JEWLARIOUS SATIRE: In any tight political race, it’s important to attract the votes of every possible population segment, including, of course, the Jews. That goes double for Presidential races, where the stakes are so high and the population segments so diverse. But what exactly do the current crop of candidates feel about the Jews, how do they plan on reaching out to the Jewish community, and, other than Bernie Sanders, have they ever tasted a good latke? I decided to find out.

I may have gone a tad overboard, but I rented the Rose Bowl, in Pasadena, California, and proceeded to send out invitations to both the candidates and the Jewish community for Latke Fest 2016: Meet the Presidential Candidates & Have a Nosh. Tickets included a silent auction, klezmer band The Klezshuggenahs, Jewish/rap comedian MC Shlepper, a plate of latkes topped with sour cream and apple sauce, and a round-table discussion among the candidates on topics of concern to today’s Jews. The wide-ranging discussion was moderated by distinguished Rabbi Shmuel Ben Yehudah Tzvi Mandelbaum Yitzkowitz III.

Rabbi Y.
Welcome, candidates, thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to address these topics of Jewish concern. Let’s give each of you a chance for an opening remark to the Jewish community regarding your feelings about Jews in general. Senator Sanders, as the sole Jewish candidate, let’s start with you. What would you like to communicate to the Jewish community?

Sanders
Thank you, Rabbi, for pointing out the very important fact that I am the sole Jewish Presidential candidate. But that’s not the only thing that distinguishes me. I am also the only candidate, not only this year, but in history, who is making the following offer – a free pint of delicious Ben & Jerry’s kosher ice cream or frozen yogurt or vegan ice cream for each person who votes for me. And let me add that I am currently in discussion with the kind folks at Ben & Jerry’s to create a special ice cream dedicated to me. My personal favorites so far are Bernie Blueberry Crunch, Succulent Sanders Chip, and Crush Republicans Ripple. Shalom, friends. Next year in Jerusalem.

Rabbi Y.
Thank you, Senator. Mrs. Clinton, I see your hand is up?

Clinton
Yes, I fear my esteemed colleague, Senator Sanders, is being frivolous with the American taxpayers’ money. We need somebody experienced at the wheel with good, sober judgement. Look at this pant suit – it screams sober judgement.

Sanders
First, every time the word “esteemed” is applied to me, it’s going to be followed by something bad about me. So, do me a favor, Mrs. Clinton – 86 the “esteemed”. Look, I acknowledge that some may consider my offering each Sanders voter a pint of Bernie Blueberry Crunch to be “frivolous.” And that’s why with each pint, I’ve included a copy of both the U.S. Constitution and the Declaration of Independence – both written in ice cream sprinkles. So, you’ve got your “frivolous,” you’ve got your “substance,” something for everyone. Win-win.

Rabbi Y.
Mr. Trump, your face has suddenly become several shades redder than usual.

Trump
Thank you for noticing, Rabbi. My face is my lie detector. And that’s all I’ve heard since we got started here - lies. You all seem to be ignoring the elephant in the room – me. That’s right, I’m the one leading by a huuuuuuge margin in the polls. Why? Is it because I’m the best-looking candidate? Obviously. Is it because I’m the only one with the guts enough to tell the truth? Of course. Is it because I have the personal magnetism of ten movie stars? Apparently. Is it because I’ll be the best President this country ever had or will have? Undoubtedly.

Rabbi Y.
Mr. Cruz, you wish to make a point?

Cruz
I just want the American people to know that although my name “Cruz” is the Spanish word for “cross,” if the Jewish people vote for me, I would be more than willing to change my name from Ted Cruz to Ted Star of David. I would also be willing to change the name of The White House to The White Sukkah. And Air Force One to Blintz One. So, I don’t want to hear from anyone that I don’t have the interests of the Jewish people at heart. And by the way, my favorite musical is “Fiddler on the Roof.” Especially the song  “If I Were a Wealthy Man”.

Sanders
That’s “If I Were a Rich Man.”

Cruz
Tomato/tomahto.

Rabbi Y.
It says here that you stated last month that your favorite musical was “West Side Story.”

Cruz
That was when I was addressing a Puerto Rican rally.

Trump
All that’s great, Ted. So when you lose, you’ll have a side career making appearances at bar mitzvahs and brises. Smart to have something to fall back on. And I hear Senator Rubio’s working on a chain of burrito stands.

Rubio
That’s a cheap shot, Mr. Trump.

Trump
Hey, if I’m wrong, I stand corrected. What is it, a chain of taco stands?

Rubio
Rabbi, I don’t want to sink to the level of responding to childish insults about food. The world is in great danger and as the next President of the United States it will be my job to restore the ties between our great nations. And I feel that I need to prove to you, the audience, and those watching at home, my resolve and unshakeable commitment to Jews and to Israel. So, I’ve decided that for the next 30 days all I will eat is hummus. That’s right. I will be one with the chick pea. That’s how much I love Israel and their beloved condiment.

Trump
Please. I’ve already changed the name of my building from “The Trump Towers” to “The Chosen People Towers.” And any Jew renting there will receive a 10% Jewish Friend of Donald Trump Discount, plus complimentary tickets to the dinner theater production of “Funny Girl” starring Lena Dunham.

Rabbi Y.
Gentlemen, please, this smacks of shameless pandering and bribery.

Trump
Exactly, Rabbi. I did stuff like this while most of these candidates were still transitioning to solid food. So, yes, I am a groundbreaker as well as a role model for my fellow candidates. You’re welcome.

Clinton
Excuse me, Mr. Trump, but it’s become clear to me that the Jews place a great value on humility and you apparently have none – which is going to be a big problem between you and the Jews. Humility in politics is about maintaining a balance between one’s capabilities and one’s limitations.

Trump
You’re right, Mrs. Clinton, I have no humility because there’s no reason for me to have it. I have unlimited capabilities and zero limitations. Zero. And I disagree with you. I don’t think the Jews want a humble President. I think they want a President who not only gets things done, but who gets the right things done, and I’m the only one here who can and will do that. God bless Israel and God bless me.

Rabbi Y.
Well, gentleman, and lady, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today’s Latke Fest 2016: Meet the Presidential Candidates & Have a Nosh. Please join us again next month for our next presentation – Latke Fest 2016: Meet the Best Jewish Deli Owners & Have a Nosh.