds clear of clutter and negative thinking, a profound sense of peace and contentment often emerges. Does this mean there's no hope? Absolutely not! The strategies outlined below, practiced regularly, vastly improve our odds of achieving misery.
1. CLING TO ENTITLEMENT
You are perfectly entitled to feelings of entitlement. It is your birthright to expect unfailing attention, loyalty, respect, and subservience from others. Contemplate the inherent, self-evident unfairness of anyone having something you want. Strive to see compromise, accommodation, patience, and responsibility, as somehow relevant only to "the other guy." In general, be aware that life owes you and that you were put on this planet to collect.
2. IT'S ALL PERSONAL
Malicious intent is always present if you just look carefully enough. This is particularly true regarding family members. Suppose your spouse overlooks one of your preferences. Seize the opportunity to view this as conclusive proof that you don't really matter to them and probably never have. If your children dawdle at bedtime, see them as viciously spiteful and yourself as a sorry excuse for a parent. It's really very simple. Ignore nothing, and always assume evil intent. Remember, if you don't take things personally no one will do it for you.
3. FOCUS ON PROBLEMS
There is really very little sense in having problems if you don't focus on them. It's crucial therefore to keep careful track of all your problems and constantly review them. Nurture the attitude that you can't really move on to anything unless everything is resolved first. Remember also that there is no solution without a problem, if you look closely enough. Always resist the temptation to ponder where problems go when you don't think about them.
4. MAGNIFY
Too often people cheat themselves out of misery by maintaining perspective. This is both needless as well as extremely counter productive. Why would anyone ever want to think of themselves as "just human" when "fatally flawed" and "irredeemably warped" are available? Similarly, when recalling past mistakes, why stop at instructive regret when paralyzing guilt is within reach? Sure it requires a bit of effort, but the payoff can be enormous. Just imagine the benefits of eventually believing that your negative thinking actually reflects reality.
5. EXPECT CATASTROPHE
It is critical to remember that really terrible things can occur at any moment. Let's start with the body. Begin by paying close attention to changes in bodily sensation, no matter how trivial. Next, let your imagination run wild. Anything involving flesh-eating bacteria or intestinal parasites will usually do the trick. People sometimes protest that their bodies feel perfectly fine. Not to worry! Think "Silent Killers." Feeling perfectly fine places you squarely at risk for these. Of course, there is no reason to stop at personal health issues. The range of potential catastrophe is vast. For example, there are suitcase bombs, encroaching asteroids, global recession, pandemics, killer bees, and so on. Simply use your imagination to craft a realistic sense of impending doom. Savor the pride you'll feel on your death bed knowing that nothing ever caught you by surprise.
6. JUST SAY "NO THANKS" TO GRATITUDE
Gratitude is to misery what Kryptonite is to Superman. All the hard work you've invested in misery will go down the drain if you start fiddling around with gratitude. A zero tolerance policy is very much in order. This is very challenging, however, as life runs rampant with opportunities for gratefulness. Begin, therefore, by thoroughly discounting all the good in your life as a "given." Next, focus your mind on the many ways in which life continues to disappoint you. At an advanced level, you can even learn to see the bad in the good. For instance, should you get a big raise you could immediately focus on the tax implications. Eliminate gratitude from your life and misery will be right around the corner.
A final word. The beauty of misery is that the more you share it with others, the more you wind up having. So share generously. After all, misery loves company.
(43) Anonymous, December 24, 2014 5:41 AM
It is extremely difficult for someone who has a natural tendency to do these things, to completely change their inner wiring, anyone that really struggles to change themselves to be happy or in any other way knows that.
(42) Yekkiesrule, March 16, 2009 12:26 PM
Powerful!!!
Once again ,Dr.Sol has hit his target.I loved the article ,but when put to video its impact is so much greater.I feel this video could have my name on it.Dr. Herzig keep up the good work!
(41) Annette, January 2, 2008 9:32 AM
it could almost be featured under Jewlarious
I love to read and hear the same old same old from a different angle because it encourages us not to see the same old AS the same old; now it's all in a new light.
Well done...I couldn't stop laughing and thinking at the same time: doesn't practicing misery seem like soo muuch work?? K.I.S.S. !
A word of caution: misery DOES love company, but company DOES NOT love misery!
(40) Nini, December 31, 2007 11:43 AM
Finding the light within the darkness
Very interesting take on what could easily become an overwhelmingly popular reality. The irony of this is very true, and is a strong cause for many peoples' unhappiness. The one line that rings out to me is, "At an advanced level, you can even learn to see the bad in the good." It's all a matter of perspective, and sometimes, to see the light, one has to be presented with the dark. It's always essential to never let the darkness lead the way.
