It’s that time of year again, where except for us, everyone’s Ho Ho Ho-ing while we’re yawn-yawn-yawning. True, there’s the Kosher Chinese, empty theatres, museums, and events sponsored by Jewish organizations, but face it. On December 25th the entire Western World is busy – and we’re not.
So, in the interest of keeping We Jews from chaloshing from boredom here are 25 fabulous things you can do:
Write on FB, “If you’re Jewish and you know it clap your hands!”
1. Watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” on every channel and a) yell: “What do you know!?” at George Bailey. If every Jew who sacrificed for a brother, kept the family-run business afloat, and protected the town from evil wanted to jump off a bridge, not one of us would still be here. b) Make a list of all those things in your life that aren’t so wonderful – and check it twice. c) Think of what your mother’s life would have been like if you hadn’t been born. Also include your dermatologist and allergist.
2. Write on FB, “If you’re Jewish and you know it clap your hands!”
3. Send iTunes to all your Gentile friends of “Silver Bells,” “Winter Wonderland,” “Santa Baby,” “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow,” “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire,” and “White Christmas,” reminding them they were written by gifted by Jewish songwriters.
4. Invite your Jewish friends over and see who can sing the most rounds of “I’m a Little Dreidel” without a drop of Manischewitz.
5. Plan a treasure hunt to find a grocery store that’s open and ask them for the gefilte fish section.
6. Play Jewish Twister with your friends and try to form a Menorah.
7. Take a piece of chalk and draw a huge Star of David, telling everyone this is your “personal space.”
8. Practice doing the Hora in couples without breaking a shin.
9. Dig out your sweat pants from when you were eleven at Camp KinderZaftiga and see how many people you can fit it in them.
10. Play Jewish Charades with all your friends having to act out which Jewish trait they’re imitating.
11. Make a list of Gentile celebrities who should be Jewish, for example, Robin Williams, Martin Short, Weird Al Yankovic.
12. Organize your packets of soy sauce, ketchup, mustard, Coffee-Mate Nondairy Creamer into separate baggies and tie them.
13. Then organize your baggie ties and string into: a) big for lawn bags; b) medium for leftover brisket; and c) too small for anything, but just in case.
14 . Write a decent Youtube called “A Very Merry Hanukkah” for Charlie Brown that’s truly “kosher.”
15. Take a shluf. You deserve it.
16. Write all those strangers, such as insurance companies, plumbers, cable companies, and politicians
who sent you Holiday cards saying “We Care. Email us at: xxxx.com.” a five page belated Hanukkah letter about what you and your family have been doing all year. Include photos of your trip to the kosher cheese factory.
17. Go to a skating rink dressed as a pumpkin to confuse everybody. After all, are We Jews ever wrong?
18. Get on Jewish chat and dating sites. The gentiles are busy with the hams and trees, so you’re much more likely to find a real MOT.
19. If you’re in the tri-State area, plan to meet the mensch you met on the Jewish dating site on top of the Empire State building to act out Sleepless in Seattle … only don’t keep missing elevators.
20. Make your pet a Jewish T-shirt with the words: “GOT NOSH?”.
21. Many Madame Tussauds are open on December 25th. Go have your photo taken with your arm around “Steve Spielberg” and tell your friends and agent, your science fiction book: “Adam & Eve”: The Garden of Galaxies” is almost a done deal.
22. Park yourself outside of Bloomingdales till Thursday morning sales day.
23. Count up what you spent on Hanukkah compared with what your neighbor, Patrick is spending on gifts, food, lights, trees, holly boughs, then plan on spending the difference on a trip to Miami, singing happily as you make the reservation.
24. Melt down your 10,000 leftover chocolate coins, use as sauce on top of 15 diet sponge cakes and have a contest to see which of your friends can eat the whole thing in under 5 minutes. The prize is chocolate coins.
25. Think of 25 more ways to spell Hanukkah, er Chanukah.
(16) Janet Kasten Friedman, March 16, 2016 9:59 AM
Make aliya
What's the BEST thng to do on Dec. 25th? Make aliya! Then it will become what it ought to be for Jews: a regular work day. Writing Dec. 25 on my work papers etc always gives me a sweet feeling. There are hassidic groups who avoid leaving their homes on Dec. 25; they have no Torah classes or activities, in rememberance of more openly anti-Semitic times when Jews frequently got killed by anti-Semitic mobs on this and other Chrisitian holidays. They stay indoors and play chess, so when the goyim break in they will not see the Jews doing something "specal" (learning Torah) against the "holiday". If y'all don't think it appropriate to hide this way on a goyish holiday, perhaps YOU should learn Torah, to make up for the break that the hassidim are taking!
