Please see to it that the world does not explode

Dear 5775:

The New Year is upon us and Jewish people around the world will be celebrating by eating honey cake and gaining weight. Before that happens, we would like to spend some time talking to you, 5775, about what we’d like to see for the upcoming year, so here are 10 things we’d like to see happen during you, 5775.

  1. First request: please see to it that the world does not explode. 5775, we really like the Earth, and if possible, we would like to keep it. But the way things are going right now…it ain’t looking good. So see what you can do.

  2. We’ve watched a lot of movies in our day and the bad guys never win except maybe in a few niche art house flicks. These ISIS guys are bad. Really bad. So please 5775, make sure that this year is not an art house flick.

  3. We’d love to see 5775 be the year of the ALS cure. The world raised more than $100 million thanks to the ice bucket challenge and we’d hate for all of those people to have gotten hypothermia for no reason.

  4. 5775, we’d like this year to be the year of the Naftali Bennet Al Jazeera Interview. His first interview, where he berated his host and said, “Your owner Qatar funds the daily murder of children in Gaza,” was a special moment for the entire world. We’d like to see many more of these interviews. If possible, please arrange a debate between Minister Bennett and ISIS leader Abu Bakir Al-Bagdadi. We’d really like to see that.

  5. 5775, can you please give taxi drivers in Israel the gift of air conditioning? For some reason, Israel and perhaps Cameroon are the only countries in the world with air condition-less taxis. Please do something about this pressing problem. There are many men named “Itzik” who are sweating right now unnecessarily.

  6. We are told by experts that Global Warming is a scientific fact. If that is the case, this year can Jewish mothers stop constantly reminding us to wear our sweaters? Sometimes, a long sleeve shirt is enough. That’s a fact too.

  7. Every year there are earthquakes around the world and we know that we cannot realistically ask for no earthquakes because you have a minimum earthquake quota that you need to fill. So 5775, we’d like to request that this year, you direct earthquakes to the following cities:
    Arak, Iran
    Bushehr, Iran
    Fordow, Iran
    Isfahan, Iran
    Natanz, Iran
    Parchin, Iran
    We want to make this clear: we do not want any people harmed in these earthquakes, 5775. Instead, we’d like you to focus on those big buildings in each of these cities that are glowing florescent yellow and from which you can hear maniacal laughing. Please swallow them up.

  8. In 5680 a great idealist created what was supposed to be a great institution. Woodrow Wilson’s League of Nations was the forerunner to the United Nations and it was supposed to do such nice things. But now states that support terror head human rights committees? The majority of resolutions are focused on one democratic country, Israel? C’mon 5775! I hope you have berated 5680 for this. OK to our request – we want to make it realistic for you so, how’s this: please see to it that the United Nations doesn’t do anything evil this year. We aren’t asking for good, just no evil. Is that too much to ask?

  9. I’m not sure 5775 if you’ve heard, but Israel has discovered huge gas reserves off its shoreline and has become an energy producing and exporting nation. 5775 could you please arrange for Saudia Arabia, Turkey, and heck, while you are at it – Iran, to try and purchase gas from Israel. Israel will then have to consult the newly formed body that it will head, the Organization of the Gas Exporting Nations (not to be confused with OPEC). OK we realize that this one might be a stretch but if you could pull it off, you get a lifetime supply of natural gas.

  10. Finally, how about a year of peace. You know what? We’ll even take a year of no violence. Peoples can dislike each other under their breath, but enough with the violence. It’s not healthy for humanity. So to recap, no violence. This includes Jews and non-Jews, Sunnis and Shiites and NFL players and their wives.

So there you have it. 10 requests. We’d really appreciate if you could swing them. We aren’t sure if it’s appropriate to wish you, the year, a happy new year, but in case you will be offended if we don’t, 5775, wishing you a shana tova umetuka.

Yours truly,
The Jewish People.