Partly Jewish?

Having been raised in a similar situation my jewish education was seriously lacking. And I had to start pretty much from scratch. Thanks to individual and kiruv groups I found my way back to my Jewish family.

Your essay deserves to be published to the widest possible audience! Thank you for your wise, emenistic voice.

Yes., And coming from a mixed marriage and also i don't know if i've survived about three brainwashing programs-one of which was Christian, the others Left., tand Psychiatry., i' would lilike to offer the vieew from someone whose experienced this stuff: Jewish religious eduation, together with emotional and practical support for who this child is., as an individual. That "Jewish"., is a religion only.m and not a historical people., i think might be debatable. That there's no genetic substantion for 'Jewish', i think might be debatable also. I'd like to offer that: Jews can be: soldiers., mechanics., kibbtzim, engineers., farmers., artists., musicians., and that all of these qualities are valid and that they have evidence in history that Jewish people had these occupations and professions. Insisting that a child be an academic anda PH.D., etc., and that this is the only valid choice, along with the pressures that go along with this. has led to a lot of departure from all things Jewish for many people. Along with a rise in mental and emotional troubles.And 'Psychiatry".

Going backwards might not be genetic, but going forwards is. The child of a Jewish mother is a Jew. That there are other Jews, converts, doesn't change this, because the children of female converts will also be Jews.

And she didn't go to Wharton like her father suggested. And she went into psychology, not business. The school thing was just an analogy.

The consequences are disastrous.
If anyone has any ideas of how to deal with them, for the repentant Jewish mother, please share.
Living with the fallout is unbearable.

I just would like to point out a few things... The example of the college versus high school is not so much accurate or objective because this is YOUR subjective point of view when you compare two religions . You also assume that the faith of the parents is not a real issue which they care for, basing it on the fact that instead of going deep with one religion they confuse their child by experiencing two religions, eliminating the possibility of gaining a deep knowledge of Judaism so they are missing out its real meaning. I believe that people are different and whatever works for one, not necessary will work to an other... Even in observant Jewish families where all the kids are raised in the same way, sometimes one of them goes on a different path..... On the other hand, I personally know kids who grew up in not observant Jewish families, or mixed religion families and they chose the way of observant Judaism. So I think that what worked for you, not necessary works for someone else...Some people just want to esquire and explore additional options and make their choices. The most important thing is the way we behave to each other and the 'midot' we demonstrate in our daily life, and not so much the 'name' of the religion to which we belong. The Judaism is full of wisdom, this is true, but you must allow to every person - even if it is your child - to learn, explore and decide by himself. Every human being has his own life path, non Jews too, every human being is a creation of God and has a spark of God as part of himself which will guide him regardless the religion to which he\she belongs by birth. Some of us are more connected to this inner spark and others less, but at the end all humanity will feel this connection and act by this guidance. We should strive to create unity and understanding and not division. So, when a family is mixed, it is only natural and helpful to give the children both the perspectives.

They know they are Jewish as they were born of a Jewish mother, my daughter. But they need me to spend some time with them to help them become active as Jews. Being mulato, they are gorgeous (you expect a Jewish buby to say anything less?) and it is my hope that they will raise their children to be Jews.
My son's son is lost to Judaism. I've not seen him in over a decade because of a falling out with his father. But he is lost to us.
Yes, I mourn the loss of any Jew, particularly one who is lost due to mixed marriage.
It is sad, very sad. What with is going on in the Ukraine, making Jews once again register themselves and declaring their property, and in France...the United States will eventually turn on Israel and subsequently her Jews. It is a sad time for humanity.
NEVER AGAIN? It is happening.

I have personally experienced the down side of what you are talking about. My Jewish great, great Grandmother, a Cohen, had changed the spelling of her name and emigrated to America in order to survive religious persecution in Ireland. She emigrated to a Religious colony in Chillicothe, Ohio, probably with all good intentions of remaining Jewish. Unfortunately, that did not happen. I have spent many years trying to get back in. I emigrated to Israel with all three of my children after my non Jewish husband divorced me. We successfully lived in an Orthodox community. We went to Shul. We practiced all the feast days. I worked at the Chabbad House in the Rova. I desperately tried to get a conversion that would allow me to marry a Jew and keep my Jewish status but, alas, that never happened. Now my three beautiful children are lost souls to Judaism and are assimilated into Gentile communities because we were deported by refusal to allow us to.stay and convert. I am forced to stay alone in a single state because I refuse to marry or even date nonJew.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, and especially your children. According to the author of the article, she states that "according to Jewish law, there is no such thing as ‘partly Jewish.’ If your mother is a Jew, you are totally Jewish, like it or not." If that is Jewish law, I don't understand why you and your children weren't allowed to stay? While I can understand a community wanting to maintain a stronghold of beliefs and law, I don't understand the refusal to accept those who whole-heartedly wish to be a part of it?

Alesandra,

Although you are a gentile, you have committed yourself to marry only a Jew. Jewish law expressly prohibits such a union.

Although Jewish law reflects a mandate to all mankind to "be fruitful and multiply", you refuse to discharge that obligation by marrying a partner who is eligible to marry you in the eyes of Jewish law.

That which Jewish law forbids, you seek to do. That which Jewish law requires, you steadfastly reject. At a certain point a person has to realize that G-d loves you, and He made you a gentile. So it must be pretty okay for you to be a gentile. There is no obligation to become a Jew, but becoming a Jew entails a lot of obligation. I hope that you find your truth, happiness and a good and appropriate husband soon.

