B"H you found out before your daughter met this boy - while most of the time, the person on the other end of the messages is a boy, this is also the way online predators go after their victims. They pretend to be a classmate, or at least the same age, empathize with their victims, and eventually convince the girl to meet with them in person. There are numerous documentaries, and articles about online predators, and how to be on the internet safely, and especially, how to protect your children. It's not just inappropriate relationships with the same-age opposite sex that the internet exposes our kids to. The internet can be a very safe place, when parents and children are educated. Like Anonymous 10:51 says, there is a lot of good to be found online. You just have to know how to filter it.

1) not yet 2) only with what you understand - and this you don't yet. 3) I do not trust myself with everything - I block many sites for myself. By the way if you don't block sites on your account too- you have not learned the lesson properly!

i would tell my kids. "of course i trust YOU, it's your yetzer hara i don't trust!!!

Nu, was it the Internet the cause of a frum girl chatting with boys? I think there are some unexplored issues here that you are not exploring and perhaps avoiding. Her Internet activity is only a symptom of something deeper. The internet is not the what should be blamed. I think you should deal with the source and root of the behavior rather than te vehicle by which your daughter uses to carry out the behavior. Taking away internet won't solve anything unless you face and deal with the issue of why she feels the need to go around chatting and meeting with boys...Kids always find away around whatever obstacle you come up with if they want to do what they want to do. Perhaps a heart-to-heart about Jewish values and modesty etc will be more effective than simply taking away the Internet.

When I was in high school I was in a similar situation (but much WORSE). Baruch Hashem with the help of Him and my parents I turned my life around. But what my parents did that was so very helpful was this: My father and I began going on weekly walks to a coffee shop (or something of the sort). At first, the walks were just filled with small talk-- not much opening up but my dad showed interest in the most minute instances in my life. By the end, most of these walks were filled with me spilling my guts. Once, i tested my father by mentioning something about a friend's relaitionship with a boy. My father (instead of the yelling I feared would come) just listened calmly without judgement and talked me through all the many reasons it was not a good idea. My mother reacted the same. 7 years later and I still have this incredible relationship with my parents (not to mention I have not felt the need for a "boyfriend" since high school). Bottom line: talk to her and don't explode when your daughter confides in you or else she might not open up next time.

I can see your points you made in the article, but this article is kind of implying that if a kid goes online, something bad happens. I'm 14 years old and I go on the internet, but no, I don't get involved in chat rooms/ social networking. I catch up on the news (especially technology- related), because i want to be a reporter when I grow up. Please, please don't scare parents into thinking the internet's a bad place...

I totally agree with you. The internet is useful, but it comes with a price. A good program to use is called Norton Safety Minder. It sends an e-mail every time the user goes on a website, and log on or off their computers

Because her mother is so involved, she likes the bad guy. if for example she is 16, what are you going to do when she is 18, I would have a discussion with the daughter about the dangers of meeting strange men alone, and the fact that you don't know who or what they are. I'm less comfortable with the "I'm going to check what you are doing, who you are talking to, and what you look at on computer 24-7." Ever hear of Romeo and Juliet.

you need a strong internet filter. we use safeeyes.com, and even we cannot break it.

I don't believe in conversing too much with your kids, you can do that til the cows come home and in their teen age years, in our teen aged years WE CAN'T HEAR OUR PARENTS VOICES! so be silent and LISTEN. To the author, I think you're absolutely correct to have placed limitations on the laptop and internet use I did with my girls, didn't with my son: so sorry. question is: why expose them to the junk out there just because it is the 21st Century? who cares what century it is? is it not about adhering to Jewish values despite the centuries? did the off-the-derech-jews keep the torah pure for us to have in this day and age? pedophilia is rampant now a days, do we expose our kids to that because it's the 21st century? HECK NO! Trust in our kids is a separate issue, the author owned up to her issue: she forgot to trust herself in how she needs to raise her kids, and oops! she caught herself and rearranged her priorities, and keeps on going. What makes some of you think you're so G-d-like to trust yourself so much that you'll be in the know everytime your child slips off the derech? Our wise Rabbis haven't convinced you or me to stop doing wrong, what makes you think you'll have that power over your kids? But parents do have a responsibility to guide them as best as possible. Our lack of guidance is just that: our lack of guidance, not distrust in our kids. Limit the internet. Something you can never be sorry for. That's it, that's all. Yasher Koach. Well done.

