Doctors occupy a hallowed place in Jewish life. After all, our mothers all wish we were one. And only a lucky few have avoided bringing disappointed and shame on our families. Well as Jews that which we love, we joke about, so please enjoy these Jewish jokes about doctors, or at least, jokes that involve doctors.

Doctor, Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted his cardiologist – Dr. Simon Goldstein in his shop. Dr. Goldstein was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

Goldstein, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new."

"So how come I make such a small salary – and you get the really big bucks? You and I are doing basically the same work!"

Dr. Goldstein paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, ''Try doing it with the engine running."

The Miracle Doctor

Dr. Bernstein was a new doctor in town. He was a Harvard trained doctor in the big city with a great reputation but he decided to move to a small town instead. The townspeople were enamoured by their new fancy doctor and he soon got a reputation that he could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit 'Miracle Doctor Bernstein' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told Dr. Bernstein "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

Dr. Bernstein scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So Dr. Bernstein brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said Dr. Bernstein. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to Dr. Bernstein and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had Dr. Bernstein stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

But before Dr. Bernstein could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

Doctor's Bills

An old Jewish man goes to see one of New York's top medical specialists.

"How much do I owe you doctor?" he asks.

"My fee is $5000."

"$5000!" the man exclaims. "That's impossible."

"Fine, in your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could make it 3000."

"3000? Ridiculous."

"Well can you afford 1000?"

"A thousand dollars? Who has that kind of money?"

Frustrated, the doctor says, "Just give me $800 and we'll be done with it."

"I can give you 200," says the man. "Take it or leave it.”

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to one of the most expensive doctors in New York City if you didn't have any money?"

"Listen doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."

Doctor's Orders

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The food we are consuming is killing us. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all that we all have eaten, or will eat. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"

Doctor on Duty

Doctor Hershy Samuels was known for being an excellent pathologist and having a razor sharp wit. He was often called upon to testify in court. On one occasion in particular, Dr. Samuels was in fine form:

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
DR. SAMUELS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
DR. SAMUELS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
DR. SAMUELS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
DR. SAMUELS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
DR. SAMUELS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
DR. SAMUELS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Doctor’s Got Your Nose

John Robinson took up a new position as a pediatrician in Brooklyn. Originally from Wyoming, Dr. Robinson didn’t have much experience with the Jewish community. But what he did have was experience with kids, and he always liked to break the ice with his young patients by testing their knowledge of body parts.

On his first day, while pointing to little Shmueli Zimmerman’s ear, Dr. Robinson asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately Shmueli turned to his mother and said, "Mommy, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

Dr. Feldman is the Kid Whisperer

Because of an ear infection, Little Moishie Rothman had to go see his pediatrician Dr. Feldman. Dr. Feldman directed his comments and questions to Little Moishie in a professional manner. When he asked Little Moishie, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Moishie nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, Dr. Feldman wrote out a prescription and handed it to Moishie's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Moishie must have. Little Moishie's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

Is There a Doctor in the House?

It's 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Minkofsky's house. "It's Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it's not another emergency." Dr. Minkofsky takes the phone and says, "Hi, what's up?"

"Don't worry, everything's OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It's just that I'm at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We're having a little game of poker and we're short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?"

"Sure .... yes, of course," replies Dr. Minkofsky, putting on a serious voice, "I'm leaving right now." And he puts down the phone.

"What's happened?" his wife asks, with a worried look.

"It's very serious," Dr. Minkofsky replies. "They've already called three doctors."

My Son the Doctor

Leah meets her old friend Naomi and they start talking about their families. "So how's your son getting on?" Leah asks.

"Oy," replies Naomi, kvelling, "what naches my Sheldon gives me. He's now a qualified doctor and has just opened an office in the City. His patients all work for the top banks, brokers, insurance companies, you name it. Sheldon is a very good doctor, Leah, you should go see him for a check up."

"Listen, Naomi," replies Leah, "I'm in perfect health, so who needs a check up?"

"Don't worry Leah," says Naomi. "My Sheldon is such a good doctor -- he'll find something."

Second Guessing the Doctor

Old Marvin Himmelman labored his way into his doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my pharmacist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a pharmacist second guess a doctor's orders?"

Mr. Himmelman said, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

A Wonderful Doctor

Adelle was unhappy with her doctor so when her friend Shulamis was raving about her Dr. Cohen, she decided to give him a try.

Beside them was a woman who was visiting to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep." Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door.

Adelle nudged Shulamis and let out an audible “Oy” as the two of them sympathetically watched the woman’s painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, the woman walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard Shulamis whisper triumphantly to Adelle, "See, Adelle, I TOLD you Dr. Cohen was a wonderful doctor!"

The Rabbi and the Doctor

Dr. Goldstein moved into the neighborhood and began attending the local shul. Rabbi Feldman was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, Rabbi Feldman referring people to the doctor, and Dr. Goldstein telling patients about the shul.

One referral from Dr. Goldstein called the shul office asking for a written copy of the Rabbi’s last four Shabbat sermons. Rabbi Feldman was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.