Anonymous, December 17, 2017 11:39 PM
To commenter Janet Kasten Friedman
I plan to get to Israel during the coming secular year. While aliyah is not part of the plan, I know I NEED to spend a certain amount of time in Israel. I can only imagine how wonderful Israel is during the month of December when you don't have to deal with all of the Xmas business.
(15) David Nachenberg, December 31, 2013 2:13 AM
What I did on Dec 25
I live in Modi'in, Israel, so Dec 25 is just another day for me...but was in Ramle a day or two before and there were some decorations as there is a Christian population there, but it was very subdued compared with what I had to suffer and you all do in "shmutz la'aretz." Move to Israel, and no more "other" religion's holidays to bombard you--just ours...See y'all soon...
MARNIE, THE AUTHOR, December 31, 2013 8:03 PM
IF I WERE THERE ........
Wish I was. I'd head to Tiberias and have that glorious fish!!!!
Thanks for writing.
Shalom with love, Marnie
(14) RedBull, December 27, 2013 1:36 AM
I got some beer and Chinese
and played World of Warcraft all day
(13) Amy in Alaska, December 26, 2013 10:46 AM
Some other ideas
Watch all the TV shows you recorded and never got around to watching. / Train your dog to do something totally pointless. / Make a big batch of flavorless icing (butter, confectioner's sugar, cream), divide it up into a lot of small bowls, and flavor each one differently. / relearn how to use logarithms.
Anonymous, December 26, 2013 6:32 PM
Love it!
How about the mystery of black holes. OR ... YouTube and old Lawrence Welk special and find out who Myron Floren was.
Shalom with love, Marnie
(12) sally, December 25, 2013 11:38 PM
I've worked at a Jewish social service agency
for the last 20 years. We're open on Christmas, but the Jewish staff always comes in so us Christians can take off. Both good people and good friends
MARNIE, THE AUTHOR, December 26, 2013 6:31 PM
yES.
Just last night, seriously, I offered to take over for the fellow in 7-Eleven who had to work as someone called in sick.
He nicely refused. (Could be because I always take the BIG soda instead of the small one.):)
Shalom with love, Marnie
Meira Shana, December 27, 2013 12:42 PM
I've worked at a Jewish social service agency [response]
As a Jewish child, none of us could ever get a Perfect Attendance award; only the Christians kids got that!
We couldn't because we went to shul on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Alas, we also had to stay home on Christmas, when we might have wanted to go to school instead of playing in the snow. ;-)
I've served food at Brother Benno's on Christmas and other holidays - nice thing to do for others.
But few Christians care to understand why Jews have to take so many holidays when Christians have to work!
Life isn't easy ... but a bit of respect sure would go a long way - especially when remembering that Jesus would not be working on the Jewish holidays and would leave work early on Fridays and would be in synagogue also all day Saturdays!
(11) Anonymous, December 25, 2013 6:38 PM
So Glad I am Jewish
Throughout my medical school, residency, fellowship, etc., I covered for Gentile colleagues on Christmas and Easter. At first I was annoyed to be stuck in a hospital, but now I see that I got the better deal.
I have jokingly said that I appreciate the sacrifices and privations of my Jewish ancestors, who suffered so I wouldn't have to be stuck on line buying presents I could not afford for people who will return them.
On a serious note, I have had to partake in some of this madness in work situations and in a mini-way for relatives who married Christians. I also have dear Gentile friends who feel compelled to overspend, lose sleep, and get totally aggravated by the need to keep up with the escalating demands of a commercialized holiday. Ironic, as many of the "Christmas" traditions are pagan in origin.
I hope we can keep the Jewish holidays from becoming commercialized. That would be a gift!
(10) Matti, December 25, 2013 2:04 PM
Gefilte section good one
If every Jew who sacrificed for a brother, kept the family-run business afloat, and protected the town from evil wanted to jump off a bridge, not one of us would still be here. That is truly classic and so true. I also really liked the Gefilte section aitza. I'll try it next time I visit the US - it should be in a (never) long time. I once bought gefilte fish in a supermarket in Florida and the woman at checkout said with a not hidden sneer "Ew, you eat that?" I like to think that she was being genuine, but I think she knew damn well we eat it, thank you very much. By the way, black eyed peas are not exactly delicious looking either my dear.
