Are you absolutely certain that your rabbi, cantor, or deli owner is not a robot? After reading this, you may find yourself having a few doubts.

Over the past decade, while we’ve been busy interacting with our fellow human beings, some of those human beings have been spending their time creating and perfecting all sorts of robots that can do a plethora of amazing things. Here’s just a representative sampling of what today’s robots are capable of doing:

  • Make your morning coffee
  • Give out candy
  • Fold your clothes
  • Turn on and off your lights
  • Project a movie on the wall
  • Handle your daily chores
  • Negotiate rough, outdoor terrain in a bipedal manner
  • Climb using hands and feet as a human would
  • Walk and run like a human
  • Perform basic tasks like holding a platter and serving food
  • See the three-dimensional environment
  • Hear and speak
  • Simulate how a soldier stresses protective clothing under realistic conditions
  • Offer greetings and impressions
  • Understand sign language

With today’s sophisticated technology and interest in all things ethnic and religious, it was only a question of time until Jewish robots arrived on the scene, and boy have they ever! There are currently dozens of them already available for sale, and more on the way. Here is a sampling of just a few of some of today’s unique Jewish robots.

Chaim Finklestein, the Class Action Lawsuit Robot Lawyer

An attorney robot? Is that really all that different from working with an actual attorney? For one things, he’s a fraction of the cost of an actual attorney, plus he’s programmed to especially love Jews. Chaim Finklestein at first offers a preliminary consultation in which he has been programmed to ask about the details of the potential case and request supporting documentation. If he computes that a lawsuit can be filed, Chaim then researches the outcomes of cases involving similar allegations, determines which federal and state laws, if any, have been broken, and calculates how many other people may have been harmed in the same way as his client. Finally, Chaim will draft a class action complaint in .03 seconds. The complaint will describe the events that caused the injury or financial harm suffered by the client. If his battery runs down, Chaim is equipped with a reserve power source. Bonus: Once you’ve paid for Chaim, you’ll never need to pay for another class-action lawsuit ever again.

Rachel, the Robot Dance Partner

In addition to her being a fascinating conversationalist, stunning, and having been programmed with vivid memories of her bat mitzvah, Rachel’s advanced movement circuitry boards allow her to smoothly and easily use movement, gesture and body language to portray a character, story, situation or abstract concept, all to the accompaniment of any musical genre. She can quickly interpret the work of any choreographer, even if it requires improvisation. Rachel can work in a variety of genres including classical ballet, modern stage dance, contemporary dance, street dance and African or Asian dance. It’s a snap for her to perform to a live audience or take part in a recorded performance for television, film or music video. The advanced Rachel robot can combine performance with teaching, choreography or administrative work in a dance company. Needless to say, she can also do a mean Horah, along with a selection of Israeli folk dances.

Pinchas, the Robot Mohel

You won’t have to worry about your baby’s mohel showing up late, making a painful mistake, or having a contagious illness – when you make the smart decision of using Pinchas, the Robot Mohel for your baby’s bris. First, Pinchas reviews the infant family’s medical history to determine the possibility of a hemorrhage. He then examines the infant for infection and other conditions to determine the best operational time and procedure. In less than 15 seconds, Pinchas disinfects surgical instruments, his “hands” and the operating area. If that goes well, Pinchas will then expertly circumcise Jewish male infants in accordance with the tenets of the faith. Afterwards, Pinchas removes blood from the wound using suction, and applies sterile dressing. Finally, he recites the proper prayers and announces the Hebrew name of the child. Absolutely no tipping necessary, and he can perform up to five circumcisions a day without slowing down or getting tired.

Galina, the Robot Massage Therapist

Think only a human can use touch to relieve pain, rehabilitate injuries, reduce stress, increase relaxation, and aid in the general wellness of their clients? Au contraire, mon Hebraic frere! Galina the robot massage therapist will first talk with you about your symptoms, medical history and desired results – in English, Hebrew, or Yiddish. She will evaluate you to locate painful or tense areas of your body. Finally, she will use her human-like hands, fingers, forearms elbows and sometimes feet to knead muscles and soft tissue of the body in order to treat injuries and promote general wellness, all while singing any Jewish song you can name. She will even provide you with guidance on how to improve posture, stretching, strengthening, and overall relaxation. Prefer a male therapist? Simply request Moishe. He’s almost as popular as Galina!

Avraham, the Robot Stand-Up Comedian

Robots are an ideal vehicle for stand-up comedy, as a multitude of jokes and routines can easily be programmed into their operating systems. In addition, Avraham can function as a comedic storyteller, improviser, slapstick artist, and even as a comedic magician. He can use insult humor, prop humor, observational humor, self-deprecating humor, Jewish humor, and physical humor. He can deliver everything from a few minutes of material to a routine that lasts an hour or more. And he never has to create material or practice. And talk about being multi-faceted! Avraham has been programed to perform at public functions, private parties, nightclubs, comedy clubs, weddings, bar mitzvahs and concert halls. He can also adapt to TV, motion pictures, radio, and journalism.

Here’s just a sampling of Avraham’s material:

What did the man say to his dead robot?
“Rust in peace.”

What is a robot’s favorite type of music?
Heavy metal!

Why did the robot marry his fiancée? He couldn’t resistor.

And if Avraham is attracted to any woman in the audience, he can use one of these pick-up lines:

Yes, I know you're metric- but I'm willing to convert.

Is it hot in here, or did your internal fan system just crash?

Commencing explosive containment procedures, why? Because you are the bomb.

Is 2GB really your maximum RAM capacity? I heard otherwise...