Your grandmother would turn over in her grave!
It's forbidden by the Torah!
You're finishing Hitler's work!
These are some of the more common arguments against intermarriage. But these are negative, guilt-inducing reasons, and they rarely work.
Perhaps a more effective approach is the rational, practical view.
There's a video put out by the Reform Movement of America, called Intermarriage: When Love Meets Tradition. It's a real-life documentary that depicts a series of group therapy sessions for intermarried couples, designed to help them deal with the challenges of intermarriage. None of the couples are religious, but the video shows how ― surprisingly ― the major obstacle in their marriage is the issue of religious identity.
Esther Perel, a therapist who counsels interfaith couples, says in New York magazine: "The difference isn't just between Moses and Christ. You're dealing with issues of money, sex, education, child-rearing practices, food, family relationships, styles of emotional expressiveness, issues of autonomy ― all of these are culturally embedded."
These problems often come to the fore during lifecycle events. In the Intermarriage video, a Jewish woman says: "Our marriage was going smoothly until the birth of our baby boy. I was thrilled and wanted to arrange for a Bris (circumcision). But my husband thought I was crazy and said, 'I won't allow that bloody, barbaric cult ritual.' Instead of celebrating the birth of our child, we were having a terrible fight. He finally agreed to a Bris, on condition that the baby be baptized. I was shocked. Now I'm not sure our marriage is going to survive."
Egon Mayer, a professor at Brooklyn College who studies interfaith issues and published a study linking intermarriage with higher divorce rates, said
The Next Generation
One of the most challenging aspects of intermarriage is raising children. Many intermarried couples say: "We're going to let our children choose their own religion. When they grow up they can choose what they want. That way they'll get the best of both worlds."
Children of intermarried couples frequently suffer an identity crisis.
The reality, however, is that children of intermarried couples frequently suffer an identity crisis. Jews often look at these children as non-Jews, and non-Jews look at them as Jews. One set of grandparents has a Christmas tree, the other a Chanukah menorah. This is all very confusing for a young person trying to forge an identity in an already-complex world.
Children need to have a solid, unambiguous identity which gives them a place in the world. They need a spiritual tradition through which to experience lifecycle events, and to have a community where they feel at home.
Psychologists report that many "dual-religion" children express anger at their parents for putting them in the middle of an issue that the parents themselves could not resolve. When a person has to choose one religion over the other, there is always the subconscious sense of choosing one parent over another.
Even when the non-Jewish spouse agrees to "raise the kids as Jewish," that only works as long as the couple stays married. In the event of divorce, custody issues become a huge challenge. I know of many cases where ― following a divorce ― the non-Jewish spouse simply reverted to raising the kids in a fully Christian lifestyle.
Complicating the issue is what happens in the event that the child grows up to strongly embrace religion. If he turns to Judaism, he'll disrespect his parents for having intermarried. And if he becomes a believing Christian, he'll think the Jewish parent is destined to hell for denying the faith.
Beyond this is the issue of the husband or wife experiencing his/her own spiritual awakening. Young adults who do not profess a belief in any particular religion often turn to religion later in life. A Gallup Poll showed that during an average lifetime, religious commitment is lowest from ages 18-39 ― precisely the time when people are making their decision about who to marry. I have a folder of emails from intermarried people whose lives turned to horror when they (or their spouses) turned back to religion. In such a case the issues are insurmountable.
A related scenario is where an intermarried spouse wants to explore his/her own religion, but holds back from doing so in order not to drive a wedge into the marriage. This inevitably leads to spiritual frustration and resentment toward the spouse. Many intermarried people have told me with great sadness, "I would like to be doing more Jewish things, but my spouse would never allow it."
This is not to say that all intermarried couples are unhappy. But if you would ask their advice, they would almost unanimously agree that with all things being equal, it's better to look for a partner with the same religious background as yourself.
Millennia of Loyalty
One consequence of intermarriage is that it is often the first step to total assimilation. Studies show that 92 percent of children of intermarriage marry non-Jews, effectively detaching themselves forever from the Jewish people. In other words, intermarriage threatens Jewish survival.
This is true, but it begs the question: Why is Jewish survival important? Why is Jewish survival something one should sacrifice personal happiness to achieve?
Jewish survival is not merely an ethnic issue, but also a moral issue, because the Jews are not only an ethnic group, they are a moral force. The values that the civilized world takes for granted ― monotheism, love your neighbor, peace on earth, justice for all, universal education, all men are created equal, dignity of the individual, the preciousness of life ― were all revolutionary ideas taught by the Jewish people.
The Jews as a moral force continues to this day, as indicated by the disproportionately high number of Jews in charities and in causes of social welfare, from civil rights to feminism. As Rabbi Nachum Braverman explains, this is not to say that only Jews are capable of conscience or of goodness. It is to say that of all the nations throughout world history, only the Jews have defined their national mission as bringing moral clarity to the world.
Find out what's driving Jewish greatness for 3,000 years.
Generation after generation of Jews understood the power of that mission, and the deep personal dividends it provided. This explains why ― even in the face of terrible persecution ― they clung with such loyalty to the Jewish people.
Yet there is no way to understand the riches of Judaism based on a "Hebrew School" education. Before deciding who to marry ― the most important decision of one's life ― it makes sense to find out what's been driving the Jewish people to greatness the past 3,000 years. Here are four suggestions:
- Attend a Discovery Seminar. This gives an excellent overall view of Jewish history and philosophy ― and answers the question, "Why be Jewish?"
- Try a Shabbat experience. Shabbat is the rhythm of Jewish life, and the glue of a Jewish community. Try it out one Friday evening.
- Visit Israel. The experience of visiting Israel is the quintessential act of Jewish self-discovery. Being in an "all-Jewish" environment steeped in millennia of history, Israel provides a new perspective on the role of the Jewish people in the world, and of each Jew's personal connection.
- Read the book, Why Marry Jewish? You might also enjoy: On Judaism, The Aryeh Kaplan Anthology, and Book of Our Heritage.
As the saying goes, have the family jewels appraised before you sell them forever.
