Dear Yente,

I am planning a small, casual, intimate wedding and my fiancé and I prefer to serve our twelve guests a healthy vegetarian style dinner. Do we need to state this on the invitation?

Signed,
Never Eats Beef Bride In South Hampton

Dear N.E.B.B.I.S.H,

Intimate, Shmintimate! This is a huge shanda for your family and friends. You call it a proper simcha with just a dozen people in attendance, barely a whisper as they sing, “Siman Tov uMazel Tov?” What kind of a skinny, sickly hora do you think you’ll have on the dance floor without our traditional two nice gezunte inner and outer circles? And I’ve just come from visiting your poor mother who is brokenhearted that not only will her mahjong group not be included, but your Uncle Leo with his bad back now has no choice but to hold one of the chair legs to lift up your intended, who she says is no lightweight boychick. So it’s settled, you’ll invite a minimum of 150 people and tell your mom to buy that new mother-of-the- bride fancy dress she wanted, so she shouldn’t wear her old shmata. PS. And nu? What’s your beef with beef? They’ll serve filet mignon and you’ll be very happy. True? Of course true.


Dear Yente,

I am a male college student who feels lonely when Friday night arrives and the other non-Jews in the dorm go off together for weekend getaways in the mountains, deserts, or on the beach. They sleep in tents and cook over fires and seem to have fun. I don’t mean to complain so much, but why am I never included?

Kept Vexed, Eager To Camp Happily

Dear K.V.E.T.C.H,

Oy! This is an urgent situation. Hillel awaits your presence at their Shabbos table this coming Friday evening and the facility is within walking distance of your dorm room. Of course I will be there to make a proper introduction to Sarah Weiss, the nice Jewish girl I already have in mind for you. As for your dorm-mates? They’re doing you a big favor because Jews can’t camp. If there’s no kitchen and it isn’t air-conditioned, we don’t do cold or damp. Berries, seeds, beef jerky’s not on our diet, so we stick to the Hilton or the Hyatt. Gentiles think waking up with the birds is a riot, but we Jews prefer our peace and quiet! And you can tell ‘em Yente said so in rhyme! PS. Sarah has perfect childbearing hips – you’ll thank me at the bris. Amen.


Dear Yente,

I have my eye on the Rabbi’s son. We only have one Rabbi, and he only has one son. Why shouldn’t I want the best?

Signed,
Hodel

Dear Hodel,

Because you’re a girl from a poor family, with no dowry – so whatever Yente brings, you’ll take, right? Of course right! PS. Tell that older sister of yours, Tzeitel, to stop that copycat act she does of me. Imitation is not the highest form of flattery, and my new son-in-law is a big shot attorney.


Dear Yente,

I’m not sure what’s going on? I took just a small break to rest my weary hands from the keyboard and suddenly I find you’ve taken my place, dispensing all the advice I used to give – only with a lot of sassy attitude thrown in. What’s happening?

Signed Abby

Dear Abby,

This is what happens sweetheart – you snooze, you lose. My matchmaking job went down the tubes once Jdate came on the scene and so I moved straight into the newspaper column industry. You want my advice? Brush up on bedroom intimacy and quickly jump into that field when Dr. Ruth Westheimer just happens to look away from her computer screen to eat a rugelach. And this isn’t just “sassy attitude” thrown in girlfriend, this is chutzpah!