(39) Anonymous, December 31, 2007 7:33 AM
This is so true, and I noticed--
people in order to build themselves up have to criticiz, and tear another person down to make themselves look good. Also those who are not happy with themselves seek perfection in others, but it is ok for them to be mediore. These people really annoy me and I have no patience for them what so ever.
(38) mike, December 30, 2007 3:13 PM
great article
this is one fantastic map to becoming totally unhappy with one's self and the guidance to stay on the path if you do not deviate.
(37) Eileen, December 30, 2007 12:16 PM
How to turn sadness into joy
I am married to someone who blames me for everything. He is never happy. The children do not want to be around him and what he does to his wife and children with his harsh and critical words hurts to the very core. Yet, I believe that somehow God can change his misery to JOY and WE will be JOYFUL inspite of my husband! Never let the love of God keep you from JOY
(36) Rosen, December 30, 2007 6:43 AM
Wow! Best concise Aish.com article!
This article is a good thing to remember on not sweating the small stuff and other problems. Indeed, the most straight-fwd article on how to avoid misery, by urging us to focus less on negativity and other over-analyzing and micro-managing. It's all about attitude on life! Attitude is a small thing that makes a big difference on how people interact with one another. One can try to do the right things the best he/she can.
(35) Bernard Shapiro, May 8, 2007 8:42 AM
Excellent
Can't I just enjoy the article without a comment?
(34) Y, April 25, 2007 1:24 PM
Terrific
I only wish that it will help someone I know.
Great job!
(33) Jerry Malik, April 22, 2007 3:53 PM
One of the best!
This has got tobe one of the best pick-me-up pieces I've ever read. It has already had an impact on my wife and I.
Does Dr. Herzig have any books he wrote in this genre?
(32) Gary Kantor, April 22, 2007 12:29 PM
Great article!
This is a phenomenal essay. It is really profound. I have read it and re-read it. There is a message that is relevant to so many of us.
(31) YissB, April 22, 2007 11:59 AM
Extremely helpful and Vey Inspiring
Dr Herzig has hit the nail on the head and has done it with humor and not preachiness. We are so busy with our everyday lives and our habits that we forget that it is sometimes a very good idea to sit back and reflect on the consequences of those habits. How many of us have nodded our heads in recognition while reading this article. By using humor Dr Herzig allows us to look at those points without getting defensive and once you laugh it is hard to go back to those habits with a straight face. Thank you so much.
(30) elmay glub, April 20, 2007 3:58 PM
comment
very interesting article. im sorry to inform you though that your daughter has rebelled against your beliefs. i'm so sorry to be the one to break the news to you.
have a miserable day.
(29) MordechaiN., April 19, 2007 10:48 AM
Very helpful and thought provoking
Thank you Dr. Herzig.Your message was loud and clear.Keep up the good work.I look forward to your next article.
(28) Anonymous, April 18, 2007 12:39 PM
Great article! Brilliant, inspiring, encouraging, very helpful. Thank you, Dr. Herzig. Too bad I'm too miserable to enjoy it.
Counterpoints:
1. Unfairness is not a birthright; it is a privelege that one must earn through hard work and alienation.
2. Malicious intent isn't always present. You must seek it out and it must be nurtured.
3. Who needs solutions when all one truly wants is problems? The more the merrier!
4. People don't cheat themselves out of misery to maintain perspective. Family members do it to them by not being malicious enough.
5. One should not expect catastrophe, nor focus on on terrible things happening. It's more important to keep careful track of all your problems and constantly review them. Let's not get sidetracked, please!
6. If you don't show gratitude, how do all the people who are aftrer you cling to you and magnify your problems as they are about to create a catastropic event in your life!
7. These weren't just my opinions. My seven other personalities agree with me!
(27) Esty, April 17, 2007 7:26 PM
Wow! I really loved this! Thank you!
(26) Jeff, April 16, 2007 11:15 PM
Great article!!!
Way to go!! Reverse psychology makes the point very well. Very funny, very poignant.
(25) Oscar the Grouch, April 14, 2007 10:56 PM
:(
That wasnt very helpful at all. And, have a rotten day!
(24) Anonymous, April 13, 2007 2:01 PM
I'm sending this one out...
