Hanukkah is the festival of lighting candles at the entrances and windows of our homes to let everyone know that God is with us, even when we’re lighting… well… insane menorahs. Here are some menorahs that might turn a few more heads than you intend them to, to the extent that you might cause traffic accidents.


1. The “Heads of the Household” Menorah

This one is perfect for Rosh Hashanah. None of these fish look comfortable with what they’re being asked to do here, but they can’t say anything. This is just one step away from hiring 8 people to stand in a row, holding candles. This menorah is a good one to set out if unwanted family comes for Chanukah.


2. The “My-Back-is-Saur” Menorah

This is why they’re extinct. That, and their inability to light safely with those little arms. Playing dreidel is also pretty awkward.


3. The “My Guy Fell Off” Menorah

This is what the Greeks rode into battle, though I’m not sure where they sat. But it’s nice that the elephants are celebrating their freedom from the Greeks as well. We celebrate their freedom too, mostly by eating donuts and latkes until we weigh about the same amount as an elephant.


4. The “Bayamim Haheim Baz’man Hazeh” Menorah

Acupuncture – it’s good for the back. A few hours ago, he couldn’t turn left. Actually, the look on this guy’s face suggests you suddenly walked in on him in this situation and he’s trying to come up with an explanation. (“Um, I was just trying something.”)


5. The “Old-Timey Headlamp” Menorah

This came in handy in the days when Jews used to hide in caves and play dreidel. It was also handy in keeping away the bats. And also friends.


6. The Emergency Backup Menorah

Hey, slow down! Where’s the fire?

I like how the dog is ready with the hose in case things get out of hand.


7. The Menurtle (Menortoise?)

This is why it took 8 days to get more oil.


8. The “Chanukah is Really Early This Year” Menorah.

This is very appropriate to the season. It’s meant to be relaxing, but there’s nowhere to sit.


9. The “Overeaters Anonymous” Menorah

“Hi, my name is Mordechai, and I’m addicted to transfa—Ow!” If they sell life-size versions, it would be great for practical jokes.


10. The “Greeks Weren’t Even Around Yet” Menorah

Now you can light candles just like Noah did, thousands of years before Chanukah in a wooden boat full of fertilizer rocking back and forth in a massive storm. “Hey, why are all you animals hanging out on the deck? This isn’t a cruise!”

Won’t the rain put out the candles?


11. The “Animals Always Look Uncomfortable in Clothing” Menorah

I had to do something like this in exercise class.


12. The “Why Isn’t He Melting?” Menorah

It takes all types to make a family. I like that the snowman wears a black hat. Though I have to ask: Is this a scene of four characters enjoying the candles, or of three characters enjoying the candles next to a snowman that they built?

I also wonder what’s in the polar bear’s gift. There are not a lot of places to go shopping at the North Pole. It’s probably a fish head menorah.


13. The “Does a Bear Light in the Woods?” Menorah

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you don’t lock your front door, people will come in and light candles. You don’t have to look so surprised. Even if you’re the type of overdramatic bear who wears a tuxedo to eat porridge.


14. The Serial Killer Menorah

How many Rockettes had to give their lives for this?


15. The “I’m Missing Bowling for This” Menorah

This one strikes me as a fire hazard waiting to happen. Maybe use a different menorah and keep this as your spare.


16. The Colliding Waiters Menorah

I don’t know if I want to give them more to carry. They look like they have their hands full at the moment. This menorah is even funnier if there’s spilled oil everywhere.


17. “The Honey, Where Did All My Right Shoes Go?” Menorah.

They’re summer shoes anyway.

“Why don’t you use your own shoes?” she asks.
“Because I have two pairs.”
“And then there’s the fumes,” she adds.


18. The “Is Movember Over Yet?” Menorah

Only real men light moustache menorahs. To everyone else, they’re elf shoes.


19. The Not-for-Passover Menorah

This one is not available in stores. You have to make it yourself. And by “make”, I mean don’t cook the noodles first. The good news is that this menorah is delicious after Chanukah, especially if you’re lighting with olive oil.


20. The “Got a Light?” Menorah

This menorah is not a toy. In fact, I’d be afraid it would burst into flame.


21. The “Rabbinical College Class Picture” Menorah

Now you can know what’s it’s like to light the menorah while being stared down by a bunch of rabbis. Or the Younger Elders of Zion, if that were a thing. This reminds me of those nesting dolls, like if you open one rabbi, there’s an infinite number of smaller rabbis inside him.


22. The “This Is How They Did it In Europe” Menorah

Unlike the pasta menorah, this one is actually kosher for Passover. And it’s a healthy alternative to latkes! Until you realize that the miracle was about oil, not potatoes. It’s not like the Maccabees defeated the Greeks with potato guns.


23. The “Homeless Rabbi Might be Possessed” Menorah

According to Amazon, this is a rabbi holding a siddur, though he’s the creepiest rabbi I’ve ever seen. Why is he leaning against the menorah? What’s he looking at? Is he supposed to be in middle of a sermon? Why is he holding his siddur out to the audience?


24. The “I Feel Like We’ve Done This Before” Menorah

This menorah is actually made from Hamas rockets that landed in Israel. Or, to conform with all the media outlets that avoid bias, they are rockets that Israel stole from Gazan homes and hospitals, which never had any rockets we don’t know what you’re talking about. Whatever. Be careful when you light it.


25. The “I Don’t Have a Drinking Problem, You Have a Drinking Problem” Menorah

It’s nice to be able to know exactly what the manufacturers were doing when they came up with a menorah. Perfect for Purim! Just stick it on a bottle of your favorite beverage and then figure out how you’re going to drink the beverage without burning the house down. Drink responsibly, my friend.