In Part One, I selected the funniest Jewish jokes I’ve heard, written, collected, and used in over 20 years of writing Jewish humor, along with a brief analysis of each.
Some you may know, others may be new, but all are: a) quintessentially Jewish; b) literally put me into hysterics – and still do; and c) are classics (or should be).
No such thing as Jewish humor?!
I challenge anyone who would dare say there’s “no such thing as ‘Jewish’ humor!” One comic I interviewed who became a star during his salad days doing Jewish “shtick” recently swore there was no difference between Red Skelton and Sid Caesar! Is he meshugge? What next? Jackie Mason and Ricky Gervais separated at birth?
So for you, dear readers, I bring you my absolute faves. Like that girl with the curl, when a Jewish joke is good it’s very very good and showcases our unique Jewish spirit, wit, and yes, often sarcastic brand of humor.
The Wish
Tim and Lyle, walking down Main Street with Moshe, their boss, spied an oil lamp. With a rub, out popped a genie.
“You get one wish a piece,” said the genie.
Lyle shouted. “I want to be on a yacht in Bermuda!” Poof. He disappeared.
Tim exclaimed: “Make mine Hawaii --with beauty queens!” Poof, he disappeared.
Moshe, the boss, looked around and calmly said. “For my wish ... I want those schnooks back in my office right after lunch!"
And so we have the difference between “them” and “us.” The two non-Jewish workers believed. The Jewish boss, like We Jews, was not only skeptical (a miracle not in a desert?) but delivered a delicious punch line differentiating “them” and “us.”
And while we’re on the subject …
Jews Please Leave
Avram went into Church, took out his tallis, yarmulke, and proceeded to pray. The clergyman entered to start services: "Will all non-Christians please leave." Avram continued davening."
Again the clergyman said, "Will all non-Christians please leave."
And again, Avram prayed.
Finally, the distraught clergyman moved to Avram. "Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this, Avram removed his yarmulke, packed up his tallis, then went to the altar, picked up a statue of Jesus and said, "Come bubbela they don't want us here anymore."
Our ultimate joke about Jesus as a Jew. Could there be a better “them” and “us?” Some 50 years ago we Jews were often accused of Christ’s death until the Pope absolved us in the 1950s. Could there be a funnier or sharper way to respond?
Frum & More Frum
A distinguished orthodox rabbi arrived in heaven and was greeted by an angel.
“Rabbi, we’ve prepared a special feast in your honor, with the best meats, fish and cakes.”
“Who may I ask, prepared the meat?” asked the Rabbi.
“Our finest chef, Elijah Manoshevksy.”
”And who is the Mashgiach?”
“Why, God himself,” replied the angel.
“Thanks very much,” said the Rabbi, “but I’ll just stick with the fish.”
We Jews have been known to be determined and independent when it comes to beliefs, traditions, and making sure everything is “kosher.” What can we say – we take our kosher food seriously. There’s nothing non kosher about that.
Eye Chart & More
When Izydor Epstein from Poland applied for an American driver's license he was asked to read the eye chart. The clerk pointed to the first line with the letters “P O W Z Y N S K E Y.”
“Now sir,” said the clerk. "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" replied Izydor, "the man used to be my next-door neighbor!”
Simple, yet funny, in a few lines, we’ve told the world about our complex roots. And while it’s possible his neighbor (God forbid) is now calling himself “Polson” it reminds us of where we’ve been.
Is It My Business?
Mendel was on a ship emigrating from Russia to America. The second day, a huge storm erupted. People screamed and chairs went flying. Yet Mendel calmly read his book.
“Mendel!” yelled a fellow passenger. “How can you sit there when the ship may be sinking?!”
“What’s to get excited?” answered Mendel. “The ship belongs to me?”
Another joke only We Jews would understand, after years of the Diaspora, caring for ourselves in the face of prejudice, we’ve learned, like the saying: “Is it good for the Jews?” Or me?
Jewish Parents
Sheld’n visited mama and papa. He said: “Finally, I’ve found my bashert. Just for fun, I'm going to bring over three women and you guess which is “the one.” Mama and Papa agreed.
