I just came home from paying my respects at a house of mourning and I'm furious.
How can people be so insensitive and so stupid, I wonder to myself, as I witnessed yet again the unintentional cruelty of those who came to comfort but instead conveyed messages that only added more pain to the grieving.
Thankfully I've never heard anything as outrageous as the reported request to the newly widowed mother of three for her deceased husband's golf clubs so that "his memory will live on in a meaningful way." But what I've seen all too often is almost as appalling.
Making it all the more upsetting is the unique significance of the circumstances. A lapse of proper etiquette in a social setting can readily be forgiven; actions that exacerbate the pain of someone already profoundly suffering are indefensible.
Let me share with you some of my more recent experiences.
We can't know they feel because every tragedy is different.
Didn't anyone understand that saying "I know just how you feel" isn't helpful? It's minimizing a mourner's tragedy to imply that those unaffected can really comprehend the severity of another person's loss. We can't know -- because every tragedy is different.
I was inconsolable after my parents died. But I still wasn’t able to fully comprehend mourning in the same way as one of my dearest friends in Israel when she lost her child in a terrorist attack. She put it succinctly when she wrote to me: "With the death of a husband, you lose your present; with the death of a parent, the past; but with the death of a child you lose your future. None of them can be compared to each other."
Perhaps Shakespeare best captured the irony: "Everyone can master a grief but he that hath it." Real comfort can only come from those who don't exaggerate their empathy.
Far worse, though, were those whose "comforting" counsel was "Try not to think about it." What they were really suggesting is that departed loved ones deserve to be forgotten. They would prefer that survivors be disloyal to memories in order to avoid being troubled by unpleasant conversation.
The truth, of course, is that mourners need to work through their grief. They have every right to hold on to their recollections for as long as required, even if their reminiscences are stained with tears. "Thinking about it" is the only way they can get through their misery. "When grief is fresh," Samuel Johnson wrote, "every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till grief be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it."
That is why Judaism, in its wisdom, teaches that we are forbidden to convey words of consolation “in the presence of the deceased.” It is simply too soon to offer platitudes. Mourners have a right to weep. And even after the burial, during the time of the shiva, the seven days dedicated to remembering everything that the departed meant to us, tears have their place as a vital part of the healing process.
For true chutzpah, I can't forget the troubadours of joy in a place set aside for bereavement. "Cheer up" is the advice I've heard far too many times, a recommendation about as absurd as it is disrespectful. What colossal chutzpah to suggest joyfulness at a time of tragedy. Geoffrey Gorer, in his classic work, Death, Grief, and Mourning put it well: "Giving way to grief is stigmatized as morbid, unhealthy, demoralizing…. Mourning is treated as if it were a weakness, a self- indulgence, a reprehensible bad habit instead of a psychological necessity." Telling mourners to change their mood is much more than inappropriate. It is extremely harmful to those who require the catharsis of grieving.
But the award for the most hurtful of misplaced attempts to reflect on the death of someone's loved one must surely be "the gift of guilt" I have witnessed on innumerable occasions. Maybe you should have… is followed by a philosophic exploration of how it might have been possible, had the survivors only done something differently for the deceased to have avoided his appointment with the Angel of Death.
Imagine what comfort it must have been for the grieving widow to hear, "I wish you would have used my doctor -- he might have saved him." Think of how painful it had to be for the father to be told, "Guess you never should have let her take the car." Yes, I even heard a visitor to the home of the mourners for a 9/11 victim share the brilliant insight that "If he would only have gone to medical school as I suggested instead of becoming a stockbroker, he never would have been in the World Trade Center when it happened"! Why in the world would anyone believe that blaming those who weep for what can no longer be changed can bring them any measure of solace?
All these misguided efforts amply illustrate the powerful truth of a beautiful Jewish proverb: God created us with two ears and only one mouth in order to teach us that it's far more important for us to listen than it is to speak.