I dont know where to start.... Your story appauled me. Who needs to remind you that we live in the year 2012. If your child is on the internet talking to a boy... NOTHING you can do is gonna stop her from talking to him (or any other guy for that matter) Im speaking from experience. IF you think that you have control as a parent. YOU DONT. THE ONLY THING THAT WILL WORK IS TO DAVEN. Because of the constant plunge of each generation, children will do what they want... BUT that doesnt mean there is no hope. I was considered a child "off the derech" and BH because my parents were not overbearing, i was able to come to my senses and build a real connection with hakadosh baruch hu.... what does that mean? it means your child needs space and a real open and honest relationship with her parents. Plastering on the internet how you dont trust your child anymore because of a taiva is a terrible thing. We are all human. What i suggest is to have an open honest conversation with your daughter instead of cutting her off from the world. I urge you to deal with this now instead of ruining her reputation and helping her find her place in klal yisroel before its to late.

The sad result for us is our child is on their 2nd marriage now. The 1st could never have happened without internet. I banned it from the house for a decade more, until our youngest was 18 and needed access for college.

this sounds a lot like me. my grandparents got me a laptop for my bat mitzvah and i had it in my room so know one knew what i was doing on it. i ended up using chatrooms and talking to ppl online that i shouldnt have been talking to. my parents ended up catching me at it and basically blocked all my internet. it hurts and i wish i had been more responsible and still had my parents trust. if you are doing anything on the internet you shouldnt and you're parents dont know about it PLEASE PLEASE STOP. its not worth it and the only person who gets hurt is yourself. good luck with it.

As responsible parents, before we can expect anything from our children, we need to look in the mirror and recognize what is it that our children see from us. How are we using the internet? Are we so "hooked" on the internet that we may be avoiding our families? What sites do we look at? Is it possible that I need some help with my own Ruchniyus problems related to the internet. Fortunately, there is a site www.guardyoureyes.com that has helped my entire family. I learned that it's not entirely about just getting a better filter. But rather, I had to work on my own "habit." Please feel free to email me at duvidchaim@gmail.com if you or anyone you love may be struggling and would like some confidential and anonymous support.

Treating your teenager like a prisoner in the year 2012 is the wrong move and will only get her to sneak around doing this somewhere else, in a less controlled, more dangerous environment, and you'll never see it coming. It will bite you in the [expletive deleted]. Stop being so naive. Educate.

As the great Ronald Reagan said, trust but verify.

While it's true that children should feel that their parents trust them since trust is an essential part of any healthy relationship, the children need to learn that they have to understand that there are certain areas in which they should not believe they can trust themselves. My married son, who needs internet for business has put upon it a password that only his wife knows, so that he needs to have her around in order to connect to the internet. He knows that there are certain areas in which a man should not place too much trust in his ability to act properly. Any dieter will tell you that spending a lot of time around fattening and desirable food will nearly always result in a dieting disaster. At least a dieter who is truly honest with themselves will admit this. The Torah tells us not to trust in ourselves too much even into our senior years. Placing oneself voluntarily into a place of temptation is forbidden, and as King David learned, generally disastrous.

I think you need to make it unequivocally clear that indeed you DO always trust your teenager. However, everyone has desires which can lead them astray from who they truly are and you don't want them to get caught up in such. Addittionally you must ascertain that blocking the internet isn't your only approach, but your children need to be lovingly told about the problems of the internet, because if all you do is restrain, your children WILL get access to the internet from a device outside of your knowledge and control.

I am a teenager whose Internet use is completely unmonitored and yet I manage to responsibly use the computer. My frequent visits to Aish.com are a testament to this. In my view, it is nearly impossible to completely close your child off to all outside influences. If you do not EDUCATE your children to use self-control and make mature decisions they will find ways to access inappropriate sites. Please trust me on this one. In my experience, the teens that get themselves into the most trouble are those with oblivious parents who attempt (and fail) to chain their kids. If you think about it, it’s not difficult to understand why this happens and how to avoid it. Teenagers are stuck in-between adulthood and childhood. We have the ability to rise to the challenge and act maturely and responsibly when put in the right situations. Yet, we are not always given this opportunity. Personally, I can tell you that when someone treats me like an adult and expects me to behave accordingly- I do. However, when I am regarded as a child I loosen up and allow myself to test boundaries and mess around. I conform into the dictionary definition of a child “an immature or irresponsible person.” When you set up boundaries that are essentially made for children, your teenagers will ‘drop’ to the occasion. Similarly, if you let your teens know that you consider them responsible young adults, they will act accordingly. Of course, such a relationship depends upon a strong value set imbued into your children from a young age. I thank my parents for teaching me these things and then trusting me with them. In effect, they are trusting themselves. Their encouragement has given me the courage to be a strong young adult when confronting and identifying negative influences.