David how do you address the issue of children of Jewish fathers experiencing genuine antisemitism with menace attached to it when most of the wider world, especially antisemites, define Judaism purely in racial terms -and though even when made aware of the matrilineal rule, refuse to care about the matrilineal rule? I have had 4 such incidents ( thankfully no more than that, but it was enough to be disturbing), and I am more than happy not to identify myself as Jewish. In addition to having had these experiences I am concerned by the rise of antisemitism and politicians like Jobbik wanting to come to London to speak, and wanting people to go back 5 generations to prove they are not Jewish ( in his view then, not only am I Jewish, not only are my children Jewish, but my great great grandchildren are Jewish and worthy of negative treatment). Simultaneously Orthodox members of the Knesset want to change the Law of Return to exclude people such as myself and my offspring, so that should the lunatics take over the asylum, I and my children will have no refuge anywhere. I reassert that I don't want to be seen as Jewish, or any other religion. I just don't want to be placed in a catch 22 situation of being labelled Jewish by people who hate Jews, and simultaneously rejected by the Jewish community itself. I want a practical answer to these very real issues- any thoughts? ( Btw saying these issues would not be occurring had people like my parents not intermarried and in essence telling me that I should never have been born, really isn't helpful. And telling me to lie about my background to everyone as a pre- emptive measure isn't either. I don't announce my personal details unless I know people well anyway- hence this anonymous post. But as I am a real person, at times I also need to have honest communication in order to have meaningful interaction with other human beings. Sort of a necessity if you don't want to become really depressed really quickly!) Cheers.

There are two issues here,

1- letting your kids choose their religion is like letting your lawn choose how it looks. If you don't nurture it, it has no chance of looking nice. Hard work, comitment and a lot of Mazal are the only chances you will see proper results. (Reverse physiology never works )
2-a person from a mixed background will need to keep a lot more of the comitment in order to be fully accepted, after all their parents obviously didn't show much comitment to anything.

Your article is ridiculous. You write on this issue as if people who are 'partly Jewish' (and I assume you mean of patrilineal descent, otherwise you would simply refer to them as Jewish), are offered the choice to embrace Judaism in the first place. The Orthodox community makes sure they cannot. So as a result, surprise surprise, they often don't maintain Jewish practices in later life because they are told, often from childhood, that they are not wanted. Do you know how it feels to be kicked in the face by the people you're descended from whilst simultaneously being a potential target of antisemitism from the extremes of the gentile world, just like any other Jew? Doesn't sound like you even contemplate such viscerally central and isolating issues that 'partly Jewish' people are forced to experience.
Unless of course when you say ' partly Jewish' you actually mean children of a Jewish mother and a father from another background- because of course from your perspective children facing the issues I describe in my last paragraph are just 'not Jewish' full stop- and therefore their very real problems aren't worth contemplating from your point of view.
Either way, as I said at the beginning, your article is ridiculous as it misses the central issues, which are very real and incredibly painful for hundreds of thousands of people.

The author was writing in response to an article in which "Mrs. Miller asserts that children in interfaith families are not lost to Judaism." Her point was that letting them coast and enjoy both worlds isn't much of an education for their adulthood.

Your additional point that according to halacha some of these chidren are not supposed to be educated Jewish - is a very important one, just not the point here.

I take your point that she was answering another article- maybe my criticism would be the same for that original article as well. Everyone is avoiding the real issues because they are difficult and distressing.

Regarding 'partly Jewish' people I have never seen an actual direct address of the elements outlined in my last post from the Orthodox community, and only very rarely from other more liberal strands of Judaism. And that is the problem.

In Europe anti-semitism is tangible and 'partly Jewish' people are on the receiving end of that just as much as any other Jew. Simultaneously they are made to feel unwelcome in many parts of the Jewish community and by authoritative institutions in Israel- and Orthodox politicians are trying to pass Bills in Israel which would effectively block the Right of Return to many partly Jewish people so that they and their families would have no refuge in future if the worst ever came to the worst.

And in the face of that to still read articles focusing only on the comfortable, philosophical elements of this issue is really quite disturbing.

But if people are only prepared to look at what is comfortable for them, what can you do? Depressing.

In my chassidishe community, we follow Jewish law. People who come to live and study and have a Jewish mother are accepted fully into the community. Others who have converted according to the law are likewise Jewish. Being Jewish is a legal status, not merely genetic. You either are born from a Jewish mother, convert to Judaism or are Gentile. Sorry, but I'm an attorney and law can be very straight forward, as in this case. I leave the psychological fallout of mixed marriage for the author.

You say converts are also considered Jewish;but are they viewed as equals or lessere Jews in your community?

Unfortunately the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. Again you are not addressing the actual concerns I outline. Neither did Miriam. I appreciate your religious definitions and of course you have a right to your beliefs. But your clear cut religious definitions do not address the real problems 'partly Jewish' people of patrilineal descent face in the real world, as I describe in both former posts. If you really believe it is right to cut them off from any access to support from the Jewish community and Israel, ( as the bill I mentioned in my previous post intends to) when they face prejudice directly as a result of their Jewish heritage, regardless of it being on the father's side, then I can't see how you sleep at night. Sorry to sound harsh, but if that is what you're really saying then that simply displays an unacceptable level of callousness and lack of humanity.

If you accept that you are not Jewish, be a proud gentile and learn about the seven laws of Noah to live by. Explain to people that you are not Jewish. If being Jewish calls to you, then convert and become Jewish. You suffer because you are in conflict. Stop listening to what your family taught you, you are not half or partly Jewish.