The next day he brought three beautiful women who sat on the sofa and chatted with Mama and Papa over a little cake. After they left, he challenged, "Okay, Guess which one I'm going to marry?"
“The one in the middle with the red hair,” his parents replied instantly.
"Right! But ... how did you know?" asked Sheld’n, amazed.
Mama said, "Simple. Her, we don't like."
I’ve had controversial reactions on this one from at least one rebbetzin I know. Is it anti-feminist? Oh yeah. Is it funny? Oh yeah. I admit it works the stereotype of Jewish parents and children, but to my thinking, humor has few boundaries … and this, to me, this is still funny.
A Classic: Strictly Jewish!
During one service in a wealthy synagogue, the rabbi got carried away. Falling on hands
and knees, forehead to floor, he said, "Oh God, before thee I am nothing.”
The Cantor, not to be outdone, also got down, forehead to wood and said, "Oh God,
before thee I am nothing."
Seeing this, Levy, a tailor in the fourth row, left his seat, fell to his knees, forehead to floor and he too, said "Oh God, before thee I am nothing.”
With this, the Cantor elbowed the rabbi and sniffed: "Look who thinks he's nothing!"
We Jews have been known to make fun of our special “types.” This joke makes fun of “alrightniks,” and is a classic.
By all means if you have a favorite, post and share!
(23) Anonymous, June 6, 2018 4:49 PM
a jewish rabbi and a muslim sheike argue who had more scholars, so they made a deal that they name their scholars and every one who they name they take one hair out of the others beard.
the sheike went first: "muhamed" pulls of one hair off the rabbis beard "ali" pulls another hair, then he goes on for a while until he runs out of names
then it wuz the rabbis turn so he pulls off the sheikes whole beard and said "rabbi akiva and his 24000 students
(22) Mary Goodale, May 14, 2017 5:26 PM
I like Jewish humor.
Please have a contest that sends the winner to Israel. I can't afford to go on my own. Would love to see Israel!
(21) Anonymous, December 8, 2016 12:42 PM
great humor
Thank you for sharing this hysterical humor - I could read these all day!
(20) Paul, May 14, 2016 9:14 AM
Wonderful.... absolutely wonderful!
Could read these jokes all day!!
(19) Anonymous, July 26, 2015 3:45 AM
Dec.16 Alright I got...is anti-Semitic. I'd expect it from Jew-haters.Why not get rid of it.
The Dec.16,'13 joke about the Jew who measures the depth
of a pool by the length of his nose disgusts the reader. Would
it be included if the dunker were a Spanish grandee or a
medieval Italian nobleman? Take a look at the paintings of
their noses sometime. Why not get rid of this joke that would
be expected of a snickering Jew-hater.
marnie, August 7, 2015 7:16 AM
what joke is that?
I don't recall writing, never mind hearing this one. Where is it?
Shalom with love,
Marnie
(18) Gary, June 26, 2015 8:45 AM
Oy- Vey
Hymie: I heard your factory had a fire/ Moishe: sshhh not until tomorrow. Saudis: what's new Betty: Sam and I went to Aruba Saidie: where's that? Betty: I don't know, we flew
(17) Beverly Margolis-Kurtin, April 6, 2015 10:23 PM
Not exactly a Jewish joke...
A rabbi, minister, and a priest go into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"
(16) Anonymous, March 23, 2014 10:19 AM
great
(15) Eddie Weige, December 25, 2013 8:52 PM
Bubba & Grandson
So, Ida calls her son Andrew, says sent my lil Andy down to me in Florida for a week in the summer. I don't ask for much, since my Hershal passed on. So he does. Lil Andy wants to go see the ocean. They go but Bubba Ida warns him not to get close to the water, "God forbid a big wave come in take you from me." Sure enough, BOOM wave takes Lil Andy. Bubba Ida looks up says, " I don't ask much. I'm all alone here and for one week with my Lil Andy." WHOOSH wave brings Lil Andy back and drops him at her feet. She looks up says, "he had a hat"
(14) Anonymous, December 16, 2013 8:03 AM
Alright i got one two jews walked towad a pool one put his toes in an Yelled its cold the other jew put his nose in an says, "its deep too"
(13) Anonymous, July 12, 2013 3:58 PM
*TRUE* STORY
My newlywed parents asked Grandpop how to Kasher the electric rotisserie for Pesach, but Grandpop insisted it couldn't be done. My father said, "Pop, please ask the Rabbi tonight." When Grandpop returned home from Maariv, my father asked, "Did the Rabbi decide?" To which Grandpop replied "Eh! What does the Rabbi know!"
marnie, the author, September 28, 2013 11:13 PM
HYSTERICAL
Now THIS is for real Jewish humor! Shalom with love, Marnie
(12) matis, June 27, 2013 6:31 PM
who are you going to tell?
