It's been said that when it comes to raising children, the days go slow and the years go fast. As I find myself in the thick of planning my second son's bar mitzvah, these words ring all too true. But who has time for sentimentalism when you've got to pull off a colossal bar mitzvah bash in less than a year?
The first item on my party-planning agenda was to secure the entertainment.
"Bar Mitzvahs'R'Us," said a perky voice on the telephone.
"I'd like to know if you have availability on April 7, please," I inquired, cordially.
"Is that 2009 or 2010?"
"2008," I answered, panic rising.
"Ha!" said the voice (no longer sounding so perky). "Good luck."
"I'd like to know if you have availability on April 7, please," I inquired. "Is that 2009 or 2010?"
Fifteen phone calls and 14 rejections later, I'd managed to land a living breathing master of ceremonies (who'd miraculously just had a cancellation for my date).
The next morning, I was sipping Starbucks with an MC named Rhythm - a hulking, albeit friendly man who, I can only assume, plays for the NFL during his off-season - to nail down the details of my family's fast approaching event.
"Do you want to do the motzi?" asked Rhythm.
"Yes," I answered, "of course."
"How about a candle lighting?"
"Umm, I'm not sure."
Things proceeded in this manner. Was I interested in birkat hamazon? What about feather boas? Did I want to do the hora? How about the chicken dance?
As Rhythm threw me option after option without missing a beat, I felt myself entering a transformational spin. Like Lynda Carter on the old Wonder Woman TV show. And when I stopped whirling, I was sitting on the other side of my frappuccino - in Rhythm's shoes (enormous though they might be).
I could suddenly grasp the stark bizarreness that this 300-pound linebacker - whose bling didn't include a single Star of David - was so incredibly well versed in terms like motzi and birkat, and, more bizarre yet, was using them in conjunction with terms like feather boa and chicken dance.
I could now clearly see what Rhythm (and the rest of the gentile world, for that matter) must think from the outside looking in at the modern American bar mitzva phenomenon. And how he might interpret the ways we Jewish parents choose to celebrate these meaningful religious rites of passage for our children.
On the heels of this revelation came an unsettling flashback to a Web site entry I'd encountered earlier during a cyber-hunt for hopping bar mitzvah party themes. It was written by a non-Jewish mother about her son's experience at a friend's bar mitzvah. Here it is, slightly abbreviated and 100 percent true: Best bar mitzvah party theme – Terminator
My son William was recently invited to his friend Josh's bar mitzvah. William had never been to a bar mitzvah before, and he's still talking about it.
The invitation was a video tape of Josh, dressed like the Terminator and doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression: "Come to my bar mitzvah, or else!"
When I dropped William off at the five-star hotel ballroom, everything was decorated to look like metal. There were robots standing guard with blinking eyes and moving arms; destroyed tanks and cars strewn about (rented from a movie prop house); and inflatable jungle gyms and slides, all in camouflage colors. There was even a life-sized Arnold Schwarzenegger cutout for guests to sign.
After the aliya latorah, Josh made his grand entrance on a "T2" motorcycle - his bar mitzvah gift from his parents! Following the motzi, a live rock band played modern techno music. Josh did a really cool robot dance.
During the traditional candle lighting ceremony, Josh lit 13 candles with a butane lighter shaped like a Terminator rifle. My son wished he could take it home with him.
At midnight, Josh's parents announced that a collector's Terminator action figure was hidden somewhere in the ballroom. While everyone searched, an Arnold Schwarzenegger look-alike dressed like the Terminator walked in. Every kid got a picture taken with the surprise guest.
William had such a great time that he asked if he could have a bar mitzvah, too.
Fueled with newfound perspective and courage (and an unmistakable wave of nausea), I thanked Rhythm for his time and made a dash for my bookshelf to retrieve my dog-eared copy of the Book of Jewish Values to see what the ever wise and rational Rabbi Joseph Telushkin might have to say about the situation. He didn't let me down.
Lavish parties often end up diminishing, sometimes even eliminating, the religious significance of the bar mitzvah.
"Out of the desire not to appear cheap or unloving to their children, many... Jews feel forced to spend far more on [bar mitzvah] parties than they can or want to," he writes. "Furthermore lavish parties often end up diminishing, sometimes even eliminating, the religious significance of the bar mitzvah. For many of the celebrants, what counts is the ‘bar,' not the mitzvah."