Just to reiterate the meaning of my last post in practical terms: this website is riddled with articles on growing antisemitism. Because it is a problem. If you think it is a problem reserved for people who are halachically Jewish only you are sadly deluded. People with patrilineal Jewish heritage are more likely to live in environments where noone is Jewish as the Jewish community rejects them. So they exist in environments where noone is Jewish but with Jewish sounding surnames as it is a patrilineal line. So even though they are not halachically Jewish they are identified as Jewish in the consciousness of the people they live with. Depending on the varying levels of antisemitism in the world at large that has the potential to present dramatic problems for people with Jewish heritage through the patrilineal line. Looking at a class photo of roughly 30 kids I happen to know very well, 2 of them would be deemed Jewish and accepted by the Orthodox community. 10 of them would be deemed Jewish enough to be worth taking a pop at by a neo Nazi. What would you say to the 8 children you have no interest in? Your straight forward law falls short. You are of course entitled to stand by it- but don't pretend that in quoting it you've answered the question. You've merely avoided it.

Patrilineal descent is a made up concept by the discredited Reform movement to bolster it's shriveling ranks and to be a feel good to men who have taken Gentile wives who have born non Jewish children. If it was my situation, I would either embrace my father's religion and convert, or accept my non Jewish reality and if my last name was Katz or Rosenberg, and it caused too much social confusion, I would change my last name to avoid it.

The only solution is to speak out against antisemitism. If it helps, making it clear that you yourself are not a Jew.

Excellently said!I agree 100%!!

Thank you. Greatly appreciated.

"Momma, when I grow up I want to be a Christian" said interfaith son Henan, 5 years old.
"Why?" asked my friend.
"Well, since there are more, I guess it's more profitable".

True story.

It is not easy to get your children off mainstream, unless you show them they are part of a "tribe". And proud to be, too. Since interfaith families are not especially religious, the child normally chooses the one he sees the parent is more serious about.

I am the child of a Jewish Jamaican mum and catholic white father I was raised with Torah, went to the Hebrew school , yet was raised to know the other side as well I saw beauty in both but felt at peace with my Jewishness , to this day I identify Jewish keep kosher and married Jewish, not all interfaith couples raise ignorant children, I was told it was my choice, so I had much opposition even from a RaBBI, WHO SAID "YOU ARE BLACK AND IRISH AND JEWISH YOU NEED TO CHOOSE WISEL YOUR LIFE MAY GET TOUGH, I GOT UP EXCUSED MYSELF, AND NEVER WENT BACK I never cared for color identity and I was born in 1960 after many tears and feeling rejected by the Rabbi I chose very wisely I know who I am and who my ancestors were, I am a very healthy happy woman married to a Jewish man, raising our children Jewish and color was never an issue nor did it hold me back as I was told it would, I am a successful psychologist , my husband, an doctor, our children come from a rich background and have been to the places from where my parents were born, it is so easy to assume, perhaps there are more well adjusted Jewish people out here just like me than the Author knows, something to think about eh?

All these problems of intermarriage are the sole preserve of the USA. The most secular JEW in Israel marries another JEW because everyone here is Jewish. If you choose to live in exile you are condemning your grandchildren to life as gentiles - about time people smartened up and came back to their homeland.

The children of intermarried Jews are Jews. (we'll assume here we're talking about moms who are Jewish) They exist. We cannot just say "Hey, your parents shouldn't have ever married!" to solve the problem of Jews raised in mixed religion families choosing to be active in no religion or choosing to be another religion.

Rudeness like this is likely why my sister no longer sees herself as a Jew. She and her children have formally converted to another faith. When she approached the Jewish community when her oldest was little, she was rebuffed because she doesn't "look Jewish" and had kids out of wedlock.

On the other hand, when I met with the local Jewish community, pregnant with my first child and intermarried (I was also unemployed) I was offered emotional support and friendship. My children have both been raised Jewish. My son, no 18, isn't much for attending services, though if we know we're likely to have trouble making a minyan he'll come, but he's stood up against anti-semites at school and on his video-game system as proudly being Jewish. He's also working his way through Rashi's commentary on Torah despite only having had a once or twice weekly Jewish education (outside of what we did at home)

As a child of generations of intermarriage on both sides, I was raised in a highly secular environment with a family that seldom celebrated any holiday. That said, I have always been drawn to Judaism, and have studied it quite extensively. Unfortunately, the Jewish community in my City does not seem to be very accepting of people with different looks/backgrounds, and I have found the greatest barrier to living a fully Jewish life has been the constant questions about why don't I look Jewish, my family's tradition of intermarriage and whether I am 'Jewish enough' to be invited to __(insert event name here)__. It's exhausting, frustrating and beyond irritating to have to explain yourself and your family repeatedly (The worst was when someone asked me why my maternal grandmother married a non-Jew 70 years before I was born. Answer: I have NO idea. Maybe she liked him? Needless to say, this did not go over well) . Ironically, I have never been made to feel this bad about my family and upbringing at any Christian church. Ultimately, I've stopped trying to belong. I truly feel that intermarriage is a reality. Nothing anyone can do is going to stop it, change it, or make the products of it magically go away. Perhaps it would be perceived as less of a negative if Jewish communities made more of an effort to welcome people of different backgrounds, and be more accepting of differences.

I was the 'other' faith in an interfaith marriage. Although my wife was not raised observant. I tried to teach my sons 'both' sides. As they got older they got wiser and so did I. All of my studying and doing my best to educate them on Judaism taught me that it more clearly aligned with my own true beliefs. I made the decision to Convert to Judaism as much for myself as it was so that I could be a better Jewish Father and Role Model for my kids. I must be doing a good job because both of them have no intention of marrying outside of their faith and we are very active members in our Synagogue. And I thank G-d that I made the commitment early on to educate both them and myself. I was 14 years into my marriage and completed my conversion prior to my eldest son's Bar Mitzvah. I think it was the best present I could possibly have given him.

