As your Jewlarious man on the front lines, I know you expect your Israel news reporting from me. In light of recent action in Israel, I feel that it is my duty to give you the real story. This is how we in Israel, at least my friends that I have spoken to, see the news and how we respond to what has been going on the past week.

How We See the World News

We Don't Watch the News

Here in Israel, we can’t watch the western media. If we take it seriously, it gets to us.

My dad watches the news because his doctor told him he has to build up his heart rate. It helps his heart strength by continuously shocking it. Myself – I can’t watch it.

We Know the News Makes No Sense

I heard the news anchor announce, “And now reporting to you from the Temple Mount in Tel Aviv.” People who heard it were outraged by the scene at the beach. In Israel, we’re trying to figure out when they moved the Temple Mount from Jerusalem.

We Question the Iron Dome

It seems to stop one in fifteen rockets. There are better odds that there won't be another election this year.

We Forget About Be'er Sheva

Rockets are fired at Sderot, Ashkelon or Be’er Sheva, that’s not a story. All the sudden, rockets go further than Be’er Sheva, people care. They’ve been launching thousands of rockets into Southern Israel, not one report. One rocket into Tel Aviv and everybody’s on alert. Important people live in Tel Aviv. We care about them.

If we thought about Be'er Sheva, it would be too much of a hassle.

How Do Israelis Deal With It?

The Western Media says we’re bad. We know. We have rockets being flung into our homeland. We’re on alert for terror attacks. It’s our fault. How do we respond?

We Live

I talk to family and they’re all going to work, living their lives. It’s just another day over here.

All my friends outside of Israel are asking, “We’ve been seeing the news. We’re so worried. Are you living in a bunker?”

The answer is no. We are not living in bunkers, we are living in our high priced apartments. And it’s not all we talk about all the time. You can’t put your kids to bed with, “Michael. Just wanted you to know. You know, the people who live in the neighborhood across the way – they want to kill us. Good night sweetie. One more thing, If we’re alive tomorrow morning, avoid the janitor because he’s also from the neighborhood that wants to kill us. Don’t worry. Get a good sleep snookums.”

We Beef Up Security

Yes. Our country tries to make sure people are safe. That’s why we have extra security at supermarkets, in case there’s an attack on the dairy section. It can get quite violent when there’s a sale.

We Appreciate the “Boycott Israel” Campaign

We are fine with you marking products made in the settlements. That’s great. I’d love to see “made in Karnei Shomron” on my tchotchkes. We’ll be famous!

We Go Out

Israelis are a strong people. We hear about an attack and we are out that night. That’s how we fight terror. You ask any Israeli, “What did you do when you heard about the attack?” You will hear, “We went out. Had a beer. Took down a shwarma. Bring it on. If they attack us again, I’ll do a double shwarma wrap. I’ll even put on some cabbage salad. This is what I’m doing for our country. Tonight. I’m eating more.” We don’t give in. We live.

You have tourists who come in support of Israel. A supporter in the shuk, drinking a beer, told me, “I came to Israel because of terrorism.” Terrorism has turned into a tourist attraction for us.

That’s how we fight the negative news and attacks on our people. With good times.

We Try to Do What’s Right

Our military tries to be neighborly. We drop flyers. We don’t just go in and respond to the rocket attacks. We first let them know about the Idan Raichel concert. They deserve to know too.

Our government even put up a wall and a fence so that they know what to shoot the rockets over.

We Strategize at the Shabbat Table

We come to the conclusion that our government knows nothing. That is what we do at every Shabbat dinner. Shabbat dinner is where I got this information I just reported to you.

If Bibi were to just listen to my cousin, Shmulik. I feel like telling him, “You should deal with the situation. So you know, people are bombing our country. My cousin Shmulik said so. He makes a good schnitzel.”

This Has Happened Before

I can’t think about this again. Didn’t I just hear about this last year? It’s the same news the past fifty years. I liked it more when they attacked us in bell-bottoms.

Keep this article. It will happen again.