V-Day has come and gone. As a Jew I didn’t “celebrate” it. This “holiday” has been forced down our throats like a feeding tube. It starts at age five when in public school the kindergarten teacher tells the kids to bring in cards and you’re always the one who gets only two: one from the class nerd, the other from the teacher.
“One block away” to a man really means one block on Pluto which is actually equivalent to seven earth miles.
Aside from the emotional scarring, February 14th, did make me think of men and woman. After having been married for over 30 years, with a son and a brother, you learn a little something about the sexes.
Not only are our hormones different, we’re wired differently for sound. We think we speak same language. We don’t.
I first noticed it while writing “soap opera” guys on As the World Turns. Think Ken dolls. On an anniversary, they actually made a plan, went to a store, wrapped something. A “soap” doctor would walk out during heart surgery if his wife texted him: “We need to talk.” Not only did they have a meaningful conversation, they noticed if their wives had a cavity filled. “Oh darling … thank heavens they could save your third molar!”
Then I looked at my husband and realized, I could walk into the room in a full body cast and he might say: ”You changed?”
Soap husbands and wives were always meeting for lunch. When was the last time you met your husband for “lunch” on a Tuesday? Ah yes. When they were pouring me into the body cast. My husband ate my Jell-O. All of which explains why most soap writers are female.
I love the differences between the sexes, as perplexing as they may be. But I’d much prefer “You changed?” to a so-called “metrosexual” male who get all ferklempt over a new Swiffer.
So, for you mamalas, I wrote a few of these differences down. True it may not be PC, but chances are at least all will be offended equally.
MANSPEAK VS. WOMANSPEAK
FIXING THINGS:
FEMALE: “Oy Irving. Enough already with your head under the boiler. Call someone who might not blow us up.”
MALE: “Esther, please. I know what I’m doing! Why should I spend $100 on a service call when all I have to do is light a match?” (Oy.)
ANALYSIS: Females know things break. It’s one of the universe’s natural laws. It’s not my fault or your fault, but a 30 year old boiler that hasn’t been serviced since the Clinton era will eventually spit out evil stuff. Males on the other hand, not only think they’re Bob Vila, but take things breaking down as a personal act of terrorism. Many have resorted to hitting, banging, and clopping the item so it will apologize, admit it was thoughtless, and start working again, despite the fact that everything they try to fix explodes and shuts down traffic lights in three counties.
LONG DISTANCES:
FEMALE: “Irving! We’re in a monsoon here. Let’s get a taxi already?”
MALE: “A taxi?! Esther are you meshuggah? The theater’s only a block away!
ANALYSIS: Right. On Pluto. It’s a Pluto block which on Earth equals seven miles. If you ask a male how far it is from Brooklyn to Miami? A block and a half, tops. This of course is why the male has trouble with directions. If he divides what the GPS tells him into seven and drives through alleys, he thinks he can turn a 60 mile trip into eight. Of course it will take three hours as he’s in the wrong state.
SHOPPING:
FEMALE: “Here Irving darling. I knew you wanted that Yiddish app made in Israel. So a month ago I ordered it. Happy Anniversary!”
MALE: “Esther, I know you like Jean Nate so I bought you a vat, like last year.”
ANALYSIS: This strange inability to shop comes from their hunter days when the only thing the male shopped for were bows, arrows, and bison. Higher order shopping is very complicated. It requires paying attention and noticing, which many can’t do. I found it’s best to send a man to stores followed by “‘R Us” or “City” as in “Gems ‘R Us” or “Cashmere City.” This way, even if they don’t know what they came for they can’t make a mistake. TIP FOR FEMALES: Don’t get overly enthused if he gets you dusting powder or from that day forward, you’ll get enough Jean Nate to blanket the Dead Sea.
MAIL/E-MAIL:
FEMALE: “Irving, we got a nice card from Tante Bessie in Boca. Her hip replacement went very well.
MALE: “Nice. So did we get anything from the Publishers Clearing House yet?!”