What a wonderful man and father you are, Ted. B'H

If it is true, children actually do learn more from what they see in practice than what they are told, then the message the Katz Miller kids are getting is that religious observances are merely formalities having nothing much to do with spirituality or a commitment to any belief. That is a very [*sigh*] sad message indeed,.

As Jewish communities, we ought to do a better job a welcoming the children of intermarried couples. Often children of mixed couples, even when they embraced Judaism, are discriminated against. For some, it seems that they are just not Jewish enough. It is incomprehensible me that members of a community that have been systematically discriminated against, persecuted and murdered for no other reason than being Jewish would have the illusion that been Jewish of East-European descent gives them the ownership of Judaism and the right to decide who is part or not of the Jewish community.

Your parents play an important role in building your Jewish identity. But it also takes being part of a larger and supportive community to foster a sense of belonging to something that transcends one's yourself - I do believe that it takes a community to educate a child - the Jewish diaspora ought to appreciate the blessing it is and the privilege of having children from diverse backgrounds. These children will further enrich our Jewish heritage (and genetic pool) - we have the obligation to welcome children of intermarried couples regardless of how we feel about intermarriage. It is not about the parents, it is about the children, it is about what kind of community we want to be. I hope a welcoming and kind one.

My mother was Jewish. She also was divorced. My grandparents sent me to Catholic school. My mother secretly taught me about Judaism. However, to this day as an older adult, I feel like a stranger in a strange land. My heart is Jewish, but I don't know how to really be Jewish.

If your mother was a Jew when you were born, and your "heart feels Jewish," you are already 99% there.
But if you want something simple, learn to light a candle on Friday night, and learn the prayer for it. If you feel like going further, take it from there.

If your mother was Jewish, you are already Jewish. Give yourself the gift of your spiritual heritage and find a way to learn Torah with someone. Explore different Torah-true (Orthodox) paths until you find the one that makes your soul sing. Try Aish, Chabad, Breslov, and others. Don't give up. You have one life, one soul--make the most of it.

I was brought up in a family you could name secular to the point of non-religious at all. Despite the overall family weakness, to be too occupied with material things I had an inclination always towards the spiritual. Although my father being Jewish and my mother Christian didn’t make any confusion in domestic living. First in my early adolescence – or late childhood – I learned of my Jewish heritage, mostly from an adored family member (my grandmother’s sister). She maintained her Jewish heritage, and through her I felt a Jewish soul inside myself.
I studied Jewish history and the ordeal of the Jewish People in the Holocaust, and in my early twenties I went to Israel to work in a kibbutz and study Hebrew in an Ulpan. – In 1967, I went to the liberated Kotel in East Jerusalem and got laid tefillin by an orthodox Rabbi. Before the most holy place in Judaism, the Wall, and accompanied by the Rabbi, I uttered the words: “ani Yehudi-hineni” three times.
Since then I have felt myself a Jew. No one can deny me my “birthright” being it orthodox or conservative. It’s a third way of “conversion” what I’ll rather call Initial Reversion. Take it or leave it, it’s my way!

We have been married 63 years may I give a few more tips.

Never criticize your spouse's family even if they criticize them themselves.

Give your spouse a bit of privacy. I have never nor has my wife ever opened the others mail. I have never looked through her handbag. If she has something I need I always ask her for it.

You are two against the world listen to advice from everybody and never argue about it and do what you like.

Don’t let children divide you its you two against the world

Don’t let parents divide you say yes and do what you wish.

Susan Katz Miller's article was so very disturbing on so many levels. Sara Debbie responds so well to it, and her article is a phenomenal declaration of commitment to Torah Judaism!

Good point

As an adult who came from an interfaith marriage/childhood, I can tell you it was horrible. I was expected to hide my Jewishness for one parent and act like I was positively responsive to/ for the other parent. It was extremely stressful- abusive really.
As a result (which turned out to be good) i went toward the religion that I was withheld from- Judaism.
I learned to go to the one that I was told I must repress. Today, I am a frum Jew, married and enjoy being able to celebrate my Judaism in public without fear.

I agree whole heartedly with the "Partly Jewish" article. I have witnessed first hand the fact that " most children raised in interfaith families do lack the tools and knowledge to make informed choices " as stated in the article by Sara D. Gutfreund.

I commend the author on appreciating the rigors of Jewish learning. However, this position leaves out too many other approaches to being Jewish. My mom is Jewish and my dad was Christian and African-American. I grew up Jewish and very much appreciate that birthright. I think it is important to recognize a wider range of Jewish practice and the spirit of the New York Times article recognizes this reality. I would like to agree to disagree. My first post did not make it here earlier today; I hope it will now. Todah Robah

Actually, most of the "surface" Jews I know were born into it. That is not to disparage them in any way. They are happily Reform, to the extreme end. Of my friends and family, the more religious of us are all the product of at least one mixed marriage. Intermarriage is actually a good thing, in my opinion. It means that young people are open minded enough to consider a partner who is similar in values, but not ethnicity. I assume ethnicity is what you mean, since the ultra-reform daughter of my Mom's friend married another ultra-reform Jewish guy, and they celebrate Hanukkah. Perhaps a seder, if they're in town. That's it. But I'm sure everyone was pleased that they did not "intermarry". On the other hand, the children of my Mother-in-law, a convert, are all Torah observant Jews married to Torah-observant Jews, (two converts, one born into the religion.) Many "mixed" marriages end up being wholly Jewish, and if you don't mind my saying so, I think looking down on those young people eager to marry a Jewish spouse is very closed minded.

