Marriage and Giving: Primer for Women

Contrary to popular belief, men welcome directions. The following are directions: go 1 miles on main street and make a right at the firehouse. The following are not directions and are not welcome, why did you go this way, how come its taking so long, shouldn't you make a left, how can you didn't put this into mapquest, how come you put into mapquest (they always give a crazy way). The point is being constructive and solving problems is welcome, talking about went wrong is not needed and solves nothing.

When I was first married I got kind of crazy. All I could focus on was "I don't know how to be a wife. I don't know how to be MARRIED." A friend of mine said very simply " "Marrage is what every married couple makes it." At age 58, I can only echo her statement. No matter what we are determined that our marriage should be, it always becomes what two people shape it to be as they find it works for them - and when it doesn't work for them WORKABLE CHANGE has to happen or compromise - OR constant misery, abuse or divorce. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks a marriage, Jewish or otherwise, is one way or no way. My husand loves me and vice versa; we have utter mutual respect, we are truthful, faithful and genuine and we don't lie in any way, including that we are honest but tactful in what we are feeling even if sharing those feelings might rock the boat. We risk a little rocking for the sake of being who we truly are with each other. For twenty years it's been a blessing. As for do I dress up, cook or clean for him? No I don't. None of those are things I'm good at it and neither of us value them as cornerstones for our deep love for each other or our relationship. Do we BOTH listen, share, care, take turns at household jobs, hold and hug each other, discuss, argue sometimes, value who we truly are and what we give to each other? You bet. And guess what - he does his own laundry. Shocking, isn't it? Here's another shocking fact - we laugh together a lot. We play together. We look at each other as equals. If all this adds up to my failure as a wife or my failure in a a marriage, then God bless our failures. And thank God for the comment of LLP who couldn't believe this article was written in the 21st century. My middle name may be Ruth, but that doesn't mean I want to go back to living with Boaz. By the way, since Emuna is a mental health professional, I'll mention that I am too and therefore proof that those who serve mental health have very different perspectives.

This is exactly why I Found a man who cooks.

This article is truely interesting. It brings out exactly what one should do to fuel the marriage vehicle to keep it going. I would like to add that men on the other hand should also be sensitive to their wives. I wish the Married and those aspiring to Marry success in their lives.

Was this really written in 2009? Wow.

Emuna,.... I agree as women we must do our part in a marriage. We aren't connected at the hip to our spouse. They have a life, we have a life. We have made an agreement to marry, to jointly keep a home to live together, perhaps to raise children. The things we did together before our marriage we do together now as well as new interests and adventures. . These are the things that are a part of our life together...................... Traditionally we said we would honor love cherish, and obey, even through sickness, FOREVER. Do you think we really thought that throughenough before making that commitment.? We're all responsible for our own joy. In fact we are commanded to be joyful.

How reasonable is it that two people can live together for 50 years and agree on everything, take care of every need and have every one of their needs met? If we are still the same woman he married 20 years ago, then how interesting are we? We can either grow together or grow apart. What have we contributed to the marriage that is new,and fresh and interesting? How predictable is it that a marriage without other interests becomes stagnent.................... Traditionally a home and children is why people got married, the man provided a safe home and food for his wife and children, and the wife made a nurturing comfortable home for her husband and children. Tthose old traditional ways were OK and most of the marriages of the 30's and 40's survived. With a 50% divorce rate 60 years later, something went terribly wrong................. If you feel your husband doesn't measure up to the task around the house, Hire someone to help you. If you want him to be more caring and anticipate your wishes, then good luck to you. You can make him to go through the motions, but if he isn't truly interested in doing those things, there is no validation in the motions.

Thank you for the article and the comments are great, especially Caryl #4.

"Please notice that almost all the married ppl who commented find this article mostly on-target while those who don't are mostly single." No, Tali, in fact, I'm reading the comments and most of those who are married here have tried these things and ended up in divorce after they not only didn't help, but in a way made things worse. You seem to very much think all single people are selfish and immature, and every happy single person needs "a therapist who can help you grow up a bit, disabuse you of hollywood- induced ideas, and truly achieve growth." Maybe most happy singles ARE a lot more mature than you care to admit, and G-d has them happily waiting for someone as equally grown-up as they are. That is extremely hard to find in today's world, which is full of co-dependent drama addicts who can barely tolerate being on their own for five minutes (and then turn around and want to use us single people as a sounding board for all their "problems"!). The daughters of Tzelophad weren't married until their early to mid forties, from what I remember, because none of the men around them were even close to their spiritual level until then. I can waste my time wringing my hands than I don't have A Man and His Babies, like you seemed to have done, or I can live my life, get to know myself better, and dedicate my time to doing G-d's work while I'm single until He happens to throw something in the gears to change it. I also pray constantly that He does not bring me to tests. I don't want a life-long TEST, I want a MARRIAGE.

