Reprinted with permission from Commentary, October 2005
Not long ago, a Manhattan rabbi stunned his congregants by informing them that the future of the Jewish people would be secured not through trips to Israel, not through the battle against anti-Semitism, and not through the continued upward mobility of Jews, but in the bedroom. What shocked his sophisticated Upper East Side audience had nothing to do with his allusion to sex; these days, it is perfectly acceptable to speak in public about intimate behavior. What is not permissible in polite Jewish company is an allusion to the decisions people make about their own family lives, or to the impact of those decisions on the ability of the Jewish community to sustain itself.
It is not as if the contours of today's demographic crisis are hidden from view. "American Jews See Population, Birthrate Drop," screamed a recent headline in the Los Angeles Times. "Low Fertility Key to 2000 Census," proclaimed a front-page story in the country's largest-circulation Jewish newspaper. By the year 2006, according to a policy institute in Israel, the American Jewish community, hitherto the world's largest, will for the first time fall behind the Jewish community of Israel in size.
Nor is it as if Jewish leaders are unalarmed. Last spring saw a series of private meetings, including one called by the president of the state of Israel, to discuss the demographic situation and what to do about it. Thus far, the result has been much hand-wringing and little action. This is hardly surprising: the problem of Jewish population decline is complex, and huge difficulties lie in ambush for any plan aimed at reversing it. But an even more intractable obstacle lies elsewhere. Until it is confronted, there is little prospect of accomplishing anything beyond hand-wringing.
Demographic Vitality
How many Jews are there in the United States? That in itself is not a simple question. Indeed, the very process of counting has become wrapped in controversy. The most recent National Jewish Population Survey (NJPS), conducted under the auspices of the federations of Jewish philanthropies in the years 2000-01 with guidance from a stellar team of scholars, was blemished by a series of polling mishaps. Damagingly, the survey stretched out over a two-year period, some data were lost, and some respondents were never asked the full battery of questions.
Even before this, however, demographers had come to an impasse over whom to count as part of the Jewish population ― a question necessitated by the increasingly porous nature of American society and the country's generally high rates of intermarriage. For example, should an individual raised as a Christian or as an adherent of an Eastern religion be considered a Jew if he or she had one Jewish parent? What if a born Christian who has never undergone any type of formal conversion asserts an identification with the victims of the Holocaust or in some way claims to have joined the Jewish people? What about the very common situation of a Gentile not married to but living in the same household with a Jew? What about the children and the grandchildren of intermarried Jews? If they were not raised as Jews, should they nevertheless be considered part of the Jewish population?
Jews are seven years older than other Americans. At least half of all marriages involving a Jew are to non-Jews.
The result of all this confusion is disagreement as to the total size of the American Jewish population. Although most scholars have settled on a figure of between 5.2 and 5.5 million, a few, counting both Jews and the Gentiles living with them, would add as many as 1.2 million more. On the basis of the consensus figure of 5.5 million, the Jewish population of the United States has, at best, remained static for the past 50 years, despite the influx during that same period of at least a half-million Jewish immigrants.
If there is debate over absolute numbers, there is far wider agreement on the patterns of behavior within the Jewish population ― behavior confirmed by dozens of community studies and separate opinion polls. Two trends are particularly telling. First, in terms of median age, Jews are seven years older than other Americans. Second, even by the most cautious figures, at least half of all marriages involving a Jew are to non-Jews. Neither trend suggests demographic vitality.
Fertility Rates
A new report by Tom W. Smith documents the first of these tendencies. Entitled ewish Distinctiveness in America: A Statistical Portrait1, it marshals considerable evidence for the relatively advanced age of the American Jewish population. Among religious groups, only liberal Protestants exceed Jews in this regard; among ethnic groups, only Americans of British ancestry do. Among Americans of all kinds, moreover, Jews have the fewest number of siblings, the smallest household size, and the second lowest number of children under eighteen at home.
Smith's study also makes plain why the Jewish age structure has become so skewed. For one thing, as the 2000-01 NJPS confirms, Jews marry later than other Americans, with the greatest disparities occurring in the age group between twenty-five and thirty-four. For Jewish women in particular, late marriage means lower rates of fertility compared with other Caucasian women ― who themselves are barely producing babies at replacement level (figured at 2.1 children). The fertility gap is especially enormous among Jewish women under the age of thirty-five; even though the gap narrows considerably over the course of the next ten years, at no point do Jewish women attain the fertility levels of their non-Jewish peers or bear children in numbers sufficient to offset population losses from natural causes.
It is true that low fertility rates among Jewish women are not a new phenomenon. Economic advancement, the availability of birth control, and rising educational achievement caused Jewish fertility to start dropping as long ago as the middle of the 19th century in Europe and later in other modernizing societies like the United States. Nor, as is well known, is the phenomenon limited to Jews, or to the U.S.; in contemporary Europe and Japan, it has reached proportions that threaten catastrophe.
Still, Jewish women in the United States are significantly less fertile than their white, Gentile counterparts. To explain this fact, the demographer Frank Mott has pointed to the extraordinary rates of educational achievement among Jewish women, who spend significantly more time than their Gentile peers in programs of higher learning. For many of them, still more childless years follow as they work to advance their careers.
Add to all this the losses sustained through the high rate of intermarriage. Once upon a time, it was thought by at least some sociologists that intermarriage could prove to be a demographic boon. In the aggregate, said the optimists, it would take fewer intermarried Jews producing children identifying themselves as Jews to result in a net gain. But nothing of the sort has happened.2
Nearly three-quarters of children raised in intermarried families go on to marry non-Jews themselves, and only 4 percent of these raise their own children as Jews.
Not only does the birth rate among intermarried Jews tend to be even lower than among in-married ones, but nearly three-quarters of children raised in intermarried families go on to marry non-Jews themselves, and only 4 percent of these raise their own children as Jews. As for their links with Jewish life, only a minority of children raised by dual-religion parents identify themselves with Judaism or with the institutions of the Jewish community. Although a number of adult children of intermarriage do express "somewhat" of a connection with the Jewish component of their identity, such feelings are rarely translated into behavior. Like their parents, most tend not to join synagogues, contribute to Jewish causes, visit Israel, or participate in Jewish rituals nearly as much as do the adult children of in-married families.
Observant Households
The cumulative effect of these demographic trends is now being felt and will only become amplified as time goes by. In a community that has long since ceased to replace its natural losses, continued low fertility rates mean that the number of children in the communal pipeline will soon drop sharply, causing a decline over the next decade in enrollments in Jewish schools and other institutions for the young. This will be further accelerated by the losses through intermarriage. Before long, as Bruce Phillips has concluded, "there will be fewer practitioners of Judaism" in the United States, and "this development will at some point become evident in the number and/or size of synagogues and other Jewish institutions."
But this brings us to the one major exception to the general rule ― namely, Orthodox Jews. Not only do the Orthodox suffer many fewer losses from intermarriage, but their fertility rate is far above the Jewish norm. As against the overall average of 1.86 children per Jewish woman, an informed estimate gives figures ranging upward from 3.3 children in "modern Orthodox" families to 6.6 in Haredi or "ultra-Orthodox" families to a whopping 7.9 in families of Hasidim. These numbers are, of course, difficult to pin down definitively, but anecdotal evidence is compelling. In a single year, according to a nurse at one hospital in the Lakewood, New Jersey area serving a right-wing Orthodox population, 1,700 babies were born to 5,500 local families, yielding a rate of 358 births per thousand women. (The overall American rate is 65 births per thousand women.)
The statistical evidence behind these birthrates is laid out in the 2000-01 NJPS. Orthodox adults are younger on average than other American Jews, with more than half falling between the ages of eighteen and forty-four. As for children eighteen and under, these make up 19 percent of the Orthodox community; the figure for the total American Jewish community (including the Orthodox) is only 12 percent.
It does not take a prophet to discern the eventual impact of these trends. The Orthodox are the smallest of the three major denominations; in numbers, the Conservative and Reform movements far outstrip them. But among synagogue-affiliated Jews, the Orthodox sector contains more children than either of the other two. If the Orthodox continue to retain the loyalties of their young people, as they have mostly done over the past 30 or 40 years, they will become an ever larger, more visible, and better represented part of the total community, and will be in a position to insist on a larger share of communal expenditures ― as some Orthodox leaders are already doing.
But what accounts for the high fertility rates of Orthodox Jews? It is certainly true that they marry much earlier than other Jews. Almost two-thirds of Orthodox women are wed by the age of twenty-five, and 90 percent by thirty-five. (For Conservative women, the comparable figure at age twenty-five is 9 percent, for Reform women 3 percent, and for women who identify themselves as "just Jewish" 14 percent; by age thirty-five, only slightly over half of Reform women are married.)3 These Orthodox women go on to bear children at a younger age, and to have larger families.
