Class, today we are fortunate to have the eminent scholar Professor Kibitzer come talk with us. As you know, he is a renowned Jewish historian and he would like to share his enthusiasm of the Jewish people with you. Feel free to ask any questions you may have.

Professor Kibitzer: The Jewish people have many wonderful qualities and have contributed so much to the world. Einstein changed the way we see the universe. Gershwin gave us the most beautiful music. And today, Israelis are at the forefront of technology. We should all be proud of Jews. (Applause.)

Student: I’m proud, too, but also curious. How did the Jews become so accomplished?

Professor Kibitzer: Oy, what a Yiddishe kop you have to ask such a good question! It all ties in with their 40-year walk in the desert. The Jews schlepped through the desert for four miserable decades and they wanted out of the wilderness no matter that the cost! They were bursting at the seams for a better life and that gave them so much determination that it embedded in their DNA. From that point on they became innovators and later, they immigrated to lands of opportunity and gave us such important things as push carts, kosher delis, and egg creams. We can thank Pharaoh for making the Jews so accomplished!

Student: Why is education so important to Jews?

Professor Kibitizer: Oh, this is an easy one. You know how the one-day supply of oil at the Beit Hamikdash burned for eight days? Well, the Maccabees realized this was a miracle from above, but they were also smart enough to know that Hashem wasn’t going to throw them a miracle every day, so they took that miracle as a sign that they had to create their own miracles. And they realized that in order to do that they had to learn how do to things on their own, so it was because of that little can of oil that the Jewish parents torture their kids today with education.

Student: Why are there so many Jewish comedians?

Professor Kibitzer: Are you trying to be funny or something? It’s a common misconception that the Jews developed a sense of humor because how else could they deal with all their tsoris? But that is wrong. It is all wrong! The funny gene started with Abraham, the father of the Jewish nation. When Abraham was pushing 100 and Sarah 90 Hashem told them they would have a son. Sarah’s reaction? She laughed! So Hashem passed on the Jewish funny gene to all of Abraham and Sarah’s descendants. You and me, we got it, too.

Student: Is there any chance that Jews will be able to get along with each other?

Professor Kibitzer: Another easy question although it’s troubling that there are so many Jews to the right and so many to the left. But what good has it done us to be so divided? When it comes to politics, social issues and religious observance we Jews are all over the place so we need to stay away from that stuff because we will never agree. I tell you we will never agree! But as a persecuted people we need to get along with each other and the solution is elementary. There are three things we Jews are all on the same page on: Chanukah, Passover, and Jewish humor. From the least observant Jew to the most frum Jew we all are united in our liking of these things. So whenever you meet a Jew give the person a Chanukah gift even if it’s not Chanukah, invite the person to a Seder even if it’s not Passover, and always have a Jewish joke ready that the two of you can laugh over. These things are guaranteed to make you mishpocheh!

Student: Why is it in Jewish blood to want to help others and repair the world?

Professor Kibitzer: Did you know King David’s most prized possession was a giant globe? His most talented artisans constructed it based on biblical prophesies so they knew the earth was round. And one day there was an earthquake in his region and the giant globe broke. He summoned all the wise people in the land to come fix it but no one could do it. And from that time on, it became the mission of the Jewish people to repair the world.

Student: Why are Jews such critical thinkers?

Professor Kibitizer: When Einstein developed the theory of relativity, he thought it was critical to think of the past relative to the present.

Student: Yes, but from the perspective of the past’s present future, the present is the future of the past.

Another student: Oh, no. I see it differently. I see the future of the past from the future’s past present. Or, alternatively, it could be from the future of the past of the present.

Professor Kibitzer: Wonderful, wonderful! I think that perfectly illustrates why Jews are such innovators, why their output is so great, why they can offer more than most other people. Put two Jews together and you’ll get three opinions!

Professor Kibitzer: Thank you all. You’ve been a wonderful audience and asked great questions but I have to run now to do a book-signing for my new book entitled, heh-heh, Professor Kibitzer’s Foolproof Guide to Achieving World Peace in Seven Days.

[Applause.]