Perfect,I love this "Article" Both(man and women)must practice this,each day, all the time. It is no easy.

I think you give a lot of good advice in this article. I agree that it is very helpful and down to earth. My marriage ended in divorce a couple of years ago. I think a lot of your points go at the heart of what went wrong with my past marriage.

I don't think you understood my point. the article isnot about abuse, subjugation of self, or immature men. It is about being considerate and keeping your spouse and his needs in your mind and heart at all times, as he will do for you. Just as you would not consider a woman who treasures the compliments, occasional gifts of flowerd or chocolates, interest and attention, and household help of her husband as an abusive wife, you should not consider a wife who tries to please her husband to be a victim. i know you would not appreciate a slkovenly, disinterested, insensitive partner who never waits up for you and could not care less about your goals or about helping you when you find some task distasteful. So why is it so hard for you to understand that a woman should do the same for her husband? Please notice that almost all the married ppl who commented find this article mostly on-target while those who don't are mostly single. there might be a pattern here. I am the last person to say that there is no such thing as an abusive or immature man, and some of the commenters seem to have experience with that type of man. However, even emotionally healthy ppl need to feel that their spouses care abt them! And love, when not expressed with practical, caring behaviors (such as the ones described by the author), can quickly turn to despair and then hate. Again, i hope for you that you can reconcile your expectations of marriage with a less self-focused and impractical reality to achieve marriage. if you do, you may find that you're far happier than you expected!

No doubt loving and caring for your spouse (whether it be husband or wife) is extremely important in Judiasm and is just common sense. But self-preservation and self-respect are also important Jewish principles - not to be confused with Christianity which emphasizes "turn the other cheek" and "the meek shall inherit the earh" THESE are NOT our Torah values.

Thank You Tali, I couldnt had a better reponse then yours. I have been dealing with the same issues with a few of mine non observant friends and it is so difficult to explain Judaism principles. What i try to explain is so beautiful and eye opening but comes out judgemental and condescending apparently. People need to apply Judaism principles to their lives instead of wasting their time on foolish fantasies and movie ideals.

I was married to an abusive husband for ten years, tried to do almost all these things (and then some) and just got more abuse and in front of my children who also suffered. I am getting a divorce now. I would offer that what you are descrining is in many ways is how to MOTHER man and that's what the abusers want - for THEIR every need to be met without regard to the wife at all - she is just playing the part

So, what's your advise to men for Marriage and Giving? Most females today work full time to contribute financially to the household as well as caring for the children, etc. Our daughters do. I didn't work outside of the home but spent longer hours at my job of housewife and mother than my husband did at his business! Even with his working overtime! I still do, even with his being unhappily retired!

we are to serve on another, and treat each other how we want to be treated. This is totally against the "modern woman", but it is the way to a happy marriage. I don't believe the author is telling us to be a doormat. She is telling us to love our husbands-love is a choice, a commitment and an action!

Sleep is important, it helps us function, maintain our weight etc if my husband learns at night, he knows to come home at a specific time. That time is when I want to go to sleep.

Hi Tali, I appreciate your good wishes, but I'm not sure where you got the idea I have romantic notions. Perhaps Meira expressed it better: "a real relationship isn't going to come from depressed, angry, neurotic, underdeveloped baby-men" If I find a grown-up man interested in reciprocity, great, if not, I'd rather be lonely on my own than lonely with someone who isn't there in any meaningful way other than to take. One last point - I have been told and have come to believe, a psychologically healthy man is not interested in a women obsessed with pleasing him. In fact, this is a recipe for attracting abusers.

Beautiful: and if you don't mind I'd like to add one more little thing: we need to say "thank you" more often! Just because he "should" take out the garbage, doesn't mean he doesn't need to be thanked. Just because he "should" read the kids a story, doesn't mean we can't show our appreciation. And don't we also love to hear those words? Do unto your husband....