MARNIE, THE AUTHOR, December 25, 2013 8:27 PM
LOL
OY ... how about olive loaf? :)
Thanks for writing!
Shalom with love, Marnie
(9) Geno Auriemma, December 25, 2013 1:19 AM
Watch UConn Women championship replays
With 8 national championships, I'll be watching the Connecticut Women play the entire day!
Anonymous, December 25, 2013 8:31 PM
YAY CONNECTICUT
ENJOY!
Shalom with love, Marnie
(8) jim, December 24, 2013 10:03 PM
Chinese Dinner for the 25th
A Chinese Dinner was started about 5 years ago when a gentile asked a North Carolina judge, 'What do you Jews do on Christmas?", his reply, Of course we all go out for Chinese food!
Anonymous, December 25, 2013 8:32 PM
So, nu what do you recommend? LOL
Shalom with love and thanks for writing!
(7) Yohanon, December 24, 2013 6:58 PM
What we REALLY should do on 12/25
Volunteer to replace non-Jewish volunteers in hospitals, old folks homes, day care centers, and where ever else volunteers are needed and we have the necessary expertise to fill in.
Anonymous, December 25, 2013 8:30 PM
I totally agree!
For We Jews, volunteering should be second nature and a mitzvah. Today I'm working on a play I've written with a partner to raise gelt for a shul, and also Holocaust articles. But of course on Jewlarious ....... we want to make you smile. Also I hope a mitzah!
Shalom with love, Marnie
Roe, December 26, 2013 5:47 AM
Volunteer Replacements
What a really Jewish suggestion...you truly are a mensch!!
(6) Morah Yaffah retired, December 24, 2013 6:46 PM
LOVE IT - kol ha kavod - Marnie
translate the carols into Hebrew and get thrown out of class when you are singing them at shul....oye did i get in trouble as a kid
Anonymous, December 25, 2013 8:33 PM
A RIOT!
YOU are a wonderful quirky, hysterical character. Love you!!!!
Shalom with love, Marnie
(5) Feigele, December 24, 2013 6:19 PM
What I need is a good “schluffing”
Watching my grandchild all week and helping with house chores, who needs extra activities! Who ever decided that people are to overdo for certain holidays. As I always say, everything in moderation, no need to go overboard and drown in obligations physically and financially. If we are to commemorate some events, it should be in all modesty and not draw too much attention to our dissimilarity to others. We should appreciate the extra time we are given to enjoy family and friends and to relax before starting again the madness of making a living. Unfortunately, when retirement time comes, we are too tired to participate to all kind of activities, but we remember those moments when it all happened and it’s enough for us to be happy, no need for more.
(4) Marion Zeiger, December 24, 2013 4:54 PM
an even more Jewish way to spend Christmas
How blessed I am! I live in a Jewish community (Durham and Chapel Hil, North Carolina) where we make December 25 our Mitzvah Day. We start out with breakfast at the JCC, then proceed to do projects for our non-Jewish community--everything from cleaning up parks to taking the place of Gentile volunteers in hospitals, homeless shelters, soup kitcens, to making blankets for hospitalized kids, to preparing Christmas dinner for on-duty police and fire fighters, to...you name it. Jewish volunteers of all ages participate. Members of all the local synagogues, and folks who are not affiliated with any synagogue come together to be part of Mitzvah Day. We do some good, we give our Gentile neighbors a chance to spend the day with their own families, and we let the community-at-large know that their Jewish citizens care. We end up the day at the JCC for a Chinese dinner (voo den??) and a movie. What better way to celebrate our place in the world?
marnie, the author, December 25, 2013 8:36 PM
A MITZVAH
I know the area well. God Bless you and your group!
Shalom with love, Marnie
(3) Anonymous, December 24, 2013 4:46 PM
There are many wonderful volunteer opportunities on this day. For those who never have the time, December 25 is the perfect opportunity to spend the day doing good for others.
(2) John, December 24, 2013 4:36 PM
shopping
Unfortunately - finding stores that are open will not be much of a challenge. Staples may be closed, but Wal-Mart, Superstore, Target & more will be business as usual.
(1) Anonymous, December 22, 2013 11:16 PM
Why stop at 25? Surely we can think up 36? I enjoy your humor every time I read some. Keep up the good work.
MARNIE, THE AUTHOR, December 24, 2013 12:58 AM
OY VEY ......lol
By all means ......... add mamala!
Shalom with love, Marnie