Just Be There
That's why I've come to a personal conclusion about what it is that makes a condolence call best fulfill its function. In three words: just be there. What mourners need most is the gift of you.
What mourners need most is the gift of you. Just be there.
Words often miss their mark. They may hurt as often as they heal. What leaves no room for misunderstanding, however, is a simple hug, a shared tear, the language conveyed by our presence.
It is a truth I came to best realize in one of the most remarkable shiva visits I ever witnessed. The mourner was a young widow, a mother of four, who had suddenly and without warning lost her husband, a brilliant Talmudic scholar and revered teacher of hundreds of devoted students. We came to the shiva house, colleagues, friends and disciples. None of us knew what to say. Nervously, we attempted some conversation. All eyes suddenly turned to the door as we noticed the arrival of Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, of blessed memory, one of the greatest rabbinic luminaries of the generation.
We held our breaths in anticipation. What would this great scholar have to say to the widow? What wisdom would he be able to impart to ease her suffering? What could we learn from the way he handled the situation?
Rabbi Feinstein started to tell the mourners what a great man the deceased was, how learned, how pious, how righteous. But after no more than two sentences the rabbi choked up and could say no more. He wept, tried again -- and then remained silent. He sat for about 20 minutes all the while making clear his grief. He then rose and offered the traditional words recited for the occasion: “May the Lord comfort you amongst the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”
And after he was gone and for many days thereafter the widow would tell everyone how much she had gained from that visit.
No, it was not the words that mattered. None of us will ever find words comforting enough, wise enough, profound enough to undo the tragedy or to minimize it. It was simply fulfilling what Jewish law teaches us to do at a time such as this. We are to show by our presence that we too are affected by the loss. We are to demonstrate by our sorrow that we share in some measure the pain of the mourners. We are to illustrate by recounting our memories of the departed that the life that is no more will continue in our minds and in our hearts, offering a measure of immortality to the deceased. We are to make clear to those who suffer that we will always continue to be there for them because we are part of a greater community that understands that all of us are responsible one for another.
This is why shiva, when properly observed, has the power to console and to comfort countless generations.
Click here for a one page practical guide on how to pay a shiva call.
(33) Anonymous, October 6, 2013 1:49 AM
Think before you speak
The Rabbi at my Father's service didn't know my father.
Somehow something went amiss. Having lived so long in the Midwest & since Dad died near St Patrick's Day someone in the family commented about this to the Rabbi. How unusual
to mention this very non-Jewish day at the funeral of a man who was very spiritual and who always believed in G-d. Even a Rabbi can make a mistake. Just think people . That's all you have to do!!
(32) Anonymous, March 21, 2011 7:56 PM
Well expressed idea
Thank you once again for putting such a poignant idea into precise words.
(31) Anonymous, June 27, 2010 6:06 AM
Crying at Shiva
When my best friend passed, I went to Shiva and I just broke down and cried and cried. I could not help this, I loved her so much, she was like a second mother to me. Was this wrong of me? was it rude? its been over a month, I am still sad and depressed,
(30) Anonymous, February 10, 2010 7:14 AM
Thank you
Thank you, I have always been uncomfortable when visiting relatives of a decease.I have been afraid of saying the wrong thing to them. Now I know, that not saying anything, just being there, is acceptable.
(29) Sofer Elam, December 31, 2009 4:59 AM
People can really say things that hurt.......