Peggy- if you view the above advice to women as a formula for misery and self-negation, I am not sure that you are ready for marriage. Your description of ideal relationships may be more romantic than the author's, but its far less true. After all, hopes and dreams must confront practical realities such as bills, dirty diapers and conflicting schedules in real life. Marriage does require hard work, in the form of trying to put yourself in your spouse's place and fill his/her needs. This is Gd's ultimate formula for our growth and development as human beings. In a good marriage, your spouse will do the same for you, leading to a level of happiness that cannot be achieved in other relationships. You are hardly to blame for your misunderstandings. Unfortunately, this is extremely hard for many singles- including me before i got married- to grasp. The media's portrayal of unrealistic, flimsy romanric realtionships only reinforces these false perceptions. If you are serious about getting married, i suggest you find a therapist who can help you grow up a bit, disabuse you of hollywood- induced ideas, and truly achieve growth. I would also start reading the excellent dating articles on his site, including from the archives. best of luck to you and others who struggle with the same issues.

Question: what do you suggest if the woman has an impeccable taste in clothing but the husband is used to see the women from his young childhood moving around in sloppy house coats or drap clothing? i very much enjoy fashion and would dread if my future husband would even suggest me to dress in the way he is used to see women.

The comments to this article show that men are in need of this type of article more than the women. It also makes me admire my wife even more who does all the above and much more to accomodate my needs. Marriages need open lines of communication. Unfortunately due to technology we have lost the art of talking to each other the way our parents/grandparents used to. Hashem Yaazor

After 27 years of marriage, I can agree that much of this advice is great & works. However, readers shouldn't see this as a "one size fits all" panacea. For example -- if one spouse needs sleep and one needs to be out late, perhaps they can schedule their quality time at a time that works for them both. Similarly, when children are quite young, their needs (not wants, but real needs) obviously have to be met before those of the adults in the family. Finally, this article does not discuss the issues that arise when people are in a different place from each other religiously, educationally, culturally or whatever. Those things do create more challenges.

After reading your exhausting to-do list for wives, I felt a wave of relieve that I am single. It is well worth it to mow the lawn myself. But seriously (actually I was being serious) the key to a good relationship is not a relentless subjugation of your needs to your partner's needs, but rather genuine sharing of your hopes, fear and insecurities with each other, and caring about your partner's well being and feelings. It shouldn't be an act.

Not to commentators this advice mostly only applies to women who are married to dedicated men. even if they have there faults not to abusers.

Just a note to Suzanne... when you asked "why" did you start by explaining that you wanted to try his way? I struggle with this in my marriage, too, the finding of right words, framing questions respectfully - or in a way that is sensitive to his past (perhaps being raised in a critical home?) It is interesting to me that the author did not address the need for us as wives to do our own "undesirable" tasks as a showing of respect. I have a friend who refuses to do things like cook, discipline the children or keep a reasonably clean home because it's not "who she is". Her husband cooks, has to be the "bad guy" at times and their home is a messy example for their children... but she does many of these other things suggested in the article. Is she falling short? We all see his discouragement and frustration with the obvious lack of respect. She is a stay-at-home mom.

The advice is good for both men and women in that putting your marriage and partner first, being willing to compromise, showing interest in your partner's aspirations, and love are keys to a successful marriage.

for this wonderful article. Suzanne, I also have a "difficult" husband who made my life a living hell during the 1st few years of our marriage. The example you gave of the box is the type of behavior my beloved would exhibit regularly. May I offer a piece of advice? When your hubby does something ridiculously crazy, immediately hug him. You can bring his head to your shoulder and stroke his hair, saying, "it's o.k., it's o.k......" Remember that whatever is happening in his head, it's not about you. I reached a point in my life where I refused to let him alter me negatively,

My husband comes home at 1 a.m. from work three nights a week. I work full-time during the year (I teach special ed) and expecting our second child. At that time, I have to be up at 5:30 a.m to get to work on time. Most of these nights I'm exhausted but get up at that time to greet him. However, he just grunts hello and goes straight to his books and/or computer. When I come back from work on the days he doesn't work, he does the same thing. Why should I put myself out for someone who clearly is not interested?