What we desperately need, says Telushkin, are some "wealthy moral heroes... prominent, affluent Jews in our largest Jewish communities - to throw a simple bar or bat mitzvah celebration, one in which the party is very pleasant and celebratory, but not lavish." In doing so, he holds, "the good they would do for their fellow Jews would be almost incalculable."
In my community, I've seen a few brave parents heed this critical calling with wonderful results, and I - post-Wonder Woman-style transformational spin and faithful Telushkin fan - plan to do the same (even if I may fall a tad short of affluent, pillar of the Jewish community status at the present time).
At this stage in my bar mitzvah planning process, I'm still not sure where this journey will take my family. But I do know where it won't.
(13) Ronni, November 5, 2008 12:23 PM
MTV?
My problem is not with the money spent but with the extreme "goyishness" of the celebration. What is being celebrated? This is your son's or daughter's celebration of accepting reward and punishment for how they live their life (when the parents become absolved of that responsibility). Do I need to hear "Jessie's Girl" (about a man fantasizing about someone else's woman) at a Bat-Mitzvah? That is just completely obscene and the sexual dancing with all the men staring? Where is the spiritual component in all of this? I am planning a Bat-Mitzvah for my daughter in the next few months and it'll be wonderful, beautiful, and very spiritual, with lots of dancing (ladies and girls only) without the nasty music that is so popular.
(12) eli, October 27, 2008 3:23 PM
dont celebrate a culture thats not yours
when your cousins from out of town show up, it would be nice to speak to them with out yelling in their ear. the yo boy mtv bar mitzvah is disgusting. horrible, loud and inappropriate music has no place here. the theme of bnai mitzvahs should be BEING A STRONG AND COMMITTED JEW WHO LOVES ISRAEL AND OUR PEOPLE.
(11) MARNIE MACAULEY, October 20, 2008 5:12 PM
AN IDEA
A small thing, yet ... a way to handle it. I loathe the pomp and favor the ceremony, as well. One aspect that particularly bugs me (aside from the Bar Mitzvah flying out of a cage with 100 turtledoves), is invitations. Money on food ... eh. But money -- big bucks on invites? Feh! Double Feh! And so the contest for most tacky, overdone, and overpriced invites starts. Well, for my son's Bar Mitzvah, I refused! "A sin!" I thought ... to spend on a functional "thing" that is otherwise useless, and fish paper the day after. So ... I called a charitable organization -- one that sends free cards in advance to encourage donations, and asked if they could make up a simple invitation. No style change -- except announcing the time, place, etc. Eureka! They could. I bought my invites from them ... and each became a contribution from the person I was inviting! So what if it wasn't silly-frilly? I felt it was keeping with the meaning of the event. And BTW ... it was also no doubt cheaper. But aside from that ... it was money well-spent. I wish all charities and organizations would consider offering invitations. Nothing fancy, but meaningful, which would provide a sizeable donation. I also wanted to suggest this to our dear readers ... instead of throwing good money in ridiculous directions. Jewlariously yours, Marnie
(10) Hillel Levin, October 19, 2008 8:41 PM
Twin with a Child in Sderot
Connections Israel, in connection with the city offices in Sderot, Israel is matching up Bar and Bat Mitzvah Children in Sderot with their peers Chutz L'Aretz. Here is a meaningful way to extend the Mitzvah to those children in a difficult situation. For more information, visit our website at: www.ConnectionsIsrael.com and email me in Jerusalem at: hillel@ConnectionsIsrael.com 972-2-623-6893
(9) Lisa, October 15, 2008 1:30 PM
This was not funny, but a good point
I am very pleased to say that my Bat Mitzvah was all about the true meaning of it. The only theme I had was the use of the colors pink and white, from the invitations to paper goods to my dress. My mom and I prepared everything, right down to tying pink ribbons around the white napkins that held the silverware. Festivities began with a Shabbat dinner in the simple social hall at the temple on Friday night, immediately followed by services. The Oneg was better than on other weeks...Mom ordered my favorite eclairs. On Saturday morning I ate a typical, quick breakfast at home with just my mom, dad and brother before heading to the synagogue where I led a 3 hour service. The luncheon celebration was held at our small house, where some of the food was ordered from a catering company and some had been prepared by my mother, grandmother and I. Later on Saturday evening, we had a dinner at our house for just family and out-of-town guests. On Sunday morning, we provided brunch at our house for whatever guests still remained in town. My Bat Mitzvah will forever be in my memory as a weekend of celebrating G-d, my ushering into womanhood, and time with my family.
