An ode to my children who are rushed off to school six mornings a week.
Who sit all day listening to a teacher and fellow students speak Hebrew without understanding a word. Who come home with a smile on their faces.
An ode to my children who don't have to smile, but could complain instead that they're lonely, that no one understands them. That school is a waste of time.
An ode to the children who make Aliyah, who struggle, and persevere.
I tell my six-year-old son to sit next to the other schoolboys at the bus stop while he waits for the bus. That he shouldn't separate himself from them by standing off to the side or turning his back. But every morning he gets out of the car, crosses the street to the bus stop, looking at the ground and sits separate from the Israeli boys. He kicks the dirt, looks at the sun and watches me drive away.
I don't want to leave him. I want to sit with him and talk to him and tell all the boys at the bus stop, "Hey -- you've got to get to know this kid. He's so bright and creative, and lots of fun to be with! He's sensitive and thoughtful. He would be a great friend to have." But they don't speak English, and my Hebrew is poor at best. Instead, I drive the car slowly away, peering into the rear view window to see if he follows my advice.
I can't blame him for not being assertive at the bus stop. I'm afraid to call Israeli mothers on the phone to arrange play dates for my kids. What if they don't understand me? What if they don't want their child playing with an American?
Two little girls from my daughter's class come by to play with her. They run around the house in a wild and disordered way. They don't speak English and my daughter doesn't speak Hebrew. They communicate by pushing each other, throwing toys around, and chasing each other in and out of the house. My daughter becomes silly and screams out bathroom words. And then the two girls leave without explanation, and we are left to clean up the mess.
My daughter looks at me distraught, "Mommy, why didn't they want to play anything?'
Despite these difficult moments, they still climb into the car after school bubbling with energy, pulling colorful projects out of their knapsacks. Over lunch I'm careful to include my own challenges so they don't feel alienated (like how I didn't understand the discussion in Ulpan about washing machines and dryers and sat frustrated for close to an hour). They laugh at my trials and question me, "Does your teacher really only speak Hebrew like ours?
My daughter revels in the moment at pick-up where all the five-year-old girls run to the fence, screaming out, "Bye-bye, Avigyle!" waving, laughing and chasing the car as far as the fence would allow them. She is the only new immigrant in the group, and this makes her unique and interesting in their eyes. Knowing that she's unique and special is perhaps the primary factor enabling her to get through her day. For my son, it is the same. He is the "American." His principal and teachers are careful to say he's a "Yeled tov (A good boy)", to say to him, "Mah shlomcha? (How are you?)" and to smile at him. He reports every positive interaction to me, glowing because he's special.
To the Israeli children and school administration -- we are grateful that you take a moment to show a child you care.
But I don't mean to idealize my children.
Of course, they report negative moments too: I sat by myself at recess. I don't understand what the teacher is saying so don't ask me any questions about this week's parsha. I have no one to play with after school. I don't want to go to school today.
The more we give to our children, the better they can face the challenges of their world.
And that's when I have to ignore the tiny voice in my head saying, Don't bribe them with lollies, don't coddle them, just give them a push, they'll figure it out. Let them struggle a bit. Instead, I've learned that an ice cream cone with sprinkles in the middle of the week, an art project with Mommy, more trips to the park (even though Mommy is so tired she can barely manage the walk out the door), more learning and play time with Abba, and pizza two times a week can make all the difference in the world.
All this extra effort compensating for our children's lack of a comfortable social and academic life has truly paid off. My son can kick the dirt at the bus stop alone for ten minutes without feeling lonely because he knows he's really not alone in the world. And my daughter will invite her "wild" Israeli friends to play with her again because she understands that they do want to play with her, the same way her Mommy and Abba do, they just don't know how to communicate with her.
Moving to Israel has been a great lesson in parenting. The more we give to our children, the better they can face the challenges of their world.
All this giving is not easy. And frankly, I'm wiped out.
But at least a few times a week, (before I've lost my patience, raised my voice or done some other parenting faux pas), my daughter has looked at me with a sweet smile on her face, asking, "Why are you such a good mommy?"
I don't recall ever hearing that question in America.
There is a sense in the family that "we're all in this together." And perhaps, in witnessing our children slowly acclimate to their new life, we are inspired to work harder to adapt and to accept the changes in our own lives.
Ode to my children for giving us parents the opportunity to grow and to be better.
(19) Jason Goldstein, October 1, 2015 10:33 AM
Not the story for a lot of kids.
My kids, and I have met other parents and kids like this, have been in Israel over a year and have not learned any Hebrew, or just a tiny bit. They still sit in school staring at a teacher speaking a foreign language and being told they should know it by now.
My first grader and kinder garden age kid get no help since ulpan (which isn't even that much) doesn't start until second grade.
