"Er zol vaksen vi a tsibeleh, mit dem kop in drerd!" Boom.
Whenever I heard this phrase as a youngster, the adults around me plotzed. The victim would turn borscht red, sputter, jerk, then threaten to pass out. At the first sight of spittle, Tante Leah would holler, "Mount Sinai!" (The hospital, not the mountain.)
What sort of potent "Jew-doo" was this, I wondered. No one would translate until I was 21. My father solemnly whispered, "It means ... ‘He should grow like an onion with his head in the ground,'" as my mother poo poo-ed and spit-spitted, creating a small (but very demon-safe) pond in the living room.
"That's it?" was my first thought. "What did an onion do to star in such a curse?" was my second.
"What did an onion do to star in such a curse?"
Just as Catholic countries use blasphemy, and Eastern cultures k'nock your ancestors, shtetl-honed, Yiddish curses have a unique verbal magnificence. As cursing is a violation of Jewish ethics, Eastern European Jews, in desperate need of catharses in a hostile world, found a loophole. Euphemism. What most Jews may lack in fists, we make up for in pisks. These euphemistic sentences (or entire paragraphs) are juicy, creative maledictions that no simple "Drop Dead!" or obscene word could possibly convey. In fact, the whole point of the Yiddish curse is not to swear, but to . . . prophesize. Oh, and have fun.
For example: How do you get around saying, drop dead?" Simple: "May you have ritual-purification water (that is, for a corpse) poured over you." Klop!
See? You're not "cursing," but oy vey! A blessing this isn't. Many of these maledictions employ what I call the "shmooze 'n klop." This involves lulling your victim into a false sense of your good wishes. Then, when he's kvelling, you yank it away -- like magician snatches a tablecloth from under your best china – and turn it to tsouris. And what could be worse for a Jew than good fortune (health, wealth, nakhes) suddenly becoming a kappore (catastrophe)? Listen ....
"You should own a hundred houses with a hundred kitchens in each house, and the finest, most expensive foods, and be served breakfast fit for a king each morning in a different kitchen in a different house, prepared for you special by a hundred different chefs, and get into a different car, driven by a different chauffeur who should drive you to a different doctor ... and not one should know why you choke on every bite!"
Creative Yiddish curses were a shtetl recreation.
Now, mostly a lost art, creative Yiddish curses were also shtetl recreation – exercises in "tit for tat" and one upsmanship. It was a form of reciprocal "besting." The more sarcastic, nasty, and witty, the better.
Shlomo: A shaynem dank dir im pupik! (Many thanks in your belly button!)
Chaim: Krikhn zolstu afn boykh!! (May you crawl on your belly!!)
Shlomo: A geshvir dir in kop!!! (An abscess on your head!!!)
Chaim: A meshugenem zol men oysshraybn un dikh araynshraybn !!!! (A maniac should be crossed off the register of madmen and you should be inscribed in his place!!!!)
Delicious, nu? The competitive Yiddish curse required not only verbal talent, but listening. So it occurred to me, what would happen if, in this harsh world of backbiting, bullying, and brutality, we restored this lost art to its former glory to settle our scores.
First, for the yentas and bulvans in our lives, a good "May your navel turn dizzy!" beats chewing our stomach linings. The therapeutic benefits alone of "Biling and Smiling," could save a fortune on Mylanta.
Next, I propose a new reality show: "KLOLE" (A Curse). Forget eating worms, confessing your husband's a schnook, "Trumping," Jerry the Springer, or "No dealing" with a guarantee of 100K – when you've been living on kishke. This my friends, is the real stuff, the ganza, the emmes!
Just imagine politicians and talking heads jockeying for position with true wit instead of "war."
BUSH: "May you fall into the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians is finishing a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer."
CLINTON: "May the lice in your shirt marry the bedbugs in your mattress and may their offspring set up residence in your underwear."
And let us not forget ...
ANNE COULTER: "May your blood turn to whiskey, so that 100 bedbugs get drunk on it and dance the mazurka in your belly button."
As the proverb goes: "A curse is not a telegram: it doesn't arrive so fast." Like caviar, it must be savored. Our VIPs could release their hatred, collapse in hysteria – and be forced to listen.
And wouldn't that be a leben ahf unser kop! (A blessing on our head!)
(23) Dixie Elder, August 29, 2020 10:07 PM
LOVE IT
I dated a wonderful Jewish guy for 2 years when I was 18-20 and he was 19-21. HIs mother was super kind to me but I knew she would prefer him NOT to marry the "shikza" (sp). this is the funniest blog! Thank you for the great memories.
I also enjoy watching Judge Judy. She always drops the Yiddish bombs.
