The Latest Jewlarious Jokes

Stolen Hearts

Marvin and Shirley Applebaum were childhood sweethearts who had married and settled down in the same neighborhood where they grew up. They were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Shirley."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Shirley quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

Marvin says, "We've got to give it back."

Shirley says, "Finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Shirley says, "No."

Marvin quickly interjects, "She's lying!! She hid it up in the attic."

Shirley says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

However, the agents sit Marvin down and begin to question him. "Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning."

Marvin says, "Well, when Shirley and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, "Let's get out of here!!"

Read ‘Em and Weep

Shuli and Itzik Smadar make their first doctor visit at Shaarei Tzedek hospital in Jerusalem prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, Dr. Cohen took a small stamp and stamped Shuli’s stomach with indelible ink.

The Smadars were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, Itzik dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Im Yirtzeh Hashem by You

Shira Brown used to hate going to weddings. After the wedding and during the reception, her aunts and all of the other older women would come up to her and say “Im yirtzeh Hashem by you” which means – God willing, you should be next.

But Shira got them to stop. Know how? At funerals she started approaching the older women saying, “Im yirtzeh Hashem by you”!


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