My kids are miserable and have been destroyed by making aliyah. Please Please Please if you have kids do not come here they will hate you. My kids have no one but themselves and fight constantly. It doesn't matter were you go, we were in Beer Sheva surrounded by Israelies they learn nothing. Move to Beit Shemesh lots of Americans but not in there school (took seven meetings to get them signed up which is normal in Israel education is beyond horrible here). Still know nothing.
They curse and scream a lot and we ruined their lives. I hate that we came here because of what we did to them.
It took over a year to get help for my autistic kid.
You have to fight constantly Israelis are wonderful unless you need something then they are evil. The schools tell you they have no room, or you should have signed up in January (before we knew we were going to live in Beit Shemesh).
If you can't afford tuition in the States or the Jewish Schools stink then send them to public school and give a good Jewish Home. If we go back that is what we will do. Of course you better have money to go back (or survive here don't believe the people who say you can take your kids places without a car we don't have one and can't go anywhere).
I know if we go back I have failed such a huge test by G-D that there is no forgiveness for me, but my kids lives are hell here.
(18) Ronan, December 23, 2009 10:52 PM
No need to worry
At that age children learn language so fast that I have no doubt that in way less than a year, they will be translating for their mother.
Jason Goldstein, October 1, 2015 10:48 AM
not true
Been here over a year didn't happen for my kids. Doesn't happen for a lot of other to.
(17) Andrea, January 5, 2009 5:41 PM
we are proud
Tara Dad and I ars so proud of you both. You have undertaken a huge responsibility, and are doing it so well. It was amazing to see how the children are adjusting to thier new surroundings, and we atribute that to you and Heath.Always know how proud of you we are. mom
(16) Eli, December 28, 2008 4:56 PM
Don't read anything negative as others?
I read this to be an affirmation of a families decision to make Aliyah. Nothing negative but informative. Learning a new culture and new language can be intimidating for anyone! Good luck and thank you for sharing! I wish you and your family the best and am certian you will be fine! Aron, maybe you should read the article again. Elijah
(15) Deborah, November 13, 2008 7:53 AM
Aliyah
We made aliyah when our kids were nursery school age and I highy recommend doing that as it makes certain issues much easier. And I agree with another comment on here- aliyah is worth the pain. We''ve been through wars, financial and cultural difficulties, etc. but you''d have to drag me out of here! Israel is a small, very new, multi-cultural nation that struggles with a lot and needs a lot of tweaking and improvement. However, the one thing that keeps me here is G-d. The holiness in the air here is indescribable. Israel is G-d''s estate and anyone privileged to live on it should thank Him daily for the honor. When I go back to the U.S. for a visit it is a lot "easier" and "smoother" but the lack of holiness feels like a huge, abysmal void and I can''t bear it. I need to be where G-d is concentrated and you can feel His holy presence, even when doing the most mundane things in life. And may we all do our best to make the state of Israel a better place every year!
(14) YM, November 12, 2008 2:53 AM
Not Negative
I didn't think this was negative at all. It was a tribute to her children. They all know that they will learn Hebrew and it will work out fine.
(13) Aron, November 11, 2008 7:08 PM
@Moshe (#5)
I'm sorry to hear of your negative experience, but I also think that it is the exception to the rule. If I were to follow your reasoning to an extreme, since some children have bad or traumatic childhoods, people should stop having children! I had a hard time too, at first. As you said, it is a major transition. I too am back in the States for completely different reasons. But please, don't use your personal experience to deter others from making the move to Israel. From experience, it is more than worth the effort! The values our children learn in Israel are unique, too numerous to list here, and cannot be learned anywhere else (especially not in the USA, sadly). I again implore you to remember that your experience is the exception to the rule and that bad though it may have been, it is not the general outcome.
(12) Aron, November 11, 2008 6:48 PM
I was a child Oleh from New York
Wow! You gave ma quite a few flashbacks! I was about 10 years old when my parents made Aliyah in 1976, and I went through the transition your children are going through. All I can say is don't worry - yehiyeh beseder! Kids learn very fast and I'm willing to put good money on them becoming more "Israeli" than you eventually will. The first year is the hardest (I was in 5th grade), but since it sounds like your children are immersed in a Hebrew-speaking environment, they will learn the language quickly and you will learn to rely on them sometimes as translators. Your children will learn the language and customs more quickly than you imagine and all will be well. Hang in there, and if you need to talk to someone who's been there, I can be reached at asafran@verizon.net. My father still lives in Jerusalem and was very active in the Jerusalem branch of AACI (Americans And Canadians in Israel) and I'm sure he'd be more than happy to talk to you... in English!
(11) Anonymous, November 11, 2008 3:00 AM
Just because they are isreali...really
I have been folowing your stories and enjoy them very much. This one upset me. I am sure you didn't mean that Israeli girls are a bunch of stupid kids, but it sure sounded that way. We may have made aliya but the lack of Yachdus in this article is disturbing. The them vs us attitute needs to stop. Israelis are different but not less important than us. Please take note of this and help keep yachdut and peace. Also I am a little sick of this poor poor pitiful Americans who made Aliya. Yeah it is hard I have had my share of Israeli experiences too but this is our homeland for better or worse.
