I've spent my life making people laugh. On paper, I sometimes come across as pretty serious, but if you polled my friends and co-workers, the first thing they'd say about me is "Ayelet? She's so funny!"
And I never stopped to think why I was funny, until a few years ago.
I was taking a personal empowerment course, and one exercise was to write out the story of our lives. We had to go on and on, listing the reasons and excuses why we are who we are, and what happened to cause us to be this way. Then we'd be paired up, and read our story repeatedly to our partner, who was instructed to just listen, emotionless. The outcome was supposed to be that the whole story seemed ridiculous, and we'd get the message that "it's time to get over it!", to finally put the past behind us and stop fretting.
People were crying, screaming, and walking out.
When it came time to tell my story, I started by trying to make my partner laugh. He did as he was told and didn't give any reaction. I tried again. And he just sat there, listening to me. So I began to read my story. I read and read and read. Other people in the room were crying, screaming, and walking out. They seemed to really be getting it. But I just sat there, reading.
Finally a feeling of powerlessness and failure came over me, and I began to connect. I read my story once again, and I got it. It was as if I were reading it for the first time: "I learned to make people laugh because I was a weird kid who didn't fit in. And maybe if I made them laugh, they wouldn't notice how weird I was."
That's the day I became aware that I'd been living my life under a blanket of laughter. I had been using humor as a shield to protect me. On one level, it worked well. But at the same time, it disconnected me from the ability to relate to others on a deeper level. I had taken on the role of being the "funny one," to prevent me from feeling vulnerable. And my safety was assured under this security blanket of laughter.
The Impervious Shell
There's a kabbalistic concept of a klipah, a shell that envelopes us to block out spirituality. It happens when we do things that aren't the right choices for our souls. When I do things that hurt others, like gossiping, it increases my klipah-shell. It reduces my ability to receive spirituality into my life. And with laughter as a shield, I devised a new kind of klipah to shield myself from the possibility of being hurt by others.
But you might wonder -- what's so bad about laughter? Usually, nothing. But when the laughter comes at the expense of others, when it makes someone upset, and causes them to be hurt, then it can be a very bad thing. It's the laughter that is elicited at the wrong time, in the wrong place that can hurt others and in turn hurt me. Sure I can get the easy laughs -- but at what expense? By making people laugh without regard to circumstances, I had increased my klipah, and built up my walls preventing me from receiving the ultimate light in my life.
Behind my klipah, I was well-hidden and able to take shelter in those moments of uncertainty or doubt, just like I had as a child. I had the comfort of my built-up protection, yet the trap was set to allow me to fall into a pattern of disconnection. The bigger my klipah, the less I allow others to come into my life in a meaningful way. And the more I get accustomed to using my shell to hide behind, the easier it is to be comfortable there -- and not be motivated to work on my relationships.
It's an easy out. But who wants to be out of meaningful relationships?
The Long Road back
Now that I had finally realized what I had been doing, I was faced with the opportunity to make a choice. To continue my old pattern, and be comfortably uncomfortable with my method of protection, or to make a change and work hard to incorporate a new way of being into my life.
The chocolate bar takes two hours on the treadmill to work off.
My klipah had been built up over time, and had grown too much. And now it would take time -- and lots of hard work -- to get rid of it. Kind of like that chocolate bar that tasted so good for the whole two minutes I ate it, but then would take two hours on the treadmill to work off. To make the change would mean a long, hard road of many challenges ahead, with the chance of stumbling along the way.
Nonetheless, the choice was easy.
I started to relate to others without using humor as a trick or a tool. I found out what it was like to just be me, without being funny. And I discovered that people really did love and accept me, even when I wasn't working hard to make them laugh.
I stopped to think before cracking a joke, sometimes forfeiting the opportunity to get a good laugh. I started "editing" the things I would say and the jokes I would tell, to be sure that I wasn't hurting others just because I wanted so badly to make them laugh.
I discovered how laughter can simply be used for entertainment -- to make people happy while connecting, rather than disconnecting.
