Community:
1. How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four: One to convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in, and a fourth to make a speech saying the entire Jewish people stands behind the new bulb.
2. Two men, a Jew and a Gentile, were marooned on a desert island. The Gentile immediately got to work, dragging rocks to spell out “SOS” in huge letters on the beach, gathering driftwood to build a bonfire, and thinking about ways to build a boat.
The Jew, however, merely sat on the beach and waited.
“What’s the matter with you?” the Gentile exclaimed. “Don’t you want to be rescued?”
The Jew said calmly, “Look, I live in a city with a big Jewish Federation. Last year, I donated a million dollars to them. The year before, I donated a million dollars to them. This year, wherever I am, they’ll find me!”
3. Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”
The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for Shabbat dinner. Maybe then you and my daughter would really get along – why, you might even get engaged! And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”
4. A Jew is shipwrecked and finds himself alone on an island in the middle of the ocean. To pass the time, he first builds a house, then a synagogue. Eventually, after many years, he’s constructed an entire town.
One day he is rescued, but before he leaves the island he shows his rescuers around, pointing out all the building’s he’s made. Puzzled, the rescuers ask why if there’s only one of him, he’s built two separate synagogues.
“That synagogue,” the man sneers, pointing at one of the synagogues, “that’s the one I would never step foot in!”
Praying to God
5. A man had eight o’clock reservations at a downtown restaurant. It was nearly eight and he couldn’t find a single parking spot. He circled around the block with no luck. Finally, he called out “God, please help me find a parking space!”
Still no luck.
“God, if you give me parking spot, I’ll go to shul every day.”
No spot.
“God, I’ll keep kosher!”
All of a sudden, right in front of the restaurant, a car pulled out – leaving a large parking space. Eagerly, the man maneuvered into it, while calling out, “Never mind God, I found one!”
6. All his life, Shloime hoped to win the lottery. Each week, he’d pray to God intently, pleading that this be the week he’d finally win.
For years he prayed for the lottery – but he never won.
Finally one day, in the middle of Shloime’s fervent prayers, a heavenly voice was heard in the synagogue: “Shloime, buy a ticket already!”
7. Moshe was a religious Jew who sported a hat, beard, and suit. He prayed in the synagogue every day, kept Shabbat, ate only kosher food, and gave abundantly to charity.
When Moshe turned 80, he thought, “I’ve been good all my life – let me try to have some fun.”
He went to a barber and shaved off his beard. He took off his hat, and bought some jeans and a tee shirt. He bought a brand new convertible too, drove to Las Vegas, and was cruising the strip, when – bam! A truck hit Moshe’s new convertible.
As Moshe lay in the wreckage, he called out “God! I’ve been a good Jew my whole life! I know I slipped a little the past few weeks, but did you really have to do this to me?”
“Moshe?” a Heavenly voice called out, full of concern. “Moshe – is that you? I didn’t recognize you!”
8. Rachel is a very religious woman. One day, a local river bursts its banks and floods her town. The mayor warns everyone to leave. Everyone panics and starts evacuating except for Rachel, who says God will save her.
Soon, the water has filled her first floor, and Rachel goes up to a second story window. A rescuer passes by in a rowboat and offers to help Rachel leave, but she says no – God will save her.
Next, the water rises even further and Rachel clambers up on her roof. A helicopter passes and a rescuer offers to take Rachel away, but she refuses, explaining that God will save her.
Finally, the water rises even higher and Rachel drowns. She goes to Heaven, where she comes face to face with God and asks, “Why didn’t you save me?”
“I tried,” explains God. “First I sent you an evacuation order from the mayor, but you didn’t listen. Then I sent you a rescuer in a rowboat and you didn’t listen. Then I sent you a rescue helicopter – and still you ignored me!”
Absurdity
9. When God was creating the world, He told the angels He was going to create an extra-special place called Israel. He described the beautiful hills, the verdant fields, the wonderful springs and rivers He planned to create. Then He described how the people who lived there would be smart and resourceful, and would create great cities, wonderful art, and amazing scientific innovations.
“Won’t the rest of the world be jealous, God, putting so many wonderful things inside Israel?” the angels fretted.
“Don’t worry,” said God, “wait until the world sees the neighbors I’m giving them!”