(8) SusanE, October 15, 2008 12:24 PM
There Should Be Nothing More Beautiful.
To see a young man stand before G-d and family is a wonderful thing. His bar mitzvah brings joy and celebration to everyone. It should begin a solid attachment to his Jewish heritage. The whole world observes what the Jews do! To see a couple stand before G-d and family and marry is a wonderful thing. Such an honor is a marriage with love and family all intertwined. A new Jewish family is being established. It's a wonderful thing. The world watches how they celebrate! --------- Shows of excess or of wealth are not considered beautiful or considered holy by many people. --------- I've watched at weddings, bar mitzvahs, High Holidays, birthdays, graduations and other lesser celebrations. The shows of abundance and the displays of lifestyle at some of these celebrations, are observed by thousands who are not part of the Jewish community.
(7) Beverly Kurtin, October 14, 2008 12:57 PM
What does this have to do with funny?
This wasn't amusing in the slightest. I have stopped going to bar/bat mitzvahs because of the non-spiritual (anti-spiritual?) aspects. It used to be "today I am a fountain pen" to something that costs a year of college. It's time to bring sanity back to the bar mitzvah and stop the non-Jewish elements that have become associated with what should be a deeply spiritual experience.
(6) Anonymous, October 13, 2008 8:14 AM
Coming of age Jewishly
Our son's Bar Mitzvah coincided with Yom Ha'atzmaut. Since we also believe that the "theme" of a bar mitzvah is coming of age Jewishly, our celebration reflected that. Table decorations included Israeli & American flags in vases that were donated to the synagogue, our son picked names for the tables based on places in Israel that were of meaning to him, food & music were Israeli-themed. As part of his d'var torah he talked about his parsha and tied in his grandfather's involvement in the formation of the State of Israel, the need for tikkun olam, & the devastation occurring in Darfur & encouraged people to take action. While not cheap, we were able to have a meaningful celebration that we were able to afford. We're still hearing from people that this is what a bar mitzvah is supposed to be like.
(5) ez, October 13, 2008 2:39 AM
where is the funny part?\
I think i missed the part where im supposed to laugh...indeed, i feel more like crying at this situation. Really, i fail to see the humor here. maybe someone can enlighten me?
(4) Anonymous, October 12, 2008 8:39 PM
I didn't have that problem
My family solved that problem. My father was a complete atheist and didn't push it, so I didn't either. Neither me or my brother had bar mitzvahs.
(3) Anonymous, October 12, 2008 7:13 PM
Oh how I can relate!
Loved this story. It is very hard to prepare a BarMitzvah in this environment. It is hard for both the parents and the child. My child and I argue everytime we encounter the question"Whats the Theme" To which I always respond The Theme is the BarMitzvah and Changing the world. What to do.....
(2) Charlotte Frajman, October 12, 2008 4:17 PM
Same all over the world
This "one up" on everyone else phenomenon is worldwide. Even here in Australia, some Barmis are so lavish that the cost would feed a third world country for a year. The bar keeps lifting - everyone has to outdo and outspend the previous Bar Mitzvah of the week and its theme. The sadest part is that most Bar Mitzvah boys have no knowledge of the true meaning and significance of their respective Parasha and the pure meaning of the Bar Mitzvah is lost.
(1) Anonymous, October 12, 2008 12:22 PM
my take on bar mitzvah parties
Over 25 years ago, our older son was bar mitzvahed. We knew people who HAD to have a lavish party, even if they could not afford it. My wife and I decided that a luncheon at the synagoue was fine. My comment was that other people put emphasis on the bar, and not on the mitzvah. We did what we wanted. Told that 'you' want to show that you could afford it. My comment was if that what it was all about, we'd have the luncheon and place an advertisement in the paper listing our net worth.