(22) Adrienne, December 9, 2011 10:19 PM
in Yiddish?
I LOVE this one! Do you know how to say it in Yiddish? "May you fall into the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians is finishing a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer."
(21) John Tidyman, April 15, 2011 10:24 PM
What a delight.
What other culture would make me laugh ... repeating curses?
(20) Anonymous, December 24, 2010 8:22 AM
Yet another old curse (euphemism)
May you be as a chandelier.. hang by day and burn by night... Every tooth in your head should fall out but one, and it should have a cavity! Memories from my childhood... Cheers!
(19) , October 8, 2010 9:52 AM
I love this one, but who can still remember? Er zol vaksen vi a streetcar und kak mit transfers. May you grow like a streetcar and poop with transfers. Ha!
(18) Anonymous, November 1, 2009 12:05 AM
to "hock a tchainek"
This was an expression my father used when I was annoying him-- a bit harsher than calling me a noudge, but no more insulting. It literally means to "bang a kettle" and roughly translates to "bugging me." It's used either in full -- "don't hock me a tchainek" or abbreviated as in "stop hocking me" Hope this answers your question.
(17) Anonymous, September 23, 2009 12:38 AM
May Onions Grow Out of Your Bellybutton
Speaking of euphemisms, it's my understanding that they're not onions, and it's not your bellybutton.
(16) Yuval Legendtofski, July 7, 2009 3:56 AM
What does 'ack mir nisht in chaynick arayn' mean? Is it 'don't hassle me in the head', or 'don't mindfuck me' or something like that?
(15) anaonimus, March 17, 2009 5:49 PM
some i learned in school
zolst a merele vaksn fun dain pupik: have a carrot grown from your belly button. zolst du es vi a fer un kak vi a feigele: you shall eat like a horse and poop like a bird
(14) Marian, February 18, 2009 9:27 PM
My Favorite
May you own a Mansion with one hundred rooms and have a headache in each one of them!
(13) Anonymous, June 24, 2008 6:05 AM
To Les
I think it is a misunderstanding of Ich hub im in der erd (usually when said quickly sounds like drerd.)
(12) Miriam, June 22, 2008 12:10 PM
All time favorite
You gorgot to mention: "Hock mir nisht a chaynick"
(11) Erich, June 20, 2008 9:56 PM
good one
"May you aquire the fleas of 100 camels in your armpits but your arms be too short to scratch"
(10) Yisrael Medad, June 19, 2008 7:51 AM
All of It
The 'curse' of Er zol vaksen vi a tsibeleh, mit dem kop in drerd is known to me as "sultz vagstein a vi tzibeleh, mit der kop in dred und de feece alof", and with your feet upraised.
(9) Les, June 17, 2008 10:00 AM
WHAT ABOUT
What about chubim dreck? Used to hear that all the time when relatives fought.
(8) raye, June 17, 2008 9:58 AM
To each his own
I winced when I read some of the examples that were listed. I grew up on the Lower East Side of New York hearing these curses. Was I the only one who took them seriously instead of
hilariously.
(7) Feivel, June 17, 2008 6:49 AM
Clever - yes!
Extremely clever and accurate, but is it constructive?
(6) Francis E. Jeffery, June 16, 2008 9:57 PM
politicalarious
I am substituting candidate one and candidate two for other names and using it as introduction to prayer for the political health of our nation.
NB: these are real belly laughs.
(5) Elana Schipper, June 16, 2008 4:48 PM
The jokes were funny!!!!!
I liked the humor!
(4) Ester, June 16, 2008 2:12 PM
Hilarious
I'd just like to comment that the prime Yiddish-speakers of today, the Chassidic Jews of New York, Jerusalem, London and Antwerp, mostly use refined language, meshugener (or rather meshigener) being the worst expletive. Can anyone explain why? Is it because "cursing is a violation of Jewish ethics"?
(3) C ORLY, June 16, 2008 2:12 PM
Curses.
Hello,
where those curses ever compiled in a book/booklet?
I think many JEWS WOULD BE "A MACHAIA"
(2) norman taylor, June 16, 2008 12:17 PM
curse
may all your teeth drop out except one and i hope you have toothache in that one.
(1) Jeremy ("Jeeps")Katz, June 16, 2008 11:18 AM
Delightful article!
The "mamaloshn" is a language very dear to me, I don't understand why some people call it an "oy vey language" or "the language of the oppression in the ghettos", it is sweet, it is witty, it can convey ideas so precisely which no other language can convey. One of my favorite expressions is "fardray dain eigener kopf!" No words in any language can express my feelings each time I hear a clever expression in my beloved mamaloshn!