Jewlarious Satire: Britain’s Labour party has an anti-Semitism problem. A number of Labour politicians have recently made statements that are highly anti-Semitic including former London mayor Ken Livingstone who said that Hitler supported Zionism before he “went mad and ended up killing 6 million Jews.” Subsequent requests for an apology from Livingstone were refused and according to a London Newspaper, Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn has conducted a recent investigation into anti-Semitism in his party and has found 50 Labour politicians who have made anti-Semitic and racist comments.

All of this has made Britain’s Labour party seem somewhat unappealing to the country’s Jews and those people who are not into anti-Semitism or racism. So Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has hired a PR firm – one that Corbyn says, “Is a superb PR firm, run by those Jews, you know the same ones who run Britain’s banks.” The agency has put together a number of initiatives to reach out to Britain’s Jewish community in order to appear, as one Labour politician termed it, “more Hebe-friendly.” We have received an advance copy of that PR plan and share it exclusively now:

10 Ways the UK’s Labour Party Plans to Reach Out to British Jews

10. They will commission J.K. Rowling to write a new series about a gifted yet mischievous Jewish boy who along with his friends from yeshiva battle all of England’s evil anti Semites. The first instalment will be called Heschy Perlmutter and the Philosopher’s Kidney Stone.

9. They will donate Havdalah sets to all of British Jewish homes. The package will include a candle, grape juice and a spice box they will call the “Posh Spice Box.”

8. They will convince Prince William and Princess Kate to give their next son a bris milah. His name will be Shlomo. Of Windsor.

7. Jeremy Corbyn will no longer refer to the terrorist organizations Hamas and Hezbollah as his “friends,” but rather he will call them, “Friends of friends, you know, I wouldn’t invite them to go to the movies with me and Laura, but I’d go out for shawarma with them if we were, like, in a group or something.”

6. They will arrange for the Crown jewels to be given to Moishe Himmlefarb for him to sell at the Haddasah Chinese auction.

5. The Labour party will make a motion in Parliament to change the name of London's iconic clock tower Big Ben to Big Binyamin Applebaum.

4. As many Labour MPs have gotten into hot water after their anti-Semitic statements were unearthed from posts on social media, Jeremy Cobryn will ban Labour politicians from using Facebook, or Twitter. Instead, they can use Pinterest. Corbyn said, “That should teach them a lesson.”

3. Westminster Abbey will now be open on Saturdays for Shabbat services with a superb Kiddush after davening featuring Hymie’s Best schmaltz herring. The new shul will be renamed: Congregation BethMinster.

2. The entire Labour party will be forced to engage in Jewish sensitivity training which will consist of binge watching all 9 seasons of Seinfeld followed by Yentl

1. Instead of saying that Israel should be cut off by “the rest of the world” with “no recognition and no support” as he did at a rally in 2002, continuing, “We must now say to the rest of the world, no arms, no money, no recognition and no support for Israel”, Jeremy Corbyn and the entire Labour party will wholeheartedly support the only true democracy in the Middle East, the only country where the rights of minorities are safeguarded, the only Middle Eastern country with a free press and a completely impartial judiciary, the country with the most moral army in the world – Israel!