But this just begs the question of causation; something is at work to produce those figures. It is hardly enough to say, as some do, that the Orthodox lag behind the rest of the Jewish population in levels of educational attainment. That is emphatically not the case with the modern Orthodox, and it is less and less the case in the Haredi community. Nor has the fact that Orthodox women are pursuing higher education and entering the labor force in large numbers impeded their determination to marry young and bear children.
A recent class exercise at an academically-oriented, modern-Orthodox day school in Manhattan may offer some insight here. The assembled fifteen-year-olds, boys and girls alike, were asked how many children they themselves hoped to have. Only two gave two as their ideal number, and none wanted fewer than that. A large majority named four. Whether all of these young people will actually follow through on their stated aspirations is not the point; the point is the aspirations themselves. It is unlikely that a similar exercise would yield the same results in Jewish schools of other denominations.
In brief, we are in the realm of norms and values. Orthodox communal culture encourages child-bearing, and has more thoroughly insulated itself from the "substantial downward pressures" that, in the reasonable judgment of Frank Mott, are currently depressing the overall size of the Jewish population ― and that may themselves be the results of a rather different value system.
Intermarriage Effect
Remarkably, there has been little inquiry into any of these matters ― that is, into why so many in the Jewish community are remaining single, or are having smaller families, or are intermarrying. In light of the pain expressed by many Jews about what has happened within their own families, this willed ignorance is in itself shocking. Thirty- and forty-year-old singles speak freely of their loneliness, and their inability to meet eligible Jewish mates. Because of late marriages, huge numbers of Jewish couples are struggling with infertility or with the difficulties of finding babies to adopt. Parents of adult children cannot fathom why their offspring are still living alone or moving from one transitory relationship to the next. Tens of thousands of families are trying to cope with the consequences of intermarriage or find themselves at a loss to explain to their children why, even though an uncle or aunt is married to a Gentile, it is not all right to consider "interdating."
No doubt, many feel there is not much to be said about any of this ― that the twin trends of low fertility and high intermarriage are forces of nature, not to be questioned but merely endured. Besides, one can always point to the larger social forces at work, from the sexual revolution, to the felt economic need to maintain dual-career marriages, to the obsessive quest for success, to a predisposition among the best-educated to regard family itself as a suspect category and child-rearing as a chore best left to others, to the triumph of the cult of individualism and freedom of personal choice, and so forth.
The litany is well-known, and its constituent elements have surely affected Jews as much as anyone else. In fact, to judge by the figures cited above, they have affected Jews more than others. But, precisely because that is so, it is useful to consider the particular beliefs and social values embraced by the majority of American Jewish families.
Tom Smith's study of distinctiveness is a good place to start. His surveys demonstrate, for example, that American Jews are exceptional in the emphasis they place on raising independent-minded children. Asked to rank the relative importance of five values to be passed on to the next generation, overwhelming numbers identify their highest priority as the ability to "think for himself or herself," far more than those naming "working hard" or "obedience."
That no other ethnic group shows results like these is a finding in which many Jews would undoubtedly express pride. But there is surely a price to be paid for this unmodulated emphasis on independent-mindedness. At least in part, it has been paid in the coin of group allegiance and even of fidelity to one's own parents when it comes to things like marriage and family. The same can be said for the value that Jews place upon education. Although this certainly accounts for their disproportionate presence at top-tier colleges and universities, it, too, is pursued at the cost of other values.
An outfit called the Curriculum Initiative has estimated the number of Jewish children enrolled in private prep schools at 50,000. Many of these private schools are under Christian auspices. When asked to explain their choice, parents regularly extol the extraordinary education their children are receiving. They may well be right about that; but choosing one course of action entails rejecting another. A report by the National Study of Youth and Religion notes the extent to which young Jews fall behind every other American group in religious identification and practice. Young people well understand their parents' priorities ― and live them out.
Marriage Motivators
These particular trends may seem relatively easy to explain; others are more opaque. Take the spiraling intermarriage rates. To the extent that these are understood at all, they are generally ascribed to two factors. The first is that Americans in general think nothing these days of crossing ethnic and religious boundaries in marriage; the second is that, for Jews, intermarriage is the natural result of a great blessing, namely, the radical diminution of anti-Semitism in American society. Both explanations focus on trends beyond the control of Jews and therefore requiring no response.
In fact, however, we know very little about how Jewish men and women actually regard each other and why so many of them opt to date or to marry non-Jews. Is it true, as one hears, that Jewish men do not want to marry someone who reminds them of their mother, or that Jewish women do not want to marry someone who reminds them of their father? And if it is, why have they only recently begun acting on this disinclination in such massive numbers? Might it be the reverse ― that, for example, Jewish men want to marry someone more like their mother than the typical young Jewish woman of today, and that Gentile women happen to fit the bill?
Similar questions might be asked about the decisions of young Jews when they think about forming a family. What values and beliefs correlate with delayed marriage? How is it that Jewish adults who have themselves grown up in intact homes, and whose parents' enduring togetherness might be thought to serve as a positive model, nonetheless choose to remain single? Despite the vital relevance of such questions to the future of the Jewish community, they have gone unexplored.
The outlook of the organized Jewish community has been characterized mostly by denial.
In the meantime, the outlook of the organized Jewish community has been characterized mostly by denial. Faced with irrefutable evidence of demographic decline, communal leaders have worked to "reframe" the discussion. The reframing goes like this: the Jewish population should be seen not as hemorrhaging, but rather as evolving new forms of expression. Yes, today's Jews are choosing to behave differently from Jews in the past, but, if treated with dignity and respect, they will surely return to play a positive role within the community. Yes, Jews are intermarrying at high rates, but if intermarried couples are offered a more welcoming environment, they will participate gladly in Jewish activities and both they and their offspring will come to identify strongly with Jewish life. Yes, Jews are producing fewer children, but what counts is quality, not quantity. Yes, fewer Jews are affiliating with synagogues and other communal institutions, but eliminating exclusionary and inhospitable attitudes will cause the situation to reverse itself.
The challenge of demographic decline, then, is to be met by inclusiveness, pluralism, and a welcoming atmosphere. The worse the decline has grown, the more fervently has this mantra been invoked ― and not just invoked, but acted upon. Here, for example, is a "Statement on Human Sexuality" issued in 1998 by the rabbinate of the Reform movement:
In our age, the traditional notion of family as being two parents and children (and perhaps older generations) living in the same household is in the process of being redefined. Men and women of various ages living together, singles, gay and lesbian couples, single-parent households, etc., may be understood as families in the wider, if not traditional sense. "Family" also has multiple meanings in an age of increasingly complex biotechnology and choice...
Having thus radically expanded the definition of a Jewish family to accommodate what it calls "contemporary secular norms," the statement goes on to encourage "adults of all ages and physical and mental capabilities to develop expressions of their sexuality that are both responsible and joyful." Never once, however, does it encourage Jews to marry, or even mention that marriage is the one element previously thought to be the sine qua non of Jewish sexual expression and family life.
A second document, this one issued by the Reconstructionist rabbis, also avoids an endorsement of marriage as a Jewish ideal. "Contemporary liberal Jews," it states, "affirm the equality of both partners and understand that it is the obligation of each partner to treat the other with dignity. It is the qualities of mutual respect, trust, and love that we consider the fundamental attributes of loving partnerships." Marriage, disparaged elsewhere in the document as "historically a relationship of two unequal parties," evidently fails to meet these criteria. While praising the family "as the primary, stable unit of intimacy," the statement quickly adds that "many old and new kinds of families can fulfill these values."
Not much detective work is needed to discover the impulse behind these rejections of traditional Jewish teachings. In order to welcome Jews who live in unconventional family arrangements, and in particular to eliminate any negative judgment of gays and lesbians, the rabbis have rushed to scuttle what Judaism has always held about the centrality of marriage. They have done so, moreover, largely in order to address the discomfort, real or imagined, of the 1 or 2 percent of the Jewish population that is gay or lesbian, slighting their duty to instruct the other 98 percent on the Jewish understanding of sexuality and family. The same drive to offer hospitality at any cost ― together with a rote allegiance to the supposed legacy of the civil-rights movement and the demands of "equality" ― motivates the several hundred rabbis who now officiate at so-called interweddings.
Working Assumption
The obvious damage here is to the integrity of Judaism and to two millennia of Jewish preachment. In the case of intermarriage, there is also a subtler consequence. The fact is that Jewish men have consistently outpaced Jewish women as intermarriers. This means that Jewish women wishing to marry confront a shrinking pool of potential Jewish mates. The result in female behavior can be seen quite vividly in the figures gathered by the 2000-01 NJPS.