When my Son Michael was murdered on September first, 2000...my boss assumed that he had committed suicide. About a day after his death my boss came by to pay his respects and stated ..."your son was a coward for killing himself". I was angered and hurt instantly. I let him know in no uncertain terms that my son hadn't done such a thing. He was trying to let me know that he thought a lot of me and felt sory that my son could have done such a thing to his family. Obviously, when the investigation revealed what had happened to my son and his friend that was killed with him, my boss apologized. Even then, he was still bumbling. He asked one question after another about shiva. On and on about why our mirrors were covered and why we didn't go to a local funeral home. I didn't have the inclination to explain a Jewish funeral and I didn't invite him or any of the other employees. When I returned to work, the questions and comments kept leaking into conversations. I just couldn't get those first comments out of my head. Finally, after a week back on the job, I walked in to my bosses office and quit. After that experience, I was careful to apply at firms that had at least a few other Jews on the job. Anyone can say or do or act in some way that offends a grieving person. However, cultural differences can certainly make these comments cut deeper. I let the whole thing become a learning experience. I'm careful what I say when I go to someones home during shiva. This article is certainly helpful. I hope a lot of people read it. Yeshar Koach!
Nancy, November 25, 2018 12:39 AM
To commenter #29 Sofer Elam
I am so very sorry for so much of what you went through. Your former boss was beyond intrusive and his questions were egregious. Having empathy for another human being does NOT mean that we need to go prying into their business!!
(28) Sharon, December 11, 2009 8:53 AM
Grief does not stop when Shiva is over
Thanks for a great article. I would just like to add that support and sympathy should not stop when Shiva is over. After my father passed away at a relatively young age, we were blessed to have a lot of friends and relatives visit us during Shiva. However, after Shiva, my mother was very hurt that the visits and calls dried up almost completely - she was lonely and would have appreciated phone calls to ask how she is, and have a chat. I also learned very quickly not to pass on regards from people I bumped into who knew her - her response was that if they really cared, they have her phone number.
(27) Anonymous, December 4, 2009 9:54 PM
Great article...makes me think of Psalm 137
(26) Donna Karen, December 4, 2009 6:15 PM
Siimplicity
The writer is most assuredly correct when he says the best thing one could possibly be or do at a shivah call is to just be there. All that needs to be said is "I'm so sorry. I know his/her memory is an eternal blessing."
(25) Mordy, December 4, 2009 10:19 AM
Insenstitive Remarks
Rabbi Blech hits it on the mark. I remember my wife telling me how at a shiva for a young man, a woman told the bereaved mother that she came because she wanted to see how a mother who loses a son reacts to it! Another time, my wife told me of a woman who told a bereaved wife who lost her husband, that she was going to the mikvah that night! People can be so cruel and insensitive!
(24) shmarya, December 4, 2009 9:17 AM
why wait
why wait to speak holy words only at the time of shiva. make it a daily habit while those are still alive with us also.......
(23) Y. Samberg, December 4, 2009 1:07 AM
I lost my parents 22 years ago. I remember a Rebbe telling me the true words of Chazal that, "one does not receive a test from G-d that one can not past. I remember how angry I was at hearing those words. My response was, "I wish I wasn't ready for this test!" Another person came and plainly told me how sad he felt and assured me that if there was anything that he could do for me, he would be there for me. Those simple and sincere words made me feel good. That is what a shiva visit should be.
(22) isragirl, December 3, 2009 7:39 AM
intrusive and innapropriate questions
when i sat shiva for my father two years ago, one lady who attended asked my mother " did he suffer, and how much did he suffer". what possible help could it have been to ask this. did they really want to know the depth of suffering?? i felt it was so insensitive.
(21) Donna Perel, December 3, 2009 3:55 AM
There are no words....
"There are no words. ..." That is what I say when I enter a shiva house. I have sat shiva for my parents of blessed memory. I have paid shiva calls for children, for parents, for siblings and for grandparents. There aren't any words at that time.
(20) David Eisner, December 3, 2009 12:02 AM
Imo anochi b'tzara
Saying "I understand" is not COMPLETELY off. At the same time, it is VERY off. What is required is this: "I do not understand. I will never understand. But I know that you are hurting. Help me gain some kind of an understanding so that I may be able to impart my love to you." Of course, this will only work if you are a friend of the mourner. Hearing some know-by-face trying to love you will just sound pathetic.