Take a Break
In the face of these arguments against intermarriage, many people will say, "Love conquers all." Actually that is not true. Love is open-eyed; infatuation is blind. If you think love will conquer all, then you are infatuated. The foundation of a good marriage is shared background and goals, which helps the love in a marriage grow stronger over time. Otherwise, the love will dissipate amidst various pressures and challenges.
Unfortunately, when a couple is in love, the rational perspective can get clouded by the powerful physical attraction. That's why, in considering intermarriage, the best advice is to have a three-month trial separation. This means a complete separation with no communication. Spend the time investigating Judaism and pondering the question: "Do I need to be married to this person to find happiness in life? Without that trial separation, it is impossible to have clarity about the right thing to do.
Those who cannot handle a full separation should at least agree to no physical contact for three months. See the real person and deal with him/her on a level unencumbered by the physical involvement. If even doing this is too much, then chances are this relationship is based on infatuation and that means it is weak at the core.
In contemplating intermarriage, it is crucial to take some quiet time and ask the following questions, developed by Rabbi Kalman Packouz, author of How to Prevent an Intermarriage. Answering these questions honestly should help set a clear path.
• All things being equal, would you prefer to marry someone Jewish?
• What are some of the differences between your family and your potential spouse's family?
• Does your potential spouse want to observe any of the non-Jewish holidays? How do you feel about this?
• Would your potential spouse want any symbols of their religion in your home? How do you feel about this?
• Do you feel proud when you hear about the achievements of other Jews?
• When there is a terrorist attack in Israel, do you feel connected to the victims? Does your potential spouse share that feeling?
• Do you have an emotional reaction when you hear an ethnic joke putting down Jews, or hear the words "Hitler" or "Nazi"? Does your potential spouse share that feeling?
• Do you want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery? If you, God forbid, lost a child, would you want him/her buried in a Jewish cemetery?
• How will you feel if your non-Jewish spouse surprises you by deciding to raise the children according to their religion?
• Does your potential spouse or their family dislike Jews in general, but feel that you are different than most Jews?
• Does your physical attraction for this person perhaps prevent you from being aware of problems which may cause difficulties later?
• Are you afraid that if you do not marry this person you will have a hard time finding someone else to marry?
• Given all the challenges, would you be better off looking for someone else to marry?
This is not a guilt-trip. This is an issue of practical reality. Marriage needs to be a partnership to grow, work together, and weather the tough times. Marriages are so fragile these days, that it's illogical to choose a relationship with built-in problems of such magnitude. It is a documented fact that intermarried couples have a higher divorce rate, estimated at 70 percent. Would someone ever consider going into a business with a partner who carries this risk of failure?
Every Jewish soul has a Jewish soul mate. There are many avenues to meet that match. Marrying the right person is largely based on the effort we make. Do some networking, inquire about Jewish singles programs in town, and post a profile on jdate.com.
It is possible to "have it all" ― a wonderful committed relationship, free of built-in liabilities, and a Jewish life with Jewish children. Why settle for anything less?
(53) Anonymous, April 12, 2015 9:40 PM
Defining Ahead of Marriage
Excellent article. I totally agree with all the above illustrations included in the article and fully understand it, as I had my own set of of issues when planning for my wedding years ago. Even though I was not formally Jewish, Torah devotion was instilled in us in our home as I was growing up. Therefore, years later into adulthood, as I prepared to get married I wanted to have a Jewish ceremony even if I needed to go through a conversion process. I wanted to create a Jewish home of my own for my future children, but my husband was Christian and totally opposed. Then after we had our children, circumcision was not to be mentioned, and when our children were ready to start school, arguments flared again given that I wanted to send my children to Hebrew school. Even simple things like for example praying at meal time would spark rolling of eyes and negative murmurs in front of the children. It truly kills the self steam of the person who in her perfect faith, is trying her best for the children's future generations. The marriage held for many many years only because I acquiesced every time, and only to avoid the drama in front of our children and to avoid confusions for them. I still feel resented at times when I think about it. At the same time, I feel some degree of guilt for not making a concerted effort to provide my children with the Jewish education and home I envisioned for them since I was a child. It wasn't until I separated from my husband in 1998, and then divorced that, I felt and concluded that for the sake and best interest of one's children, one needs to marry a person of one's own religious beliefs and moral values, if of course we want to provide a solid foundation to the children, in a secure, stable Jewish home environment. Thank you Rabbis Shragga for the above deeply engaging topic.
(52) Rie Moya, June 12, 2013 10:20 AM
Interesting
Very interesting views!
(51) Anonymous, August 2, 2012 12:07 AM
Ridiculous reform
Sadly and tragically, reform and other movements think its fine to re create the laws, calling a child a Jew if they ha e a father who is a Jew. This is purely to serve the self cent redness of the parties who have no knowledge whatsover, of any Torah. The simple law is, from a Jewish mother, because she houses the baby and her blood food oxygen is the definition then the child is a Jew. End of. Why bother having reform, it's an excuse to just hang onto something Jewish, why not just dump it all, ? Because being a Jew is something g No Jew can forget, get rid of or leave. For all those married to Gentiles, my heart aches for you, try reading a good Jewish book from a proper Jewish source, reform amd conservative liberal etc, all are country clubs. Please save your poor children from the craziness of being screwed up. A Jew is a Jew. There are no halfs. I a an observant Jewish worn with lovely kids who respect all people, no matter what faith, sadly other Jews do not think their brethren deserve respect. Save your children from the confusion. Don't tell them they are Jewish if their. Other is a catholic, a Protestant or anything else. Very very sad. If you. Arry a gentile, that is the end result, gentile children, and you cannot change this fact. I know it's a hard pill, but, if you want Jewish, Marry a jew
(50) Anonymous, August 1, 2012 11:50 PM
Child of intermarriage
I would like to tell you how it feels to. E born of a Jewish mother and gentile father. My soul was on fire for many years because I was Jewish and yet, my identity was co stanstantly questioned. . Especially among other jews who looked down on me and the Gentiles whom I was seen as something strange. To marry a gentile is severi g your ties with your people, you're spitting in the face of Gd you're turning your back and laughing at your people. Please do t think that you will never feel at odds within your soul, that you will look and love your spouse for everything they are deep within. Happiness is from within, knowing that you are on the mission set for you from Hashem, not to marry another faith,. The gentile has their mission, the Jewish people are the Jewish people, please do not be fooled. As a child of this union iI can tell you, my soul was always on fire. Wanting to belong to my people, but always on the outside. Be strong, look for your true partner, you are stopping a Jewish person being happy if they cannot find their true partner, YOU.
