It is a hot summer out there and I am here to help.

My whole life, as an American Jew, I have tried to figure out ways to stay out of the sun. Then, I moved to Israel and realized that I made my problem worse.

I am not a climatologist but from what I have read, for the foreseeable future, there will be summers. Thus, I traveled back to America to study the Jewish community’s techniques for staying out of the sun. And now, as a pale Ashkenazi Jew, I bring you my findings.

The Baseball Hat Technique

Used by Jews to ward off anti-Semites, this kippah decoy also serves as a sun protection device. Truth be told, a baseball hat is a basically a yarmulke with a visor.

According to many, Hank Greenberg is the greatest Jewish hitter of all time. Who’s to say Hank Aaron is not Jewish? This has nothing to do with our topic of the summer but it makes Jews feel good when we find out famous people are Jewish.

Huge Umbrellas Placement

Go to the beach and find shade. Almost impossible. This is why you need to find a huge umbrella. This way you can be at the beach and not have to experience the beach. It’s the best of both worlds.

During the summer we use gigantic umbrellas, but in the fall it’s back to small umbrellas. Don’t make the same mistake I made by using a huge umbrella in the fall. The wind picked me up and carried me a few blocks until I cried out “shema yisrael” and I was miraculously dropped in my backyard.

Wide Brimmed Fedora

You want to wear a funky hat so you can look like Justin Timberlake at the beach? Sunburn. You want to look like your rabbi with a big black Borsalino fedora at the beach? No sunburn. It’s as simple as that.

Wear a Mask

This is a new method I have seen Jews using the past few months, covering their mouth. This of course will protect your mouth from getting a sunburn. It’s kind of like a ski mask, but without the North Face emblem. By the way, recently I learned that it’s an American Jewish tradition to have all winter clothes with the North Face emblem.

Don’t Picnic

I have never in my life witnessed a Jewish family out for a picnic. This is because picnicking is the easiest way to get a sunburn. You might as well hold the grill to your face. Jews wait to eat until we find the pizza shop; there is no sun in there.

The Don’t Picnic technique might have developed because we like eating off tables, and not on bed sheets. Also, we Jews like chairs detached from tables, not attached to a bench. We need room when we sit. The foot hole to get your body into the picnic bench takes too much stretching and agility, and my family just doesn’t have it.

Sunscreen Administration by Mothers

Sunscreen must be placed by mothers in enormous quantities. A good Jewish mother ensures that the white cream is visible everywhere on the body. Including under the hat. If your child looks like Casper the Friendly Ghost, the application has been a success.

Winter Clothes

I have seen many of my fellow Jews insist on wearing winter clothes during the summer. It’s like natural sunscreen. You also look better in winter clothes. At least I do. Also, with a sweater you take off more weight in the sun by sweating. Another Jewish benefit – by wearing winter clothes in the summer you save money on having only one wardrobe.

Squint

Good Jews don’t wear sunglasses. We squint.

Go Out at Night

Do everything during the evening and squint; the street lights can have a sunlike affect.

Stay up all night and pray at sunrise. Then go to sleep. It’s like a European siesta but all day long, and let’s face it, we Jews need the rest.

Summer Home Purchase

Our homes in the city don’t provide enough shade. For this reason, many go to The Mountains and build a home. This is a little more expensive than the hat methods, but it does keep the sun out of the eyes. Three hundred thousand dollars to get yourself out of the sun for a month seems like a wise investment. Or you could just buy sunscreen.

Live in North America

This is a great way to stay out of the sun during the winter. This works well for Ashkenazi Jew until they reach seventy. Then they want sun all the time. That is when they move to Florida for the winter. Or if they are smart, Israel. Celebrating seasons in the wrong time, when your neighbors can’t, gives you something to feel good about. When you reach seventy, you need people to look down on.

There’s a famous story of the Jewish boy who goes to the beach with his parents and his mother yells, “Don’t go in the water, it’s cold, you’ll catch pneumonia… Don’t play in the sand, it will get in your eyes… Don’t look at the sun, you’ll squint.” She then turns to a stranger, “What a nervous child.” It is thanks to great Jewish parents like these that we can go through the summer and never have to experience the heat.