(19) s. reich, December 1, 2009 4:54 PM
cut everyone some slack
I agree with comment #16. I am sure each of us can remember a time when we might have said the wrong thing. Most people don't mean to hurt and sometimes what one person appreciates hearing is painful to someone else. Let's try to be more positive and less critical of others. Just a thought!
(18) Andy, December 1, 2009 3:33 AM
"ignorance the most dangerous disease"
thanks for the enlightening info. sadly many people don't know any better. i have to admit i laughed at the request for golf clubs. maybe she should have answered that she'd like to give them but his last words were that he may need them in the next world so to please hold on to them for awhile..
(17) , December 1, 2009 2:04 AM
Unfortunately, a too necessary article
This article should not be necessary, but it should. I must emphasize that coming late to a shiva house is just not the right thing to do, especially if some of the aveilim are older or in not the best of health. And, yes, understand that just becuase someone is mourning, does not men that they should go the entire day with nothing more than a bit to drink! They also have not become exhibits who needn't be granted some privacy to eat in privacy. Also, please remember that you are not conducting an interview, much less an interrogation. If you want or need information about the niftar for any reason, either wait till after the shiva, or ask someone else. Last, but not least, please realize that just as you should not minimize the mourner's pain, you also don't want to ADD to it. People don't need to hear how you have never gotten over your loss. Under other circumstances you would probably get sympathy. But, under these circumstances, all you've done is hurt the mourner.
(16) Ella Moscati, November 30, 2009 4:23 PM
Sounds a little harsh to me
I think that most people try in their own way to be comforting to mourners.Its always a good rule of thumb to be generous when judging people and forgive the "foot in mouth" .I have said dumb things when nervous and I would want to be judged generously.Just a thought
(15) Anonymous, November 30, 2009 4:12 AM
THINK: Is this what the mourner would want ?
As someone said, common sense is not so common. I went to a shiva call in my neighborhood and a woman came in and said the following to the family sitting shiva, "A terrible tragedy occured. So and so's father was suddenly niftar." The woman did not sit down or say anything about the tragedy of this family, who lost there mother. Then after giving her bulletin, she used teh words, Hamokom..." and turned out and left. Presumably she was in a rush to go to the other, more importanat to her, shiva. This article is very helpful and especially the part where Rabbi Feinstein conveyed his own deep feelings about the loss. Often people who come do not even know teh niftar, only the person sitting shiva. That is why it is importnat for those who did know the niftar to recount some positive experience. Everyone at some point goes through this experience and yet it is still unique and different for each person, therefore it is best to wait for teh person sitting shiva to open the conversation or lead it rather than the person who comes. Many visitors just go on and on chatting about their own kids/family and nothing at all related to the person sitting shiva or their loved one, as though it was just another social call. I guess there is no reason to think that everyone turns into a highly sensitive person when they come to pay a shiva call. If the person is uncomfortable with the visitor, it is best to leave. Let me say that I recall this period and that each and every person who came was very importanat to me, no matter if the house was full and packed already. I do not know if others feel the same way, but I have heard of cases where people did not visit the mourner and the relationship was severed for the omission. May we share simchas.
(14) Rachel, November 30, 2009 3:11 AM
People say the darndest things
People need to teach their children how to behave in all situations, including paying a shiva call and visiting the sick. Perhaps ignorant comments by adults could be avoided if discussions of the way to conduct oneself were more routine with children and teens.
(13) Sara, November 30, 2009 1:18 AM
True but harsh...
While I agree with everything the author has written regarding conduct at a shiva house, and I doubly agree that everyone should take heed of his advice to just be there, I disagree with one thing: the article portrays the people who said, "Don't think about it" or "You should have..." as being horrible people. Don't judge those people so harshly. Anyone visiting a shiva house feels uncomfortable and out of sorts. They're so nervous that they open their mouths and things come out that, believe me, they will regret. Which is all the more reason for them to avoid speaking altogether. But don't judge them as terrible people. Understand them as people who were nervous and said the wrong thing at an awful time. I can promise you that not a single one of them meant any harm by what they said. Perhaps just as important as being quiet at a shiva house is juding favorably those attending.