(49) mona, July 3, 2012 6:50 PM
love the article
love the issue that is brought up here. You see, this issue is a "standard view" of intermarriage of what we all knew about on this sensitive issue. what we dont see is that bring up a broad issue about different culture, up-bringing, religion belief will cause conflict within the system (government, family, society, relationship etc) and this is a standard view of us people. what we dont understand creates conflict, turmoil and disagreement. I honestly, wont blame any culture at this matter. what matter is what's best for our kids, whats best in marriage, whats best for our family, whats best for us. What we forgot about on this issue is that eventhough we choose whoever we want to be in our life what matter is we choose that person FOR A REASON and that reason is to PROCREATE LIFE. Our Heavenly Father, didnt brought us here to CREATE DIVISION that will cause us harm and unhappiness. He brought us here to see our differences and weakness for us to work on those part of our life and even in married people. understanding family context is not a view of individualistic mind set but a mind set of a team player so married couple will find co-existence of harmony and trust for the kids. In family we need to set aside our differences but focus on what is important, family goals and the safety of the family. When we let one issue gets in the family and hold a grudge on it, a person and all the family will fall apart and that will create a problem. We need to understand when a sensitive issue is brought up inside the family dont let it bother you but embrace and approach it with GRACE and RESOLUTION. Remember, family creates resiliency to children! and when children see's that there is harmony at home regardless of intermarriage or not, they will grow up feeling SECURE and CONFIDENT. remember family is for the interest of the children and adult at the sametime because there is a blessing assurance and agreement that LOVE is ABOVE ALL ELSE IMPORTANT.
(48) Bill Sundling, March 28, 2011 2:11 AM
Pre-marital counseling
Interfaith couples need to have pre-marital counseling. Couples needs to discuss children, religious upbringing, how holidays are celebrated, finances, and all kinds of other things before they get married. There's no reason why the birth of a child should start a conflict between husband and wife. The issue should've been settled a long time ago.
Shoshana -Jerusalem, June 16, 2013 7:39 PM
they were settled
In most cases these issues were discussed and decided on before the couple decided to marry. But there was no way they could know in advance the strong emotions that having a baby would stir up in them, from deep down inside, where they never thought to look and didn't know existed.
(47) Jason Schlosberg, February 24, 2011 7:41 PM
condemn the discrimator, not the discriminated
My Catholic wife and I were married in an interfaith ceremony in 2003. While our differing religions pose challenges, I find them very enlightening. They have actually helped us find deeper faith and our love only grows because of it. In your article, you state: "The reality, however, is that children of intermarried couples frequently suffer an identity crisis. Jews often look at these children as non-Jews, and non-Jews look at them as Jews." I find this assertion perplexing. Essentially, it argues against intermarriage because of how others will perceive and treat your children. I think the more appropriate focus should be on the Jews and non-Jews becoming more accepting of children in interfaith families. We should fight against discrimination, not attack the discriminated. And your argument against interfaith marriage due to the confusion it would cause the children is also misplaced. Faith is confusing. Belief is confusing. Judaism expects its adherents to learn through debate; recognize that there are areas where we have various interpretations and not take all allegories literally. If anything, an interfaith child who chooses to be Jewish will do so much better armed with knowledge, since they will have to question Judaism's belief system much more than the Jew born into an all-Jewish family. And your assumptions of how interfaith children will react to their parents later in life is completely unfounded. Where is your support for these illusory assumptions concerning anger and resentment? There are so many other reasons children are angry and resentful of their parents. This is not one of them. Unfortunately, I find many of your arguments non-sequitors, used only to mask Jewish elitism and discrimination. A moral code? Are you saying that Christians have a subservient code? That same argument could be used by other religions seeking to keep their adherent's children from marrying Jews. Dangerous territory you have entered into.
Anonymous, February 18, 2013 2:10 AM
Sorry Jason but although I understood your point, I definitely hear a sense of guilt!
Ira, February 18, 2013 2:14 AM
The bottom line is a Jew cannot marry a gentile, as there's nothing we the modern people can do about it. It's the word of Gd and although it doesn't sit too well with us the people of the new age, it's His decision and there will be consequence. I'm sorry but He makes the rules.
(46) Bryan, February 24, 2011 5:30 PM
Faith
As far as I know,it all started with my Great grandmother in Iceland.She came to the US and married a Christian from Scottland.I don't know if they followed a religion. They moved to Canada and their daughter married a Christian.Their daughter,my mother,married an aithiest,my father.Those marriages all stayed together right up to now or till death did they part. I didn't know anything about religion or my Jewish heritage until recently.Although it's usually treated as such,Jewish isn't a racial thing,but is a religion.Faithless,I fell in love with my high school sweat heart,had a baby girl and seperated 15 years later.I changed jobs and cities,where I married a Christian that had some serious phycological problems.We seprarated after 18 years. By this time,I realized that I had an alcohol problem and entered a 12 step program.It was a spiritual program and that's where I found God. After finding that there was a God and I could access it and that it actually wanted me to make proper choices,I decided to go Jewish.Best choice I've ever made.I don't want to ruin it by devuldging too much,but I realize why marriage and relationships where such a problem for me.Even addiction to alcohol is something that religion can fix.Everything started with the Jewish religion.The others seem to have arrived when people couldn't accept what was written first.Some say Christianity was created by the Romans,to devide the Jews before conquering them.Mohammud arrived to clean up for the Gentiles.If we all stuck to what was promised to be the right on,we wouldn't still be fighting.
