The sages teach that each time someone speaks badly of others, it is like killing three people.
Who is dying?
1. The Person Speaking
In whose eyes is this happening? On one level, the person speaking is being killed in the eyes of God. The Almighty has given that person the gift of speech, and he or she is using it to pit one person against another, to put others down and to speak of other people's private business.
On another level, he or she is being killed in the eyes of all those who are listening. When you have "the goods" on some-one and say to a group of people, "Guess what? I heard the real story about so-and-so's marital breakup," what happens?
Everyone leans in to hear the juicy gossip, and you become the center of attention. You are, in a sense, being crowned! You become the queen or king of this moment.
But it's just a moment. If you are known as the type of person eager to speak badly of others or quick to share "the dirt" at any given time, you will not be the person others come to for advice or with whom they entrust their lives. After all, if you are so quick to speak badly of others, everyone knows that soon they will be fodder for your social hobby.
If you speak badly of others, everyone knows they will be fodder for your social hobby.
When Bob was a television newscaster, he was also an avid speaker – as well as listener – of gossip. According to Bob, "When I was with certain people, it felt like we were best friends; as though it were the two of us against the world. But I also knew that the same was true for whomever my ‘friend' was with at the time. If they talked about others so viciously, what did that tell me would be said about me when I wasn't the ‘best friend of the moment'?"
Interestingly enough, not only did most of Bob's coworkers not trust people like this, but they didn't like them either. Of course, that didn't stop anybody from listening to all the juicy gossip.
The truth is that at any moment you can be the popular one, but in the long run, you are lessened in everyone's eyes if you gossip. When you speak badly of others, it is like committing slow suicide.
Did you ever wonder why gossip is called "the low down" and "the dirt"? Let's face it, putting others down only brings us down. Some time ago, someone in my evening class on ethics shared the following story with everyone in attendance:
I was attending a ceremony at our house of worship and my sister-in-law walked in dressed very inappropriately! She was wearing a revealing top and I just couldn't believe it. I pointed this out to my husband and told him that his sister had done it again. When will she ever learn?But my husband did not respond. He just stood there and stared at me. It's maddening. He does it every time I speak about people. Don't you think he should say something to his sister, or perhaps I should?
I responded by saying, "First, do not say anything to your sister-in-law. She won't be able to hear it from you. If you have that type of relationship, chances are she won't be able to hear the weather report from you, let alone a comment about her choice of dress – as this can often be a challenging relationship.
"Second, when you speak negatively about others, who is being lessened in your husband's eyes?"
The woman didn't have to think long. "I am," she whispered.
"You've got a good guy there," I answered. "Don't just hang on to him. Learn from him."
2. The Person You Are Speaking About
The person who is the topic of discussion at hand is obviously being killed. Such people are going about their business innocently, oblivious to the fact that you are speaking about them and affecting the way others view them. Irreparable damage can be done with every word, whether the information is true or not.
Money can be earned back easily, but a reputation developed over years can be wiped away instantly.
A person's reputation – their good name – is certainly a major part of his or her joy of existence. Money can always be earned back fairly easily, but a reputation for honesty, integrity, and kindness, for being a loving husband, a good parent, a charitable and righteous person, while developed over years, can be wiped away instantly in a flash of evil speech. Depending upon the circumstances, it may be nearly impossible to restore it to its original level.
The Japanese have a term that describes very well what happens when a person's reputation is damaged: The person is said to have "lost face," as if they no longer exist.
3. The Person Listening
The Talmud says that the person who is damaged most of all is the one who is listening. Worse than gossiping is listening to gossip!
We all know deep down that, although almost everyone does it, speaking badly about people is plain wrong. The person you are slicing up is being harmed to no end. Yet, we wonder, why in the eyes of God is the passive listener the one who is doing the most harm?
The answer lies in the word passive. Of all three parties, the listener is the only one who has the ability to stop the evil speech in its tracks. The speaker has already made the decision to speak badly of others. The one being spoken about has no control over the situation. The listener is the only one who has the power to change the course of the conversation, which is why God puts the onus on the listener.
Reading gossip is even worse than listening to it.
My son pointed out to me that reading gossip is even worse than listening to it! Sometimes, he said, we are in a situation in which someone will blurt out something negative about a person, and we have heard it before we have had a chance to block it. However, reading gives us time to decide whether or not this is something we want to know about. If an article is a juicy exposé on a person's life – exposing private details that are surely embarrassing and damaging to that person's reputation – why do we spend even one second of our lives reading it, other than for a momentary thrill or as a sick form of entertainment at someone's expense? There can be no excuse that we couldn't help hearing something that was suddenly blurted out. Clearly we would have made a conscious choice to "listen" to things we shouldn't.
Reputations are destroyed, marriages are ruined, partnerships are broken – there is no end. Are you beginning to understand why Bob and I are so emphatic about one of the world's favorite pastimes?
