JEWLARIOUS SATIRE – It’s no secret that in capitals around the world, collective fingers were crossed hoping for a change of leadership in Jerusalem. And with the results of the recent Israeli election, those hopes have clearly been dashed. Many international politicians claim that their antipathy to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stems from his “hard line” stance against the Palestinians. But in politics nothing is as it seems.

Vladimir Putin: You know why I hate Netanyahu? Because he won’t let me poison him.

In the digital age, “hot microphones” have become ubiquitous and a number of world leaders have been picked up stating their true reasons for disliking Netanyahu in more candid moments. As usual, Jewlarious has scooped all other media outlets and now brings those comments to light for the very first time.

Angela Merkel

In a conversation with Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was caught on tape saying the following:

“You want to know the real reason I don’t like Netanyahu? It has nothing to do with the Palestinians. It goes back about five years when I invited him as the guest of honor at an official German state dinner in Berlin. I come down the stairs to greet him and he says ‘You are wearing that tonight?’ Like, who does he think he is? Carl Lagerfeld? What’s wrong with a nice pant suit? I think it’s classy yet businesslike. Anyway, it’s been downhill ever since.”

Vladimir Putin

In a conversation between Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev and President Vladimir Putin in a Kremlin hallway where a reporter happened to be standing, the following conversation was recorded:

Putin: Dmitry-ka, you know why I hate that Netanyahu?
Medvedev: Because he is American puppet?
Putin: No. Because he won’t let me poison him.
Medvedev: You try to poison heads of state, too?
Putin: Why not?
Medvedev: Of course. Why does Jew misbehave and not let Russian Bear poison him?
Putin: Something about kosher food. When he’s in Russia, they send his food straight from Israel.
Medvedev: Kosher Food? Talk about poison!
Putin: Good one.

Ayatollah Khamenei

A meeting between Iranian Foreign Minister Javad Zarif and Iran’s Supreme Leader in the holy city of Qom, was caught on tape as follows:

Khamenei: Wonderful news about the Israeli election. I am most pleased.
Zarif: Your Excellency? The Zionist leader is a thorn in our side is he not?
Khamenei: Not really. He is most entertaining.
Zarif: Entertaining? Are you laughing?
Khamenei: Sorry, every time I think about him I can’t help it.
Zarif: Is he not thwarting our drive for nuclear weapons which we will use to hasten the coming of the 12th Imam? Your Excellency? Do you need a glass of water?
Khamenei: Yes, water. Ah…poor Bibi.

Kim Jong-Un

At the end of a press conference where he mostly waved, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un was heard speaking with his Foreign Minister Ri Su-Yon:

Jong-Un: Oooh, I hate that Netanyahu!
Su-yon: Of course, your Excellency. No doubt you hate him because he controls the world banking system and has turned it against the great Republic of North Korea.
Jong-Un: What? Are you an idiot?
Su-Yon: Yes I am a despicable idiot, great round faced one. You must hate him because of the lowly Jewish religion which has caused great harm to the world.
Jong-Un: No, I actually like Judaism. I was once invited to a family’s house for Shabbos dinner. They had this special bread called challah. Fantastic.
Jong-Un: Of course oh, philo-Semitic one. It must be then because of how he oppresses the Palestinian people!
Jong-Un: You call that oppressing?! Ha! And, do I strike you as someone who bristles at the thought of a leader oppressing his people?
Su-Yon: Of course not, oh great oppressor. Please enlighten your humble, mentally deficient servant.
Jong-Un: The guy doesn’t let me get any screen time! Here I am trying to be an evil dictator, holing my people up in gulags while they eat grass and setting off nuclear weapons and wearing military fatigues from the 1950’s, and Netanyahu is world enemy number one?! What does a guy have to do to get world recognition for being an evil dictator!? Convert to Judaism?!

Stephen Harper

In a private conversation between Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Finland’s Prime Minister Alexander Stuff the following conversation with picked up:

Stubb: Did you follow that Israeli election Mr. Prime Minister?
Harper: I certainly did. It was great to see democracy at work in the Middle East and I support the overwhelming decision of the Israeli voters.
Stubb: But they elected Netanyahu.
Harper: Benjamin Netanyahu is a fine leader and a close personal friend. Israel has no greater friend than Canada and…
Stubb: …Canada has no greater friend than Israel. I heard you say that in your speech. But you don’t really believe that do you?
Harper: I do.
Stubb: But…wait…oh you had me going for a second. You Canadians with your senses of humor. John Candy and Jim Carrey and Mike Myers and…
Harper: I am not joking.
Stubb: (laughing)As if…cha right..
Harper: Are you doing an impersonation of Mike Myers in Wayne’s World?
Stubb: No good?
Harper: (sigh)
Stubb: What’s the deal with Bibi Netanyahu?
Harper: Jerry Seinfeld isn’t Canadian
Stubb: Oh