(45) Ysrael, February 24, 2011 5:03 PM
It is not just abut freedom of choice
When intermarriage comes to the dinner table as something that needs to be addressed, it happens that some of my friends (specially a couple - guy and girl) that have had a hard time finding their soul mates are willing to explore "other choices". Needless to say, always we come to the point of having children. It is obvious that intermarriage is quite easy when there's only a couple, negotiation and giving is only between two of them. The argument "when they grow up they will choose" is a big denial of things: the children won't have a choice because choosing is based on a full informated way of understanding. Very few children from these couples have the "full" training on both religions - unbiased - to actually choose right. And of course, after the choosing phase, it comes the relationship not only with their parents, but with their surroundings, the social and psychological consequences of the decision they made. As usual, when stating from a "philosophical position" it sounds very doable, and very straight forward, but life rarely is that way and we are never ready for a turn in events. Choosing is commitment to something whether you are a Jew or not, and you cannot experiment on a life that is not your own, you cannot raise children assuming that they will "have the choice I never had", because they will never understand this life statement due to a lack of the background you had in your time. Choose wisely and carefully. Love is beautiful when everything is clear and not clouded with emotions. Love are feelings, but actually carrying out a relationship needs brains. Shalom Aleichem.
(44) Blair, November 14, 2010 3:10 AM
I am 64, my Mother is Jewish from Switzerlannd and my Father Catholic from Ireland. I follow the Jewish faith yet my brother is following the Catholic faith and my sister is Protestant. We all have strong commitments to our chosen ways. I honestly can't remember any problems growing up we were taught to be faithful to the teachings of our religions and be proud of who we are and what we believe. The three of us and our families are all very close, we spend many hours discussing our respective choses and admire each other for those choices. Being raised in a family like mine has taught us tolerance and respect for those around us and not criticize the beliefs of others. I am Jewish and proud of it.
(43) Anonymous, August 16, 2010 4:00 AM
a product of intermarriage
I am a daughter of a non-Jewish father and a Jewish mother. None of my parents are religious, so according to the theory of proponents of intermarriage, I should be ok. I love my dad and he is the best dad I could ask for. But I had a hard time finding my ethnic and religious identity. It is not as simple as being bi-something. It is hard and painful. Luckily, according to the Halacha, I am Jewish. My friends, whose fathers are Jewish and mothers are not are in more pain than me. I also wanted to marry a Jewish man but followed the example of my mother and married a nice guy, who was not Jewish for no other reason than I met him before a nice Jewish guy. My marriage fell apart. I ended it and caused pain to my ex and myself because I was wrong about intermarriage. It was slowly eradicating the jew inside me. I was suffocating in the mainstream White world. I felt that I was losing my identity that I have fought for when I was growing up. I have realized that no matter how accepting my husband was, how much he was willing to do, he was not my half, my basheret. He would never be. We did not have kids. If we did, it would have been even worse. Intermarriage can happen and people can make it. But this type of union silences or even kills the Jewish soul inside you. If you identify with Jewishness, you may feel a lot of confusing feelings that eventually will kill the love you two have, especially if you have kids. Intermarriage makes it more likely to have your Jewish culture, tradition, or religion disappear. I do not believe that intermarriage is for me and I would advise my friend against it, if she/he asked. I am not disrespecting my parents but I am aware that some things should not be mixed.
(42) Anonymous, August 15, 2010 7:14 PM
i HEAR WHAT YOU SAY, BUT WHEN YOUR CHILD MEETS SOMEONE OF ANOTHER FAITH, WHO IS OBVIOUSLY THEIR SOUL MATE AND THEY SHARE THE SAME BASIC FUNDAMENTALS OF A "GOOD PERSON", ARE ACCEPTING AND EVEN PROUD OF OUR JEWISH TRADITIONS BUT ARE STRONGER IN THEIR OWN FAITH, YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THEM AND POSSIBLY BY INCLUDING THEM IN WHAT WE BELIEVE AND DO , IT MAY ENCOURAGE THEM !!!! i WILL NOT PUT PRESSURE ON MY CHILDREN BUT HOPE BY SHARING WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO US , IT WILL STRENGTHEN WHAT MY CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP WITH AND FILTER THROUGH TO THEIR CHOSEN SPOUSES.
(41) Harley, July 29, 2010 12:31 PM
Hi, i agree with you james (may 19th) in many ways. I just wanted to say, im a 21 year old with a jewish parent and a non jewish parent and i have a very strong jewish identity, alot stronger than many jews i know with two jewish parents. Being brought up in a very jewish family and a jewish community can be a really wonderfull thing but it can make children take their identity for granted. Many jews with one non jew parents know how special their jewish identity is and we make conscious effort to persue it, instead of just accepting it as its all we have ever known. . Im just saying there are pros and cons to every situation. My parents have supported me and my siblings, they gave us a secure childhood and the freedom to explore any aspect of our religious identity and we are all in love with being jewish...because were jews!!! You dont need to give a child a set identity! the whole dual religion thing is not confusing or difficult and it does not make us angry at our parents, If the parents get divorced and one parents decide to raise the children as christians thats just bad parenting and whatever religion your from or situation your in you can be a bad parent, this is not what has to happen in an interfaith marrige. also in the event that child grows up to embrace either religion, he/she will have to deal with other people in the world who do not follow their beliefs, and he/she will respect and handle those differences,(a good trait) especially with a mixed background. They wont have problems with their parents belifs. live and let live! Also im glad non jews see me as jewish cuz im proud and i pay no mind to jews that think im not because nomatter how jewish you think you are, there will ALWAYS be a jew to say your not a pure as them. i have a jewish heart because im jewish and a good childhood cuz i had good parents. I just had to speak for my self and say if ur worried about your children in an interfaith marrige - dont be!
(40) James, May 19, 2010 3:20 PM
What happened to the Enlightenment?
It is really sad that in the 21st century, after centuries of enlightenment and evolution of mankind, religious leaders are still preaching messages of social segregation and encouraging the division of humanity to justify there own position of importance and indeed their very existance. The glaring contradiction in this article is the notion that all men are born equally, yet cannot freely choose their life partner without suspicion and prejudice. This hypocrocy is precisely the reason why so many people feel dissolutioned with organised religion and it's leaders.
(39) Shoshana-Dvora, September 21, 2009 10:30 PM
intermarriage
in response to Stev e(# 37) : When I said may of them (jewish men ) are inappropriate as marriage partners , I meant too old /t oo young; too frum/not observant enough; geographically undesireable ( I will not live in the middle of Nowhere!), incompatable life goals, etc. But then, even putting religion aside for a momen, 99% of non Jewish men are probably not appropriate marriage partners (for me). For everyone, fnding the RIGHT one is VERY, VERY hard! It's just harder for committed Jews because of our low numbers!
