The Latest Jewlarious Jokes

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Silent but Violent

Moishe and Miriam were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, Moishe realized that he would need Miriam to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), Moishe wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning Moishe woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"


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In the Eye of the Beholder

Little Moishie watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cream on her face.

"Mommy, why are you rubbing that on your face?" he asked.

"To help make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" Moishie asked. "Are you giving up?"


https://www.aish.com/j/j/511060672.html

Stolen Hearts

Marvin and Shirley Applebaum were childhood sweethearts who had married and settled down in the same neighborhood where they grew up. They were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Shirley."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Shirley quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

Marvin says, "We've got to give it back."

Shirley says, "Finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Shirley says, "No."

Marvin quickly interjects, "She's lying!! She hid it up in the attic."

Shirley says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

However, the agents sit Marvin down and begin to question him. "Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning."

Marvin says, "Well, when Shirley and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, "Let's get out of here!!"


 

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