Who among us doesn’t adore our children? We’re Jewish are we not? But some ethno-types show their love differently. For example, while many parents feel their job is done when their child reaches 18, We Jews make sure our mamalas make it to the Medicare office on time. While many parents assume their kids will move out after school, We Jews keep them in, asking if they want Oreos or Metamucil with their cocoa. While many parents are thrilled their children are “normal,” We Jews assume ours are geniuses. While many parents put away a little something so they can buy an RV after retirement, We Jews will take out third mortgages so “little” 40-year-old Benjy can find himself – in clown school.

SEVEN OTHER WAYS WE JEWS CAN SHOW OUR CHILDREN WE CARE … WE REALLY CARE!

  1. SEND FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUESTS TO ALL THEIR FRIENDS. This, mamalas, is only sensible. After all, they may have mistakenly “friended” a serial killer, or if not, should your child “disappear,” you now have a list of 1,000 people whom they may have disappeared with, or may know something the police can use. Now this is true caring, even though we may get horrible “abbreviations” from our kinder, such as LMA! DBM! or even the dreaded GTHOH! So do it before their friends tell on you, your child “unfriends” you, or FB cuts you off for Spamming.

  2. SHOW THEM WHAT THEY’LL GET AFTER YOU DIE. We Jews are a practical people. We’re generally not skittish about life and death and who will get what after we’re “plotted” in Mt. Sinai – the cemetery. Invite your adult children over each month starting when you’re in your forties. Show them all the treasures you have, including the candlesticks and knick knacks that bubbe and zayde schlepped to America from Poland (even if they’re a little chipped). Explain in detail the history behind each piece of memorabilia. Hand write a list of who gets what and who should get bupkis. Serve cake. Under no circumstances actually change your will – until you’re on a respirator. This shows you truly care by leaving your options open.

  3. REFUSE TO BURDEN THEM WITH YOUR HEALTH. Instead, just your children: “I’m going for some tests.” Not telling them what tests or even when you’re going is the ultimate caring. Why worry them by explaining you’re going, say, for allergy testing? Why make them hysterical if you’re having your sinuses X-rayed? Why upset them because you’ve had lower back pain for 10 years and are finally getting an ultrasound? The truly loving Jewish parent will say nothing, but in fairness, just “alert” them – and see if they offer to go with you.

  4. SEND EACH OF THEIR DORM MATES A FRUIT BASKET AND TELL THEM TO BE NICE TO YOUR KINDER. It never hurts to help your kinder make friends. Should they be going to college, for example, and especially if your child has never been away from home, a nice fruit basket to each of their new roommates will help pave the way for enduring friendships. Sign it, “Rachel’s (or David’s) Mom. And should you have a problem, I’m here for you, too.” This is a truly loving gesture and by the way, it also helps should your child decide to work for the government. His or her sergeant or fellow FBI agents will so appreciate that your kinder came from a loving home.

  5. BUY THEM THE HOUSE NEXT TO YOU AS A SURPRISE. We Jews are not alone in this as we saw in “My Greek Wedding.” This is a ginormous gift to give without them even asking. For example, your daughter, a Park Avenue lawyer, is marrying the head of cardiac care at N.Y.U Medical Center. True, they were planning to buy a co-op on Fifth Avenue, but only five rooms? Feh! How much better they live in a 3,000 square foot house with an above-ground pool, in Queens, next to you, where they’ll have built-in babysitters someday. Not only are you showing your love by saving them money, you’re thinking of the welfare of your future grandchildren!

  6. MAKE HELPFUL SUBTLE SUGGESTIONS. You both know you did all you could to make the kinder attractive by fixing a few kinks as they were growing up, such as lopping a little from their nose, hair straightening, braces, fat camp, or removing a benign thing growing from them. But, upon reaching young adulthood, things can grow back. Do we stop loving them? Of course not. We suggest, discreetly. For example, we can email links for waist trainers, Youtubes on acne treatments, and give gift certificates for Invisalign braces. A subtle nudge shows deep and abiding caring.

  7. USE AN ARRAY OF TRACKING DEVICES SO YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE TO FIND THEM.

Putting a tracking device your children’s person and in their car is just common sense, especially should they be going away on a trip, to college, or taking a walk in your neighborhood. You may get some resistance, but how can they argue or object when you point out what happened to that 19-year-old, alone, on a dirt road, in England back in 1974? Sometimes “love” does mean having to say you’re sorry (even if you’re not). But a truly caring parent puts survival first! Taking preventive action shows that your love knows no bounds – or boundaries. Now, who else but Jewish parents would worry that their 25-year-old, might come across a lunatic will target your precious child who is visiting a friend, in say, Happyville, Oregon?

If you have more ways We Jews show love our kinder in our “special” way, by all means, share!