Write down the address where you are going for lunch.
For twenty-five hours a week, we Jews are commanded to rest and not do anything that is considered work of physical creation. That includes turning on and off lights, making a fire, and using almost anything your in-laws bought your kids. As Israeli poet Ahad Ha’am said, “More than the Jews have kept Shabbat, Shabbat has kept the Jews.” Shabbat gives us food, warmth and keeps us in shul for a very long time. Shabbat is such a special day and of course we must prepare for it. Here I bring you my tips of how to prepare your home for Shabbat:
Food Prep
This is the first level of Shabbat preparation. Make sure there is a lot of food. Shabbat food is simply an amount. If quiche was made in huge vats, it would be Shabbat food.
Start Cooking on Tuesday
Four days is about the amount of time it takes to cook three full meals for eight people, with side dishes. You might want to start on Monday, just in case guests show up. Be prepared for these guests you weren’t expecting that you do not know.
Make Vegetarian Food
You are having guests. They are not going to tell you that they don’t eat meat. They assume you know that, so that the meal can be awkward for you. This way, your vegetarian guests can have you feeling even worse for serving dead animals, while they are starving and staring at each hideous bite of flesh.
A new tradition I have started: If my guests say nothing, I put peanuts in everything.
Go to the Local Butcher & Bakery
This is a good way to save four days and an evening of Challah making. If you spend over six hundred dollars at Moishe’s Deli, that will also make Shabbat meaningful.
Set the Table
There is an idea of beautifying the day. You have a full house for Shabbat and you want it to look just right when fifteen people come back from shul. So, make sure to set up the correct amount of plastic forks and paper plates. You don’t want to be cleaning all that china. Plastic gives off a beautiful hue.
Clothing & Hygiene
Prepare Your Finest Clothes
Beautifying the Shabbat is of the essence. That means you wear a fine dress, a suit, or in my case, jeans. Hey, they’re the nicest clothes I’ve got! Plus, the waist is loose.
Prepare Walking Shoes
You don’t walk to shul in Shabbat shoes, unless if you are a fool. You carry the Shabbat shoes to shul and walk in sneakers. Don’t call the sneakers, sneakers, and especially not kicks. Respect what you use on Shabbat. Those Converse All-Stars that you work out in are walking shoes. And the plastic forks are silverware.
Iron Your Shirt & Polish Your Shoes
On Fridays, your home should look like a dry cleaner with a shoe repair shop inside.
Shower Early
You will run out of hot water. There is not one Jewish home that does not run out of hot water. For this reason, you should start showering on Thursday morning. Wednesday morning if you have a regular size Jewish family of twelve.
There will be fights. It is imperative that the dad yells, “Who used up the hot water?” If anybody asks you this, deny it and insist that you showered in arctic chilled water. If anybody asks you about flushing a toilet on Friday afternoon, during the last showers, deny it. Due to fear of being yelled at as a middle-aged man, your instinct will be to deny it.
House Prep
Please note: your kids will not be helping you with this.
Clean the House
You should be doing this during the week too. No reason for me to have to tell you that filth and shmutz all over the living room is unbecoming. Dust and vacuum a bit. Take some pride in your home!
Toilet Paper Ripping
Ripping toilet paper on Shabbat is forbidden. Get your kids ripping all of the toilet paper in the house for a half hour, or purchase a box of Kleenex and call it a day. If you do, you will have to deal with the side effects, namely the plumber’s bill.
Turn on All Lights You Need
No matter how nice your table looks and how much toilet paper you have cut, if the lights are not on you will have a very uncomfortable experience.
Write Down the Address Where You are Going for Lunch
Not writing it down is the worst mistake you will ever make.
Once Shabbat comes, in you cannot write. You will forget the address. It can be the address of your parent’s home down the block. You will forget it. Write it down. Once Shabbat comes in, you will forget they are your parents. Write every detail down.
Being a Shabbat guest can be a beautiful experience. That is not the case if you can’t find the house you are eating at. The people in the neighborhood do not all know the Schwartz family, who live on a street that you can’t remember.