In the 1960's, when rates of intermarriage first began to take off, many more Jewish men than Jewish women married non-Jewish spouses; in the 1970's, Jewish women caught up with and overtook them. In the 1980's, the men spurted ahead again, and in the early 1990's they were again matched by women. We are now in the next spin of an upward spiral: intermarriage rates for Jewish men in the late 1990's once more exceeded the rates for Jewish women; before the end of this first decade of the 21st century, as the pool of marriageable Jewish men shrinks still further, we can expect to see still another spike in the rate of intermarrying Jewish women.
Many of the rabbis who perform intermarriages claim to be ardent champions of women. To what are they contributing, however, and what are they abetting? In this area, too, there is no lack of testimony to the damaged lives of actual people. Jewish newspapers around the country have carried personal articles by women lamenting the paucity of Jewish men to marry. At public gatherings, women speak bitterly of being driven to look for non-Jewish mates, and of deciding to do so as long as they have some assurance that their children can be raised as Jews. A small but growing number have taken the extraordinary step of bearing children through artificial insemination, and reportedly some, in the name of Jewish continuity, have contemplated asking the organized community to support their choice financially.
The working assumption of Jewish officialdom seems to be that the acceptance and encouragement of every kind of "family arrangement" will insure that Jewish life will thrive. This is not only a gross distortion of Judaism, it is palpably false. Under the banner of unconditioned equality, the needs of the affiliated are ignored, and the overall Jewish population continues to contract.
But ― one can imagine the scoffing reply ― can anyone seriously believe that contrary declarations by rabbis or communal leaders would have any salutary impact on behavior? By refusing to officiate at intermarriages, would rabbis reduce the incidence of such marriages in the slightest? If Jewish organizations undertook actively to encourage young Jews to marry and raise children, would anyone pay attention?
Until other sectors speak boldly of Judaism's truly countercultural ideas, they will lose the next generation.
This line of thinking is the necessary counterpart to the mantra of inclusiveness, and now passes for realism in much of the Jewish organizational world. If nothing else, however, the exceptionalism of Orthodox Jews suggests what is wrong with it. Beliefs, communal norms, and expectations do in fact play a powerful role in shaping behavior ― not overnight, but over time. The pro-natalism of the Orthodox community was a policy deliberately nurtured over the decades through an educational system, through countless sermons and homilies by Orthodox rabbis, and through inculcating in generations of young Jews the positive value of standing apart from those "contemporary secular norms" to which the authors of the "Statement on Human Sexuality" appeal for validation.
In the face of today's secular norms, the Orthodox call on an additional source of strength: the power of Jewish norms and obligations. Until other sectors of the community are prepared to speak boldly and forthrightly about Judaism's truly countercultural ideas, they will continue to lose larger and larger numbers of the next generation, and to face a smaller and smaller future.
1Based on surveys conducted by the National Opinion and Research Center, the report was released earlier this year by the American Jewish Committee.
2In what follows I draw from the as yet unpublished research of the sociologist Bruce Phillips.
3 These figures, based on the 2000-01 NJPS, were provided to me by Dr. Laurence Kotler-Berkowitz of the United Jewish Communities.
Reprinted from COMMENTARY, October 2005, by permission; all rights reserved
(51) Concerned Soul, August 10, 2017 2:55 PM
High time all Jews make Aliyah!
It's high time all Jews make Aliyah to Israel. Israel is the only save place for Jews to prosper and protect their genetic heritage. Living in a multiethnic country is suicide. Its already a clear thing in the eyes of the aware ones. Aliyah should be encouraged more and more and should be made more serious.
(50) kenny bop, September 6, 2015 8:00 PM
small families
We Jews keep having smaller and smaller families. We are causing our own demise. You cannot sustain a healthy race of people without having a healthy number of offspring. the Rabbi is totally correct and truthfull
(49) kenny bop, November 23, 2014 1:22 PM
jewish population
we jews are fading away cause we have the lowest birthrate in the civilized world. if we don't begin to have large families be will slowly fade away from society
(48) Pres Engle, October 14, 2013 1:49 PM
Jewish fertility
I am Jewish, not Orthodox, and I have 8 children...G-d said to be fruitful and multiply...Children are a blessing from G-d. They are like arrows in a man's quiver, and blessed is the man whose quiver is full....as the Psalmist wrote....I feel very blessed.
Anonymous, November 14, 2013 3:25 PM
you are an incredible blip on the screen without any peers to demonstrate otherwise
You have a neshama that is for all purposes orthodox, just with some other fine tuning required. You are no doubt an oddity if you have many non-ortho freinds and should be lucky enough to be emulated by those around you who want quality in life, not their usual artificial quantity- cars, vacations, big war chest and unlimited other indulgences. Imagine a young con-rabbi in the 60's preaching zero population growth!
Imagine rabbis who spoke adnauseum about every subject except the need to have more than 2 kids!
It's called Jewish malpractice and continues to this day.
Perhaps it's G-d's way of eliminating the jews who morph away from Torah and Jewish basics.
If 4/5s died in Egypt not being worthy of a future life,
is this any different?
keep up the good, hard work and realize that your historical investment and roi will be insured with continuing observances- the kids need it more than you think.
Pres Engle, February 18, 2014 6:16 PM
Reply to anonymous
Thank you for your kind words. I have indeed been studying Torah, and feel so connected with my more Orthodox brethren than ever. You have no idea the kind of persecution we have received for having such a large family. The smirks, the sarcastic responses. I have learned to laugh it off. G-d has blessed me mightily, and if Hashem is the source of my blessing then what do I care what others say or think. Hashem is my defender! Baruch Hashem
(47) kennybop, February 23, 2013 10:13 PM
true
the Rabbis's statement is 1000 per cent true. end of statement
(46) Anonymous, January 8, 2013 9:40 PM
Hillel and Birthright Israel programs
It is not all gloom and doom. Let's not forget the outreach programs for Jewish College students such as Hillel and Birthright Israel programs. My son's college 's Jewish population as increased from 2% to 9%. The Hillel is very active and he will be going on a Birthright Israel program eventually. I have met Jewish people who had no Religious Upbringing or were from interfaith marriages who now consider themselves Jewish due to these programs. And let's not forget the online Jewish dating websites and Speedating which has created a lot of Shidduchs. However, it used to be that mainly Cultural and unaffiliated Jews would intermarry. I am sorry to see that I see so many affiliated and self-identifying Jews intermarry and they see nothing wrong with it. Also, it is not just Jewish women that have trouble finding Jewish men. My husband too said he and other Jewish men had trouble meeting Jewish women.
(45) Anonymous, January 7, 2013 9:44 PM
Alienating our own kind
"As for their links with Jewish life, only a minority of children raised by dual-religion parents identify themselves with Judaism or with the institutions of the Jewish community." Why, is this? Well, while judaism REJECTS all children born to male Jews who married out (not female Jews) other religions are only too happy to embrace them. I speak from experience, my Uncle once sat next to a rabbi on a flight and proudly announced, My father is Jewish, he was admonished in such a way, that I am forbidden to speak of Judaism - he married a Catholic. The numbers sepak for themselves, in my own family, I am one of 77 descendants of a levi who married out, of the 77, two of us are Jewish via Orthodox Conversion. i think it is time that the Rabbinate were less punishing and rejecting of those of us chosing conversion with A Jewish Ancestry..... for our brothers we are not jewish enough, yet, prior to conversion, I would have been Jewish enough to join my brothers in the cattle cars to the camps. Where there is intermarriage, the jewish parent must be responsible for educating their children and again, our community, must embarce these children and not shun and reject them !
Anonymous, November 14, 2013 3:47 PM
Dean Anon-
you know that if you want to become a reasonably good doctor, there's a minimum course load and comprehension/tests required. The same can be said for wanting to hit those keys on a keyboard and not force people to run for their lives or to put their fingers in their ears. engineering bridges, filling a whole in a tooth, all require a minimal discipline and if you try to cut corners, no one will pay you and you could end up being sued for malpractice! regardless of your lineage to Leviim, if you can't quite understand that Judaism has its time honored and honed prerequisites, passed down from 1 generation to the next you missed out on some vital lessons in life. If you can't imagine that the Jewish 'Set" is so much more overwheming and clearly defined than anything the A MA, or ADA has ever promulgated, you relegate the essence of G-d, Torah, and our people to a 'team' or a cause or a religion that mimics others. something is missing.