My father is Jewish and my mom is Christian. We were brought up with my mom's faith, but still observed Jewish holidays. As I got older, I examined their two religions side by side and saw the EMET in Judaism. Christianity is full of holes. the Christian bible is filled with second hand accounts, and has been translated from the original language several times. I converted to Judaism as an adult and lead an orthodox lifestyle. I love my life. I understand that parents feel like they are doing their children a wonderful thing by displaying both sides of the coin, and in my case I was able to choose. But as a Jew it is difficult for me to understand why anyone who treasures being Jewish would start a family with someone who is not. As s Jew who did not come from a Jewish mother, I can say there cannot be such a thing as partly jewish. One can refer to themselves as having Jewish heritage. To all those out there with a Jewish father, who feel connected to Judaism, explore your feelings. You may have a Jewish soul waiting to be set free!,

I have a jewish father and supposed to be non jewish mother. I never liked xtianity at public school, we certainly never practiced it at home more than a xmas tree. For me after aquiring jewish books as a young teenager, I was in awe of juidaism. And went to learn in yeshiva as soon as I could.
I found the level of acceptance to be a rather bad joke though. But I put up with it for 15 years. I was continuously slandered for being a inferior 'ger' and just the word has made me shudder for years. I still think juidaism is wonderfull, but no doubt to me the biggest enemies we have our ourselves, wether it be self hating jews, or the closed off society of the orthodox who shun everything non jewish, and hate non jews who would like to draw close to the service of Hashem. Its all very nice having beautifull Chassidus, but if you don't follow what it says in the Chumash, something is very wrong!

Did you convert orthodox?If you did and you have a Jewish father,it's strange you were looked down so awfully.

I am surprised because I am orthodox and live in a Jewish community. A lady who converted used to live here and she was so sweet and everyone in the community loved her. Being a convert made her even more special and closer to Hashem.

It took awhile, but when it came down to it, once I was around other Jews more, I decided I wanted to be fully Jewish. It required a mikveh and some classes. The thing I wish I had had was a Jewish education as a child.

The author makes it sound as if we, the Jews of the world, should toss the Jews of mixed marriages aside. Is that what is best for the future of Jews? So many comments on other articles make me feel that as a "reform" Jew, I am nothing. I might as well be a christian. I digress. The author was lucky to go to an Ivy League school. I was not. As the youngest of three children, I went to a Public school with little Jewish population. I did not date non- Jews and married Jewish. An Ivy League education was not available to me because of the cost. Anyway, we as a group need to welcome Jewish children into the fold, not shun them because of the parentage.

With respect, I think you are misinterpreting Ms. Gutfreund's words. Far from shunning these "part Jews", she wishes to draw them closer and argues that a deeper understanding of Judaism, such as can be obtained from a good Jewish education, will help. If I understand her argument correctly, she recommends a strong Jewish education for the children even if the marriage is "mixed."

I don't think using schooling and school expectations as a comparison was a good idea. Someone who chooses the get a high school education and isn't interested in college, let alone an ivy league degree, despite his parent's encouragement, is not in any way comparable to someone who decides to opt out of practicing Judaism. Apples & oranges. No comparison. The parent who says ivy league is good, but state college is also fine, and no college at all is fine, is totally different than a parent who says Judaism is nice and it's ours, but you can choose to be catholic, moslem, or buddhist if you'd rather.

I grew up never knowing I was Jewish or anyone in my family tree was, due to WW2. I live in the US and my grandfather is Jewish and grandma has some jewish in here some where in tree. I saw the both attend different churches. I dont even know much about Judaism exept some major holidays and feasts. We did a half like passover meal around Easter. We did a semi Hanukkah before Christmas. We ate some of the foods but were never told why or anything much about Jewish history. Yes i knew of Ester, I knew of the Macabees but very little of anything else, except what the King James Bible told me. I love Jewish music and Hebrew language when I hear it. How does one who has Jewish roots find out who they are? Because clearly, it was never taught to me correctly or informatively and unfortunately I could only teach my children what i knew from books. How can i teach my grandchildren who they are? I want so much more and am finding so little. Where does one look? Why make judgment calls like in this article instead of giving those of us in the USA some resources to help us find our way. WW2 took so much away from all Jews, including those in USA where folks went into hiding due to fear. I would have given anything to just have a real partial Jewish upbringing and to go to synagogue with my grandfather to learn my inheritance.

Gigi, you have the desire, so now here's some of your answers. Aish is wonderful to find guidance. Look up Charlie Harary's videos, and start there. Find a conservative synagogue in your area...or online. Ask questions! "She who does not ask does not get answers". The more you know, the better decisions you will make...and the education you get will be priceless. Online resources are mostly free, and you will come to find your place in Judaism. Hashem bless you!

I think many children of mixed marriages feel pressure - whether real or not, conscious or not - to choose Mom's religion or choose Dad's religion (as opposed to choosing between Judaism and Christianity) and consequently choose no religion. If we as parents aren't strong enough to make a decision one way or the other, why would we think our children will be with the additional overlay of parental love and acceptance?

