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Caterer? Photographer? What is the essence of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah? Here are the seven key points you need to know.
(1) Bar Mitzvah Basics
First, let's understand what the words "Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah" actually mean. The phrase translates as "son (daughter) of commandment" – i.e. the young person becomes responsible to observe the commandments (mitzvot) of the Torah.
The purpose of the commandments are to keep our lives focused on what's truly important: family, community, and a relationship with God.
Although we commonly refer to "having" a Bar Mitzvah, technically speaking, this is impossible. The term "Bar Mitzvah" refers to a status, in the same way that being a student or parent is a status.
A Jewish boy automatically becomes Bar Mitzvah when he turns 13 years old, and a girl at age 12. (In general, girls tend to mature earlier than boys.)
On a deeper level, just as their bodies are growing and changing, so too their souls are growing and changing. Kabbalistic tradition says that a person's spiritual being has several levels of soul. A new level of soul (called neshama) comes into awareness at Bar/Bat Mitzvah time. This is the time when moral awareness and sensitivity fully develops, enabling young people to take responsibility for their actions.
One's actions after reaching this stage of life are considered more significant for another reason: The Talmud explains that a mitzvah performed because one is commanded, is considered greater than a mitzvah performed voluntarily. This is because a person has a natural aversion to fulfilling an obligation. Overcoming this aversion is a sign of maturity, and this is what the Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebrates – reaching the stage of obligation.
(2) Synagogue Event
On Shabbat (and various other days), the Torah – a scroll containing the Five Books of Moses – is read publicly. The Torah is divided into 54 portions, following an annual cycle, with one portion read each week in the synagogue.
The weekly portion is further sub-divided into seven sections. At Shabbat morning services, people are called up and honored with saying the special blessings before and after the reading of each section.
The Torah is removed from the holy ark, and then carried to the bima, the raised platform from where the Torah is read. While the Torah is being carried, everyone stands out of respect.
Colloquially speaking, when people say, "I had a Bar Mitzvah," it means that they had an aliyah to the Torah in synagogue. "Aliyah" means to "go up" to the bima.
The Torah scroll is meticulously written by hand by a God-fearing scribe. A number of rules ensure that the Torah is written with perfect accuracy, thus maintaining the unbroken chain of tradition back to Mount Sinai.
On the Shabbat following his 13th birthday, the young man is called up to the Torah. This calculation follows the Jewish calendar. At the conclusion of his final blessing, some synagogues have the custom to good-naturedly pelt the young man with candies.
At this point it is customary for the father to recite the following blessing:
Following this, the bar mitzvah boy reads a portion from the biblical prophets, called the Haftorah. During a period of persecution 2,000 years ago, Jews were forbidden from reading the Torah, so they instituted a reading from the prophets that corresponds to the theme of that week's Torah portion. The Haftorah is read with a unique traditional melody.
Following services, the congregation usually joins in a Kiddush, a small lunch that begins with a blessing over wine.
(3) The Reception
One popular feature of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration is a reception. This should ideally be held on the day which the young man/woman becomes 13/12 years old. If necessary, the celebration may be postponed somewhat.
There are different practices regarding what is done at a Bar Mitzvah celebration. It is proper for the young person to relate some Torah thoughts at the celebration – i.e. the famous Bar Mitzvah speech. The speech usually contains ideas from the weekly Torah portion, and emphasizes the young person's commitment to Jewish values.
And what about that Titanic-themed party with Hollywood-style special effects? It's important that the festivities should not become so ostentatious that the spiritual significance becomes secondary. The new adult should appreciate that this is a celebration of maturity and responsibility, a message which will carry through for the rest of their life.
(4) The Gift
Now what about the ubiquitous Bar Mitzvah gift? In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod.
Those are just fine but there are much more meaningful gifts for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)
With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution – in your home town or in Israel (every Jews' "home town"). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.
The next obvious gift is a Jewish book. There are many hundreds of titles to choose from, so I've narrowed it down to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah Top 10. Just click on the title to order:
• Stone Chumash (published by ArtScroll), an excellent translation of the Five Books of Moses with running commentary on every page
• Book of our Heritage by Rabbi Eliyahu Kitov (Feldheim), a beautiful overview of the Jewish holidays
• The Bar Mitzvah Treasury, an illustrated collection of customs and inspiring stories (by Rabbi Yonah Weinrib and Rabbi Yaakov Salomon; ArtScroll)
• The Thinking Teenagers Guide to Life by Rabbi Akiva Tatz (Targum), gripping essays on forging a path through life
• Sand and Stars by Yaffa Ganz (ArtScroll), a two-volume book about Jewish history, written especially for teenagers
• Shmooze by Rabbi Nechemia Coopersmith, a fun book that provokes thoughtful discussions on essential Jewish issues
• The Long Road to Freedom, by Avner Gold, an exciting historical novel filled with intrigue and insight into Jewish life.