If you think that Jews are 'punishing', open up your other eye and see things in perspective of our history,
our Contractual Agreement and realize a certain degree of tough love is meted out not by us but G-d
who calls the shots. You obviously are understandibly subjective in this matter and some learning truths might set you back on track. By the way, the Nazi method of determining 'who is a Jew' is not a Jewish standard! Good luck in trying to further cultivate your Jewish neshama and realize that the Jewish "test" is the hardest one in this world and.............
the most rewarding.
(44) Frank Adam, January 24, 2012 3:37 PM
Marriage and congregations are also for welfare
Till very recently all welfare was dealt with by congregations or the extended family and its bush telegraph of connections and influence. The sheer prosperity and dispersal of industrial society has "nationalised" this and the strength of modern nationalism steamrollered itself into the primary identity. Formal congregational religion was always about more than the Glory of God and these welfare, education and identity functions have migrated to the state and the sports team while left overs are community singing as parodied in "Brave New World" and gossipy snobberies. For those to whom the God side of religion is still credible and serious business it is not surprising that they do more than just have a nice get together for prayers and simchot. But the corollary is make the God and survival side serious to all again - and being Jewish not just to be fuel for another Shoah.
(43) ABD RAZAK ABU BAKAR, April 10, 2011 6:21 AM
While the number of Jews are said to be decreasing, based on the above article, the number of Muslims are increasing. Well, it is not the number that counts, but faith. Almost all the systems that mankind rely on are said to be Jewish motivated, thanks to their superiority in knowledge creation and applications. This is indeed a jihad on the part of the Muslims to prove the superiority of al-Quran, the holy book for all the mankind.
Alpha, July 11, 2018 10:39 PM
Demographics matter, not just faith
The faith of the Shaker movement was very strong. Strong enough to lead them to lead the celebate lives their faith required. Yet there are no more shakers. You need replication to have a continuing population. Faith alone does not replace the work and effort it takes to have children and raise children. The loss of the non-believing Cultural Jews to intermarriage, political Progressivism, and exceptionally low birth rates will remove that wing of Jews from the population as surely as the Shaker's celebacy did, just somewhat more slowly.
(42) Anonymous, April 7, 2011 8:12 AM
I hear hypocrisy...
"Tens of thousands of families are trying to cope with the consequences of intermarriage or find themselves at a loss to explain to their children why, even though an uncle or aunt is married to a Gentile, it is not all right to consider interdating." Wow. You want to know why the young Jewish generation is interested in non-Jews? Probably partly because they're tired of hearing lines like these. Replace the word 'Jew' with 'white,' and "Gentile" with 'black,' 'asian,' 'non-white,' or 'Jew' and this article would sound like nothing short of some neo-Nazi member trying to push a eugenics agenda. You are taking the same type of hate and alienation that has been used against the Jewish people and directing it on others. Not only do I see this in the issue of marriage and dating, but in middle east politics as well. I understand that there is a desire to keep the Jewish tradition alive -- but alienation and snobbery is not the way to do it.
Anonymous, April 12, 2012 10:00 PM
good post
the above post is excellent; I, too, have seen the israelis engage in eugenicist and racist talk that they pillory in others. Beyond that, I don't see the jews fading away: they have immense wealth and power and access to the latest in reproductive technologies; there is way too much alarmism - and chauvinism - in this article and it is misleading as a result.
(41) Anonymous, April 6, 2011 2:36 AM
Alienating your own kind
I like how this article looked at various sides of the issue instead of blaming it all on intermarriage. I’m the product of an intermarriage family. My mother converted to Judaism before I was born, and my father’s family is fully Jewish. I live in Toronto, Canada, I’m in my late 20’s, never married, childless, well educated, employed, well-rounded, and generally a nice guy. However, for my entire life, I have been told that; “I don’t look Jewish”, “I’m not white so I’m not Jewish”, or that “there is no way I could be Jewish because of my dark skin”, or because my mother was not originally Jewish. These ignorant and racist comments mostly come from European Jews who act as if they are police officers on the hunt for Jewish imposters. I was once on a date with a Jewish girl who also came from an intermarriage family, who told me to my face that I was not really Jewish! Ironically, whenever I travel to Israel, I can easily pass for an Israeli and I’m welcomed with open arms. I have never felt unwelcome in Israel, but feel totally alienated and disliked by Jews in Toronto. I have made an effort on several occasions to find my place within the Jewish community, but it has left me more alienated, frustrated and angry with them. Like Kate who commented below, I have also given up and have chosen to only date non-Jewish women. You can only take rejection so many times.
Susan, April 10, 2011 1:13 AM
I have been told that; “I don’t look Jewish”,
I have been told that; “I don’t look Jewish”, by many, many elder Jeish women. All I can figure is that it is because I am white and light haired and spent too many years in Germany to be alble to play Jewish-geography in the USA.
yaakov Werner, February 9, 2012 8:42 PM
find your purpose
shalom my brother,,,,even though all you say could be real as it is real in your life.. bring that spark of jewish life in your life. Just because some people may say that i'm intelligent or stupid it doesn't make it so..it's U what it counts and u count with am yesrael ....don't look for excuses and reasons because they r so many just look at r people in history and not too long ago during the shoah...do what u have to do -love hashem with all your heart and soul...through your life-remember we just don't for ourselves hashem's blessings come through our family and children you r example of that. Believe me there's plenty of jewish woman all over the world..remember that a lot of american woman have been taugh the values of femmenism,total secular thinking and so on, lot of those would not be in with the new generation of jews....love your God and your people ..may hashem bless u and give u wisdom ...after that happiness comes . Shalom alechem
Anonymous, January 7, 2013 9:53 PM
I apologise
I apologise to you for the rejection you have suffered, you sould like a quality person who should have no difficulty in finding a person WORTHY of you. As for the people who doubted your Jewishishness and the girl who stated you are not Jewish, B R E A T H E and say "lucky escape form that one" !!! i have two biracial Jewish friends, they are the most beautiful girls, both inside and out .... ask the Ed for my email address !!
(40) Anonymous, April 5, 2011 8:16 PM
Realistic Reasons why?
1. Pursuit of career, material things, wealth above and beyond anything else. 2. Family upbringing not teaching importance of building a family and lack of family values. 3. Kids are spoiled, not taught proper values.
(39) nq, April 5, 2011 5:30 PM
The other side of the river
I confess, I found this article tediously long, much like current baseball articles filled with unending "new age" statistics. But I know my lying eyes, and it's more than merely alarmist - and pointless - to claim that American Jewry is headed towards extinction. It's silly and entirely wrong. Minimalist Jewry, maybe, although even that notion is shortsighted. Because there is a rapidly-growing group of Judeo-Americans who are replacing the Exitjews: The black-hat orthodox Jewish communities, Not ony replacing - and substantially increasing - the numbers, but also substantially strengthening the ties to Yiddishkeit. More serious than intermarriage is Exitjew anti-semitism. Maybe spending so much time among the Exitjews at JTS has warped your perspective. Come over to Brooklyn some time. You might learn something.
Anonymous, July 11, 2018 10:43 PM
Both statements are true
I do not think American Jews are headed to extinction precisely because the Orthodox, ultra-Orthodox and Hasidim are increasing at a significant rate. I do think that the non-believing "cultural" Jews who embrace Progressivism and the concept of the state as God instead of Judaism, who eschew the core elements of the religious are on a slope to extinction - but one that will take a few generations to complete.
(38) Steve, April 5, 2011 8:37 AM
Guys: buy her some flowers, just because.
I am an older single guy. 90 percent of the Jewish population is reform. Indeed, I was brought up in the "reform tradition". They're no longer Jews, they're liberals. It is the second coming of Shabti Zve. By rational analysis I calculate that there are between 30 and 300 politicaly conservative reform Jewish women of child bearing age in the continental United States. Our reward for embracing extra stress is an increase in the IQ of our children. Happy, secure and contented spouses have lower cortisol, which is a neurotoxin. Our laws and customs are all designed to give our mates confidence, that yes, we really will cherish and care for them. How well can this work? Around 1900 there was a family named Sidis. Both parents were college professors and they made a conscious decision to do the best job possible in raising their child. How did they do? His IQ was estimated at between 250 and 300.
(37) Kate, April 3, 2011 9:51 PM
Welcoming?