Make sure to write down every detail. Living in New York? The street is not enough. “Do you know the Schwartz family?... Apartment five.” There are eight Schwartzes on the block and each one of them has a David. Next thing you know, you are questioning if you are on the wrong side of town. The other side of Brooklyn also has eight David Schwartzes on the block. Now you are eating Shabbat dinner with a David Schwartz you don’t know, that is only serving vegetarian food, because you didn’t write down the address, and you didn’t tell him that you only eat meat before you showed.
Yell at the Kids
This is a tradition I have seen practiced in every Jewish household before Shabbat.
They are going to do something wrong. They may not shower on Wednesday, killing the hot water plan.
They won’t clean. They won’t rip the toilet paper right, because they don’t understand your four-square method.
Next time, we will be bringing you the Shabbat fix it article, with directions for how to rig your hotel room door with the “please do not disturb” sign, so that you and everybody else can easily break into your room.
Now light the Shabbat candles and hope your electricity doesn’t go out.
(8) Naomi Lieberman, January 25, 2019 6:52 PM
Humorous Shabbat
Loved your article! Thanks so much for the laughs!
(7) Anonymous, January 21, 2019 12:30 AM
dont breath before shabbath or during the day the body is working too stupid stupid
(6) Paula Camp pcamp1944@msn.com, January 20, 2019 3:42 AM
Lol. Live in Amarillo where we don't have a Kosher deli. Hunger for good Matzo ball soup like New York Deli in Colorado Springs or Carshons in Ft Worth. I grew up going to the latter and Mrs Applebaum helped get me through TCU. Loved her as much as my dear friend Lena Gernsbacher.Slalom. Paula M Camp
Anonymous, January 21, 2019 1:30 AM
You know what good Jewish living is
May we merit to share matzo balls one day, in Amarillo
(5) Shelley, January 18, 2019 5:21 AM
Very Funny
I had a few good laughs from this article.
Anonymous, January 21, 2019 1:28 AM
Much Todah
Shalom Shelley- It is a pleasure sharing laughs with you.
(4) Allan Last, January 16, 2019 8:41 AM
Waze Map
If I am going somewhere new I print out a Waze map. Saves time not getting lost, and helps to find the quickest way. It is better than just writing down the address.
David Kilimnick, January 21, 2019 1:27 AM
Modern Day Shabbat Advice
This will be in my next edition of the guide to religious living... Thank you
(3) Anonymous, January 16, 2019 2:58 AM
No hot water?!
Taking a sponge bath in mid-January is NO pleasure! I have had that displeasure while visiting a family that also had zero heat in the bathrooms as well.?
Anonymous, January 16, 2019 5:42 AM
You Should Merit Hot Showers
All of the honor for your suffering... I will right an article on how to welcome guests correctly, so these people learn how to practice the commandment of Hachnasat Orchim right. with hot water..
(2) AVIE GOLD, January 15, 2019 8:53 PM
WASTE OF SPACE.
POORLY WRITTEN AND PRETTY STUPID.
David, January 16, 2019 5:35 AM
Very Correct
Shalom Avi,
Your feedback very poorly written and quite useless. Your anger takes away from your angry message.
My suggestion to help your writing: Next time, put aside the anger and put more thought into your comments. I am sure people will appreciate your thoughts on Jewish life.
BAhava
Anonymous, January 23, 2019 11:00 PM
Love this response
We never write when we like your columns - only when we are in a bad mood. Wish I could respond to silly comments like this!
(1) Tuvia, January 15, 2019 11:54 AM
Forgot Something VERY Important
When going away for Shabbos DO NOT FORGET to take your dentures!
Anonymous, January 16, 2019 5:49 AM
Thank you for adding to the message
Shalom Tuvia,
There are many Shomer Shabbis denture people out there who need to hear this. Forgetting a Tallit is not a big deal. Every community has extras of those. But never have I been somewhere where the community had extra dentures for visitors.