• Bible for the Clueless But Curious by Rabbi Nachum Braverman (Leviathan), packed with wisdom on relationships, spirituality and more
• Candles in my Window by Beth Firestone, a delightful fiction book about a young girl discovering her Judaism
• Triumph – Aish.com's popular book of inspiring true stories of challenge and spiritual growth.
If all else fails, you can always give money. It is a nice idea to give $18 (or some multiple thereof), since the numerical value of 18 in Hebrew is "Chai," which means "Life."
(5) Tefillin
Upon reaching age 13, a boy begins the obligation to put on tefillin every day (except Shabbat and holidays).
Tefillin are two square, black leather boxes, which contain parchments of Torah verses. Attached to each box are black leather straps. One of the boxes is worn on the bicep, and the other is worn on the front of the head.
The two boxes represent the two ways that we serve God in this world: thought (the head) and action (the arm). The arm-tefillin contains one parchment in one compartment, whereas the head-tefillin is four parchments, each in its own separate compartment. This is to signify that in service of God, the two powers must work congruently: We use the totality of our mind to gain the full perspective, and then we act with a singular clarity of purpose.
Inside each tefillin box are parchments containing four Torah sections, which speak about God's unity, the obligation to observe the commandments, and the responsibility to transmit Judaism to our descendants.
If you're really feeling generous, Tefillin is a wonderful gift for a Bar Mitzvah boy. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here or here.
(6) The First Bar Mitzvah
Now here's a Jewish trivia question: Who was the first person to have a Bar Mitzvah?
We could actually suggest three answers:
1) Abraham – The first person to begin observing some of the mitzvot was "the first Jew," Abraham. However, he was older than age 13 when he started, so...
2) Isaac was the first person who was "Jewish" upon reaching age 13. The Torah writes, "And Abraham made a great party on the day" (Genesis 21:8), which the Midrash explains was a celebration for Isaac becoming Bar Mitzvah.
3) Mount Sinai – Only when the Torah was given at Mount Sinai did Jews became truly obligated to observe the mitzvot. Therefore, the Sinai experience was actually a mass Bar/Bat Mitzvah of the entire Jewish people.
(7) What's Next?
Some have the misconception that Jewish practice is confined to the synagogue, or to an occasional holiday celebration at home. The truth is that Torah and mitzvot punctuate every moment of our lives: setting standards for business ethics, proper speech, honoring parents, what we eat, and even how to care for pets!
We refer to these laws as Torat Chaim, literally "instructions for living." Torah is the ultimate "owner's manual" for maximizing our pleasure and potential in life.
Torah is a basis for life's most important questions: How can I live a meaningful life? How can I build successful relationships, deal honestly in business, and fulfill my personal potential? How can I really make a difference in the world?
Torah study emphasizes building a rational basis of belief, to engage one's mind, stimulate the intellect through questioning and debate, and thereby nourish the soul. It does not endorse a leap of faith, all-or-nothing decisions, or disengagement from the world.
The goal of any Jew is not only to study the Torah, but to become a "living Torah," who embodies the lofty ideals of "love your neighbor," "peace on earth," "justice for all," "universal education," "all men are created equal," "dignity of the individual," and "the preciousness of life." These concepts all originate from the Torah, and these have defined the moral makeup of humanity.
In Jewish life, a Bar/Bat Mitzvah does not represent the culmination of one's Jewish education, but rather a stepping-stone to a more mature and profound relationship with Jewish learning.
This is illustrated by the following idea: If even one letter is missing from a Torah scroll, it is rendered invalid. According to tradition, each Jew corresponds to one letter in the Torah. This teaches that each and every one of us has an integral role to play in the future of the Jewish people.
Bar/Bat Mitzvah means to become educated, and to strengthen one's Jewish pride through knowledge and understanding. It means to grow Jewishly, one step at a time. It means standing up for Israel and respecting every Jew. It means taking responsibility for the world, using the Torah as our guide, because that is the mission of the Jewish people. And most of all, it means to love being Jewish.
Success in achieving these goals is what we wish for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and the beginning of that journey is what we celebrate on this joyous occasion.
Mazel tov!
Articles on Aish.com:
• My Son's Bar Mitzvah by Emuna Braverman
• Bar Mitzvah Highlights by Sara Yoheved Rigler
• Post-Bar Mitzvah Stress Disorder by Judy Gruen
• Bar Mitzvah Motivators by Rabbi Avi Shafran
With thanks to Rabbi Dov Lev and Rabbi Moshe Schapiro
(81) Anonymous, May 7, 2015 6:57 PM
Proper event ettiquite for Bar Mitzvah
This is a wonderful article. I am an owner of an event company that is getting more and more requests for celebrations. Is there a particular piece of resource available that I could share with staff to ensure the proper respect and questions are asked of the familes surrounding tradition.