Keep in mind that these biblical laws apply not only to talking about people, but also about organizations, groups of people and an individual you probably never expected – you. Yes, you are not allowed to speak badly about yourself! If you put yourself down, you are transgressing these laws. By doing so, in essence you are saying that God blew it. God doesn't blow it. He made you in His image, and God doesn't make junk. So forget the self-deprecating dialogue. You are unique. You are special. You have potential for greatness. Now use that potential for good.
Ten Pathways Of Positive Speech
Better pointed bullets than pointed speech. Otto von Bismarck
The Ten Pathways of Positive Speech
- Speak No Evil. Say only positive statements. Let words of kindness be on your tongue.
- Hear No Evil. Refuse to listen to gossip, slander and other negative forms of speech.
- Don't Rationalize Destructive Speech. Excuses like "But it's true" or "I'm only joking" or "I can tell my spouse anything" just don't cut it.
- See No Evil. Judge people favorably, the way you would want them to judge you.
- Beware of Speaking Evil Without Saying an Evil Word. Body language and even positive speech can bring tremendous destruction.
- Be Humble; Avoid Arrogance. These will be your greatest weapons against destructive speech.
- Beware of Repeating Information. Loose lips sink ships. Even positive information needs permission before being repeated.
- Honesty Really Is the Best Policy – Most of the Time. Be careful to always tell the truth, unless it will hurt others, break your own privacy or publicize your accomplishments.
- Learn to Say "I'm Sorry." Everyone makes mistakes. If you've spoken badly about someone, clear it up immediately.
- Forgive. If you have been wronged, let it go.
Excerpted from "Gossip – Ten Pathways to Eliminate It From Your Life and Transform Your Soul," by Lori Palatnik and Bob Burg Simcha Press). Available at Amazon.com.
(15) Anonymous, September 8, 2013 11:59 AM
Thank you. This is a great time of the year to get wisdom from my Jewish friends. I just finished a poem that complements this, I think:
Water Cooler Blues
It was at the water cooler
With your grins
Frozen on faces when I glanced in innocence.
It may shock you just to know
I felt the sting
When you traded in for standing
And your camaraderie.
I forgive you,
Heaven knows I’ve done my time
Repenting of my gossip,
Verbal murder masked so fine.
If you want to know why
Seventy times seven’s still the game,
I died a thousand deaths
By the words you used today.
(by Me, Myself and I – WE’RE SORRY!)
(14) Anonymous, May 9, 2009 7:27 PM
Thank you
This article really helped me with my guilt. Lately the gossip at work has gotten out of hand and I have been caught up in it. I think everyone should read this article. It is a breath of fresh air.
(13) Anonymous, July 23, 2007 5:01 PM
I agree!
This is an eye opener. It took me while before I could have the courage to honestly read this. When you are used to being abused by someone in your life, a ex spouse or even a parent, its not allways easy to apply Gods commmands in our lives, much effort is required at times. This is true, honest Godly wisdom, that you have provided but, not always easy to apply, yet not impossible to do! I agree with you, because it comes from God. He said it first, you have managed to explane it in more detail, that reached the heart. And for me the only way I can succeed in this wonderfull, godly inspired councell, is to cut off what is bad, or cut off what will make me fall into this sin. Yes its true, we have to avoid damaging speech, and gossip, and sometimes the only way to do this is to avoid the situation which means to avoid the person attached to the situation, kinda like a "divorce", once you do it, you dont turn back to it, you get on with your life, heal, throw out the bad, take out the weeds form the flowers so you can enjoy the real beauty that is all around you. Kill it before it kills us. The bad talk and gossip. {Not kill the person literally but metaphorically speaking, spiritually}thank you!!!
(12) Anonymous, April 4, 2005 12:00 AM
Sometimes Staying Silent Is Wrong
This is a great article, and I agree with all the points made. However, I believe that we must speak out about an injustice or evil if we see that maintaining silence will perpetuate abuse. For example, I think it's wrong for newspapers to dish dirt about people who happen to be famous, but it's a duty to report a crime such as the current genocide in the Sudan or even government corruption at home. On a personal level, I think it's wrong to discuss other people, but it's right to report child abuse to the authorities, or, if you are abused, speak to someone in confidence in order to get help or advice.
(11) Anonymous, March 28, 2005 12:00 AM
Thanks for the article
Guarding your tounge protects yourself and others.
If you're in a situation though where you need to say something, you should learn what and what Not to say, subscribe at free_email@chofetzchaimusa.org
(10) Manuel, November 16, 2002 12:00 AM
Comment of gossip ?
Well, sometimes with my coworkers I speak badly of my bosses, they are sometimes mean people
I know is wrong but it is difficult to avoid it
Could you call that gossip ?
(9) Olga Loaiza, October 16, 2002 12:00 AM
Words That Hurt
Yes, absolutely, because of the human physique, once the gossip is out, “REPUTATIONS ARE DESTROYED”.
(8) Tom Price, October 11, 2002 12:00 AM
Wonderful and wise
I enjoyed the article very much.Very well written. It contains many "gems" of wisdom. Keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
Tom
(7) Linda, October 2, 2002 12:00 AM
Fantastic and so simple!