(10) Hannah, November 10, 2008 8:56 AM
Prepare for Aliyah
1-Several months of Hebrew lessons in the US really help kids adjust. 2-Efrat is another community with lots of English-speakers 3-Aliya is worth the pain!
(9) Anonymous, November 10, 2008 2:23 AM
Is there really a metaphor here?
As Moshe said with his comment, this family deserves special commendation for telling of their experiences. I myself would never have this courage that this mother writes about in taking her family to Israel. But I take issue her response to the question that her child asked her, 'why are you such a good mommy?' I found her response to be an unfair 'knock' on America. Obviously the child would not have posed the question if they remained in America because the child could not have wondered such a question. The child is, in a nice way, asking the mother why she is putting herself thru their ordeal, the child sees the mother struggling. The mother obviously did not struggle in such a manner when they lived in America. Is the child's question a metaphor for the child's own struggles? or a metaphor as to why the mother is putting such an ordeal on the child? Yes, these are tough questions, but fair in the context of this article.
(8) yaakov, November 9, 2008 3:07 PM
thanks tova for your comment
i am seriously considering aliyah. have been thinking alot about it, but the recent usa 'election' made a big impact. your comments are very very encouraging. they mean alot at this time. thank you!!
(7) Anonymous, November 9, 2008 2:32 PM
Kol Hakavod !!
Thank you for your realistic comments on making aliyah. I pray that everything will work out for you. I know it will. Kol HaKavod to you and your family.
(6) Chanya, November 9, 2008 1:59 PM
Tova - #2
Tova, As someone who has just made aliyah and is seeing my children thrive here, your post really resonated with me. I don't know the reasons for your being back in the states now. But since you know how special Israel is, I hope you will return as soon as you can and bring up your own children here.
(5) Moshe, November 9, 2008 1:55 PM
This certainly is a very moving and emotional article. Kol Hakavod for being so introspective. However, for the sake of honesty, people should know that making aliyah with older kids is not always successful. I am a case where it did not succeed and am now back in the US. I can also name numerous other cases of kids who returned to the States because aliyah was such a negative experience for them. It's not necessarilly Israel per se, but the experience of being uprooted and planted in a new culture, new social setting and totally new environment is by definition difficult. From seeing families with older kids make aliyah, I would say that some kids make it and some kids do not. As a parent, I'm not sure why you would want to take such risks with your kids. Unless you are close to certain that it will be a success, I would advise all parents considering this to strongly reconsider. There is no denying that there are values that kids will only inculcate in Israel, and connections and depth that they will only develop in Israel. But parents must ask themselves whether it's worth putting their children through such a potentially painful experience, in many cases only to see it backfire later on.
(4) Anonymous, November 9, 2008 1:41 PM
American communities in Israel?
I wish you lots of hatzlacha, and thanks for writing these articles. We also plan aliyah, and I don't know Hebrew well, etc. but we are looking at an English-speaking community like Ramat Beit-Shemesh. Did the author consider these communities (I really want to gather info for my future aliyah, and don't mean to critize at all! I am so impressed and really enjoy your chronicals). In Ramat Beit-Shemesh a friend we visited said that 80% of her daughter's class is English-speaking.
(3) jacobo lashak-korogodsky, November 9, 2008 9:22 AM
there is a elef milim book for beginners.
there is a elef milim book for beginners, and a lamatjil paper also, and you can help your children in the afternoons,learning youself with them.
(2) Tova, November 9, 2008 6:20 AM
My family moved back to Israel when I was 6 years old, an American kid who knew exactly five words in Hebrew. I was put into a class where none of the kids understood me, and I had no idea what the teachers were saying....and within 5 months I was speaking fluent Hebrew, running around and having the time of my life with my friends and keeping up with kids in class. I don't even remember when it sunk in. It just did. I cannot thank my mother enough for moving us to Israel. It changed my life and it molded who I am today. It has given me a connection with my heritage, an insane love for my people and an outlook on life that gives everything deeper meaning. I had an amazing childhood and I always felt safe and at home. We're back in the states now, but nothing will ever be Israel. It is home. I'm sure it is not easy. In fact, remembering the supermarkets on Friday afternoon, you have my deepest sympathy... but you are giving your children an amazing gift. :)
(1) Anonymous, November 9, 2008 4:38 AM
We are in a similar situation
Wow, this letter really rings home. We made Aliyah almost a year ago from South Africa. We have two sons, an 8 year old and a 2 year old. THE 2 year old initially took some time to adjust, the 8 year old seemed to adjust and then after a trip back to South Africa, and a long summer, he had to start the adjusting all over again. Only now does he seem to be settling down again and I am sure that it will all fall into place, as you say we are all in this together as a family, and together we need to make it work.