Our son, our only child is the result of a very mixed marriage. My husband is Jewish, and I am a black Catholic. Our son has never had to choose between his father and I or between Judaism and Christianity. He has attended shul with his father since he was 5 (when a kollel opened in our neighborhood). I have done all that I could to promote my son becoming Jewish. We would have sent him to Jewish education but in our area you must be Jewish to attend. He has attended Catholic school with the firm understanding that he is a Jewish child. He wears his kippah (that I knit for him) to school. He is wearing a dog tag around his neck with the Shema to his all boy Catholic high school. He is going to convert to Judaism at 18. He is now 16. His letters of recommendation from religious leaders for entry into this school was written by two wonderful Rabbis. His graduation gift will be a trip to Israel.

My son has watched his father and I respect our differ forms of interacting with HaShem. My son knows I am not Jewish, but we keep a very Jewish home, including me covering my hair all of the time.

Whenever I have been asked a Christianity question by my son, I always made sure he knows the difference. No Christmas trees, Easter bunny or anything like that in our house. Instead its latkes, the Macabeats, chocolate covered matzoth, and challah bread! I would not have it any other way. I am not Jewish, but my son is and will be a member of Jewish people and I am very proud. I want him to marry Jewish, but I hope I am not looked down on because I am not Jewish. We shall see.

With a national intermarriage rate over 50% (75% where I live), we can hardly afford to wait and see whether our children will commit themselves to Judaism. We need to be far more proactive than that--Jewish day school is 1 important option. Jewish camping is another.
A study I was shown at least 25 years ago showed that children who were raised in 2 religions so they could choose as adults in actuality chose no religion. Not wanting to hurt either parent by choosing the other parent's religion, they opted out of religion altogether. Several years ago, the reform movement asked their intermarried families to choose only one religion to define their family belief system. To paraphrase Dr. Laura Schlesinger, of radio fame, you can't tell a child to believe in Jesus and then not to believe in Jesus. Celebrating holidays doesn't always get down to the basic belief system of that religion. The statistics show that the number of children raised in 2 faiths who ultimately choose to live as Jews is miniscule. While the case-by-case testimonies are heart-warming, they are not the norm. Sara Debbie's thesis that immersion in a belief system is key is right on the money. It's a matter of survival!

You had a father who graduated from Wharton School of business.
I barely graduated high school. But my wife and I raised three children we are proud of and we hope to have a Jewish grandchild in a house that has only one Jewish parent.


Pat your self on the back and lecture all of us who have failed to live up to your standards.

You are so compassionate I am lost for words.

Your argument is simplistic. One can study different religions...one can observe different traditions and learn different histories with great depth. Having taught very bright children brought up in interfaith families in a middle class neighborhood, I found them very well adjusted and very clear about their humanistic ideals. Your warning bells are self serving and reflect your own fears.. Some who are brought up with strong religion turn away, others brought up with no religion become orthodox because of their own needs.....Why make simplistic something so much more complex.

Debbie,

I read Mrs. Miller's article in the NYTimes and she writes she was raised by an Episcopal mother. She isn't even Jewish! Her kids will really be confused!

I agree, some good points were made. HOWEVER....My Jewish grandmother escaped the holocaust, immigrated through Ellis Island and denied being jewish out of fear. She never told anyone, married a non jew, had 6 kids and never told them either. She did however cook jewish foods sometimes and had a menorah. My mother (also jewish by birthright) never knew she was jewish so raised her 4 children with Christmas trees and catholicism. She never knew she was jewish. My grandmother told me everything when I was a preteen. So I take issue as it seems you are taking issue with the way we were raised. Given the circumstances what choice was there? Given the confusion that became me..I raised my sons with a belief in God, but forced no religion on them, taught them right from wrong, but forced no belief. However, my children were made aware of Jewish law, in that if your mother is jewish you are jewish and so at least by blood, myself, my siblings and all of our children are Jewish.

Neither the author of the Times article, nor anyone in her family, is Jewish according to Jewish Law.

The reality is whether you are party of Jewish heritage (say a Jewish father and a gentile mother) or fully Jewish, most American Jews are in danger of disappearing. I'm not happy in saying this but right now it seems that the religiously observant orthodox are the only Jews in America who are flourishing. Basically, to live this way - one has to agree to live in a very expensive orthodox counter culture for life and most American Jews, whether their considered to be "fully Jewish" or not don't really believe in all the tenets of orthodox Judaism and are not willing to live in a religious counter culture. So, it looks like most Jews, whether well intentioned or not, cannot endure against a super modern, hyper mobile and integrated American society past a few generations. Most Jewish families here started falling apart somewhere in the 1970's or 80's by intermarrying. Thirty or forty year later, their children are rapidly intermarrying as well. It seems very harsh to say but it looks like there are now two options left that seem to "work" - either living in a orthodox counter culture or immigrating to Israel.

I married a man that was raised Catholic. We celebrated holidays from both religions and the children were taught Torah. We kept Kosher as well as we could in a home with the father not Jewish. My children folowed Jewish ways when they were young. As teens, they seemed to become confused and one of them even angry, decideing that she didn't care what the truth was. She stopped going to synagouge, stopped reading and studying. There are consequences to interfaith marriages. I wish I had known how much before I married.

I read the piece in the times with alarm and if I could have formulated a rebuttal as cogent as this one I would have sent it to them as well. Please forward to the NYT.....

In Torah Israel gets in trouble time and again for doing as the nations do till we were finally kicked out of the Promised land. In this politically correct society we live in 'all is well that ends well'. That is not what we are called out to be; we are called to be in the uncomfortable position of being a set apart people. We are not to celebrate pagan practices such as xmas, isktar, etc. Most Jews today don't even study the Torah, let along the Tanach which is why we are compromising so much. Nothing is new under the sun...

It is admirable when a child chooses to be Jewish in an interfaith family; but it is so difficult. Think of all the Jewish families where both parents were Jewish and the grandparents were somewhat Orthodox or completely Orthodox in America. Many of these children marry out of faith with no guilt.