ANALYSIS: For the average male, mail takes on a mystical significance – real, in cyberspace or someone else’s. Many have a relationship with the mailperson that come in second to their honeymoon. If heaven forbid they don’t get something, my neighbor, Blanche’s husband would phone the Post Master General and geshrai. Mine swooned over things for “Occupant.” He loved waiting for AL, our postman to bring in 10 catalogs on things like “The Life of the Blowfish” and a million dollars from the 4000 sweepstakes he entered. He actually waited for the Prize Patrol to pull up, even when I explained he had a better chance of being struck by lightning in the Gobi. We didn’t come up exactly empty. We got a $2 cubic zirconia, for which he paid 500 for an aluminum setting, an invite to tour a vacation home in Bosnia, and maroon luggage made of saran wrap.
Now, this is all not to say we women don’t have our quirks, our little obsessions, our tiny hormonal moments, but in fairness, we don’t usually get a thrill seeing four bottles of empty ketchup upside down in the fridge. Far more logical to take a few or 20 from a fast-food place and tie them neatly in a baggie with the 200 Kikkoman soy sauces.
(11) Anonymous, October 13, 2020 3:30 PM
Equal time
I'm not going to say "male bashing".
BUT
Since the day my mother told my father to "make a left" while distinctly pointing to her passenger-side window [Note to UK people: Left-hand drive car], I have noticed that women ALSO have their peculiarities regarding time, space and dimension.
Usually, I just remind myself of the "k'negdo" in the verse and shlep on.
(10) Tova Saul, June 9, 2020 1:52 PM
Major difference: Compassion
Women tend to be much more compassionate toward living things, and more apt to understanding and fullfilling their needs, and putting their needs before their own. If one meets a compassionate man, chances are his mother ignited it in him. It's a mother's primary job to instill compassion in their children, especially their boys.
Anonymous, June 9, 2020 2:04 PM
And the corollary is...
And the corollary to this insightful point is that men are more dispassionate, more apt to be objective and resist non-constructive emotional entanglements. If you meet a woman who is appropriately dispassionate, she's probably modelling what she learned from her father.
(9) Anonymous, June 9, 2020 1:20 PM
oy
Oy!
(8) Reuven F, June 9, 2020 3:15 AM
So true and so many more
Dear Marnie
I think you are "right on" on most of these. If they are stereotypes, they are because they're true.
I had to smile about email.
During "Corona-time" my wife has made countless orders online. (Getting to the post office to pick them up is another story.) I still can't figure how to send pictures from my phone to my email.
I am fortunate (VERY Fortunate) that my wife and I can review our Venus-Mars speech until we realize that we're saying the same thing from opposite sides of the coin. OTOH, sometimes it's a heck of a journey.
BTW, I *Really* relate to Comment 1.
I have learned to window shop and enjoy it. (I seem to have a well-developed feminine side.) Besides, I can always read a book or learn or something.
Summary:
Good one!
Please keep it up!
Thank you! and
Be well, Take care, and Feel Good!
(7) Rivky, February 25, 2015 2:02 AM
GREAT ARTICLE!!
Was entertaining to read-- written really well! and was so true for so many! you hit it on the dot!:)
(6) Rivka, February 20, 2015 9:41 PM
amusing, but accurate?
I am so sorry that the men you know have apparently fit this stereotype. I am in my second marriage, and neither of my husbands resembled these men. They look, see they don't have the knowledge to fix it, and call a professional. They are considerate of my comfort, and in a thunderstorm would drive me up to the entrance before going to park the car. And they comment on new clothes or haircuts. OK, there are plenty of times they don't notice something until I make a pointed comment. But this really is "man bashing", just caricatures.
marnie, February 22, 2015 5:29 AM
Fix me up?
By all means set out an alert: Wanted Jewish male for non-stereotypical female:)
Thanks for writing,
Shalom, Marnie
Shelly, June 9, 2020 1:40 PM
LIGHTEN UP
Gee Rivka, lighten up. You must be a ball of fun ...NOT!
(5) robert, February 19, 2015 7:13 AM
Male Bashing
As factual and cute you article may be, you should be very clear that is is "male bashing".
