God knows a lot about us, even more than Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura and Dr. Ruth combined. And one of the first things He did after creating Man was to put him in a relationship. "It's not good for Man to be alone."
And that's when the fun began. Ever since, we've been trying to figure it out. How does this relationship thing work? Sure, we know all about the benefits, but it sure would be nice to have a smoother ride.
- How do I build a relationship on strong footing and make sure it keeps growing?
- How do I avoid some of the pain and distress that inevitably comes?
- What rules can I follow to make my marriage work?
- Why must it always be so complicated?
I suppose thousands of "experts" and amateurs alike have tried to answer questions like these throughout the millennia. To the best of my knowledge nobody seems to have gotten it right yet. So, I don't have much to lose. Why not give it whirl?
So, based on my 30 or so years as a therapist and a few more years of marriage, here then is my "short list" of relationship essentials.
But first a few disclaimers:
- I do not include trust, respect, and love on my list. Without these basics, a relationship is not even getting to first base.
- What follows is not an all-inclusive menu. But, then again, relationships are far more complex than fine cuisine. And life is a lot more expensive than a fancy restaurant.
- I do not claim to live as the perfect example of what I describe here. Just ask my wife.
1. Mutual Goals:
She might be the most generous, most charismatic, most intelligent, and most attractive person in the Universe. But if you want to raise a large family, live in Darfur, and utilize hypnotherapy to change the world, and she wants to contemplate geomorphology and live in a cabin in Vermont, it's not going to work very well.
Fortunately, when our life goals are so diametrically polarized we usually recognize the disparity. But more often, we enter a relationship without formulating any goals at all. We mistake commonality for mutuality and find out too late that we view life very differently. Sharing a passion for sushi or zydeco music is a rather paltry foundation for a marriage. Yet it happens every day.
We mistake commonality for mutuality and find out too late that we view life very differently.
You may not be 100% certain about your objectives in life. That's okay. But you do need to know enough about them to see if your relationship mate is on the same page...or at least the same chapter. Without goals or objectives, your relationship will lack a bearing and a direction and over time, will stagnate.
2. Appreciation:
Everyone wants to be appreciated. But great relationships take this concept much further.
Each of you contributes different qualities to the relationship. These qualities are rarely balanced. While one may give the bulk of the financial support, the other may carry the social and emotional responsibility. True appreciation means that you really value what the other one brings to the table and are grateful for every contribution.
And those involved in relationships that are uniquely special, do exactly that. They see and understand the characteristics that make their partner special. They convey that feeling in a sincere and loving way. And they never lose sight of what makes them exceptional.
3. Reaching out and Taking in:
Giving and taking are the ways in which our needs get satisfied. And in every good relationship, balance of these concepts is essential. But that doesn't mean that each of us must give 50% and take 50%. Some of us are heavily wired to give, while others are programmed to receive (mostly).
Real balance is achieved when you understand how it works in each unique relationship. You may be very generous with your money, but less so with your time. You may be very needy of compliments and affirmation but material gifts and possessions are meaningless to you. So one party may end up doing 70% of the giving, but the balance can still be perfect.
The key is: know yourself and know the other party in the relationship. When you know what you need most and what you are capable of giving, the delivery system works. The better you know yourselves and each other, the better you'll both be able to get what you need and give what you should.
4. Communication:
This is probably the most over-used and least understood concept in the world. Simply, communicating is the activity of conveying information. But in the context of creating a fabulous relationship, it is much more than that. It is the means by which feelings and emotions are transmitted and processed.
Naturally, words are the building blocks of good communication. But much of how we feel and what we need is conveyed through body language, mood, and expression. When a relationship is in trouble, the parties often complain that they cannot be expected to "read minds." But being able to read your partner's mind really well is often a telltale sign that a special closeness exists and that the communication is of a very high level.