It was Yom Kippur and the Rabbi was stressed and needed a break. Right after Shacharit he took off and snuck away to the golf course. He puts the ball down on the tee and WHACK... a hole in one. The angels are distraught and begin to complain. The Rabbi goes golfing on Yom Kippur and You give him a hole in one? G-D replies, yes, but who is he going to tell?
(11) Donaqld Minkoff, August 10, 2012 1:57 AM
Rav Schneerson as engineer supreme.
Isreali test pilot working on new design jet is frustrated. He gets up to Mach 2 and the wings shear at the fusilage. Nothing the engineers recommend seems to fix the problem. He rembers that Rav Schneerson has an engineering degree from the University of Paris (true!), The poilot calls Brooklyn and speaks to the Great Rav. Schneerson tells him: Take a drill and where the wings meet the fusilage drill holes all around the junction of the wings. Sounds illogical, but I promise it will work! Pilot takes his jet up and boosts the speed: Mach 1, ok. Mach 2,Ok. Mach3, Ok. Mach 4, Ok Mach 5, Ok. He won't push his luck. He lands the jet and calls Rav Schneerson. Rav, hod did you know? It defies all reason! Rav answers: I'm 85. I've conducted Pesach seders for 65 yeras. not ONCE in all those years did I ever see a piece of matzoh break along the holes!
MARNIE, THE AUTHOR, August 11, 2012 6:04 PM
Great one ... have used something like it.
Are you THE MINKOFF -- PREMIER JOKE TELLER/COLLECTOR? SHALOM WITH LOVE, MARNIE
(10) Shlomo Zalman Beauchamp, August 8, 2012 7:24 PM
The Pope & The Beggars...
One Sunny Day In Rome, The Pope Decided To Go For A Stroll Through The Streets Of Rome. While He Was Walking He Spotted Two Beggars Sitting On Opposite Cornes Of The Street, One Held A Sign Asking For Alms With A Picture Of A Cross. The Other Beggar Held A Sign Asking For Alms But, With A Star Of David. The Pope Watched As Person After Person Kept Placing Money In The Beggar's Pot With The Cross & Ignoring The Beggar With The Star Of David. The Pope Walked Over To The Beggar With The Star Of David & Said To Him "Dear Jew, This Is Rome, The Holy Christian City. Don't You Know That With Your Star Of David, No One Will Give You Money, In Fact Just Out Of Spite They Will Give The Beggar With The Cross Even More Money, Most Likely Even More Than Twice As Much!" The Beggar With The Star Of David Looked Accross To The Beggar On The Other Corner & Called Out To Him "Moshe! Look Who's Trying To Tell The Goldstein Brothers About Marketing."
MARNIE, THE AUTHOR, August 9, 2012 8:39 PM
LOVE IT ... AND USED IT LOL
HI SHLOMO ... DO KEEP CHALLENGING ME! I LOVE IT WHEN MY READERS/FRIENDS KEEP SENDING ME JOKES TO SEE IF I'VE HEARD THEM. PROMISE TO BE HONEST! :) SHALOM WITH LOVE, MARNIE
Anonymous, September 28, 2013 11:15 PM
know it and love it!
Actually, a challenge? After 100 years of collecting and even writing Jewish jokes, I challenge anyone to tell me one I haven't heard:) Shalom with love , Marnie and thanks for writing.
Dvirah, December 4, 2013 9:32 PM
Actually Happened
The phone rings and Gramps picked it up. After a conversation of at least 15 minutes, it turns out that the caller is not the nice lady from next door in the Bronx, but a misdirected call from Miami. "Oh, Lady, do you have a wrong number!" Gramps exclaims. "Yes," she replies, "but it was a pleasure talking to you."