I understand the author's point that Orthodox Jews are less likely to marry out, and more likely to have larger families, and this is wonderful... however the reality is that we live as part of a larger culture, and trends towards intermarriage and/or people drifting away from organized religion are reflection of the place that Jews have as one of many groups who are accepted in a larger culture. As long as our larger societies are open and we as Jews can participate and flourish in them, these trends will continue. I believe that one of the biggest contributing factors in the slipping numbers is related to the failure of organized Jewish religion to accept and welcome people who are Jewish products of the secular culture. In my case - I'm single, childless, highly educated, employed, own my own home, fit, and generally quite a pleasant person. The Jewish community in my city is apparently quite insular and has been nothing short of unwelcoming from the time I introduced myself. The only reason I've been given is that I don't LOOK Jewish enough (red hair and light skin! how awful for me). I tried repeatedly to be a part of the community, but they would grill me to determine my background, then snub and/or ignore me. After trying several times I've given up. Now I'm dating a nice man from the Caribbean. His community and family accept me even though I look and believe differently - and that acceptance feels wonderful. If I am blessed with children in the future I would really have to think hard before I brought them into the Jewish community - simply because I wouldn't want them to experience the rejection I've faced.
(36) Anonymous, June 30, 2010 10:30 PM
Don't know
its really very scary when you know people personally who are thinking about intermarriage. I have someone who I am very close to, who recently told me she is dating a non-Jew. I know her well, and I know she knows all the logical arguments why she should marry a Jew, yet she told me she is considering not marrying a Jew. It becomes an emotional thing. the only way to prevent intermarriage is to prevent the emotional bond from forming to begin with. once it's there, all left to do really is to daven.
(35) Matthew, May 5, 2010 3:20 AM
Expand the definition of Jewishness please..
I'd rather see a practical Judaism promote a love and pride in Jewishness among the newer more diverse generation, than a generation of dissillusioned young jews who only see a culture of overbearing mothers and officious rabbis obsessed with tribal purity and jewish phenotypes. Tradition and faith in Jewish values are more significant and acceptable to our modern liberal society- more so than high maintenance family tree obsessions. Judaism can only adapt to this phenomenon of modernity. if it resists modern values without confronting them, negotiating with them, or adapting to them, Judaism will fizzle out.
(34) Monica Waldron, March 29, 2008 4:36 PM
Jewish Birthrate
Living in the city of Elmira NY there are few single available Jewish men for single women like myself. What are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to find a Mensch in a community that has only two congregations with very smalls memberships? I would like to marry a jewish man, yet at the rate I am going I will end up with a Gentile due to the fact there are no other options for me.
nq, April 5, 2011 5:34 PM
Woe is me
If it really meant anything to you to marry a Jewish man, you'd move to a city with a Jewish population. Quit whining. Fish or cut bait.
(33) Anonymous, July 10, 2006 12:00 AM
Jack Wertheimer said it, and we need to listen. With respect to Mr. Wertheimer, please allow me to build upon what he said.
In the 1950s and 1960s, some demographers who studied the Jewish community were predicting a meltdown in the Jewish community. Their predictions were quite alarming. Without getting into the details (many of which I don't recall off the top of my head), they were predicting the near total dissappearance of the American Jewish community.
When it came to the causes of this meltdown, the demographers were probably correct: intermarriage (not a crisis until later, but still a problem; and their prediction of a radical increase in intermarriage rates was right on the money), lack of committment, and fewer children.
Now, nearly two generations later, we can appreciate how wise these demographers were! Of course, many people decried their findings as alarmist, and said that people had been predicting this disappearance for many years, and it never happened.
But the bottom line is that the predicted meltdown is happenening, and if anything, quicker than anyone anticipated. One of the reasons why this meltdown is so hard to see is the growth of orthodoxy, which as Mr. Wertheimer says, is the only sector of the American Jewish community, not just paying lip-service to Jewish continuity, but actually succeeding in doing something about it.
The demographers in the 1950s and 1960s were smart, but they were not prophets. They could not have predicted the tremendous growth of orthodoxy in 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s.
Were it not for that, the Jewish community would arguably already be extinct in many American cities where it currently thriving.
But as I said before, the meltdown is most definately happening. Secular Jews are disappearing for all the reasons given in the 1950s and 1960s. I have heard that within 30 years from now, or less, there will be more orthodox Jews in America than secular Jews. This is truly amazing as even now there are probably a few million secular Jews in the US, as opposed to less than one million orthodox Jews (as Mr. Wertheimer points out, it is difficult to place too much faith in these numbers)
What does this mean? It means that the American Jewish community will be increasingly committed, but much smaller. This is both good and bad. The loss of so many neshamas, is of course, a tagedy beyond words. It is of scant comfort that instead of the Jewish community being a mile wide and an inch deep, it will be an inch wide, but a mile deep.
It is interesting to note that the 2004 presidential elections, for the first time, the orthodox Jewish vote was treated as a significant factor, as opposed to the general Jewish vote.
I would appreciate seeing other comments people may have to what I wrote.
Thank you.
(32) Rachel, December 11, 2005 12:00 AM
A hint on why we're not married
The article questions why young single "choose not to marry" or "marry out". As a young single, having spoken to many other about the issue I will suggest two obvious factors.
1) If we could meet a person we would be happily married to, we already would be. There is much more to getting married than just wanting to!
2) Some marry out, because, after years of dating other Jews without success, and sincerely desiring a family, they give up on finding their bashert & settle for intermarriage.
It is tough and lonely in the singles scene....I have no answers for the problem aside from faith & perseverance to find your bashert...but those who blame the single person should be symapthetic to us that it is not for lack of trying, or misordered priorities, that we have not yet found someone.
Anonymous, April 5, 2011 5:46 PM
No matter how you slice it---
---that's just baloney. "tough and lonely"?! honey, you're not going to find your "bashert" among the non-Jews. Just more diluted compromise. And surrender of your millenia-old heritage, identity and impetus. After all these courageous millenia and struggles, are you really sure that your dating problems are compelling enough for you to be the first in your ages-old biological line to sever your lifeline permanently? Try growing up and examine your values.
(31) Anonymous, December 1, 2005 12:00 AM
Response to Steven Blauer
If you want to socialize, go to a country club, not a synagogue. A synagogue is a place of prayer, and the extra talking doesn't help.
Judaism is about doing mitzvos; the socializing is just a small part of that. Not everyone in synagogue is a socialite, either. Personally, I would not be the one to reach out to a new person or an old person or any person at all, that's just me, I've been burned too many times in my life.
You need to go consistently, so people see that you're not just a fly-by-night, and eventually they will warm up and approach you.
Try going to a Chabad shul, they are generally very warm and welcoming.
(30) Michael Stein, November 28, 2005 12:00 AM
Focus needs to be on Jewish continuity
I think this was an excellent, insightful comment on the state of Jewish continuity. It is a fearful prospect that we are seeing "diminishing returns" in an accepting, lesser anti-Semitic American or worldwide environment versus what our recent generations before experienced.
Education seemed to be the thrust. Inclusion, but not tossing out of traditional Jewish values!
(29) Steven Blauer, November 27, 2005 12:00 AM
Bring acceptance alive in Judaism
I am getting tired of this old bone. It's been worried to death and I don't think the "leaders" really want to know what the real reason Jews are leaving the ranks in ever increasing numbers, except the Orthodox. Very simply put, we reject Jews at every opportunity, and this article seems to want us to do more of the same. When I show up at a synagogue and am accepted, I will return time and time again. I will bring my family and friends. In Florida from nobody attending services, I brought at least 3 dozen people to services and most of them still attend and many of them are dues paying members. I was fortunate to find a couple of synagogues that really put out their hands to newcomers, most did not, and you can tell why they have a dwindling population, most of the people attending were older, no longer having children and rejecting younger people. I have not felt accepted at any synagogue where I live in San Antonio, Texas. It is sad that all the main whiny branches of Judaism allowed me to attend without one single person making any effort to even say hello, most didn't even respond when I made the first overture. If you reject me you reject my friends and my children, who have their eyes open and can see that Christian churches are much more inviting to people, especially if they are Jewish people. We continue to reject others at our peril. I am usually a practicing Jew, right now I don’t see the reason to make the effort if it is going to be a lonely endeavor and that I will be rejected by the president of the San Antonio Jewish Community Center because I am not moneyed, rejected on Yom Kippur, how’s that for Jews cutting their own throats? No I am not young, but I can bring a lot to Jewish life. By the way, I lived in Los Angeles, suburban Detroit, Broward and Palm Beach counties in Florida and the rejection thing is rampant. I watched others show then go because of the rejecting nature of the community. My friends and I have always been the ones to put our hands out, but we are just too few, it will take a concerted effort on the Jewish “leaders” parts to turn the tide around, if we are sincere about saving the Jewish community in America. It’s simple; show each person love as they show up THE FIRST TIME. Do not judge them on their clothes, apparent sexual identity, appearance of money or lack of same, whether they are young or old, healthy or sick, able or crippled, accept them, don’t let them slip away because you have already done that and now you have to write articles like this one whining about the disappearance of the American Jew. If the young, marriageable age people see that there is a thriving Jewish community of acceptance and love they will show up, bring their children and instill in them love for their people, or we can keep doing what we do best, reject the poor, weak, sickly, outcast, homosexual, unattractive, the old, the young, the too orthodox, the too reform, the too conservative, the too frum, the ones seeking spiritual guidance, in other words continue rejecting everyone that doesn’t fit your pretty little packaged Judaism for the exclusive.