(38) Anonymous, July 13, 2009 2:58 PM
debate of the century
Most of my Brandeis graduate friends (myself included) married non-Jewish men, albeit not be conspicuous choice. Some husbands converted, some didn't. We all did shidduchim, jdate, shul singles experiences. As much as I hate to quote a television show, I think Patty Stanger of "Millionaire matchmaker" said it best. "Many Jewish men want Jewish girls that look like a shiksa". She tells those with curly hair to straighten it, etc. "I give him these gorgeous Jewish girls and he went straight for the blond shiksa!" I see it episode after episode when she has Jewish clients. Yes, it's tv but it does happen more often than not. I attended a shiur once where the rebbitzen said that some non-Jews are considered to have a Jewish soul and they don't know it yet--a ger. Given the pogroms and history of our people, it makes perfect sense that some of our intermarried Jews married a ger. My husband is a bigger mensch than most Jewish people I know. Our children are 100% Jewish and maybe one day Daddy will think/wonder about whether he may have been a lost member of the tribe. I dont' think any of us can condone/deride anyone else for their choice of spouse. Only G-d should judge us and the choices we make.
(37) Steve, June 13, 2009 8:41 PM
Question for Shoshana-Dvora
Hi Shoshana, I'd be interested in knowing why you say "many of them are inappropriate as marriage partners for various reasons". There have been many discussions on jdate about why non-Jews are so much more responsive than Jews, men or women, in dating sites and dating situations in general. One argument goes that Jewish women are overly concerned with finding doctors, lawyers, etc while non-Jewish women do not place the same emphasis on salary. These are all Jews who raise this argument. I would be interested in why these men are "inappropriate". If you are on jdate perhaps you would like to contribute to the discussion
(36) Anonymous, June 13, 2009 5:38 PM
REALLY NOW?
Let me preface by saying I wholly agree with the article but.... but....why are there so many movies, tv sitcoms about young Jewish men dating/salivating over gentile women? Is no one thinking about the consequences on young impressionable viewers? Think about it- we can all recall songs, popular during our youth. How much more visual images, replayed. What must this do to young Jewish women to think this is a 'popular theme'? Even though America is becoming 'very pluralistic', I can assure you no other race/ethnic group would tolerate seeing this on a daily basis on television. It just WOULD NOT HAPPEN. The women would not tolerate it. Get it right people. Stay Strong.
(35) Rosen, June 11, 2009 7:52 PM
finding meaning in marriage
Although I am typically a secular/conservative Jew, I am extremely willing to date and likely marry another Jew. Otherwise, if I were to intermarry off a non-Jew, I feel that Judaism would feel too voided out for me because I didn't fulfill the Torah commandment. Certainly, going to Israel can be a profoundly life-changing experience, and I've been there which really helped boost my Jewish soul (even though I am not the most practicing Jew). Thus, younger Jews ought to get more involved with Hillel in college and the Moishe House as young adults. And of course, it should have a very welcoming atmosphere, because that way a Jew can rest assured that the faith he was born into does have it's warming roots of unity that go back to Mt. Sinai 3000 years ago. Frankly, I don't think opposites necessarily attract, because a couple must share very similar basic values to bond with. If only the Shidduch system was implemented more in the Jewish community - it could have benefited me as opposed to being on my own to find my bashert with virtually no help from my family and Jewish institutions. On the whole, I would either want to be with someone Jewish, or try to be as content as I can single.
(34) Esther, June 11, 2009 9:01 AM
My brother nearly intermarried too!
He was so close to getting engaged to his lovely, nice Christian girlfriend. He had answers to all our objections, too: Judaism is nice, but it's abstract, while love is real. He'd raise his children Jewish as well as Christian. Isn't being a good person more important than any one religion. Nothing could dissuade him. And then - he and his girlfriend broke up (for unrelated reasons). A few years passed, and my brother met another nice girl. This one seemed not so different from the first, except she was Jewish. True, she was utterly secular and didn't care much about her Judaism. (All her siblings married Christians.) But she and my brother happened to meet, and eventually they got engaged. They had an extremely Reform Jewish wedding, and obviously didn't keep kosher or anything. But then a curious thing happened: they had children, and suddenly their religion became very important to them! They wanted to have something to give to their children that addressed and answered the big questions of life. They wanted to give their kids a spiritual anchor. Now, my brother and his family are still by no means very observant: they belong to a Reform synagogue. But so much of their life is infused with Jewish things: Jewish play groups and Sunday school for the kids, Friday night dinner with candles and challah, Purim carnivals, Chanukah parties, Passover seders. When I think it was almost an accident that I have Jewish neices and nephews at all, I'm filled with gratitude that my brother happened to find this Jewish girl to marry! It so easily could have gone the other way. I'd recommend every Jew who is dating or thinking of dating a non-Jew to consider what will happen to their families in a few years. If you marry somebody who is not Jewish, you close that door forever.
(33) Ashley Bell, June 11, 2009 2:53 AM
Inter-marriage can be a broken jig-saw puzzle
The status of being a Jew is clear cut. If your mother was Jewish, you're a Jew. If you convert, you're Jewish. The felt experience of knowing (or wanting to be accepted that)you're Jewish is another thing all together. One thing I know about Jewish culture is that no Jew stands alone, no child, whether the mother is Jewish or not, whether the father is Jewish or not, must ever FEEL like they stand alone with their Jewish identity, should they be raised in a Jewish (or *quasi-Jewish*) household. It seems on the surface unfair to expose a child to the duality of religious thought & custom. Adults have the luxury of freedom of making an informed choice, that choice has a ripple effect on the child, through no fault of their own. If a child absorbs the unspoken understanding that it's OK to feel, think or behave 'half-Jewish'it betrays Jewish heritage. How can a Jewish child/teenager meaningfully & confidently come forth out of Egypt as a slave on 1st night seder dinner when his Christian Dad only half-heartedly leans to the left on the first cup of wine, when his father doesn't know how to make hamotzi on Shabbos, or doesn't care whether or not his son is excited about playing Mordechai at school in the Purim Speil? Some children are raised as Christians not knowing their mother was/is Jewish, walking through life with a 'phantom' identity purely by default. When a Jew intermarries & represses, conceals, forgets or abandons their Jewish life & identity, the child can be left with a broken jig-saw puzzle to put back together. Feeling like one lost piece of a jigsaw puzzle is one thing, not knowing (or feeling encouraged or supported to know) where to look for the other pieces in order to connect with them is another issue. Connecting with Jewish life is a responsibility: how can you expect a child to be responsible for his/her Jewish identity with mixed symbols & the absence of a strong Jewish foundation?