(80) Touching Indochina ( Tonkin), October 1, 2014 4:11 AM
Curious about Bat Mitzvah
well, i am from Iran and really like to know more about the traditions or Jew peoples, i was born muslim but i have been always looking for other interesting religious like Jew
by the way, thank you for sharing this article
(79) brian, March 6, 2012 12:08 AM
Thanks
I just got an invitation to my best friend's bar mitzvah. I had no idea how to act and this has helped me greatly. Thanks!
(78) Anonymous, March 5, 2012 6:21 PM
this helped me with my homework thank you
(77) Shalom Stark, September 18, 2011 8:46 PM
Meaningful Bat Mitzvah Activity
We developed an excellent Bat Mitzvah program around teh mitzvah of "lafreish challah," separating a piece of challah for the Kohanim as was done in the times of the temple. We do a Challah Baking activity on top of Masada, ovens & all, it's fabulous. Here's a little info if you are interested: http://shalomisraeltours.com/making-challah-divine-israel-bat-mitzvah-tour/
(76) Randi Faith, July 26, 2011 9:59 PM
Need an idea
I am having a very small, simple luncheon following my son's Temple Service. In lieu of the candle lighting on the cake, which we are not planning to have, is there something else we can do that involves family and special friends. My son is ASD, which why we are keeping it small and simple
(75) Beverly Kurtin, May 1, 2011 7:17 PM
Disgusting
It is disgusting the way that bar/bat mitzvahs have become an excuse to embarrass people who don't have the wherewithal to throw an extravagant buffet or party. A bar/bat mitzvah used to be a spiritual event; now it is almost like a wedding. When we die, we're supposed to be wrapped in a simple shroud and buried quickly. That came about because even the dead were dressed to the hilt while poor people couldn't afford to be buried in a $3,000 silk suit. The poor among us are forced to scrimp and save so that their son or daughter won't be embarrassed when mom or pop can't spring for an expensive catered buffet. I think that all post-bar/bat mitzvahs should be plain and simple even if the parents can afford to spend $10,000 or more. There are more Jews who cannot afford to do a luxurious spread. It is a shame that such an important event has lowered its importance as it has. Of course, more and more kids think of their bar/bat mitzvah as a get out of shul free card. They never learn about Judaism, never learn what it means to be a Jew. That is sad and disgusting. One thing that has bugged me for years is how people pronounce Judaism. Look at it. Juda ism. So why do people say Judy ism? I know who Judah was, but who in the blazes was Judy? Or are they trying to say Jewde ism? It is Juda ism. If we are going to have Judaism around in the next 50 years, we are going to have to start having post-bar/bat mitzvah classes where our kids can be taught the importance of remaining Jews and marrying Jews. Or isn't it important to us to keep a 3,000 year faith continuing?
Anonymous, November 3, 2012 2:21 PM
wow
You really take this seriously, but was a rant really neccesary?
(74) jack, April 13, 2011 10:42 AM
good
thank you this has helped with my h.w
(73) Anonymous, April 9, 2011 5:46 PM
Excellent article
I really enjoyed this article. It has helped me appreciate the significance of the bar mitzvah celebration I will attend next Saturday.
(72) Barbara Berry, April 9, 2011 5:32 PM
commitment
Isn't the true purpose of the commandments to keep us in right relationship to God and then to man? The first five commandments address our relationship to God, our most iimportant relationship. Without a proper relationship with Him we can in no way be in proper relationship with our family and community.
(71) Bonnie, March 20, 2011 12:20 AM
Very helpful
I wanted to understand more about what it means for bar mtizvah, since I will be attending my grandson's synagogue event and reception in less than a week. As a Christian, I have much to learn about the Jewish customs, so I can understand and share in this special status of my grandson. Thank you for the ABC's you provided here.
(70) Anonymous, March 4, 2011 10:48 AM
good
very good
(69) Ell, February 27, 2011 9:36 AM
Thank-you
I am researching Bar Mitzvah for a school assignment and this website was a huge help. Thank-you so much! It was also good to actually understand Bar Mitzvah. ^_^
(68) Anonymous, February 3, 2011 4:32 PM
Homework and Bat Mitzvah
The Bar Mitzvah facts were great but I had to go to a different site to research Bat Mitzvah since there are a lot of differences and you tended to stci to Bar Mitzvah facts
(67) Anonymous, January 15, 2011 10:56 PM
Bat Mitzvah
Please discuss this and offer ideas for a meaningful event in a young girls life.