Anonymous, April 5, 2011 5:54 PM
I'm just too good for y'all
Wow, you must be the most overly-sensitive, narcissistic person I've eve encountered. I've lived many places in this country for many years and had open, warm receptions at every shul I ever went to, except one, a persian synagogue. Do you really think that the Jewish community is just waiting with bated breath for you to reveal yourself? Put yourself out a little and stop BEing put out. Your shallow attempt at analysis won't even fill the wading pool.
(28) Anonymous, November 26, 2005 12:00 AM
.
As a non orthadox jew myself i would love to marry a jewish man and have children. This unfortunately is not a reality. For many of us who do not have the help of a shidduch we have to fend for ourselves in the meat market that is the dating world. It is very scary for women entering their thirties still single and holding out to meet someone jewish. For a lot of us its just easier to marry non jews as there are a lot more of them around to choose from. I think that blaming young women is not the answer and more outreach to the non religious jews is essential if the Jewish people are to carry on..
Anonymous, April 5, 2011 6:03 PM
Will somebody ELSE get the phone?
The Jewish People will "carry on" just fine without people like you who find it "easier" to marry out. SURE there are more non-Jews [so what?!] - because they procreate (while engaging in too-frequent anti-Semitism). And because of Exit-jews like you who leave our people and disappear into non-history. Just don't slam the door on your way out.
(27) Adam, November 24, 2005 12:00 AM
Ignores the single crisis in Orthodoxy
To be quite honest this article really ignores the problems that are going on in Orthodxy. The higher rates are for "married" women but what percentage of Orthodox people are actually getting married. The sad part is Orthodoxy has a lot of issues too. What also I am beginning to find out is which is quite disturbing is that many antisemitic and antiamerican groups exagerate abuse statistics and engage in men bashing for no reason in order to turn women against men so they will not get married until they are fully financailly dependent which at that time they will likely be in the twilight years of fertility. They know by reducing our birth rates they can more easily take us over. If you think I am exagerating the U.N. and Amnesty International support the Violence Against Womens Act which is a one sided bill that does not take into account a womens action in the dispute in only blames the man. In fact the UN want a world court for this. The UN isn't doing this because they care about women? THey are doing it to scare women from marriage with false statistics so then they can take over the countries. You can check the website www.mediaradar.org
(26) Miriam, November 24, 2005 12:00 AM
Are Liberalism and Judaism compatable?
Most American Jews cling to their tradition of support of liberal politics where morality is a relative term defined by the culture. They would rather be part of materialistic,hedonistic, thrill-seeking reckless secularism than acknowledge that it is Hashem who has given us the true blueprint for life, the Torah. Thus, the future of Judaism lies with the most observant of Jews.
One day, all the liberal Jewish movements: Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, etc. will merge into one as the differences between them continue to blur. Eventually they will succumb to their lack of committment and become subsumed by Western humanism.
Anonymous, July 11, 2018 10:53 PM
Actually the opposite is happening
The reality is that the Jews who buy into the Marxian Progressive mentality that essentially posits the state as god are the same Jews who are non-believing, cultural Jews who replicate at sub-replacement rates, intermarry and are on a demographic path to gradual extinction. The believing Jews - typically Orthodox, ultra-Orthodox, Hasidim may be humane and morally principled but they understand that God is God, not the state, and that the sources of a moral life are higher than the popular opinion of the moment.
(25) Anonymous, November 24, 2005 12:00 AM
decline of diaspora communities not necessarily a negative
In contrast to the long years of exile, am yisrael now has a home. In that home, the number of Jews is growing. If it is declining in the diaspora communities, perhaps it's just a weeding-out process. Those who identify with the Jewish nation can live satisfying Jewish lives in Israel. Those who don't identify with it can cast their lot with diaspora communities of their choice and bear the consequences.
Meanwhile, those who choose to identify with Judaism are swaying the demographic balance by having more children while the non-committed have fewer. Is this a bad thing?
Some say they already notice a revitalization that will dafka make Judaism more relevant to those who have drifted away. Organizations like Aish, that allow the uncommitted to explore the depths of Torah Judaism without pressure, do more for Jewish continuity than all the handwringing and demographic fear-mongering.
(24) Keila Lucy Lemos Moura Bonifácio da Silva, November 23, 2005 12:00 AM
We Need Back to Torah Life.
May be a simpliest vision about this article, but after all, only in the Torah we can find answer to each these questions. This is my belief. This is my way all my life.
(23) Daniel, November 23, 2005 12:00 AM
Not ordinary times? Chevlei moshiach?
No generation has ever had it easy. Ask any person in any era, and most will say that theirs are the toughest times. Perhaps today's generation has the best physical prosperity, but greatest challenges in emotional & spiritual areas that people took for granted - marriage, stable family life, stable communities, trust of rabbis, teachers, and parents, more time, simpler needs, ability to make do with much less. So maybe we've exchanged one basket for another.
The current basket is uniquely challenging in that it challenges the underpinnings of a Jew's life. To contradict Maslow's pyramid (which says physical need require fulfilled prior to addressing emotional and spiritual ones) my understanding of Torah perspective leads me to see it other way around - i.e. when a person has a wholesome emotional & spiritual foundation, they posses the tools needed to address whatever difficulties life throws at them. Without these tools, these challenges could be beyond a person's ability to overcome fully. Their challenge may be not to fail so quickly, or to try an build up their tools, but otherwise the challenge itself could be an 800-pound gorilla.
There's a well-known adage from Chazal, "Maaseh avos siman l'bonim" - the lives of our avos (Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob) mirror what will later happen to their descents throughout history. In Genesis (32:25) when Jacob wrestled with the angel, the angel could not defeat Jacob, but it did injure his thigh. I recall a classic commentator who explained this to mean that the angel hurt Jacob in the fundamental area of family life (sexuality - and the ability to procreate) - meaning that the angel compromised the fundamental building blocks of the Jewish people - namely, the family.
The Jewish people is thriving so the angel (Edom/Esau) has not won, however they have damaged use tremendously by injuring our perspective. A litigious fast-paced culture; instant gratification; lack of intrinsic trust for spiritual leaders, doctors, teachers, and the average stranger; movies, media, advertisers (stressing primary entitlement in self-gratification and materialism so you buy their product), intrusiveness of technology; no moral heroes in society; - all have worked their way into way of thinking. For families, add the unprecedented stress with normal family life two family income, long commutes, longer work hours, and little time to spend with family, eat dinner at home each night, etc. The angel hasn't killed us, but perhaps he has injured us in the most fundamental way.
Relationships (married & single) are relegated to a haphazard incidental in western society. Primary is attainment of material success & having fun (read: having been trained by the advertisers to spend money on their products). Materialism and fun (vs. happiness) is mostly just a superficial experience. The same depth is needed in marriage (the lack of which adds to marital stress). The longer people remain single (especially halachic adherents who do not touch before marriage), they need more to help them form the deeper relationship needed to get to marriage. People who are not superficial cannot connect on a superficial level - just having fun and consuming. That why many promising relationships lose stream after the initial wow. The longer singles remain unmarried and keep experiencing mutual frustrations by relationship which don't work or bad dates, the greater the need to connect to someone special - and the greater depth required in a relationship to counter-balance our society-generated anti-marriage bias (yes, this is true for even for most right-wing orthodox single). Our society has not given us the tools needed to create & sustain relationships in the way they need to be.
Going back to Genesis, immediately after the conclusion of Jacob's fight with the angel, the sun rose. This represents the revelation of truth at the end-of-days (aka. moshiach). Hopefully we are at the end of history & the moshiach will come soon to set things straight and bring us all to a better place. The Jewish people will always survive no matter how long, but it seems as if we are in such dire for geulah with the current state of affairs.
So what should we do while we wait? Perhaps the first step in all these issues (marriage relationships, dating, singles, family peace) is to acknowledge that we are all basically in the emergency room. It could be that simply being aware of this idea is a good start. People in the emergency room don't criticize each other for why they're there. It's true that some problems may be the fault of the patient, but no one asks. People are supportive and wish each other well. No one tries to pretend there's nothing wrong, and they don't wear masks thinking that they have to pretend otherwise. They might not talk about it, but every knows that those who are there are in pain or at best, not having a good day. People who shmooze to others in the waiting room will at least pretend to be empathetic, and among those, most will try to empathize with another's pain.