(32) David], June 10, 2009 3:12 PM
what we can't say with words
My brother is engaged to a non-Jew, and I don't think that any of the reasons given in this article would (or should) dissuade him. I have no emotional or cultural issues against intermarriage, we were raised in a completely secular backdrop, and received the best, most modern, and liberal education, and most of my best friends were not Jewish. But something happened to me in college: I found the wealth, the depth, the breath-taking scope Jewish learning and practice. I could never begin to put that into words. But anyone who has studied the authentic Jewish tradition knows what I mean. It pains my heart endlessly to see my brother committed to an intermarriage. It pains my heart even more to read the many comments submitted (and I read them all), written by well-intentioned, wonderful people, Jews and Gentiles alike, struggling to find their bearings in all of this Chosen-ness confusion. Here's the bottom-line scoop on Judaism, and here's why it's unique: the more you learn the source material, the more you question your assumptions, the more it makes sense, the more you know it's entirely true, and the more dedicated you become. If you don't learn, explore, and question, then you remain utterly bereft and disinterested. Other religions are not like that. You can maintain your Jewish "identity", celebrate the holidays, but until you learn and question, you will never know what you (and your children -- EVEN if they are Jewish) are missing. This article, and most articles geared toward the general public, is a helpful one, but it's beating around the bush. The main point is: as Jews, we claim and always claimed to be entirely unique. People don't like to say that today, and even Jews don't like to admit it. But our ancestors were all people of great scholarship and wisdom, and it made sense to them. If that makes sense to you, then intermarriage won't be an issue. If that doesn't make sense to you, have you made the effort to understand where you (or your Jewish spouse) come from? Please, please, no matter what your situation and/or difficulty, take time to learn and understand Torah and Judaism in a way that speaks to you. It's not just the way to prevent intermarriage, it's the whole reason to be Jewish in the first place.
Anonymous, March 26, 2019 2:16 PM
To commenter #32 David
Thank you for saying everything I wanted to say. As you can see I need to stay anonymous. It has been a decade since this article was written, and I watch with great sadness as the intermarriage rate continues to climb among milenials, (sp?) I was raised in a VERY Secular household, but over the last decade and a half have been climbing the ladder of observance. I read the weekly parsha and haftarah portions, even though they can be hard to understand. I am also the mother of a now young adult son and am doing my best to inoculate him against marrying outside of the faith.
(31) Anonymous, June 9, 2009 9:42 PM
I would be very interested in your addressing the topic of secular and religious couples and the challenges they face..
(30) Sharon, June 9, 2009 8:42 PM
Some Intermarrige Does work
I think that some of the points touched on in this article are very important, but I think it harldey right to limit them to all Intermarrige couples. I think that the disscussion of religion in ANY marrige is vital. If you don't have an understanding of how your significant other feels religiously, you are bound to be in for a suprise down the road when you find out that your SO wants to keep Kosher after having a child when you never thought it was relevant before. Yes, some people grow more religious as they age, but what happens when you are reform and your SO suddenly wants to go Orthodox? These are issues that every relationship faces even if they share a common faith. I am intermarried, with a beautiful son. We are/have always been very open about what we want spiritually for our family and how we will go about doing that. As a Non-Jew I fight against my sons assimilation to a non-jewish lifestyle dailey. Is it hard to do? Yes, more so then if we were in complete religious unity. Can it be done while preserving a jewish household and family? I can only speak from experience and say- Yes.
(29) Shoshana-Dvora, June 9, 2009 4:15 PM
intermarriage
I am against intermarriage for many reasons. STILL, I don't criticize Jews who intermarry, especially women. For many of us , it may NOT be possible to have it all (Jewish spouse, kids,etc). No Christian man would have me, as I will not have Xmas trees and pork in my house. And supporting Israel is my major political concern Fact is, there are too few Jewish men, and many of them are inappropriate as marriage partners for various reasons. They say that day school education is the #1 deterent to intermarriage, but I think that finding the appropriate Jewish partner is even better.Many Jews speak out against intermarriage, but are they helping singles find Jewish partners? If not, tbey should keep quiet. Every married Jewish person should consider it his/her sacred duty to help singles find Jewish partners!
(28) Steve, June 9, 2009 10:58 AM
Assisting Jewish singles rather than complaining
I have heard rabbis and other Jewish leaders worry over intermarriage. I have not seen Reform or Conservative synagogues active in Jewish singles activities. The Orthodox do assist Jewish singles but their efforts are geared toward the very young. With the high divorce rate a large proportion of Jewish singles are in their late 30s and 40s and up. Rather than complain action should be taken by our leaders
(27) Chaya, June 9, 2009 8:44 AM
Thank you
...for a truly rational, calming approach. Judaism is about setting priorities. And thinking of the generation after. That's it.
(26) marcuse, June 9, 2009 5:34 AM
Issue more complex than "rational" approach
Judaism has known inter-marriage since the beginning of...judaism! And is still alive, kicking and a powerful force for the good of humanity. Those who are scared of inter-marriage should look at why they are scared. They would learn something very important.Keep faith and be happy every moment of the life that Ha Schem gave you.
(25) Jamesy Loouse, June 8, 2009 6:30 PM
True
My Brother marred out and his kids were so confused. Now his son just converted to Judaism, so that he can marry a Jewish . He only converted after they were engaged. On the other hand the other son angry at his father, moved hours away, and married a gentile.
(24) Esther, June 8, 2009 5:06 PM
Answer to "conversion" question
The sociologist Sylvia Barak Fishman, who teaches at Brandeis, has studied what happens to inter-faith couples, including in cases where the non-Jewish spouse converts. It's worth looking up Prof. Fishman's books and articles, she's found that even when a spouse converts to (non-Orthodox) Judaism, his/her children are overwhelmingly likely to grow up to marry non-Jews.