Mind reading should never be an expectation, but it can be an exhilaration. Couples who have attained an exceptional level of togetherness often report a unique ability to "know" exactly what their spouse feels and thinks and desires at any given time. Of course, this requires a dedication and a commitment to being totally in tune with one another. And it does take some serious time to develop.
And being a good communicator does not mean that you feel free to "bare your soul" and "let it all hang out." That's like saying that freedom means being able to do whatever you want. That's life in today's warped blogosphere. True freedom is the ability to intelligently evaluate your choices before acting. And communicating well involves an assessment of what to say and when and how to say it – and also, when to say absolutely nothing at all.
5. Healing with Forgiveness:
Life is short... and complicated... and precious. If you allow your sensitivities to dominate, you will forever be depressed and resentful. You may also find yourself pretty lonely. Nobody wants to bond with people who are stuck in the victim role all the time.
Children hold grudges; mature adults allow for imperfection and forgive.
A great relationship does not get bogged down by life's miscues; it moves on. People are not perfect; they are far from it. We all make mistakes, all the time. We say the wrong things, we are impatient and callous, we are selfish and demanding, and on top of all that we always think we are right. But children hold grudges; mature adults allow for imperfection and forgive. They see the big picture and weigh the indiscretions with appropriate measure.
And your ability to admit when you are wrong goes a long way in helping the forgiving process to develop and to endure. It is so difficult to utter those three magical words, "I was wrong," that I often recommend that people should stand in the front of the mirror and repeat the phrase 20 or 30 times a day – just to get more comfortable with it. (You can start with five.)
Anticipating the oncoming red flags is a great way to avoid the need for forgiveness. If you know that your partner just can't stand having to wait for you, making that extra effort to be on time becomes essential. If clutter drives her up the wall, make it your business to be tidier – even though neatness may be totally unimportant to you.
Like every great M.A.R.C.H, the key is synchronization. When everybody stays in line, keeps focus, and plays their music, the result is a beautiful parade.
Let the band play!
(24) Jennie means, February 24, 2021 11:40 PM
Whats no stop up
(23) Betsy, October 20, 2020 8:55 AM
great books
i love the articles
(22) Anonymous, March 25, 2019 1:23 AM
Never married mother with a married daughter
Hello my daughter has been married for the past 8 years with a beautiful daughter. I don’t mind watching my grand daughter but lately I noticed my daughter and her husband are no longer comunicating. I suggested a marriage retreat several times after the baby was born. They sometimes look at me as if I don’t understand because I was never married. What can you suggest? Just keep my mouth quiet and pray that everything goes well for both of them?
(21) Anonymous, December 3, 2008 6:27 PM
great article.....at this important juncture in my life I could use all the advice I can get. Thanks sooooo much for being at my wedding from the BEGINNING and for being under the chupah. EVERYONE is still talking about the unbelievable sheva brochos Temmy and you made for us.Dont worry we have the picture displayed in a very prominent location.THANKS again for everything!!!!
(20) MT, November 30, 2008 9:38 AM
Medications' Side Effects Can Ruin A Marriage!
Prescription medications can alter the personality and blunt feelings of love and affection. Many mistake these things for no longer "being in love" or "making a mistake" in choosing their spouse and many a therapist agrees with them and they are led on a path of self destruction. Side effects of the drugs never considered, or known, by most therapist. Please look at the medications you, or a loved one, are taking and if a therapist recommends separating from any family member - RUN from their office and separate from them! It's the medications wreaking havoc with your brain not your circumstances in most instances. Too many lives are being ruined by these medications. Check out this site I got in the email from a friend and pass it on. It may just save a marriage. Thanks.
(19) Anonymous, November 29, 2008 11:34 PM
"But People Change"
Rabbi, I would like to know your answer to #15 who said they have been married 9 years and now she wants to be observant and he does not. I have the same problem and would like to have some reading on this issue. Along with this is one who is trying to be positive and one who is negative. We have 6 children between us and 20 grandchildren. That obviously came from some frum children and with him negative about life, the world and religion it gets difficult to handle. Can you refer some advice or reading on this subject? Thank you.