Perhaps by being sympathetic towards other in difficult straits (no matter what they are). Knowing that no one has it easy, and that each of us has the opportunity to make the first move by trying understand and listen might be just what we need.
These are my thoughts and I'm sure I omitted some key ideas. Please feel free to email me with questions or comments if you'd like.
-Daniel (to prevent spamming, I'm not writing my address as you'd send it: dg732 at yahoo dot com)
(22) Dr. Alex Pister, November 22, 2005 12:00 AM
cutting to the chase
Notwithstanding Mr. Wertheimer's lengthy and articulate article I would like to proffer a simpler and I believe more accurate assessment of American Jewry. First and foremost let it be said that we in the Torah world believe in the ultimate authority of a G-d given document, which informs us how to live. This document is the Torah. We believe it was written by G-d and given to us on Mt. Sinai and that we have an uninterrupted/accurate transmission of it until today. In the Torah it lists 613 commandments, one of which is to have children. This is taken as "objective and G-d mandated". With all due respect to Mr. Wertheimer his article portrays a certain subjectivity to the decision of the "orthodox" Jews to having children. There is an atmosphere of equivalence displayed to all communities; reform, conservative, orthodox etc. While we would never claim an exclusivity clause on being correct, the Toirah world never views the contents of the Jewish Bible and its 613 commandments as optional. We view them as G-d given and definitely not man made. And therein lies the rub. If left to their own selves’ humans make their own choices. They may choose to marry or not, have children or not, keep certain commandments or not, be cultural Jews or not, be conservative, reform whatever etc. etc. Tough as it may sound it has to be said: The laws of the Torah are written by the Al-Mighty and are immutable. That being said, Heaven forbid that one should be left with the impression that it’s all or nothing; that one must change over night. In fact the Rambam (Maimonides) rules that growth in Torah observance must be done at a gradual, manageable pace. But until all this is clarified no amount of complicated article writing, analysis of statistics, and sociological study will make any difference. To those out there who hear this message of Jewish survival come in to our study halls at Aish Hatorah or seek out an observant Jew/Jewish family and start learning the real answers to Jewish survival. I've been privileged to have personally had the opportunity to participate in my own very minimal way in Aish Canada. I still get "the chills" when I think of all the incredible success stories of people traveling their journeys from "singlehood" to marriage and a beautifully shabbos table with challah, wine and delicacies. Contrary to popular myth the Torah lifestyle is one of grace, elegance and beauty. It is a source of tremendous simcha and fun. Come in and take a look at what has been in your own backyard all along!
(21) Daniela, November 22, 2005 12:00 AM
One line of discussion seems to be missing...
I'm very surprised that, with the exception of one comment, no one seems to be including in this issue the actual opinions of non-religious Jewish singles on dating Jews. The question was asked in the article about why it is that men and women date non-Jews, but no answers were offered - I'm just very surprised that no one seemed to be asked for the article. I'm sure everyone can remember some time when women they knew said that Jewish men were nebbish, weak, ugly and too sensitive. Citing every Jewish stereotype in the book. Or men lamenting not being able to find Jewish women who didn't make ridicules demands about money and jewelry, or being too dowdy or overweight, too whiny or too unworldly. How many of us have never heard these things before, let's be honest ? And then to hear from non-Jewish women how much they want to marry Jewish men because they make such good husbands, and I'm sure many of us thought immediately afterwards, "if only Jewish women had such an appreciation for what's really important in life instead of acting like spoiled brats"? Maybe what we really need to look at is the fact that with so many being raised in the secular world, why should their standards be any different than their surrounding culture teaches them ? Why should they think anything else is important besides beauty, wealth and entitlement ? Am I saying that Jews need to learn how to make themselves more attractive ? Well, it depends on how you define the word attractive. I'd like to focus on the problem of what Jewish men and women think of Jewish members of the opposite sex first, before we tackle the problem of how to keep children of intermarried couples Jewish.
(20) Anonymous, November 22, 2005 12:00 AM
Concern re Marriage Support in Orthodox Community
It is nice to read an article on an Orthodox website about the importance of marriage in maintaining the Jewish community. The one communal aspect this article completely ignored is the growing rate of divorce in the Jewish community. I have not seen anything done at the synagogue level to address this growing problem. Like the rest of society, the Modern Orthodox community is not immune to this development. As a member of that community and a divorced Jewish woman of two Jewish children in day school, I have seen both sides of the coin. For example, I have several Christian friends who, before they got married, were required by their church to undergo three months of premarital counseling as a prerequesite to the clergyman agreeing to perform the ceremony. Some Orthodox couples aren't even engaged three months before the wedding date. The same church has periodic marriage seminars as part of their couples ministry to address conflicts and strenghen marriages as important components of the church family. I have not seen any such programming at any Orthodox synagogue I have ever joined. If the Orthodox are so interested in early marriage and many children, maybe the community should do something to ensure that the marriages that happen do not end in divorce. I have not heard of any pre marital counseling available in the Orthodox community. I think it should be a requirement of some length before a couple gets married, so that the couple is not getting married simply to satisfy the huge communal pressure to do so. The writer presupposes that marriage between two Jewish people who go on to have children is the core of the future of our community. If that is so, the community should endeavor to help those marriages grow and be strong, and not get married just because of the communal pressure, which is enormous. Thank you.
(19) jerrytree, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
It wasn't my fault.
I grew up in a poor family in Bklyn.
I never finished H.S. ( I did graduate college 14 years later). Jewish girls
never considered me husband material.
It hurt. I married a nonjew. Later I
married an Israeli. I am happy. I forgive. I never had the opportunity to marry a girl who could understand my kibutzing.
Anonymous, July 11, 2018 10:58 PM
Actually this is pretty consistent with human nature
Ninety percent of women will have at least one child. But only 47% of men will ever father a child. Women basically control sexual selection. In studies where women rate a group of men in terms of desirability of mates - then are presented with the profile of the men who fall into the 50%tile median rank. they estimate that the 50%tile man is a 15%tile man. Put another way the middle of the pack male is seen when viewed in isolation as bottom of the barrel. Women are very highly selective in the men they choose. That is not just Judaism but rather is true of women from all religions and groups - it is biology. When you dawdled as a young man you put yourself at the bottom of the pack. No surprise you had trouble finding a mate. Just human nature. It is fortunate that you turned your act around later.
(18) Michael (Auckland, New Zealand), November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
We have already tried
It is hard to get people in the community who are single to come out of the woodwork - so we had to put a hold on our singles group though I would like to see it restarted.
If there are any New Zealand Jewish people reading this who would be interested in being a part of a singles group that meets informaally / monthly, please visit www.cybershul.org.nz and join, then send a message to username "Michael" (That is me, I am one of the webmasters).
This is shameless promotion but we do need to show some action.
(17) Alan R. Naftalis, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
A very sad trend
While the facts of this article were basically already known to me, seeing them in print was chilling. Particularly the facts regarding intermarriage. Having seen individual cases, including in my own family, I know that the statistics are correct. In marriage after interfaith marriage, it is generally the Jewish spouse that abandons his faith. The children of these unions rarely identify in any way with Judaism as a religion or even as a culture and have little or no identifation with Israel. Most lack even a fundamental knowledge of Jewish history and frequently look upon Judaism as something alien.They look upon those who adhere as being "clanish".
At the heart of this is a basic truth that most American Jews do not wish to admit: that many assimilated Jews prefer not to identify as being Jewish or consider real identifaction as being undesirable from a social standpoint or simply inconvenient. It is the desire not to be the "other". To many eating a bagel or a pastrami sandwich is the limit of their association with Judiaism. We have allowed Jewish comedians to make aspects of Jewish life and observance a joke, giving other Jews a reason not to take it seriously.In a deeply held desire to seen as American, many Jews have chosen to shed those trappings which set them apart. In many instances it is a fact that we make it all too easy for them to become invisible.To prove my point, see how many of your Jewish friends and relatives have even abandoned the simple ritual of placing a Mezzuzah on their doorways.
(16) laurie, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
jewish day schools
Most demographers agree that Jewish day school education is the strongest method of fighting against assimilation and intermarriage.
However, the cost of day school education is astronomical! I have raised my children in Israel, but my mouth hangs open when I hear how much parents pay in the States for day school education, even subsidized and with scholarships. There must be thousands of couples who think twice and three times about having more children, just because they would not be able to educate them properly, Jewishly.
I consider myself "Modern Orthodox", and the schools that seem to cater to that population seem to be even more expensive than the simplier "ultra-Orthodox" schools, because the parents are looking for a framework that won't only provide a quality Jewish education, but will also prepare their children to attend the best Universities in the future. (We won't even discuss the cost of THAT).