10. Through the centuries, Jews have sometimes dealt with the terrible persecution they faced by using humor as a coping mechanism. In some cultures this grim-edged ability to poke fun at the absurdity of a situation might be called having a graveyard sense of humor. In Yiddish, it's called "a bitterer gelekhter", or laughing through tears. While some jokes born out of tragedy, like this one, might seem irreverent, this type of joke helped Jews cope with reality of their situation using humor, the ultimate stress reducer.
Two hundred years ago in Poland, a town’s Jews were in a panic: a Christian girl had been found murdered, and the Jews were worried they’d be blamed for the crime.
The town’s rabbi called a special meeting to discuss the situation. Just as everyone was sitting down, a Jewish townsman ran into the hall. “I have wonderful news!” he told the gathering. “The murdered girl was Jewish!”
11. A woman called the switchboard of a hospital and asked how Mrs. Schwartz in room 102 was doing. The switchboard operator put her on hold for a minute, then came back and reported: “Mrs. Schwartz in room 102 is doing very well! Why, just this morning her lab work came back and everything is normal. Her doctor is pleased and says she will be able to go home next week.”
“Hurray!” shouted the caller.
“You must be a relative to be so happy,” observed the switchboard operator.
“No,” explained the caller, “I’m Mrs. Schwartz in room 102. Nobody tells me anything!”
Visit Jewlarious.com’s joke page for hundreds of Jewish jokes.
(10) Ian Cannon, February 7, 2019 6:01 PM
Unlucky Fella!
One day,many years ago, during the troubles in Northern Ireland,a man was driving around Belfast, when he was stopped by a masked soldier with a machine gun! He didn't know what part of town he was in,so he was very worried! The soldier in the balaklava shouted at him.... "Protestant or Catholic!?"...Well the man didn't know what to say! He thought...."If I tell him that I'm Protestant, with my luck he'll be Catholic,so I'll be a dead man...& if I tell him I'm Catholic, he'll probably be Protestant....I can't win!"...But then the guy had a brilliant thought!... He said "Neither! I'm Jewish!"....to which the masked gunman replied...."I must be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland!"?
(9) Anonymous, January 18, 2019 6:46 AM
Very nice!
Very nice! Humor is always nice even #10. Times were so bad that even if it was a jewish girl it would have been a relief. Who knows how many ppl would have been affected if it was a goy? Look at the pic with the right glasses. Btw to charlie Richmond. Nice to meet you jewish american soldier. Kol hakvod you prayed during your days in army and training. Next thats a crazy story. And quite embarressing. How meek and is your feind? But a good laugh. Thanks to all!
(8) shlomoh muendo, April 10, 2018 5:58 AM
me love it
kiss! kiss! good jokes
(7) Stevie Mick, April 9, 2018 3:07 PM
Who would have thought telling a joke would take such courage?
Thank you for the humor. Especially the dark humor. Dark humor has the power to relieve great stress when one is in a dark place.
(6) Maria Dodoc, April 9, 2018 2:38 PM
Thank You!
(5) Leslie Segeal, April 9, 2018 3:35 AM
Great
Enjoyed the jokes. Thanks.
(4) Anonymous, April 9, 2018 12:55 AM
Disgraceful joke
I was shocked in horror and upset to read such an insensitive submission to say the least after reading #10 on this “joke” list.Your readers do not deserve to be so humiliated with this sick ill-designed and poor example of "Jewish" humor.Jews have suffered with many types of deaths and tragic situations in our history. Non Jews have also suffered and ANY death lest a MURDER is not a joke. All LIVES whether Jew or not are important and should never be minimized and joked about in this manner.I realize this could also be looked at as something to "laugh" about which is what humor can do, but THIS went way too far. I was disgraced to read this.Aish is supposed to set the example with Jewish and Torah references and it is supposed to be a place to gain knowledge, wisdom, insight and education regarding the Jewish culture, the world and represent Israel as well as a viable source of inspiration and help and comfort for Jews and non Jews too.I have supported AISH for over 25 years and I find this to be ugly, prejudice in fact and very non-Jewish in the laws of kindness and respect that Jews as myself strive to keep in place through our Torah especially as far as respecting LIFE.As representatives of the Jewish faith,it should be was ashamed to have included this joke. I need have some certainty this was addressed so I can have some faith that the Aish website will correct this.Whomever wrote and submitted this horrible "joke" submission should be tasked with the responsibility to see that this was a HUGE mistake and those at AISH who ALLOWED this submission to go out to the public needs to correct this .I would accept an apology but more importantly want to see my letter here sent to the correct representative of Aish so that this type of error and horrific, insensitive "joke" will never appear again.