(18) Anonymous, November 28, 2008 9:04 AM
long hard road - worth it !
Lisa - you and your husband clearly put a lot of effort , bless you , I have tried , but it takes two , and as some of the others said - things happen people change . But regardless you acomplished a lot . I relate , I am the long winded Gemini here . Best of luck.
(17) Anonymous, November 28, 2008 8:31 AM
Some Ideas
This article brings up a good point which is the idea that we should forgive. However, I think many would agree that this is very challenging at times, especially when you're in the middle of an argument with somebody. One thing I learned was this simple but important idea... "Don't bring up a complaint or issue, at the moment that it's a problem" Rather, discuss it at a time when both parties have been able to digest the issue. Why's that? Wouldn't it be better to bring it up at the moment? From Rabbi's that I've heard, like Rabbi Akiva Tatz, he says that people will NOT hear what your saying when their stressed, it will simply "go over" their head, they won't hear what your saying, and worse, is they may even feel some resentment. Rabbi Tatz has lectures on simpletoremeber.com on Marriage, highly recommended. He explains that ideally, when a husband comes home from work...the worst thing a wife could do is start complaining to him. Rather, she should allow him some time to relax, eat some food, and then once he's been able to catch a breath, then bring up issues that she would like to speak about. But doing so before hand will only cause a man to "tune out". Highly recommend listening to that lecture.
(16) Anonymous, November 26, 2008 12:37 PM
good advice
I spent a long time dating before finding "Mr. Perfect" And we were the things that you said - I always used the term "values". We didn't just like the same food (which I DO think is important) but we also had the same values, for example, raising a family with those values. But like someone else said, a marriage isn't stagnant - there are always new issues arising that you are not prepared for... like infertility. How do you each handle a loss that you couldn't predict - and it is also one of your key values? If you don't grow in the same direction with such a great loss, you end up growing apart. This "growth" was hard to predict during my search while dating. I'm the one who didn't recover from the loss. And now I'm having to recover from the loss of the relationship too.
(15) Anonymous, November 26, 2008 11:25 AM
But people change
Mutual goals are great, but we''ve been married 9 years thank God and now our goals are changing already...I want to be observant and he doesn''t. We both want to stay married forever but this is tricky. Any comments *or* advice?
(14) Lisa, November 26, 2008 10:23 AM
Some of the important things I would like to share
Although I agree with Rabbi Salomon, my husband and I had a difficult time with our communication skills when we were in our first few years of marriage. I would notice that sometimes he thought he had either listened to me long enough and knew what I meant, wanted or didn't want, what I was thinking, etc., and would tune out of the conversation after awhile. Finally, we discovered that he could only pay attention to what I was saying for a short period of time. He is used to discussing problems in a short and concise way at work, and I was very long-winded and often took off on side tangents before I was able to communicate the entire context of what I wanted or needed to discuss with him. He would often cut me off and say that he knew what I was saying or that he knew what I was going to say. At that point in our marriage, he was often wrong and I would become very angry. Especially since he would not allow me to correct his incorrect idea of what I was wanting or meaning to communicate. Finally, because he would communicate in such short and concise manner, I told him that I flunked mind-reading school. The next time we tried to discuss something, he tried to cut me off by saying that he knew what I was going to say. I asked him what he thought I was going to say and he was wrong. I said that obviously he hadn't passed mind-reading school either. We finally got that idea in our minds after a few more discussions. Sometime during each one of our discussions I would say that both of us flunked mind-reading school. It was not only for his benefit, but for mine. It was to remind us that both of us were individuals and needed to be able to share with the other our wants, needs, desires, or problems with the other without being cut off, walked away from or put down. Also, I began to notice that he could not comprehend the entirity of what I was trying to communicate and would at some point tune out. I discussed this with him and we finally came to a conclusion that when that happened or just before he would let me know and we would stop at that part in the discussion and pick it up later so that he could digest the part we had spoken about. We would finish the discussion later and it worked out beautifully for us. Sometimes I would tune out of something he was trying to discuss