Don't know what the answer to this is, but maybe some money could be siphoned off the buildling funds for the extravagant buildings that pass for synagogues and temples in America, and put towards Jewish education
(15) Anonymous, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
Intermarriage - Article quote /My experience
"intermarried couples are offered a more welcoming environment, they will participate gladly in Jewish activities and both they and their offspring will come to identify strongly with Jewish life"
I know the question of intermarriage and how to respond to it is debated ad nauseum - in my experience... I am converting (pleas Gd) Orthodox - (I am the descendant of a Jew).
Apparently, my Grandmother whose father was Jewish was raised in a dual home (early 1900's), her father minimally observed Judaism and her mother practiced Christianity it is my understanding that they "co-existed".
When my cousin married a Jew (incidentaly we are not in the US and my family is spread over 5 continents = not only a US Jewry issue)and asked my Grandmother how to raise her children, my grandmother offered choose one religion whatever that is, dont confuse the children.
My great- Uncle, curious to know why I am onverting to his fathers religion, told me that he was once seated next to a Rabbi on the flight, he eagerly told him of his father's religion and was shot down with "Judaism is passed through the Mother" - no problem with the Halacha only the "manner" in which it was communicated was such that it squashed his curiosity about Judaism.
For children and their generations of intermarriage especially on the paternal side - is tough, you are NOT Jewish Halically nor socially really and having said that to other communities and cultures you remain "tainted" (their view not mine) by your Jewish blood.
I hope to succeed in conversion with my husband and children - it is also our wish that they marru within the religion, dont have the answers but we share the concerns.
(14) Aviel Russell, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
Jewish Birthrate
Why is there is no mention of Converts who raise their children as jews?
(13) Anonymous, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
The cost of Jewish day school is a factor
The cost of Jewish day school is a huge factor in this process. From what I hear, a good day school can be upwards of $20,000 a year per child. This fact alone is enough to force Jewish families, probably the most education-conscious of all ethnic groups in America, to have fewer children. Catholic communities apparently don't have this problem, perhaps because there is a larger pool of students and donors to draw from. I wonder if there is a way for Jews to imitate the Catholic school system?
(12) Anonymous, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
I agree
I'm multiracial (Russian-Polish Jewish, African-American, and Native American) and I'm amazed at the number of my pure Ashkenaz friends who identify solely as "white" and not Jewish.
A bit of my background. My siblings and I were raised with both Christianity and Judaism, and I got to make a choice... we chose Judaism.
My sister is living with a Gentile guy, but my nephew strongly identifies as a Jew. So much so, in fact, that he sang Sholom Alchiem for his school talent show.
My brother is studying with a Talmud scholar and is an assistant to a rabbi in Korea, where is stationed in the Army. I identify as a Conservative Jew, and I refuse to intermarry.
Maybe it's because we're part African-American, but we see the importance in not letting a heritage and religion die out to be more accepted by others. We're different, so we understand Hashem's commandment that we should be different and a light unto nations well. Besides, what's a little discrimination? We're used to it!
A lot of the biracial offspring of relationships between Jews and racial minorities in the country keep at least somewhat of a Jewish identity because we can't truly assimilate.
Another truth is that in the Jew of Color communities, they absolutely do not tolerate intermarriage. I'll never forget the reaction of one black Jewish woman and her Sephardic friend when they saw me dating a non Jew. They read me the riot act. I learned my lesson on that one.
I'll never forget what one boyfriend told his parents when it looked like we would get serious. They had a problem with the fact I was a Jew of Color. He asked them, "What do you value more, being Jewish or being 'white'?" Apparently, they never realized they placed more of an emphasis on being one over the other.
Just some food for thought.
(11) Annie, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
How scary
As someone of Jewish descent, living in New Zealand like Michael-hello, Michael!-who would have loved to have been brought up in the Jewish faith/way of life, I find it hard to understand why anyone would not embrace this wonderful heritage.
At least there are still 5,500,000 Jews in America !
It is almost inevitable that the partner who marries out of a minority will be assimilated into the majority religion or culture.
I can only hope & pray that this does not happen in the US.Judaism is far too precious to lose. I cannot offer any real solutions, though, as better heads than mine have failed to get a solution.We can only rely on a greater power than ourselves-Judaism has survived this long, G-d won't let it die out !!!
(10) Lindy, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
Jewish men are uninteresting
Esp in the Ortho community, they are out of shape, insular, and lack intellectual curiousity. I do consider myself orthodox and would never marry a non-Jew, but I don't see myself marrying one of these unsophisticated Jewish guys either. Nor them me, for that matter.
(9) Jason Lipstein, November 21, 2005 12:00 AM
"You will remain small in number whereas you would have been as the stars in heaven for a multitude" Deut. 4
According to the Torah itself, this is yet another example of G-ds prophecies unfolding before our very eyes...
(8) David G. Singer, November 20, 2005 12:00 AM
Jews themselves are to blame--they act like like they are a tight little race.
I came from a mixed Jewish-Christian union, but despite my last name, my mother is Jewish and my father a gentile. Since I was a child, I have heard comments that I don't look Jewish (including one from a rabbi at the Hillel foundation at the Univ. of IL.), and questions like,"Are you really Jewish?" American Jews are going to have to get over this petty racism, or we are indeed doomed to extinction in this country.
(7) CLIFF HOBERMAN, November 20, 2005 12:00 AM
E-MAIL TO ALL JEWS IN THE USA
THIS ARTICLE SHOULD BE E-MAILED TO EVERY JEW IN THE USA. THE SITUATION IN CALIFORNIA I BELEIVE IS EVEN WORSE.
(6) Anonymous, November 20, 2005 12:00 AM
comment
Very well written and powerful ariticle. There are so many different ways to translate our current situation. Let's pray together for the coming of our redemption, speedily in our days.
(5) Anonymous, November 20, 2005 12:00 AM
what is the anwer !!
to me the answer is very simple.we jews in the u.s.must start doing aleyah at a more rapid pace .Israel is our home and the sooner we return to our homeland the sooner we will overcome intermarraige and be light to the world.our torah teaches us that it is our duty to show the other nations how to live according to the laws given us by god at mount sanai. when this is accomplished the nations of world will live in peace lets hope we see this in our time .
(4) Anonymous, November 20, 2005 12:00 AM
Sometimes intermarriage is not the end....
Although I understand that Jack Wertheimer's article merely quotes statistics and the reality of intermarriage and low fertility rates amongst the Jewish communities of the United States, intermarriage does not have to be the end of Judaism for that couple and their children. I understand that my family is probably a rare exception, but it is worth taking note.
Ten years ago I married my non-Jewish husband. He has never converted to Judaism, but if someone asked him if he were Jewish, he would avoid answering the question rather than simply stating, "no." He doesn't exactly consider himself Jewish, but isn't attached to any other religion, either. He definitely identifies more with Judaism than any other faith. We celebrate all Jewish holidays together (but find Shabbat increasingly difficult since the birth of our son). We've given our son a Jewish name and plan to do the same with our next child, due shortly. We keep Kosher in the home, and are planning on sending our children to Jewish schools.
In essence, my marriage to my non-Jewish husband has increased the Jewish population rather than detracted from it. We are raising Jewish children and leading a Jewish life. I only wish more congregations would be more accepting of our family situation. Perhaps if my husband felt more included in the synagogues we've been to (and we've tried Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, and Reconstructionist), he would be more inclined to convert. I believe one of the keys to sustaining the Jewish population is by including--not excluding--intermarried families.
(3) Maksim-Smelchak, November 20, 2005 12:00 AM
Acquire a Jewish identity, Shimon...
Hi Shimon,
I think the challenges to us Jews from behind the Iron Curtain is to acquire a Jewish identity since we didn't grow up with one.
Learn about what being Jewish means. Go to a temple or synagogue and ask questions. Read books. Find out what being Jewish means.
I did and I'm glad I did.
Shalom,
Maksim-Smelchak.
(2) Menashe Kaltmann, November 20, 2005 12:00 AM
Thank you for this informative but sad article...
Whatever happens in the USA eventually effects us here in Australia. Australian Jewry may be 2 generations from this scenario.
There is a real need for more Jews to be born and for us all to have bigger families. I think I remember The Lubavitcher Rebbe speaking at length about ~ 20-25 years ago about this demographic phenomena. The Rebbe with his foresight encouraged all Jewish people to have bigger families...
To all those Jewish singles my heart and prayers go out to you .. Please G-d we hope you find your bashert!
(1) shimon, November 20, 2005 12:00 AM
loozin
this articlE is good but wHat about us j boyz from the iron curtain who are jewish, but not grown up that way