The Latest Jewlarious Jokes

Chelm’s New Police Force

Unfortunately, crime was increasing in the city of Chelm, so the local population decided to start a police force and they put forward three of their brightest young men (that were still not that bright) to be trained as detectives. They called the State of Israel to ask that one of its specialists be sent to train them.

Police Chief Hadari began by interrogating the recruits to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, Chief Hadari shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" Recruit Berel answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

Chief Hadari says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

Recruit Schmerel laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

Chief Hadari angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he show the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

Recruit Chaim Yankel looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

Chief Hadari is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow, I can't believe's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," Chaim Yankel replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

The Ink is Barely Dry

The ink on John Cantor’s printer began to grow faint, so he called Moishe’s Print Shop where a friendly employee informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told John he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, John asked, "Does your boss Moishe know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's Moishe’s idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Thank You Hashem

Rabbi Feldman decided that it was time for his kids to show more gratitude.

“Children,” Rabbi Feldman said one night at the Shabbos table, “Hashem wants us to be grateful. That’s why we make blessings before we eat. But I want us to do more. Let’s go around the table and everyone should list things that they’re thankful for. Moishie, you go first.”

Little Moishie Feldman cleared his throat and began. “Well I’m thankful for Mommy, and I’m thankful for Abba. And Bubbie and Zadie. And all of my brothers and sisters. And this beautiful Shabbos meal. And especially the dessert. And...” suddenly Moishie paused, and everyone waited – and waited. After a long silence, Moishie looked up at his father and asked, "If I thank Hashem for the broccoli, won't He know that I'm lying?"


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