Kol beseder While I admire and appreciate the life chances you have had, not everyone is as privileged. I have to say that I am Jewish and African-American. My Mom is Jewish and Dad was African-American. I am a professor in communication. I have to say that your point of view sounds very insular and does not recognize the need for additional tactics and strategies for the 99% of Jewish multiracial and interfaith children who do not live as you have. Great that you were able to live this path but most are not and hence the Pew results which do not quite reveal a broader range of Jewish experience either. We are raising our daughter Jewish although her her Mom is Filipina (raised in the US). I am impressed by your education and life chances and at the same time, your story is far from representative and reminds me of those times I felt marginalized by some Jewish folks in shul because I did not fit a notion of what being Jewish in America has looked like. I say that we need more inclusive outlooks than what you offer here. Many Jewish kids I know do not or cannot afford Jewish day school, so what next, what suggestions do you offer as an alternative other than upholding a standard steeped in a 1950's American ethnic aesthetic?

Your article needs to be published in the New York Times as a rebuttal to the other article. There are so many confused, but well meaning people out there who need to be made aware of the fallacy of the "Chanukah Bush".

I doubt the liberal newspaper will print it as an article, but maybe they will print it as a letter. PLEASE try to somehow get it printed in as many secular papers and magazines as possible, If you save even one neshama it will have been worth all your effort.

And most support politicians and ideologies that are not in the best interest of Israel? There are some even in the current administration who is openly against Israel even they denied it. In the mean time they open relations with Iran. Where is the Jewish outcry?

The author makes some excellent points, and I sympathize in many ways; but there's just a tinge of self-righteousness in the article. I have a couple of areas of disagreement: First, parents act in what they believe is the best interest of their children, based on their own experiences. It's charitable to "judge" on that basis--if we have the right to judge at all--rather than to see only through the lens of our own background . Those parents would well have chosen to give their children only non-Jewish experiences, in which case the children would be altogether lost to Judaism. By exposing them to Jewish practice at whatever level, the parents are saying that Judaism is a valid life style. Second, many of us who were actually born into Judaism had less exposure to Jewish practice than the chiildren in "blended" families. For instance, I knew I was Jewish growing up but didn't have more than a superficial exposure to things Jewish. I could very easily have married a non-Jew, losing my childdren to christianity. Yet, I chose otherwise, learning as I went along. Today I am active in my (Masorti) Jewish community, maintain a kosher home, and am among the mroe observant people in my chevre. This isn't a boast--I could certainly do better--but it is to say that choice doesn't depend entirely on whehther or not your parents lit Shabbat candles and sent you to Jewish day schools. Traditionalist Jews would do well to look charitably on those who are less traditional, and to be welcoming, teaching by example rather than assuming that those outside the "fold" have little likelihood of being committed, practicing Jews. It simply is not true.

Indeed there is great inaccuracy in your comments. Families committed to halacha - not the invented American brand but the genuine Torah law - raise children that almost universally marry and perpetuate Jewish law. Each step away from Torah including laxity in lighting the Shabbos lights, is another step toward children who will forget Torah.

I so agree with you. One does not have to have a rigorous Jewish discipline in order to succeed at whatever they want,including their faith or partner.Be the change you want the world to be,paraphrased from Ghandi

shalom, thanks to you. teach the rest what you know so that all have knowledge. Hear O;Israel *lots of love*david

I have already subscribed. Thank. you;

I come from a 'blended religious' family. My father was the Cantor in the Synagogue and my mother was Protestant. My cousins were Catholic and other religions. I went to vacation bible school with friends, and attended services with my dad. I consider myself Jewish. That's what I believe in. I went to Catholic school in Middle school and know that religion too. I think knowing and having the freedom to choose what you want to believe is the greatest gift one can give. My children have been given the choice as well and they too identify themselves as Jews. They appreciate, just as I did, to have the knowledge to allow us to choose which path to follow.

If your mother wasn't Jewish and you never converted, both you and your children will have to convert to truly be Jewish, according to Jewish law. Best of luck!

Lynda you cannot chose because neither you nor your children are Jews. If you wish you and your children can through education and then mikvah become a Jew. Until then you only fool yourself. Yes you have a choice, but you have not yet made it.

Hello from Telzstone! What a great response Debbie! Did you send this on to New York Times? If not, you should. I still can't get over how often this "who is a Jew" concept gets botched.

Many people go to college and becemoutstanding intheir field when their parents did not give them an upper-class priveliged education and lifestyle. Your parents are commendable and I mean no disrespect. Nurture over nature is exhibited in areas of culture, religion and education. How much sweeter is it when we hear of those who excell even against all odds, like statesmen and stateswomen who reached the Ivy when an impoverished background and/or prejudice against heir race or religion kept telling them they were inherently worthless. Praises to the teachers of Jewish education, passing down tradition and learning. Many of these teachers are from Jewish-only backgrounds. Others have chosen their father's Judaism against great adversity from the Jewish community, while also speaking for the same rejecting Jewish community. Out of love and respect. So, you never know. So yes I agree give your children strong values. But don't fret that others are not doing the same.

Actually, the choice the writer was given in terms of school was "Do what WE want you to do or disappoint us greatly." I've seen it happen too many times when my peers were pushed and pushed, and although they went to the best schools, they were unhappy or had mental breakdowns or in spite of their achievements, never felt good about themselves.