(12) Joseph Toubes, November 29, 2009 10:55 PM
news to me
when my parents died, there was no formal Shiva, the people in this community did nothing to comfort me or help me through it. I guess these 16 years later I am still grieving, no one to talk to about how I feel and for some reason that is OK. My family has lived in this community since 1893. When I kick the bucket there will be just one left, my daughter, but outside of the family. no one gives a rats but and as I wrote.. they are too afraid to show compassion to someone else, but they embrace the torah and all of that doesn't mean a thing. I miss my parents, but no one can help me, but myself and G-D.
(11) sally, November 29, 2009 10:39 PM
Jewish Law
I undestand that Jewish Law forbids to say hello to the mourners. at least in my country, Panama, there's always signs at the mourners house advising people to refrain from doing so.
(10) Anonymous, November 29, 2009 10:35 PM
I cried though this article. I have lost most of my family. I know people mean well but it feels like there is no rachmones Thank you
(9) Klara LeVine, November 29, 2009 7:58 PM
to anonymous #4, some of the most meaningful comfort I had were in phone calls, where like Rabbi Feinstein, the people had only tears - how much it meant to me to hear from others who loved my father. It's two years later and the tears still come.
(8) Anonymous, November 29, 2009 7:39 PM
A shiva call allows one couple to have an upfront view of the condo soon being up for sale
After putting my father in a care facility, where he suffered several strokes and Alzheimers, my mother herself became ill. We thought she was devasted by the loss. It turned out she passed away not too long after by a terrible disease, Lou Gehrig's. , and we were left to care for my father for several years after she was gone. After my father was put in a care facility we talked my mother into giving up the family home, helped her sort through 40 plus years of stuff and moved her into a beautiful penthouse apartment, new furnishing which she wished my father would have let her buy, a new bedroom set, new everything and were so thrilled that she would have many years to enjoy life. Her penthouse apartment happened to be in a very desirable building and location and people only got in when someone died. My mother got it because my friend who was in real estate told us the fellow had passed the previous day and it would be up for sale. We asked for first option when the time came. So, these long time 'social' friends of my parents came to pay their respects, as they came to me and air kissed both of my cheeks while at the same time looking up at the ceiling and the view commnented to each other what high ceilings and what a fabulous view the condo had. They were already trying to get a sneak preview. In a time of such grief, I had to laugh to myself because my mother who loved my sense of humour was there with me laughing alongside. it brought a moment of lightness to the horrific and unexpected untimely death of my mother.
(7) Anonymous, November 29, 2009 7:28 PM
This article is excellent. Here in the Caribbean and in South America it's certainly well needed!! 28 years ago, I went through by relatives and supposedly friend horrible moments when sitting Shiva and even after. Hope you will be able to forward this article around the world. We all need to be reminded once in a while. Shekoach.
(6) , November 29, 2009 7:22 PM
The best thing one can do in a shiva house is to be quiet and listen. Talk about what the mourner wants to talk about . Go along with the flow. If you don't know what to say; then listen!
(5) Rene, November 29, 2009 6:21 PM
Mandatory reading!
This article should be mandatory reading for all people to read BEFORE paying a Shiva call! I got up from Shiva just 3 weeks ago and this article sure hit home. I lost my larger than life father 4 weeks ago and the grief is still brutal. While I understand the purpose of Shiva is to allow the mourners to grieve while being surrounded by caring and comforting people I wonder if most of us realize HOW to comfort someone mourning. My father passed away and Shabbos and therefore he couldn't be removed from the home till after Shabbos. Somebody at the shiva actually asked me if the Hatzaloh people left the air conditioner on in the room where my father awaited the Chevra! Many people asked me "how" my dear father died and "what happened?" Some of the questions posed left me not only heartbroken but dumbfounded! Unfortunately, through my own experience sitting Shiva I have learned that the key to a Shiva visit is allowing the mourner to speak if they choose to. Bombarding them with questions is painful and draining. Also, while I understand that some people cannot come until late in the day I think coming very late is something one needs to reconsider. By the time 10 PM came around I was mentally and physically drained and not in any position to chat. In addition, asking me how old my father was served as no comfort. To me he could have been 100 and it would have been too soon to lose him. I think this article is a good beginning in "educating" people on the mitzvah of paying a Shiva visit. We have so much to learn. I unfortunately, learned too much only after I was the one sitting Shiva. I pray that my own experience will make me more cognizant and sensitive when I visit a mourner.
