The Latest Jewlarious Jokes

Dreaming of a Diamond Necklace

Miriam woke up one morning and told her husband Moishe, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." Moishe said.

That evening, Moishe came home with a small package and gave it to Miriam.

Delighted, Miriam opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."


Where’s the Beef?

Shloimie Rabinowitz told all of his friends about the great corned beef sandwich he'd eaten at Yitz’s Deli the day before. So a group of his friends decided to join him and see if was really as large and delicious as Shloimie was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the deli. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic corned beef sandwiches.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest corned beef sandwiches they'd ever seen.

"What is going on here?!” Shloimie exclaimed to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, corned beef sandwich. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve small miniature corned beef sandwiches! What’s the deal?"

"It’s very simple sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."


Directions in Chelm

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop in Chelm where Chaim Yankel and his friend Berel Schmerel were waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. Chaim Yankel and Berel Schmerel just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, angry. Chaim Yankel turns to Berel Schmerel and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says Berel Schmerel. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."


 

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