with me as well and as I said above, we would finish the discussion later. One of the things I did ask him to do for me was to remimd me of what I was saying so that we could pickup the discussion later. I know that sounds odd, but because of several severe injuries to my head and medication I was on, I could not always remember what I was saying and would stay angry and become angrier because I knew there was something I had been trying to communicate and had not communicate making me more frustrated and depressed. Once he was able to remind me of what we had been discussing, I was able to finish the thought or communicate to him that I couldn't think of what else I wanted to say and that would be that. Those things have helped us so much in our relationship. Now, although I still have trouble remembering things, and am still on medication and have an implant that helps with depression, I am able to remember things easier and during our 11 years of marriage we communicate in a whole new way. We feel as though we were still in our second year of marriage. For us it was interesting. As soon as we came to our 1 year anniversary we felt as though a load, no, the weight of the world had been lifted off our shoulders. I mean literally. It was the same way for both of us. We felt entirely different when we hit that 1 year mark. Another thing was that when our blinders came off as they did VERY soon after we were married, we discovered we didn't have the same goals in mind. Through the years, we have both grown in many ways, and now we have many of the same goals. Something we do every night is tell each other we love the other even if it has been an incredibly difficult day or we have been in an argument before we go to bed. Each morning, I tell my husband that I love him, I hope he has a good day and to drive carefully and safely. These last few lines have brought us much happiness to the beginning of each day and comfort and love at the end of each day. Learn what the best ways are for you to start and end your day with your loved ones and how to communicate with them in the first place. It will save you much heartache in the long run. None of us knows how much time we have with our loved one so even if you are angry at them at the end of the day and haven't ironed out all the issues that you may have wanted to or may be angry with your loved one at the beginning of the day, let them know that even though you may be upset with them, they are important to you and you still love them a care about them. It means so much in the long run. Even if it looks as though they are not accepting your love at the time, I believe it will still make a lot of difference in your lives. It has in ours. I thank you for allowing me to share these things with you.
(13) Shmuel Zev, November 26, 2008 9:51 AM
Time Out
Communication is more than skillfully expressing needs. The spouses must dedicate time out of their frenzied, harried lives to talk about non-technical matters. Sure the dog must be walked, bills paid, and kid's homework supervised, but these activities will not create a bond between a couple. They must find feelings to share. Otherwise, they may be working as a functional unit, but there is no sense of ‘oneness’. What a loss!
(12) R.H., November 25, 2008 9:46 PM
IF YOU'RE DATING...
R' Salomon brings under 'Appreciation' the important point of the fact that husband and wife have different qualities. They aren't exactly the same, and by respecting each other's strong points and appreciating them, they make their relationship flourish. I feel that when someone is dating, very often they're so intent on finding someone who's "perfect for them" that they're looking for someone who's very much like them. Same taste, same habits, same toothpaste-the more similarities, the more you feel-"It's meant to be!!!We're made for each other!" Yes-but. Yes, it's important to have a lot of things in common and as R' Salomon pointed out, the most important thing to have in common is the same GOALS, the same IDEALS in life. And if the date has slightly HIGHER goals and ideals then you, that probably even better, because you can grow from being married to them. But at the same time that you're looking for what you have in common, I recommend( I heard part of this concept from an audio class on Aish I forgot by whom): LOOK FOR THE TRAITS THAT YOU WISH TO HAVE. For example, if you wish you could be a better listener, look for that quality in the people you date. Same with patience, controlling anger, talking softly, taking initiative, confidence---any wonderful trait you wish you could have, write it down. Make a list. When you date, look for the qualities you wrote on that list. By being married to such a person, one of two things will probably happen: Either those very traits that you looked for will drive you nuts-because your spouse is not reacting to life (and to you) the way you do. That's if you're foolish. But if you're smart, you'll learn from living with them to slowly grow in those areas, and by having a live-in role model, you can actually learn how to become that way as well.