(4) Anonymous, November 29, 2009 5:30 PM
Meaning Well is not necessarily the same thing as Doing Well
This is a necessary article. I have been appalled at some of the inappropriate but well-intentioned comments overheard at shiva calls, and I am no doubt unwittingly guilty of same. I have come to appreciate the fact that saying nothing at the home of the mourner, but merely being there, can be a tremendous comfort to someone in mourning. I was recently faced with a difficult situation when due to long distance, I couldn't be at a mourner's house and was only able to fulfill the mitzvah of bringing comfort via the telephone. How I yearned to simply "sit" with the mourner without speaking, yet by telephone I was "forced" to convey my sentiments with words. I did not feel I brought comfort to the mourner as in this case there were truly no words one could say - (it was an unusually sad case of a young person's sudden passing.) It felt superficial although that was the last thing I felt or wished to convey. I wish I'd had guidance on "telephone shiva etiquette" because I felt totally lost.
(3) Rachel, November 29, 2009 4:57 PM
Thanks for the Great Advice!
Both my parents died this year. I was thinking about writing this article myself after some of the conduct at the shiva house. One visitor is a Liberal and was offended that I have conservative political views - not sure why she asked me in the first place. Some visitors brought children who couldn't contain their behavior. Some got into conversations with other guests and didn't give me or my sister much opportunity to get in a word edgewise. Some didn't appreciate that after Ma'ariv, they ought to tactfully withdraw so we could eat dinner. They thought it was the social hour. One person told me that my mom is better off dead, because she had Alzheimer's. By contrast, the thoughtful ones let my brother, sister & myself direct the conversation, if any. Some were thoughtful enough to find out what sort of food we like - my sister is vegetarian. Others loaded us up with store bought cookies and cake that we threw out. One neighbor found out that we had nothing to eat when we returned from the cemetery and she went out and brought back pizza and salads, an act of kindness that we won't forget. People told me how fond they were of Mom - I knew they meant it. It was the nicest thing they could say. Even the ones who didn't act so thoughtfully - I realized they meant well and their intentions were kind. It meant a lot to me that people cared to come.
Nancy, May 13, 2019 12:09 PM
To commenter #3 Rachel
I realize that my comments are 10 years later, but I was truly sorry when I read of the loss of your parents. The behaviors you wrote about had me shaking my head in dismay. I started to type the word disbelief, but sadly I DO believe every word you wrote.
(2) julie, November 29, 2009 4:24 PM
i will forward your words to my friends
Thank you for writing this unfortunately, MUCH needed article. Your kind,sensitive, practical advice will help many.
(1) , November 29, 2009 9:43 AM
I think this one is so important for each and every one of us. My father z"l passed away when I was at the age of 19 after being in a coma for two years with many complications and when sitting shiva there were people who asked me " what happened towards the end" basically prompting me to go through how he died and it was so painful each time i found myself retelling the story untill I realised I didnt not need to. The most comforting visits I had were people who were just "there" and who allowed me to talk about my father z"l and what a tzaddik he was, or those who were just present, helping around the house etc. The greatest comfort came from people who told me stories about my father from interactions they had with him that I did not know about. May we all be able to have the sensitivity to know how to act in a manner that will truely bring comfort to the mourner, and the ultimate comfort should come from Hashem PG.