I was a girl like ur daughter b4 internet was in ppls homes. My parents also tried restricting me from communicating with boys (phone etc) but it didn't help. In my case I felt the need to connect to a boy because there's was no love in my home and I craved it elsewhere. Whatever the reason ur daughter went against her upbringing and friends, there's a reason behind it and limiting access might not stop it but ignite it more. In no way do I claim to know ur family dynamics. I just felt, since u shared ur personal experience that I could interject with a thought of my own. Wishing you much hatzlacha and nachat from all your children!

Too bad the author didn't have the yichus or experience of Sarah Shapiro in "All the Way Home," the last item in this week's What's New @Aish.com. Nothing good can come of trying to slam the door on the world outside. What, you think you can lock a daughter in a castle? You think the sturm and drang vanish when tears stop flowing and shouting subsides? More likely, resentment and anger will skulk off to fester in a place no parent can reach -- and then, Breishis teaches: "Sin crouches at the door." Suppose the author had offered to let her daughter meet the online boy, on condition that one or both parents also were present? Suppose that instead of trying to slam the door on the Internet, which even the Chinese government can't achieve, the parents had engaged their daughter in an extended, dispassionate and compassionate conversation about appropriate conduct, trust and understanding? My wife and I certainly had our moments of elevated heart rate and worse during the alien possession years (12 to 17) of our two daughters, but we managed to avoid piling on oppressive restrictions which would have boosted the temptation for them to find new and more dangerous means of circumvention. Today they are in their early 20s, working on advanced degrees, independent and active and fully committed in their Judaism. Like Sarah Shapiro, we managed to learn from them as they learned from us. One can only hope the author here can learn to do the same.

When one has to sit at a computer for hours on end doing research (whether for the best deal on a flight, applying for a job, or doing homework) the internet quickly loses its luster as a place for socializing. I think the schools should provide more instruction in proper uses of the internet, and also require older students (middle school or older) to do research online. We teach our children to read despite the availability of undesirable material in bookstores and newsstands. We should also teach them how to use the internet effectively and appropriately.

If this guy was writing her for a while, she might be hooked, and try to find alternate computers to get in touch or even by phone. So I would talk to her about her feelings and how she is coping with your new restrictions, and loss of who she throught was a "friend", and see her reaction. Also, you have to spend more time with her giving her the "love" she thinks she is missing from her "internet friends".

Kids today are a lot smarter, especially computer-wise, than you think. Yes, she made an error with this behavior, but if she is really interested in this guy, she will find a way to keep in contact. There are so many other ways to get online these days besides a home connection, after all. Those new restrictions may be stifling enough for her to seek some of them out. I'm not saying you're wrong to end this relationship, but banning computer time is not how to do it. It should involve talking to her and making her understand just what can happen through online relationships. Do some research on reported cases of these things going bad and share it with her. teach her to protect herself, rather than imposing your own restrictions on her. Hashem doesn't make us physically onable to eat traifa after all, he just commands us not to and trusts that we will obey. Trust me, the other alternative to this is more rebellion, fights, and disobediance.

I would be more concerned about the fact that the daughter befriended the boy with the profanity in his name in the first place. To me, this is an obvious sign of curiosity, possibly rebellion, from the 'clean' home she lives in. A girl who was not looking for 'something different' would have immediately shunned a person who's screen name contained an explitive. And why is she so interested in meeting boys on line? Is she not exposed to nice boys to talk to in the community? Sometimes separating boys and girls can drive them to experiment in bad ways or seek out companionship in inappropriate places, like the internet. I think the underlying problem will not go away - if she wants to have a boyfriend, she will keep looking for one. You need to discuss her emotions and life changes in a supportive way, and help her plan for a positive relationship with a good man in the future, and not to look for love on the internet. Good luck, teens are hard to raise, and they will constantly surprise you. Make sure her underlying support system and values are strong, this is the best you can do in addition to keeping the communication lines open.

If a girl is looking for inappropriate relationships, the question that needs to be asked is "why". Does she not get enough time with her father? Does she have any good friends ("real" friends)? Is she feeling resentful of being frum? There are deeper issues here -- ones that will most likely only be made worse by the girl knowing that her parents no longer trust her.

Trust the Mothers Judgement - she knows her child, her community and her family values, she is the most invested in this child and the ultimate authority in sourcing a remedy. Consider, this child has exposed herself to risk and possibly her family. I am with the Mum 100% - while the child enjoys the advantagesof living in this family, she also has the responsibility to adhere to the laws of this family - Like any good citizen.