(11) Ronni, November 24, 2008 8:44 PM
My Experience
Well in my opinion love really is blind and so no matter the wonderful advice you get before marriage it won't matter if you're really in love (you'll think it doesn't apply to you or that you are marrying the only perfect being in existence). I firmly believe that G-d set up the world that way or none of us would ever get married so luckily I didn't know of my husband's faults and it took quite a few years before the blinders really and truly came off. Of course now that we are a team and work through our problems together the love has only increased and is not so fickle as it once was. So bottom line I don't think it matters who you marry nor what their faults are so long as they are not abusive and possess a kind heart and are truly committed to making the marriage work.
(10) john kamoga, November 24, 2008 1:11 AM
sharp and strong
this is one of the best article i ve seen on essential of agood marriage in this millinnia.thank you for the wisedom u give to up coming generalation.
(9) Anonymous, November 24, 2008 12:19 AM
Good points - but something missing
R. Salomon makes some very good points, and I won't argue with any of them. He seems to neglect, however, that a marriage is a living thing, and it changes over time. Both partners have changing needs, goals, and qualities. I've been in a relationship with my wife for almost 25 years, and every one of those years has been different. IMHO, the most important factors in keeping a marriage together are mutual respect and consideration. (I didn't say love, even though it is very important, because I still don't know how to define it.) My wife is my best friend, and my friends deserve my loyalty, support, and sometimes my sacrifice. I believe that our mutual willingness to sacrfice personal goals for the greater benefit of our union over years of changing circumstances has kept us together and kept us strong.
(8) Esther, November 23, 2008 7:58 PM
Good advice not to let it all "hang out"!
I like the advice to not "let it all hang out"! As a married woman, I believe this is one of the main reasons couples get "tired" of eachother because, when you think about it, letting it all hang out means you've stopped making an effort!
(7) Michal, November 23, 2008 2:13 PM
Love ist most important, even when you not include it.
I once heard a man from India say: You have started to love, when the happiness of the other one is part of your own happiness. And after a 38year long happy marriage I know what I say. I was so happy, that I had nothing else to wish. And actually, there was not even room for Hashem. I did not lack anything. I had all, I could ever want. I am sure, that was the reason, why God took my loved husband from me. - And yes, humour is very important!!! You explained everything perfect. And with humour.
(6) Anonymous, November 23, 2008 12:28 PM
Thank you!
Thank you for the thought provoking article.
(5) Erin, November 23, 2008 10:39 AM
Just when I needed this...
I've been having some trouble in my marriage, and I really needed a "boost". I realize that you can love someone, be in love with someone, and still be so busy that life can get in the way without proper time set aside for your relationship. What I need now is to figure out how to let go of some of the resentment that has built up. I suppose I'll have to ask G-d for the answers to that one. Thanks for the article!
(4) Anonymous, November 23, 2008 8:46 AM
Excellent article!
This is one of the very best articles I've seen on the essentials of a good relationship. Thank you for articulating all the wisdom you've accumulated personally and professionally in such a succinct and user friendly fashion.
(3) Anonymous, November 23, 2008 8:02 AM
About giving --- My mom always said that a wife must give 90 percent. I'm pretty sure she wasn't implying that the husband needs to give only 10 percent. I believe her point was that it's not a zero-sum game. Each must give AT LEAST 90 percent of the total.
(2) Rosen, November 23, 2008 6:33 AM
happiness prior to marriage
These appear to be 5 elements of an ideal marriage. Prior to marriage, one must be happy him/herself before their partners happiness is more important than others. I know and have experienced how true it is if one isn't happy enough in life, then they won't be happy in a relationship or marriage either. Communication and shared values (such as marrying Jewish and other intramarriages) can go a long way. Love and a common sense of humor are also 2 of many major factors that help build and maintain a good, lifetime/permanent marriage.
(1) Eliana, November 23, 2008 5:46 AM
youll enjoy this one!