For some reason since Archie Bunker in "All in the Family" (ask your grandparents about that TV show) it has become more acceptable to flaunt males as insensitive, egotistical ...or flat out "meat heads".
Case in point one of the most common chidlrens books is now the Bearenstein Bears- Pappa bear is always not listening to Momma bear and getting into trouble.
So what?
Certainly little girls grow up to anticipate wedding with little more than a babboon to train and fix or at least "deal with" as you article hints to. Plus it gives boys license to "misbehave" after all it is expected.
Bottom line- beside a few chuckles, I see little value in your article to actually help society....and certainly worse for jewish homes.
Males and females are different- the Al-Mighty blessed each with strengths and weaknesses which we should appreciate and respect both in each other and within ourselves.
I hope the talent G-D has blessed you with is used in the future to help enhance that appreciation- not the opposite.
marnie, February 20, 2015 1:17 AM
Male bashing vs Difference?
Hi and I appreciate your comments. The "but" here is noting differences isn't male bashing ... it's "noting differences." My own position on the sexes is simple. I adore these differences, and pooh on those who would meld us into one gender. PC has never been my strong suit unless it's serious PC (racial, religious, name-calling, bullying etc.) Too many books are written to "change" or "fix" the differences. I celebrate them, and find humor in them ... , My late husband did all of the above, and he was also a genius, a sr. ed for a top newspaper ... which made these quirks even more appealing and funny. And ... of course, this is a humor site. As for changing the world ... humor is a critical game-changer. God only knows we could use more of it. My very best and thanks for writing. A warm shalom. Marnie
(4) Zinovy, February 19, 2015 5:10 AM
Great, Marnie!
Very good Marnie, as always!
(3) Bobby5000, February 18, 2015 7:00 PM
directions while driving
One area of misunderstanding is directions while driving.
The following are directions: at the third light, you make a right on Oak, and then make a left at the stop sign. The following are not directions, how come its taking so long, shouldn't we have made a left back there, should we make a right or left here, how come you didn't use mapquest, why did you use the computer it always takes us on crazy routes, are we lost, I hope we're not late, why didn't you check for the right route. Most men welcome directions; thought they do not benefit from ongoing commentary.
marnie, February 21, 2015 12:44 AM
so true:)
And for our part ... at least for me. The women in my life "felt" directions. My bubbe would say for example: "Listen, go a few miles ... there's a stetue ... a bird or maybe Lincohen ... then take a right or maybe a left ... then start looking for any address with a "one" in it."
And the woman always found her way!
Thanks for writing,
A warm shalom!
Dvirah, June 8, 2020 6:27 PM
Directions
The best directions I ever received were from an old Taimani: he moved his hands back & forth, I followed the movements and found the place with no trouble!
(2) Miriam w. Cohen, February 17, 2015 8:03 PM
Book about this subject
Women are from Venus, Men from Mars., nothing new about this at all.
Anonymous, February 20, 2015 1:21 AM
Wasn't a fan of the book
No, few things are new. About the book, as a therapist as well, I had difficulty with the implied notion of the need to "change" rather than accept differences. Indeed we could do a whole blog on this:) Thanks for writing.
A warm shalom,
Marnie
Reuven F, June 9, 2020 3:07 AM
Not sure about that
I took my John Grey books to my rabbi and he was excited about it and thought it was pretty kosher. (Except, of course, for Torah values about Tzeniut.)
His premise isn't change. It's adapt.
Deal with the fact that women are different (men, too) and relate to them on their wavelength.
For example, I was reading one of the books at the same time as my fiancee.
We would leave each other notes in the margin.
I once wrote "What do you think about this?"
Then, I erased it and wrote instead: "How do you feel about this?"
I have written separately about you and your article.
(1) Ellie, February 17, 2015 5:35 PM
men, women, and shopping
So true! When my brother-in-law drove his wife and myself to an outlet mall (100 stores!) about 30 miles away (from Boca Raton), he was 'finished' shopping when he saw that the first (and only) menswear store he entered didn't have anything he liked. My sis-in-law and I could have stayed in the mall all day! If not buying, at least feasting our eyes! But he was ready to go after an hour and a half. Oy!