In our house we have some basic filters in place but basically we require computers in public rooms, no internet when parents aren't home *and* a sibling watcher when online. and no instant messaging. and no Facebook. and I screen their email. I've told them that I do trust them but those are the rules anyway.

I appreciate where you're coming from and where you are, but I've got deep trouble with where you've gone. Yes, I've got pre-teens and a teen on the Internet as well. And the issue is *not* do I trust my children. I do. Entirely and completely. The problem is that I do not trust anyone else with my children. I'm sure, Anonymous Ms. Bates, that that is what you meant to say. For what it's worth, when I told my (pre-teen) daughter about FaceGlat, a gender-separate alternative to Facebook (at faceglat.com/he/ or faceglat.com/en/), she pointed out that there's still no way to know who's at the other end. That's what they've got to know and internalize. And they have to know they have your trust, always.

I'd be surprised if your new restrictions don't backfire. It's age appropriate. This separation of the sexes attitude is what has yielded the current unmarried adult crisis we are experiencing.

Just wanted to mention that in the Chasidic world where the separation of the sexes is the most extreme, there is no unmarried adult crisis (often referred to as the shidduch crisis)

Not in the frum world it isn't. Boys and girls do not mix until time for marriage. Period. My parents did not let us go online unsupervised.My kids don't go online unsupervised either. Fay is right-the more the genders mix, the more familiar they are and they are "just friends," which is not for marriage minded singles. Have you noticed that the Upper West Side is the singles' capital of the world? The men and women mix but don't consider each other as marriage material. Familiarity breeds contempt.

true....ur offspring need to b convinced tht u r their parents 4ever n will accomodate them bec .their is nobodyelse 2 call ur offspring...blood ties last

Am a teenager myself who became Torah observant and learned Torah through the internet from many websites like aish.com. My parents never wanted me to be religious and for years I would learn Torah online without them knowing because I had a computer in my room. Internet can also be a positive thing. By the way I can tell your daughter really trusts you because she confessed to you about something like that. I don't thing you should never trust her again because of that. Everyone makes mistakes.

I understand that you have good intentions in warning other parents so the same thing won't happen to them but I really hope that your daughter doesn't know that you posted an article like that because she might misunderstand your intentions and get offended that her own mother wrote an article about something so personal, and that tells other parents not to trust their children.

You can be a policeman in the house, but not outside. Kids should learn about the dangers of meeting people through the internet. There are enough horror stories that any reasonable teenager would exercise caution.

While the author may think she has nipped this relationship in the bud, I hope she keeps her eyes open to watch what her daughter is up to. Educating her about the dangers, as Sharon said, is important. She could still be in contact with this online boy and that would be worse than any internet relationship.

Please read this: http://www.5tjt.com/local-news/14134-religious-jewish-girl-kidnapped-drugged-attacked-and-robbed-through-facebook-contact

My father (of blessed memory) used to say: "Better the children should cry than the parents." Children come into the world knowing nothing. A parent's job is to see to it - as much as possible - that the child survives to become an adult, and that the childhood should be as free of trauma - physical and emotional - as possible. And regarding the comment of Anonymous#1: Nicotine is a highly addictive drug, and a cigarette is a nicotine-delivery system. Just because this particular drug is currently legal does not make it good. Far from it: Each year in the US nearly 500,000 people die due to the malignant effects of tobacco use. Our children should know this.

I would not say that you do not trust your kid, but that you do not trust the internet, which is so full of dangers. Your child needs to earn trust and understand why he or she needs to trust you. After all, self discipline is not something you can develop for them, but you need to model and pray that they will develop it. If they can learn that not exposing one self to temptation keeps temptation away, then they can keep danger at bay.

Similar story happened to me, I took anonymouses route and explained to my dtr the dangers of what she was doing, I showed her how anonymous communication on the internet is and an innocent conversation with a boy can really be providing some adult pervert with dangerous ammunition. Everything is a learning opportunity. Here are some recommendations: 1) keep computer in public and not facing the wall but the center of the room 2) check the history, frequently (I know they can delete it, but even so) 3) If you suspect something, and dont want to confront your child please know that there are keystroke loggers that can help you check what your child is doing on the internet. Parents cant afford to be blind. 4) Please know that forbidding something will just make it more enticing. Either teach your child why and be a good example, If you choose to have a computer at home, provide guidelines and a good filter. The internet is a tool and just like we go to the supermarket and choose what we put in our wagon and what we dont, the same is with the internet. 5) keep pictures of Rabbanim, pertinent pesukim and limit the amt of time online, for ourselves as well. Decide in advance how long we are going to be on, and close the computer when we are done. Be a good example 6) Always be anonymous, never give details of our personal selves or lives on the internet. Even your email address need not be your name. 7)If you believed Marla's screen name, you are too gullible. Next time you see something like that, tell your dtr that it doesnt matter who's screen name it is, language like that has no room in a Torahdike home. We have to keep our eyes as Tahor as the rest of our bodies and unfriend or spam anyone who uses such language. Good Luck!!