(66) Donna, January 4, 2011 9:53 PM
There are differences between becoming bar vs bat mitzvah.
This is a nice overview of becoming bar mitzvah, but I recommend that a separate article be written for the bat mitzvah. No woman of any age (in Orthodox synagogues) is called up to the Torah. Many young women and their families would appreciate a separate account of bat mitzvah practices, separate and apart from her holy brothers.
(65) Anonymous, December 11, 2010 10:33 AM
great info need it for home work
(64) Anonymous, December 1, 2010 2:01 AM
thanks for the info i needed it for a project, very interesting by the way
(63) sam, October 17, 2010 3:27 AM
thanks
learned a lot about Bar Mitzvah from this. I like the trivia mixed in! Thanks a lot though, seriously
(62) , October 15, 2010 11:09 AM
thats cool
(61) , October 7, 2010 11:45 AM
a very well written and informative piece of writing.
(60) chris, August 13, 2010 2:08 PM
Great
This is a great article with many Bar Mitzvah tips. I appreciated it a lot..
(59) Anonymous, May 22, 2010 9:44 PM
mitzvah project website
There is a new website, www.themitzvahbowl.com, which is a database of mitzvah project for Bat and Bar Mitzvah students. The site suggests meaningful mitzvah projects categorized by a child's interests. Check it out!
(58) Anonymous, May 20, 2010 4:11 AM
Heaps of info thanks for the info for my assignment
(57) Anonymous, April 12, 2010 8:20 AM
Great article
Jjust be careful about writing G-d's name see bar mitzvah invitations for more information.
(56) yaacov, February 6, 2010 8:07 PM
another gift idea
Thank you so much for this article you helped me a lot. I bumped into this beautiful idea when i was searching for ideas of souvenir for my guests and of course for my son. Its a Tzitzit of Tzahal and 5% goes to help free Gilad Shalit! the address is: www.idftzitzit.com thank oyu
(55) Anonymous, July 23, 2009 11:42 AM
Great explanation
Now that you know what a Bar Mitzvah is, make sure you know where to get great bar mitzvah gifts.
(54) Rick, May 4, 2009 4:14 PM
Insightful commentary
As an African-American Christian male, raising 3 sons, I am doing a study on coming of age, and your 7 points gave me some wonderful ideas on the biblical basis of assuming adult obligations. Thank you for your insights.
(53) Leo Livingston, April 22, 2009 12:23 AM
Thank you for such a beautiful explanation.
Being from a mixed marriage. I now see what I missed as a young man. However, I have always had a great love for truth and my heavenly Father. Israel, is always in my heart and prayers. Peace today
(52) Patryce, April 21, 2009 1:30 PM
Execellent
This really cleared up my questions. Thanks
(51) Vivian, February 26, 2009 7:52 PM
Wonderful
Thank you so much for providing this insight. My son is attending a celebration of his friend being called to the Torah as a bar mitzvah..and I was wondering what would be a good appropriate gift for him.
(50) Hazel, February 9, 2009 11:36 AM
Briiliiaaaaant [:
this is great im doing a judaism project - briiliant!! Thank you!!
(49) thanks a bunch, December 5, 2008 1:35 PM
final
thanks a bunch i have a final coming up and we have to do a power point over a culture of your choice and i hade no idea what a bat/bar mitzvah was
(48) Alykhan Jr. Merali, December 1, 2008 1:39 PM
My friends Bar Mitzva is coming
Thanks my My friends Bar Mitzva is coming soon and i wanted to know everything that was going to be happening
(47) thanks a million, November 24, 2008 12:53 PM
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(43) Levinda, October 17, 2008 11:11 PM
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Thank you for the quick overview with recommendations. Very helpful for someone who is shopping for the right gift.
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Thank You,
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(40) Lyn, September 8, 2008 9:41 PM
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I have some Jewish friends and their son is doing Bar Mitzvah and I had no idea what it was all about. Your site is very informative. Thank you.
(39) Cailin, May 25, 2008 6:48 PM
Thanks
I have a lot of jewish friends and had no idea what to give them, or any history of the tradition. Thanks.
(38) Katie, May 15, 2008 12:40 PM
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(35) Anonymous, February 26, 2008 12:06 AM
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(31) Anonymous, September 16, 2007 7:05 PM
Bar/Bat Mitzvahs
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(19) Paola, February 20, 2007 6:30 PM
why and who has a bar/bat mitzvah
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(18) Paola, February 17, 2007 6:44 PM
It talks about what happens at a bar/bat mitzvah.
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LOVE,
Paola
Mssina
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