We’ve all read Gary Chapman’s popular book The Five Love Languages, true? Of course true! These five methods (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch) are supposedly how people give and receive love. And there’s a quiz so a “normal person” can determine which of the five approaches are their primary and secondary methods.

Clearly Mr. Chapman didn’t grow up in my quirky Jewish family and therefore hasn’t figured out there are actually FIFTY ways of sharing and accepting love. But lucky for him, instead of piggybacking on his bestseller, I’ve devised a separate quiz for our own people to determine which Jewish “Love” Language they favor. Ready to discover all the Jewish techniques?

1. When you’re feeling a little down, you’d like your loved ones to:

  • Deliver you home cooked matzo ball soup. (Broth Method)
  • Take you out to the local deli for a bowl of high-priced matzo ball soup. (Waitress Tactic)
  • Slip a rolled-up message in a corked (Manischewitz wine) bottle that says
    Cheer up!” and set it afloat inside a huge pot of matzo ball soup. (Love of Innovation)

2. You’re having doubts about being a cherished member of the family so you send a group text that says:

  • “I’m having doubts about being cherished. Show me the soup!” (See Broth Method)
  • “Finding myself with lots of unexpected time on my hands and thinking about what it means to be cherished. Why do I have so much time on my hands you wonder? Oy, sorry! The head surgeon just walked in – I better stop texting and pay attention to this big macher giving me my pre-op instructions.” (‘Don’t Worry About Me, I’ll Be Fine!’ Angle)
  • “Nu? I’m listening to the radio station on Mother’s Day and haven’t heard any of you children request a dedication asking the DJ to play for their mother the song Cherish, by The Association yet. Must be because the phone lines are out of order from so many of you trying to call in all at once.” (The “You’ll Give Me the Attention I Deserve” Matriarch Assumptive Close Musical Variation)

3. When hosting Passover, your preferred procedure to evaluate your guests is:

  • Placing small pillows on each dining chair so guests may fulfill their obligation to recline at the seder table – then closely observe if they lean to the left or right, making note of their political affiliation. (Presidential Predictive Presumptiveness)
  • Hide the afikomen in a spot in your bedroom closet that would be highly personal to rummage through, thus testing which parents have taught their children to respect an elder’s privacy. (Judgy Lovey Language)
  • Pack up To-Go boxes of your main course and listen for who declines or “Passes Over” taking the leftovers home. Translation - They found your brisket to be dry. (Backhanded Insult Perception at a Holiday Dinner Slant)

4. On a first date, your ideal practice of discerning if someone has a good sense of humor is to:

  • Quote Tevye verbatim (especially in scenes with Golde) to see if your date laughs. Particularly the line that goes, “Quiet woman, before I get angry! Because when I get angry, even flies don’t dare to fly.” Haha! (Fiddler on the Roof “Do You Love Me?” System)
  • After the check arrives and they pay (as they should!) wait until their eyes dart around for the restroom sign, then slide their credit card between two pieces of matzo and hide the entire thing somewhere in the restaurant to see if they’ll make the amusing afikomen connection from #3 above and go on a hunt. (Immature But Still Creative Mode)
  • If it’s a coffee place, invent words that sound like possible Yiddish (i.e. Starbucktchatchke, sugaranukkah and creamchutz) and speak them liberally throughout your table conversation. When questioned, look askance and say, “What? You don’t know Yiddish? It’s already a dying language without some people going around butchering it. Ahh Kenahora!” (Mishagoss Modality)

5. After you sneeze at a family gathering, you look around the room and anticipate that:

  • Five people will exclaim, “G-d bless you!” and at least three are gonna shout, “Gesundheit” (German Words of Affirmation) plus someone will kvell that their son will be spending the next four years in medical school. (Jewish Quality Time)
  • You’ll have a choice of wearing either a 100% wool sweater, a zip-up leather jacket, or a luxurious fur coat (Receiving Gifts of Shvitzing) when the older Jewish generation remarks what a draft there is in the living room and how you’ll catch your death of cold if you don’t immediately put on one of their offerings. (I Know More Than an MD Love Language)
  • Your 82 year-old Jewish Bubbe instantly runs into the kitchen and mixes you up a “Gogel-Mogel” containing raw eggs, warm milk, and a stick of butter. (Acts of Service.) She then plugs your nose and empties it down your throat very fast (Jewish Physical Touch)

Your Results: Okay, okay…so maybe I exaggerated. But just a smidge. The truth is there are not really FIFTY Jewish Love Languages. When it’s all boiled down, there are actually only two. 1.) Food 2.) Guilt. Well maybe there can be five if you count 3.) Manipulation 4.) Exaggeration, and 5.) Extremely Neurotic Behavior. So if you picked one of the above answers (with a bullet point next to it) you’re definitely Jewish and you definitely know how to give and receive love. And that’s all we really need to know, right? Of course right. Well that, and if you’re coming down with a cold, remembering to stay as far away as possible from Bubbe’s Gogel Mogel. Trust me on that!