I am mailing copies of this article to all my friends and relatives. Maybe they'll finally get the message that I'm sick and tired of always doing everything for them with no thanks in return. I mean, what did I do to deserve such treatment? Don't I have enough on my plate? Can I help it if I have so many problems beyond my control, and not just little problems either? With the world going to pot, my luck there will be a nuclear war before they appreciate me, and then it will be TOO LATE. Yeah - - and thanks for nothing, Dr. Herzig -- at first I thought your article brought me comfort but now I see it only made me feel worse! Like I'm supposed to afford therapy with all that's going on?
(and I hope you know I'm just kidding - it was a great article, REALLY! lol)
(23) Baruch Mordechai, April 13, 2007 9:27 AM
thank you
what a machaia to read this. i laughed out loud. you made my day. i'm so grateful to you. thank you so much.
(22) Yisroel Schwartz, April 12, 2007 10:22 PM
Is backing into happiness possible ?
As a student of Mussar , it's wonderful to hear it on such a light and yet insightful note .
(21) Dr. Lucks, April 12, 2007 8:05 PM
Awesome!
I provide psychological services to adults in a behaviorsl health setting. This was the funniest way to get across some cognitive strategies I have seen in a long time! Thank you so much! Where can I get more of this?
(20) Paula, April 12, 2007 12:11 PM
Great Article!
This was an awesome article! My family spent a lot of time laughing over it and we all have people in mind that we want to share it with! It's kind of sad that it's just so true.
(19) Anonymous, April 12, 2007 11:43 AM
love it!!!
Thank you for the comic relief and showing how ridiculous some of my habit patterns are. Your article is great! I've already shown it to a few friends and they also loved it. Yasher koach!!
(18) kathee, April 12, 2007 9:44 AM
I love this!
Thank you for providing me with some laughs on a work day that's been stressful and it's only 9:42 a.m.!
(17) Anonymous, April 12, 2007 9:24 AM
Is Herzig for real?
sarcasm doesn't work. it only reinforces (what is said).
(16) Deena, April 12, 2007 5:16 AM
This is great!!!
Very smart, very poigant.
(15) Adam Neira, April 12, 2007 2:38 AM
True Happiness - A sense of mission
True happiness and a feeling of expansive joy comes from staying faithful to one's mission in life.
(14) Anonymous, April 11, 2007 10:39 PM
First timer, enjoy the web site.
First timer, enjoy the web site.
(13) Anonymous, April 11, 2007 9:18 PM
phenomenal
I'm a social worker as well as a daughter, wife, & mother so I see myself and people doing this everywhere! Love it, making copies to distribute. Thank you.
(12) Nechama Burnham, April 11, 2007 4:36 PM
What an engaging, upbeat way to convey the truths of Chovos Halevavos--what a fun way to swallow them!
(11) Jacque Budd, April 11, 2007 11:13 AM
This sarcasm is humorous and enlightening
I loved it. Thank you. I needed it.
(10) grant, April 11, 2007 9:39 AM
This is sick but true!
This is sick but true. It may also be prerequisite to piercing the defenses of those in denial and incarcerated by the trappings of their self imposed miserable delusions.
(9) Sue-Ann, April 11, 2007 8:38 AM
Joy
I am a firm believer in positive thinking and the laws of attraction - this was quite fun and to the point.
(8) Alla, April 11, 2007 7:36 AM
This is somehow.... really encouraging!
Thank you and keep writing!!!
(7) Lauren, April 11, 2007 5:04 AM
Brilliant
Just one omission - lose your sense of humour. Bury it. Consciously. Otherwise your other tips are of no practical use. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and thought that I had lost my sense of humour. I hadn't. Luckily it emerged more robust than ever.
(6) Sarah, April 11, 2007 4:10 AM
Very good!
Thanks for the laugh. I though of showing it to someone whose hobby is complaining, but then decided against it; after all, he might take it seriously...
(5) ray, April 11, 2007 3:26 AM
What a Miserable Article
thanks
(4) Anonymous, April 11, 2007 1:36 AM
Very nicely written
I like the way the title makes you want to read the article.(Hi Yossi)
(3) Frank Riklan, April 11, 2007 1:02 AM
Misery
Dr. Herzog, as a professional card-carrying cynic, skeptic and curmudgeon, I loved your column about misery. Thanks
(2) saleem_59, April 11, 2007 12:31 AM
yes
Nothing good better than nothing
(1) Anonymous, April 10, 2007 6:33 PM
So impressive, helpful, written with insight
Thanks for the opportunity to receive
good teaching and thoughts which bolster my convictions