(23) sharona, June 8, 2009 3:51 PM
Our purpose
Assimilation happens when people loose their sence of identity and blend in with society around them. - Just to be clear, marriying within the faith has nothing to do with people being better or worse. It has to do with purpose. Jews has their purpose in this world, and the gentiles have their purpose. - We Jews have a mission to keep the Torah and the 613 mitzvos(commandments) that G-d gave us, - A Jewish couple is meant to do his and her part. She lights the shabbos candles Before sundown on Fri -- he makes kiddish(the blessing on the wine) before dinner fri. night and before lunch on Sat. morning -- they keep family purity, and she once a month dunks in the mikva water which is a mitzvah that brings blessings -- he puts on tefillin in the morning, and when he can, he does some Torah learning, and they both get rewarded for it. - If the wife is not Jewish, she can't light the shabbos candles, since the mitzvah of shabbos is for us. Some things like kosher, anyone can keep. But according to Jewish law, shabbos is for us. Plus, if she has kids, they won't be Jewish if the mother is not. - If the husband is not Jewish, he can't make kiddish on shabbos. Plus, his Jewish wife doesn't have someone who can fulfill the mitzvah of tefillin and Torah learning, and she misses out on sharing the reward. - yes, some non-observant Jews don't these either, but at least they can do it, and maybe they'll decide to, But a non-Jew, If they choose to do so, would have to go through a long conversion process that's according with Jewish law. Some choose to, but some don't.
(22) kirsten, June 8, 2009 2:34 PM
intermarriage
i am a jew.my husband is not.we were blessed with 4 wounderful children.i told my husband from day one.that are children would be raised jewish.my husband agree's with me.there is no problem from his side of the family.about the way we raise are children.my parent's acceppt my children 100 %.thank's to my parent's for giving me a loving heart and a open mind.because of them i have a woundreful and understanding husband and 4 wounderful children.
(21) Feigele, June 8, 2009 2:05 PM
One Race Under G-d!
Again, the source is here to stay and will be with you all your life, no matter the trials and tribulations you are going thru in life. if you live long enough, you will come back to your roots until the entire world turns over and around and become one race under G-d. Until that day, Judaism is here to stay.
(20) Liz, June 8, 2009 1:50 PM
make something very clear
MOST christians or at least catholics today, do not believe that someone from a different religion goes to hell simply because they don´t follow christianity, it is absurd.
(19) Feigele, June 8, 2009 1:41 PM
Maybe in a perfect world!
This is all so true but life is not rational. How wonderful it would be if only we could find someone not only with the same faith but also believing in it. You take what life gives you. Unfortunately, all these problems occur when you do intermarry that’s for sure and very sad. But it also happens when you marry in the same faith and one of the spouses doesn’t wish to follow traditions. Wouldn’t you rather choose a job that you like instead of what you can only find? Wouldn’t you rather be beautiful instead of what ever you are? Wouldn’t you rather live in free countries instead of oppressed ones for some people? Wouldn’t you rather be rich instead of poor? Wouldn’t you rather be a man or a woman? And so on… When you are young, the heart takes over the mind. You meet someone and believe in your heart that this is the one. There is nothing to stop you from following your heart. When you are older, there is a conflict between your mind and your heart, and if you have not yet found the right person, then the next person you meet, this time, you are sure it is the right one because you have waited for so long that you believe it is G-d’s will and that finally he sent you someone special fit for you. Your mind is thus telling you to follow your heart because there might not be another chance, no matter the consequences.
(18) kay, June 8, 2009 12:09 PM
Hmmm...
I am in an intermarried situation myself and I find little of this essay to be true. First, I do not want my children to believe as I do just because I say it. I want them to think for themselves. Second, ones religious identity is something that is in flux and takes time and effort to cement, what's wrong with soul-searching? It is to be expected. Third, I would much rather my children think of themselves as a travelers on the common road of life that to define themselves as "I am x not y". Lastly, if I believe that all human being have the inalienable right to choose their religious path, then why would I deny that to my children. I have told all the above to my children from the time they were very little, and they are not confused at all and have a strong faith life.
(17) Anonymous, June 8, 2009 10:51 AM
Yeah right.
The problem is that there are more single Jewish women out there than Jewish men. Either we marry outside or, like me, end up living single with a houseful of cats.
(16) Yeshaya Danny, June 8, 2009 10:21 AM
Is staying single better?
Many Jews start out looking for another Jew to marry but often marriage is not on the agenda until mid 30's. After a few years, particularly among women, there is a concern regarding having children or just finding a mate period. Then the issue becomes, if I want to get married at all I better relax my criteria. Tough to argue ... for a women, the kids will still be Jewish.
(15) ross, June 8, 2009 9:53 AM
Still rips families apart
My brother was intermarried in a church many years ago. (Neither side was "religious".) I didn't go. He's still not talking to me. My extended family is still quite hostile. Afterall, they all did it, too. No explanation could ever satisfy them. I think this is the most difficult and devastating part of being a baal tchuva. I have no regrets becoming frum, but I lost my family due to an issue which is almost impossible to explain. Statistics are nice, but the only reason intermarriage is forbidden is because the Torah says so. It's a joke to them.
(14) Laurie, June 8, 2009 9:17 AM
A committed, observant Jew cannot marry a non-Jew successfully. If there is such a 'successful marriage' between a born Jew and non-Jew than its because Judaism is not that important of an issue to wither of them. Judaism, as it has been practiced through the ages is a total lifestyle, not just matzo balls and Yom Kippur services. Intermarriage 'works' because secular Jews dress, eat, play and live just like non-Jews. If the Jewish-born daughter in response 4 marries a non-Jew, she wasn't really raised with the values inherent in Jedaism as it has been observed throughout time. If she has a son and he repeats the pattern, the line of Jewish people stops there.
(13) Anonymous, June 7, 2009 9:13 PM
Try this book
For anyone interested in an honest serious informative and excellent book on this topic try "Perfect Strangers" by Rabbi Avraham Jacobovitz.
(12) Alan Levitt, June 7, 2009 6:45 PM
Intermarriage is the 2nd Holocaust
Freedom is tough. When we give many Jews the freedom they choose to intermarry and end Judaism there.