and web chaver send browsing history reports weekly to a person of your choice. deleting the history wouldn't help

You could handle this, but what does one do with a girl who is over 18? You cannot keep a young person in a ghetto forever. The lesson is to understand that unless you will marry her off young, she will be exposed to the outside world at work, at college or worse still at her friends' homes where standards may be different to yours. And what about the mobile phones - they are small hand-held internets that can be used in the middle of the night or away from home. You have merely delayed meeting the problem head-on. What you should have done is show her a video of how the police trap old men who claim to be your daughter's age, how girls end up raped, murdered or mutilated. Locking her up in a closed environment is not the answer.

Your use of "ghetto" in this context is offensive and insulting. A household and community that seeks to instill traditional Jewish values to help Jewish that help protect Jewish children when they interact with those who don't live by Jewish values and Jewish law is in no way a "ghetto". It's smart parenting that has stood the test of time. Not perfectly successful, as not quite 100% of children raised traditionally will remain committed Jews, but better than any other method including your neurosis-inducing attempts to scare children into avoiding trouble. Teaching them both important values and that not everybody embraces those values is a better way.

I hole hartedly agree with you in you efforts to keep your kids safe. I got much resistence from my family and friends as to the extent of protection we kept at our house. I would be criticized by well meaning people saying that we can't protect them for ever, or you can't protect them from everything, or they have to go out into the world sometime. well the world is not like high school or college, and you wouldn't turn a 2 year old loose on a hot stove and say well she has to learn sometime. I for 1 applaud your efforts keep up the good work and don't let anybody discourage your parenting skills. a wise person once told me that people will try to dim your bright light down so so that their little flicker doesn't look so dim

You cannot discipline or control. Allow the kids to take responsibility for themselves. It will help her for whole life.

The whole point is that the mother DID try to allow her kids to "take responsibility for themselves." And they blew it, in a potentially dangerous way. The boy her daughter was in contact with could have a) been a nice boy, but one she was sneaking around with despite caution from parents and friends, b) been a boy who wasn't good for her at all and actually dangerous, c) not been a boy at all, but a sexual predator who was pretending online to be a young boy so he could attract the attention of young ladies who don't know enough to protect themselves. Kids should be allowed responsibility for themselves a teensy bit at a time. This mom is just backtracking to a level her kids can handle. Her daughter will--G-g willing--mature and in time be able to handle additional responsibilities.

Well said Rebecca K. Astute comments. I agree wholeheartedly.

I am sorry, I hope you can read this without hating me. And understand that I want to show your a slightly different angle that may help you and your child. Years ago a friend said that she was so worried that her 15 yr old son was experimenting with cigarettes. She made it sound as if it was the end of existence as we know it. To which I replied: "May this be the worst of your problems with your child!" She was disgusted. And said "How can you be so mean?"....What I meant was....may she never worry about drugs, alcohol, addictions....or anything more serious than POSSIBLY wanting to try a cigarette- with regard to her child. The reality is kids do experiment. And there is peer pressure, and they will leave home one day. The ideal is to teach children SELFdiscipline. i.e. they make wise choices themSELVES. Sorry to burst your bubble, it probably takes a child about 48 hours to realize they can access the internet (and their existing account, and communicate with said person via; someone else's mobile phone; internet cafe; a friend's internet at their home....the possibilities are endless. Please show your child some horror (and true stories) of what could (G-d forbid!) happen. I think the FBI have people who work on the cases that have no-so-good endings. Take out a video on human trafficking....and see if it is suitable for viewing and getting the message across...I think there may even be materials or info on helping teens to make better choices. You do a search and get info. A parent can't watch a child 24/7. You need to get her to change her outlook. And it doesn't change by banning her from the home PC or limiting internet access. The PC is a symptom of something entirely different. I wish you well and your children safety. The idea is that your child needs to know that she can ALWAYS come to you. No matter what mistake she made. And that you love her ALWAYS, and no matter what, you only want what's best for her. And that she can trust you with EVERYTHING.

While trying smoking does not inevitably lead to worse problems, the problems of impulse control, curiosity, rebelling, testing limits that lead to trying smoking are the bigger problem. That is why even a small problem should be nipped in the bud before it leads to bigger problems.