The Latest Jewlarious Jokes

Don’t Be Mad

It was the 1950’s, Miriam was a new bride and after the wedding, she and her husband Moishe moved into their new home. She put a box on a shelf in her closet and asked Moishe never to touch it.

For 60 years Moishe left the box alone, until Miriam was old and dying.

One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two scarves and $100,000 in cash. Moishe took the box to Miriam and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," Miriam explained. "She told me to knit a scarf to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Moishe was very touched that in 60 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $100,000 for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling all those scarves."


Kids These Days

Shloimi was complaining to Rabbi Feldman how difficult a time he was having in disciplining his teenage son. "When I was a kid and I did something wrong, my parents sent me to my room without supper. But my son has his own flat screen TV, smartphone, computer, and video game system in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" Rabbi Feldman asked.

"I send him to MY room!"


Eating At Us

Suzy Epstein was giving a talk at congregation Beth Israel as part of their “Healthy Living” series. A dietitian, Mrs. Epstein was addressing our unhealthy eating habits. “The material we put into our bodies is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be full of bugs, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"However there is one thing that is the most dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

Old Moishe Meiselman sitting in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"


 

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