Anonymous, April 15, 2018 11:54 AM
look at context
I agree, all murder is bad, but you need to understand the context of where this joke originated. "200 years ago in Poland" (and even less than that), as the joke says, Jews were blamed for the deaths (whether murder or not) of Christian children. Often, these claims led to blood libels, the assertion that Jews use the blood of Christian children from matzah. As a result of these blood libels (or skipping the blood libel altogether), progroms erupted against the Jews and many were killed. The joke is saying that if the murdered child is a Jew, it is "good" because it will not result in the murder of more innocent people.
(3) Yoni, April 9, 2018 12:04 AM
I know it's a joke but ... really?
Comment on the following Joke:
10. Two hundred years ago in Poland, a town’s Jews were in a panic: a Christian girl had been found murdered, and the Jews were worried they’d be blamed for the crime.
The town’s rabbi called a special meeting to discuss the situation. Just as everyone was sitting down, a Jewish townsman ran into the hall. “I have wonderful news!” he told the gathering. “The murdered girl was Jewish!”
---------------------------------------------------
This is supposed to be funny? Jews being murdered is wonderful news? Shame on Aish for promoting this 'joke'. No one is laughing at this one.
Peter, October 21, 2018 2:55 AM
Humor in situ
Yoni, I think I understand what you mean.
This was a tear-jerker; I read the warning - 'Absurdity.' Maybe humor's potency is way underestimated.
It yielded a heartfelt pain - seeing the miserable depths they had to go out of desperation for relief in the form of humor. It's completely out of context. That they were just happy to be alive even left me hoping she was, too.
I also didn't understand why Sarah laughed when told she was going to bear a child at 90. Then, when my grandmother got to be that age, she laughed, too.
Just had to be there.
(2) Charles Richman, April 8, 2018 3:59 PM
55 years ago
RICHMAN SERVED IN THE US ARMY AT POSTS WITH NO JEWISH CHAPLAINS AND ONLY FEW OTHER JEWISH TROOPS:
I went into the US Army and served more than 8 years; 4-years active duty & then a reserve officer for 4-years. At first as an artillery executive officer, then a paratrooper, Infantry company commander, officer in charge Security for Combat Development Command, Small Arms Weapons Expert and graduated from the Military Chemical, Biological, & Radiological (CBN) School.
Prior to these assignments I went through Officer Basic Training. During Basic Training there were 41 other officers in training who lived in my barrack. Each morning, after washing, I would wake up 40 minutes prior to reveille (morning bugle call to assemble), laining Tefillin.
During the fourth week of officer’s reconnaissance training we were required to spend three nights in the field in two-man pup-tents. I weighed 134 pounds and 5’6’’ tall, my fellow officer trainee who shared our pup tent, who was not in my barrack (I did not know him, thus he never observed me praying) was assigned to share the pup-tent with me. He was a large man, about 280 pounds and 6’2” from the hills of West Virginia, and one of the nicest people you would ever want to meet. He had never met anyone Jewish.
Now picture this---At the crack of dawn on the first morning, with my back to his cot in our two soldier tent, I had just finished laining Tefillin and placing the Yad and Rosh in my Tefillin bag. My large white Tallit still covered my head down to my ankles. My West Virginia tent mate woke up to see an all-white form; he jumped out of his cot in his skivvies (shorts) ran out of the tent yelling, “ghost, ghost, ghost”; and I ran behind him through the camp of 1,200 other men who were just waking up, with my Tallit still on shouting, “It’s me Charlie, it’s me Charlie, I am not a ghost”.
Nemo, August 19, 2018 7:01 AM
Ha!
I went to basic at Ft Jackson, and was the only Jewish person in my platoon, and the idea of someone doing such a thing during a field exercise is just too much!
I always assumed people were exaggerating their reactions to online quips, but this anecdote actually had me guffaw out loud. :)
(1) Great reading!, April 8, 2018 3:16 PM
Great reading and informative