Vampire Weekend's Surprising Jewish Stories
4 min read
Whether Julian Edelman is Jewish or not, what matters is that we can tell jokes about it.
Some media outlets are reporting that Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman is Jewish. Others are saying that he isn't, and the Patriots have been silent on the subject. Even though since Aly Raisman there’s been a Jewish athlete drop, Julian is not Jewish according to Jewish law (only his father is Jewish). But suddenly the world thinks that our people are good at playing football! What does this mean? And what can we learn?
Julian Edelman Fought Back from Injury to Lead the Patriots to the Win This Year
An inspiration to us all, ambassador Ron Dermer called him a “Maccabee.” Israeli elections are approaching so here’s my advice to Israeli politicians: they should start paying their soldiers ten million dollars a year like Julian. That will get them more excited about serving.
Edelman Has Connected with the Jewish Part of His Genealogy Via the Patriots Front Office
I bet people are saying, “If you play for the Patriots, they will try to make you more religious.” Robert Kraft is basically running a Jewish outreach organization over there. The Patriots team is just a front for an Aish Discovery Seminar. Soon we are going to hear about how the football was created by God and that is why the uprights of the field goal point up.
We Don’t Just Own the Teams
Now the Jews are really running everything. The anti-Semites are going to have a field day with this. They will find a way to twist it. I know how the media works. One day we’re good at football, the next day we’re taking over the world.
Listening to People Who Tell Us What To Do
The reason why more Jews are not wide receivers is that none of us would ever listen to somebody telling us what to do. If Tom Brady told me to run a pattern, I would let him know that I will do it how I want, and he would not throw me the ball.
We Wear Uniforms
Jews are usually the only ones in the office who don’t wear the uniform. That is why the mailmen in Israel dress however they want and scare me every time they knock on my door with a package, in a T-shirt.
Whether Julian is Jewish or not, what matters is that we can tell jokes about it. Here are a few such jokes that are best told if you start them by saying “Edelman is so Jewish that…”
After his catch in Super Bowl 51, he was one of the “chosen people” … for the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Every time he catches the ball, he davens that he won’t get hit.
He eats herring before the games, to keep the cornerbacks away from him.
After the Super Bowl, instead of saying “I’m Going to Disney World,” he said, “I’m going to the Rebbe’s grave.”
When Tom Brady told him to go long, he called him a meshugeneh. It was only third and two! You think I’m going to schlep all the way down the field for nothing?!
Halftime is like a mini Shabbos, a time to rest… except with trainers massaging you and injecting your knee with anti inflammatories
When Tom Brady said to go right, Edelman said, “I don’t support Bibi.”
When Brady told him to go down the field for a “Hail Mary” he said, “I’d rather go for a long Amidah.”
When he goes into a huddle, he asks everybody to answer amen to his Kaddish. There are ten men – why miss the opportunity?
Pregame when they get down and take a knee, he asks his teammates to join him while he complains that his back is hurting.
In Shul, he’s always asked to do Hagbaha and lift the Torah, after all he has such good hands, the congregants never have to worry about him dropping it.
Edelman keeps the 614th commandment, ‘Thou shalt not commit offsides.”
When the coach makes him sit on the bench, he calls it a pew.
When the coach said he would have to be, “benched,” he started saying the grace after the meal.
He wants his son to be a doctor. Sports medicine.
When Brady doesn’t pass it to him, he calls that a “pass over.” That was a brilliant line. I’m sorry, even I was proud of that.
When he gets a penalty, he feels guilty. Then he does teshuva (repentance).
When they tell him they’re going to be doing a sweep, he calls his help.
To get to the candies at shul, he tackled the Bar Mitzvah boy.
When he won MVP, we all said “Mazel Tov!”