(11) Anna, June 7, 2009 4:46 PM
is conversion ok? what if it is not orthodox?
What happens if the non-Jewish partner is not religious, but is willing to convert to Reform Judaism? (E.g. is comfortable committing to the social and cultural norms of Judaism but considers herself agnostic?) Does it matter if the Jewish partner is also agnostic/feels attachment only toward the cultural (not religious) aspects
(10) misterb, June 7, 2009 4:00 PM
complex world
The values we civilized people "take for granted" can not be attributed to only the jews. These values have roots in many cultures and will continue by civilized people everywhere. "Love your neighbor" is especially difficult as most jews keep a "safe" social distance from their gentile neighbors. Jews intentionally lead separate lives because of a belief in their special covenant with God. If they intermarry, they must reconcile this "special" separate nature from their spouse. How do they justify marrying someone whose soul is not compatable with the soul of their gentile mate? Talk about adding confusion to an already complex world !!!
(9) J, June 7, 2009 1:36 PM
i completely agree
My uncle married a catholic woman. she converted because she was craving religion of some sort so she chose to go along with him since he was from an observant family. But when she wanted to explore becoming more religious, he balked and they ended up getting divorced. At the end, she and her son ended up back at the Catholic church. the boy was so confused as to his identity! It was the biggest mess...
(8) Anonymous, June 7, 2009 12:57 PM
From someone who has been through the situations described in this article
Thinking about intermarriage? Let me add a voice from the other side. My upbringing was not very religious and I did not know much about Judaism when I met my spouse. We were both quite involved in demanding careers and religion was not much of an issue. However, G-d had a different plan for me, and after becoming a mother, my career seemed less gratifying and I experienced that spiritual wake up call described here. Thankfully my husband was more gracious about it than I would have been if he decided to follow his religion, but it was not an easy path for either of us. During this time I not only studied Judaism but also read many books, secular and religious, about marriage in general. One of the secular books I read was called "Lies at the Altar". It's about hiding certain aspects of yourself when you get married, and how this causes trouble later on. It advises couples to take a good hard look at what matters to them before marriage, for either consciously or not, by thinking religion does not matter, you risk hiding (and hiding from) your soul. My wanting to become more religious rocked our world. It was not about whether I married a wonderful person, or loved that person, I did. It was about not understanding my own Jewish soul when I got married and for that, I owed him an apology. I am grateful for my wonderful husband and family, and all of G-d's blessings to us and it is from this position that my "warning" should be meaningful, since people look at me as an example of "working it out". Often people think it is being prejudiced against other faiths when we speak out against intermarriage, however, as I learned, we can do the non-Jewish partner a huge disservice when we do not acknowledge our own Jewish soul.
(7) Beverley, June 7, 2009 12:47 PM
Frankly I hope you are happy! Where do you think the others peoples come from? Do you consider the others as lesser beings? What makes you think everyone wants children? I am very christian and very in love with a pure jewish gentleman and will love him forever! Other nations are capable of loving permanently. Incidentally, who is Ruth...?
(6) name, June 7, 2009 12:19 PM
"You're finishing Hitler's work! These are some of the more common arguments against intermarriage." This one makes no sense, as Hitler prohibited intermarriage in the Nuremberg Laws
(5) shells, June 7, 2009 12:01 PM
praying for the answer
all the time i pray now since my awakening and so i would like to add that i humbly feel that G-d knows the right match for us and it is equally His blessing we should be seeking. thank you for your lesson for always He will read our heart and answer our prayers and request for guidance. shalom
(4) Anonymous, June 7, 2009 11:22 AM
Unhelpful article
I'm a Jewish woman married to a non-Jewish and non-observing spouse for 35 years. We have two daughters who were raised Jewish. The first will be married to a non-Jew this fall. She plans to raise her children as Jewish. In many respects, being in an interfaith relationship requires more commitment to one's Judaism than two Jews who don't take the time to continue learning and practicing Judaism. Marrying "in" doesn't lower the divorce rate and is no guarantee of marital success or happiness. Judaism isn't a one dimensional entity. I agree that love doesn't conquer all, but discussions of how to intermarry and raise children in one religion can work without identity confusion or lack of religious practice. It is a huge mistake on the part of religious organizations to be uniformly negative about the outcomes of interfaith relationships.
(3) Anonymous, June 7, 2009 10:05 AM
older intermarriage
I am surprised that you didn't deal with the idea of intermarriage as second marriage, i.e., if there is a divorce/death after raising the now older kid/s and a choice to "marry out." Substantial difference when you're not dealing with childrearing. And I have certainly read elsewhere, and perhaps even in Aish articles, about non-Jews who (eventually may) convert for marriage (or already within it). I suggest another article. . .
(2) Frank Adam, June 7, 2009 9:59 AM
More than ethnic Q's needed
The Kalman Packouz questions are essentially only ethnic. Once dead you can not do much about where your family bury you or if they visit. The KP Q's do not ask the person "in frame" anything to oblige them to to think twice about they or their children being in an alternative rival theology - and would they like that? Starting with, "Have you discussed with your intended whether the children should be circumcised/ baptised?" There should be questions about: Do you want to be in a (C)culture that believes in forgiveness by believing in a human atonement sacrifice? Do you wish to be in (C) culture that believes one is three and three is one? Do you wish to be in a (M) culture that believes that all unbelievers are by definition inferior and that rights and equalities only apply to Moslems - a very un-American doctrine! And one could continue...
(1) Karen, June 7, 2009 9:34 AM
My experience
The highest obligation each individual has is to seek the best spiritual path for themselves. Christian, Jew, Hindu, Muslim or whatever it is most important to give serious consideration to these issues. As the non Jewish partner in an interfaith marriage I helped my partner raise our children as Jews. There are certainly problems with that approach. The Jews who marry non Jews are often non observant Jews who are not equiped to raise Jewish children without assistance. And Jewish communities vary in the degree of support available for outreach activities. We married in a very supportive community and unfortunately moved to a very closed unfriendly community. This made it more difficult than it needed to be. I love Jewish traditions and enjoyed preparing for Jewish holidays at home. My husband continues to be non observant.