If you really want someone to make an informed choice, you need to present the benefits and pitfalls. I was raised without a Jewish education, but because my parents made being Jewish most appealing, I nevet once thought to date or marry outside. (Ironically, my mom was so desperate for me to get married, she encouraged me to go out with whoever asked me. I resisted.).
Today, I'm studying Torah of my own volition and am enjoying it. (Hebrew school can also make or break how a child feels about being Jewish.)

The problem is that being Jewish is seen as "undesireable." It's harder. The rules seem "silly" and restrictive to the majority population....that is, unless it is imbued with meaning and appeal. Why else did Chanukah become a competitor to Christmas? The fear was that Christmas with its decorations, foods, and opulent gifts was too appealling.

My sister "married out" on her second marriage. Her children are being raised Jewish, but they engage in their father's holidays as well. My sister is enthusiastic about the holidays and being Jewish. Their dad is indifferent, even to his own religion. Because she presents being Jewish as a plus, I think there's a better chance of them identifying as Jewish with a desire to remain so.

Just upfront let me state that I accept the halakha's definition of "Who is a Jew" as someone who is born to a halakhically Jewish mother or who undergoes conversion to Judaism according to halakha). I am an observant Jew myself, and to me a minyan consists of 10 Jewish men who meet these criteria. BUT...as I see it, there is more to "Jewishness" than who is a Jew according to halakha, and too many Orthodox Jews see only that narrow definition. Being a Jew is being part of a nation, sharing a culture and a heritage. There are people whose mothers are not Jewish but whose fathers are who share in this legacy and who feel a connection to the Jewish people. I am not saying, "OK, count them as full Jews" (like the Reform do) for religious purposes, but I can't see them as non-Jews either. I see no advantage in alienating these people by telling them they are not part of the Jewish people. They are still our family and part of our nation, our enemies see them as Jews, but they can't fully participate in all our rituals and holidays absent a halakhic conversion.

I too read the op-ed in the Times. The underlying problem that Ms. Gutfreund sites is magnified if you actually know anything about both religions. Do you believe that the Messiah has come or is coming? How do you characterize the "One God" in the Shema if you also are brought up believing in the Trinity? How do you characterize and define the concepts of grace, mystery, miracles and faith itself? I was brought up "nothing in particular" although I am halakhically Jewish. We celebrated Christmas (a tree and gifts under it but not the birth of Jesus) and Passover (done in breakneck speed only in Hebrew so I just knew you really had to wait a long time for dinner, which for some reason didn't have bread). As I got older, everything became more confusing. While we may not be a Christian country due to our freedom of religion, we are a predominantly Christian culture and those values, beliefs and holidays permeate the culture. To Ms Gutfruend's point, you have to be taught Judaism. I had to learn as an adult. I have shocked Christians, very well meaning, and Jews, very ignorant and often just as well meaning if confused, when I explain the Jewish beliefs or positions on all of the above to say nothing of sin, the afterlife, etc. Without instruction, you know the majority beliefs, which in our culture are not often the Jewish beliefs.

This article is a sort of anti-venom that effectively neutralizes the poisonous position expressed in the NYT piece, a position that is shared by too many people (just read the comments to the piece). Yasher koach.

There I lay in the intensive care in the hospital
A comatose Jew….
I was alive but according to Wikipedia’s definitions I was in a state of unconsciousness, could not be awakened, and failing to respond to many types of stimuli, also likely lacking a normal sleep-wake cycle.

I was unconscious of the wealth of my Jewish heritage- trolling along in the market stalls of many religions, picking and selecting whatever suited me at the time. But sad to say I was not alone.

There was a ward, filled with the coma victims- interfaith folks, explorers who left the path, the jaded and the faded.

But even though I had the ‘disease’- Hashem, had the cure.
For me, it came in the form of a Jew who ‘walked the talk’, and who made Jewish teachings a very real thing, in a very real world.

Don’t be fooled, the Pied Piper is still out there- but I know I have something much better and I will
Stay Strong…..

My children's father was the product of a Catholic mother and a Jewish father. My children celebrated Jewish holidays and their father was an involved participant. We also acknowledged Christmas but not in a religious way - in a "santa claus" way. They always were very aware that they were Jewish, both had Bar Mitzvah. The older son is now a Lubavitch Chasid, the younger isn't religious but makes all his Jewish grandma's holiday recipes. One never knows how one's children will turn out - mine are great! And I have 4 Jewish grandsons as a bonus.

Now imagine if your husband was continually told by others that he "wasn't really Jewish" and shunned? What if he was pushed away from Judaism by that? I wish people could see that sometimes life surprises you!

Well stated. Sacrifice is necessary to reach the goal. Our son is in a Jewish Day School now (7th grade), however we are not agreed on where he will study for high school. I'd like a private Jewish education, but the expense is frightening for my husband. There is also a difference in faith in our home and the complications are challenging to say the least. I pray for G-d's assistance in making a way for our son to have an excellent Jewish education, spiritually and academically. My father is Jewish and I do not know for certain about my mother, possibly Native American - I pray for the missing piece to be found. Our children are adopted and I am in the process of a Conservative conversion although I attend Chabad and love Orthodox Judaism. We've been married for almost 25 years and have raised three precious children together. From my vantage point, the crisis experienced by the Jewish people as many embrace assimilation, is tragic and avoidable. A nurtured, firm love of Torah and a strong Jewish education should be joyfully granted to our children. The future can be altered.

I totally agree with comment #1. You stated the plain truth and you said it in a clear and compassionate way.
"I am not 'partly' any of these identities, and I am not 'partly' Jewish either." Touche. That's exactly how I feel, too.
Thanks for setting things straight.

Thanks for just tellin' it like it is. It's so refreshing to just hear the plain truth.