These ideas can drastically change the lives, of the victims and the gossipers. Thanks for your amazing thoughts.
(6) Bob Burg, October 2, 2002 12:00 AM
Response to reader question from co-athor of book
This is Bob Burg, co-author (with Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik) of the book, "GOSSIP...". I'd like to respond to one of the readers below, who asked a couple of excellent questions regarding this topic.
>
>
First, "Anonymous" asked, <
Your question is very intelligent and appreciated, and I thank you for asking. Let's first define gossip as any type of harmful or hurtful communication. As you may know, in Hebrew, "loshon hora" literally means "evil speech" (and this would also apply to something written or even body language). With this in mind, it is actually part of the Laws of Proper Speech (Shemiras haloshon) to inform someone when that is necessary and proper. An example would be someone about to enter a business deal with one who you know to less than ethical. Without going into detail here, let me say that, although there are certain guidelines to be followed here, it would be correct to provide a warning. Or, if someone is speaking loshon hora and you want to gently admonish them. The key is to do so with tact and kindness. All of this is covered in the book.
The next question asked by Anonymous was
<
WOW, I love your question because that was one of mine when I (myself, a former speaker and listener of gossip)first began learning about this topic.
First, discussing a problem with a trusted friend would not be gossip, providing that what is said is necessary and helpful. Sometimes, it is more the "way" it is said. Rebbetzin Lori teaches this beautifully when she says there is a big diffence between telling your spouse that "John and Mary are having some problems; do you think you could help them?" and, "Oh, did you hear the big news - John and Mary are having problems". The first way was said with helpful concern; the second way would be gossip.
Regarding gossiping "just" to let off steam . . . again, that was me. Interestingly enough though, it was sort of like eating an ice cream sundae: I felt some instantaneous pleasure, but afterwards had to deal with an extra two pounds. Instead, maybe there's another way to let off steam which is more positive.
Again, thank you so much for your comments and questions. Feel free to check out our new website at www.EndGossip.com
Be well,
Bob Burg
(5) Anonymous, October 1, 2002 12:00 AM
Where is the separation?
In everything that was said, in this topic, I too agree that gossip is a very dangerous tool to use against people.
But I wonder this; when does it become gossip verses letting someone know when something might be going on that is not quite right?
And what is the difference between gossip and discussing something with a person of trust, or friend, when you are needing to let off frustration or needing another insights into an issue?
I'm honestly a little confused with the gossip issue.
I think we all gossip, even when we are not aware of what we are really doing. Until we think about it later.
But I still believe that there must be a time and a place to discuss matters of the heart and soul, even if it involves other people. Am I wrong?
(4) Denise Rootenberg, October 1, 2002 12:00 AM
Very timely message
We just had a big upset in my family with someone blithely passing on information another family member had told her. Your article appeared on the same day!
It really made an impact on me. I have read a lot about lashon hara but never thought about reading it being so bad. I always look at the junk magazines at the grocery checkout and laugh at the absurdity of the stories. I never thought anything of it. Now I realise that your son is right and it's a form of lashon hara even if we don't believe the articles.
(3) Jeff, September 30, 2002 12:00 AM
Another explanation which I came across...
A few weeks ago, I was really thinking about this subject. How was Lashon Harah equal to murder? I thought about this realistically: If, for example, you were to convince a friend of yours not to get into a relationship with another friend because of certain characteristics, and that friend and the other were actually B'shert to be together, the breaking up of that B'shert relationship thus would cause children from never being born and thus you were the one who caused this. This essentially murdered future children from being born.
(2) Esther Gerber, September 30, 2002 12:00 AM
One of the most IMPORTANT books I have ever read!
I am in a state of wonderwent.
It was a fantastic learning experience.
One of my favorite proverbs is--The tongue is a powerful weapon, Once you spew a word it can never be retrieved.
I take this very seriously.
Oh, I was so proud.
You know what! I did not know the essence of gossip.
There are so many subtle ways in which I did, without realizing it.
Read and see. You'll be amazed.
With Bob"s good common sense and Lori's sense of spirituality it's got to be a winner.
Happy reading...Esther Gerber
(1) Robin Slovacek, September 29, 2002 12:00 AM
Powerful and Profound
Thank you for printing the excerpt from "Gossip: 10 Pathways To Elimate It From Your Life And Transform Your Soul". It is a powerful and very profound message we all have to remember. When we gossip, the person we are gossiping about is not the only one who is effected. We are all effected by Lashon Hora (evil speech), and it is up to each of us in our own way to elimate it from our lives. "Gossip: Ten Pathways to Elimate It From Your Life And Transform Your Soul" is an excellent book as well as being a great learning resource. I have read the book and can recommend it highly. I have learned a great deal from it, it has opened my eyes in a number of ways and it has made a huge impact on my life. Once again, thank you for printing the excerpt from the book.