This is sort of advice that, I think, is so obvious that most normal, healthy women trying to have a good marriage have already tried it, and for years and years. If it didn't work, it's because their husbands are not willing to be grownups themselves: they're touchy (cf. Suzanne's comment), take the good done them for granted (spoiled children, anyone?), harp endlessly on what's wrong with their lives and wives and drag everybody down. Women married to these guys, esp. if there are some kids in the picture, do NOT have the energy or desire to do much other than get through the day. They married incorrigible takers, not equal partners, and one party cannot make the other party change, so you might as well salvage what you can of your own health and sanity and do your best for your kids, if you can't get away. You'll still be so lonely you'll want to die, but a real relationship isn't going to come from depressed, angry, neurotic, underdeveloped baby-men. Sorry. I guess you shouldn't stop praying for a miracle, but that's what it would take.

I understand exactly what Suzanne is saying. It takes 2 people to accomplish this goal. All the years my husband was employed, I would ask him about work and was eager to hear what he had to say, he rarely shared with me. Also questioning why he did something, was interpreted as a put down.Sadly there are men in this world who will not react the way you say just about no matter what or how you act.

While the matter of sex may be subsumed in your various other comments, it is important enough to have been given its own heading and its own treatment. Failure, or worse yet, conflict in this area will negate all the other considerations. Think about it.

I think that that the verb "to give" has been used so much, that one tends to forget its real meaning. Man and wife should be friends in marriage; which to me, means, a bond of friendship, trust, laughter, play, and struggling towards similar goals in life, together. If a man makes you feel like "garbage", he is not your friend. When either party is selfish or inconsiderate, it is not a problem of "giving", but a problem of self. Most emphasis has been placed on women "giving", being undeerstanding, submissive, and all that other language; it is not realistic. Treat us like human beings, and you will be treated accordingly. What is hateful to yourdself, don't do unto others. Don't expect us to be wonderwoman; we are women who want to be treated as such. In my opinion, the author of the book would have us turn our gaze towards the floor with shame instead of looking up into the eyes of our spouses with joy and pride. Don't confuse giving with being treated as a friend. If another person did all those things that were not to our liking, we would walk. So why accept it at home. You got the wrong "ADAM" ladies if this happens.

What do you do when so many things are the opposite? You like regularity, order, and he is spontanious and unorderly. YOu like to go to sleep early, and he always stays up late. You like to stay at home, and he likes to go places. After thirty years, it is quite tiring.

If my wife would have followed this primer, we would not be divorcing now. There seems to such strong resistance, almost hostility and resentment against giving by some women. They feel put upon. This clear feeling is toxic in a marriage. I would like to read the practical primer for men you referenced. Some women feel men do not give, or have not given in their past experiences. or marriage is or has been too one sided where they have not received what they needed. The shrillness and at least some hostility toward men from the women's lib movement does not help a man feel open.

I enjoyed your article and practice most of your suggestions regularly. Because of this, I have a wonderful 41 year marriage with a husband I love more than I did when I married him. I wanted to comment to Suzanne. Don't ask why - - the only reason I can tell you why men don't like is I know from being a writer (and writing masculine characters) that strong men NEVER explain themselves. Any why question requires an explanation. Perhaps had you come at the question from another angle without the 'why' he would have provided the information you were looking for. One more thing, ladies who aren't liking this - it is better to live in the corner of an attic than in a large house with a complaining woman. tee hee hee I know, I know, but it's true.

Certainly this article applies to men as well as women.

I've been doing most these things since we married. However, I find the more I give the more he wants. I can't remember the last time I did anything that made me feel alive. My whole existance has become satisfying his needs and wants. As far as being a "helpmeet against him", no one seems to be able to advise me on ways to do this without making him feel disrespected. I once asked him why he folded a box a certain way (because I thought it might be more effective than my way and if so, I wanted to adapt to his way) and he unfolded the box and threw it down in a huff. If just asking why is a threat to him, how can I ever tell him when he is actually hurting me or heading for trouble in some other area? As far as sleeping as little as he wants to, he likes to get by on 4-5 hours of sleep a night. As a result, he is consistently stressed and irritable and struggles with his weight. If I were to do likewise, I would have similar consequences. I don't see how picking up his bad habits and acquiring his health problems would help our marriage.

Thanks so much for your very helpful and down to earth guidelines! They might not be accepted by some feminists who sadly don't understand that life is about giving. Giving does not mean giving up your identity, on the contrary: it makes you a truly enriched and better person! Hashem is the greatest giver!