Laughter is a treasure that is precious and wonderful. It allows for a lightness in the right moments, when tension is high. It creates an atmosphere of comfort and playfulness. But like every other character trait and as with all the blessings in this world, it can be used for good or for bad. I can choose to apply my comedic talent to cut people down and inflate my ego, or I can use it to cheer people up when they are feeling bad.
When I see the chance to get in a quick one-liner, I now ask myself, "Will this make one person laugh and another one cry? Am I getting this laughter at the expense of a person's feelings?" And if the answer is yes, then I know it's just not worth it and I'd rather forget it.
I now take pleasure in being able to interact with others and make them laugh hysterically at times, and at other times not. And I know that each time, I leave them feeling good about themselves and no one gets hurt for a cheap laugh. I choose my words carefully, and sometimes allow a great punch line to fall by the wayside, when necessary. Because I am no longer hiding under a blanket of laughter.
(11) rachmonos, October 21, 2007 4:19 PM
forgiveness
if we try to excommunicate people from our lives we are no more than hypocrites hiding behind hate and no amount of humor can help. we must not keep a record of wrongs or detailed scans of everything that has happened to us lest our folly rebound and destroy the love we profess to have - but do not possess.
we think that by amassing information on people that we have protection and substantiations, but this shows that we are not really trusting in God, but the records we keep of supposed wrongs. it will just make us more jowly, more susceptible to disorder and disease and our prayers will just not be answered because we are humorously and humorlessly hating. we must ask for forgiveness unconditionally in order to extend the hand of real love. we can have no real assurance of eternal life at all without this ... which will become an eternal firey putrid burden. we must forgive as soon as possible before a peeling sound leaves us all alone with the same lost souls
(10) Anonymous, October 3, 2007 3:49 PM
truth
we must search for truth in the deep inward parts of ourselves - only then will we see the need to actually ask forgiveness of those we know we have 'killed' through not forgiving and for ridiculing them even unknowingly - then we will find the grace to seek that deep loving commitment to forgiveness - humor at the expense of others is ridicule -when we see the need to change in others and praise them for it, it means that it is greatly needed in ourselves immediately, otherwise the conscience will be hounded forever with hypocrisy whose only end is a lonely Gehenna
(9) Anonymous, July 23, 2007 9:44 AM
That was an painfully honest revelation to let out of your heart and share with others. It takes a lot of guts and power to admit you've been on the wrong track and setting yourself right. Thank you for sharing.
(8) Marion Burdon, July 18, 2007 4:23 AM
important and thought provoking
very very good.
I know people like this. I am glad she saw the need to change.
(7) mollymurphy, July 16, 2007 4:09 PM
Your humor starts my day happy, thanks
I look for your e.mail every day as a start for the rest of the day and into evening. Thank you
(6) Anonymous, July 16, 2007 12:04 PM
Thanks for this great article
It helped realize just how to break some of this klipah that has been forming since elementary school. Since I was one of the tallest people in my classes and a female, I usually was place in line and in seating rows in the back due to my height.
There I was a girl who was from a family of 7 girls and 3 boys, stuck in the back of the classroom with creatures I was not accustom to relating with. Of the three brothers I mentioned 2 were married and had left home before I was born. There other brother was about 14 years older than I was. So to do what I thought was surviving I learned to joke around and make kids laugh so they wouldn't pay attention to my height.
As you can guess that pattern stayed with me through out my life and never put two and two together until I read this article. You are a blessing, I'm sure there are others who will be helped by your story. I will refer others to this writing.
Thanks again.
(5) Beverly Kurtin, Ph.D., July 10, 2007 12:03 PM
FDGB Syndrome
First, I loved your expose of yourself. It sounds like something I could have written. But my source of humor is usually self-effacing, but in what I hope is an effective way without making me look stupid.
As a little girl I was afraid that three people would someday die: My mother, my father and Jack Benny. Why those three? Well, obviously nobody wants to lose their parents, but Jack Benny endeared himself to me very early on by never making people laugh at anyone but himself; he never used other people as the brunt of his jokes.
Who else but a philanthropist could present himself as a cheapskate? The longest recorded laugh ever on radio was when Jack was asked by a mugger, "You're money or your life." When Jack didn't reply the mugger said, "Well? " to which Jack replied, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking." I can think of only one joke that got more continuous laughs and that was Abbott and Costello's "Who's on First" routine.