(9) Bill Miley, August 8, 2012 3:16 AM
Four Rabbi's and God
4 rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and 3 were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, so they too will know that I understand Your laws." It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." This time four storm appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips and says, "Well?" "So," replied another, "now it's 3 to 2!"
marnie, the author, August 8, 2012 9:43 PM
GREAT COMIC MINDS ....
I LOVE THIS ONE. CHECK PART ONE and you'll see it's one of the all time greats! Shalom with love, Marnie
Dvirah, August 13, 2012 1:56 PM
Actually, A True Story
There is a very similar story recorded in the Talmud, where a Bat-Kol (Voice from Heaven) boomed out to tell the Sanhedrin that the opinion held by a dissenter was the correct one. Reaction of the Rabbis? "Miracles do not make laws."
(8) Susan Downs, August 7, 2012 7:43 PM
I'm Still Laughing!
Thank you, so much, for these hilarious jokes. The humor is funny because it is so real to our culture. I would love to see the first group that was posted. Are they online, somewhere?
(7) Gee Miller, August 7, 2012 7:20 PM
One of my many favorites
In the spirit of the Jewish philosophy "if they're busy laughing, no one can think of hurting you."... Down South during World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman. "I would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers to my house for Thanksgiving dinner." "Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant. "Just make sure they aren't Jews," said the woman. "Will do," replied the sergeant. So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "There must have been some terrible mistake!" "No M'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Greenberg never makes a mistake!"
Anonymous, August 8, 2012 9:45 PM
MEMORIES
Hi Gee ... the very first time I heard it, my father told it to me as a REAL story during war time! I wonder how many Jewish pops said it happened to them:) Shalom with love, Marnie
T, July 26, 2015 11:01 PM
clarification
I believe Rabbi Emanuel Feldman has this story in one of his books.
Alla, August 10, 2012 2:46 AM
excellent
That is one of my favorites.
(6) Antonio Perez, August 7, 2012 5:10 PM
It's the bicycle riders
A Jewish man is sitting on a bench and a cossack approaches him and says, "All the world's problems are because of the Jews" The Jewish man looks up and replies, "and the bicycle riders." The cossack replies befuddledly, "Why the bicycle riders?" The Jewish man responds, "Why the Jews?"
marnie, the author, August 7, 2012 7:26 PM
love this one
And ... it comes in so many varieties!!!!! Thanks for sending. It's so indicative of our clever sarcasm, especially in the face of anti-Semitism. Shalom with love, Marnie
(5) carolyn fogel, August 7, 2012 1:38 PM
i love jewish humor.
(4) Roger Kovaciny, August 7, 2012 12:04 PM
Why are seagulls so far from the sea?
My wife asked me "Why are those seagulls so far from the sea?" I said "They aren't seagulls. They're just gulls." She said "Why are they called seagulls then?" I said "With a beak like that, a name like Siegel is expected!"
(3) IRWIN LUXENBERG, August 6, 2012 7:34 PM
LAUGHTER, THE BEST MEDICINE
THANKS FOR MAKING ME LAUGH !!!!!!
Anonymous, August 7, 2012 7:31 PM
ALWAYS A PLEASURE ...
LAUGHTER IS A MITVAH! SHALOM WITH LOVE, MARNIE
(2) Rabbi Ben Lefkowitz, August 6, 2012 4:43 PM
Oh Marnie, classics, but still wonderful. And the funny thing is, we all know people like this! For sure I will get some mileage out of the material. Keep up the great work.
(1) hugo cavendish, August 6, 2012 2:45 PM
A damp joke?
A lady is walking her dog on a Tel Aviv beach, when a sudden wave washes the animal our to sea. While she stands by helplessly, a man dashes into the water up to his neck and carries the dog safely back to the beach. After thanking the rescuer profusely, the lady says to the man, 'Excuse me, sir, but are you a vet?' 'Vet? Vet? I'm bloody vell soaking!' replies the man.
Anonymous, August 7, 2012 7:32 PM
YOU GOT ME!
THIS, I hadn't heard. thanks! Shalom with love, Marnie