I've survived a massive stroke, thank G-d. It left me wish some pretty amusing deficits and what the stroke didn't do, the pills the sawbones gave me did. I use those side effects to give people a chuckle. For example, if I'm sitting in my wheelchair and suddenly begin to go into seizure-like spasms, I start singing, "Uh huh, I'm all shook up." That way people don't panic, they know I'm okay and I'm even okay with what's going on. My other favorite is to say, "Hey, they told me to shake a leg." It just makes people more comfortable
When my speech becomes garbled (thanks to spasmodic Dysphonia) I just say, when my speech straightens itself out, "In other words…" It again gives people a chuckle and they don't look at me as though something's wrong with me. In many cases it gives me the opportunity to explain that what happened was the result of a stroke and I can hand them a card that has the signs of a stroke on it.
But what I love the most about being disabled is that children, being the wonderfully curious little people they are, ask me why I'm in the wheelchair, much to the chagrin of their parent's, I tell them the truth. I had a boo-boo and I have trouble walking and then instantly ask them if they'd like to ride with me (if their parent's say okay). I show them the controls and they control the movement of the chair. They love it.
Too many disabled people are angry about what happened to them. You know the one's I'm talking about, the "why me" people. They're upset and want to make darned good and certain that YOU know they are by glowering at everyone and everything. I want to let children know that a lot of us are enjoying life the way it is for us
In parting, when adults ask me why I'm in a wheelchair when they have previously seen me walk without one, I tell them it's because I have FDGB syndrome. When I have them thoroughly confused, I tell them what it means: Fall Down, Go BOOM!
Now try not to behave too much the rest of the day!
PS: I can open doors myself, and used to resist letting other people open doors for me. Then I realized that I was cheating them by not letting them feel good that they did a good deed. So now I just graciously say a big THANK YOU, they smile, and feel better about themselves. The same thing happens when they want to help me put my chair back in my van. I just say thanks for asking, but I have a special way of doing it, but thank you for asking, I really do appreciate your asking. And I really do!
(4) Devora, July 10, 2007 11:41 AM
MOMENTUM
It sounds like the author of this article spent some time in a class called MOMENTUM Education Advanced course and learned all about the ways of being. I am very happy to read this article since I have just completed the Advanced Corse myself and came out alive at the end of it. (I had my doubts.LOL!). I love the way Ayelet expressed hersellf in this article and certainly her new ways of being. Its veyr powerful to conect with people and have meaningful relationships as well as to relate to people in a way that they have the opportunity to know you and you knowing them. Everyone wants to be know and accepted for who they truly are and its a privledge to get to know a woman who speaks her truth. Such a women gives us all permission to be ourselves and speak our own truth. Thank you Ayelet for this amqazing article. I would love the opportunity to discuss this with you in detail.l Please feel free to get in touch with me.
(3) Anonymous, July 9, 2007 3:47 PM
Lovely article
Surely, most of us can identify with the concept of "klipah". I am a sixty-year-old psychiatrist. Thirty years ago, a friend said, "You use words as a shield." She was correct. If such a thing is done consciously and with due deliberation, it's one thing, but if it's done compulsively, we may have a problem -- one that can limit the all-important "quality of life".
(2) Dr. Mik Rosenthal, July 9, 2007 7:07 AM
"Jewish Women" Skit in Poor Taste
Ayelet's article about the use of humor is totally and completely a fine exam ple of how we are to conduct ourselves as responsible and respectable practicing Jews. Then, she ignores her own great and worthwhile wisdom by what comes over to me as a mockery of a Japanese woman attempting to speak English with a Japanese accent. Her other demo, about "Glatt Kosher Airlines" was hilarious.
We can laugh at ourselves--that's OK! But when we ridicule others--even by not meaning to--that's not OK. Very honestly, if I had one of my Asian friends watching "Jewish Women" with me, I would be very greatly embarrased.
B'Shalom,
Dr. Mik Rosenthal
(1) Virginia, July 8, 2007 6:48 PM
What a beautiful heart desiring to do unto others more than than most even think about. I like you very much. I am a 73 year old woman. (Have no fears)