I was turning the pages of a popular Jewish periodical when I got to the book review section. I inhaled deeply and thought, here we go again. The review focused on a new memoir about the author’s rejection of his Jewish religious upbringing and how he found happiness at last in a life liberated from the shackles of Orthodoxy.
I could hardly be surprised. With very few exceptions, the only memoirs published in recent years that have had the word “Orthodox” associated with them and that have captured significant media attention have been anti-Orthodox, written by people who left their communities in pain and sometimes, bitterness.
I have great sympathy for any individual who feels misunderstood and stifled in a life that feels inauthentic and constricting. The mission to discover who we are meant to be, and how best to fulfill our potential, can take years of soul-searching, as well as trial and error. I respect that the process can take us in varying directions.
However, as someone who chose a Torah life more than thirty years ago, and as a journalist attuned to the secular bias of most journalists, I was pained and increasingly frustrated each time I saw another such memoir reviewed or author interviewed. Even memoirists with no previous track record as writers – no “platform,” in the parlance of book PR – were able to capture prime real estate in some of the most elite media outlets. The Jewish Book Council, a major clearinghouse of new books of Jewish interest, reviewed nearly all of them, even though they are only able to review a small fraction of new Jewish book titles.
Their narratives neatly conform to the belief among many journalists that traditional, God-based religion is outdated, irrelevant, oppressive and sexist.
These memoirists had every right to tell their stories, but they wrote about Judaism from its strictest, narrowest borders, thereby presenting a skewed, unfair vision of what a Torah life could be. Their narratives neatly conform to the belief among many journalists that traditional, God-based religion as expressed by Orthodox Judaism is outdated, irrelevant, oppressive and sexist.
I could not let these books go unanswered.
Choosing a Torah life was the most difficult decision I have ever made. I wasn’t looking for “that old-time religion.” I wasn’t a spiritual seeker. Yet when Torah learning was offered to me and I reflexively said “no,” I had a personal reckoning. If I was so proud of being Jewish, why was I afraid to learn something from an Orthodox teacher? I did not want to live with my own narrow-mindedness, and when I joined a class with my future husband, I was shocked at how little I really knew about what Judaism had to say about timeless issues, from marital relationships and business partnerships to politics and psychology. Basically, I was blown away.
Most of the anti-Orthodox memoirs sprang from experiences in the most insular, right-wing Jewish communities, and I could never have thrived there, either. I, too, would have felt stifled and confined. But I was fortunate to have lived in one that was accepting and encouraged individuality. Today, the U.S. is dotted with diverse Jewish communities of every flavor. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
My life as a writer, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and community member has been immeasurably enhanced by the Torah perspectives I have learned over the years. At whatever level I initially appreciated concepts such as hakarat hatov, expressing appreciation; of kibud av v’em, honoring parents; and realizing that each child must be educated according to his or her unique path, that appreciation grew exponentially. I realized that true freedom doesn’t come from minimal or do-it-yourself-rules, but from living in a framework of timeless, God-given ethics and morality.
I wrote my memoir, The Skeptic and the Rabbi: Falling in Love with Faith, to offer a counterbalancing perspective to these dreary portraits of Orthodox life as dark and dysfunctional. In my experience, life in a Torah-oriented community was hardly perfect – nothing is. It has been filled with joys and sorrows, meaningful connection and friendships, intellectual and spiritual stimulation, and the ongoing personal challenge of spiritual and emotional growth. There were also frustrations from occasional “group-think” and expectations to conform to some community standards I did not like or understand. I wrote about all this, as well as my awkward and embarrassing moments as a “newbie” Orthodox woman in my book. It is not a cotton-candy portrait of Jewish life.
My story is just one of thousands of stories of baalei teshuva, returnees to traditional Judaism, who have brought our enthusiasm, secular knowledge, and quest for meaningful Jewish spiritual connection into today’s Orthodox world We have also, with Hashem’s blessings, built families with many thousands of Jewish children, in a spirit that celebrates and cherishes our Judaism as an active choice.
#Baalei teshuva also felt disaffected and alienated from a surrounding culture that has pushed an agenda that devalues marriage and erases boundaries between the sacred and profane.
The writers who fled their unhappy Orthodox lives weren’t the only ones who felt disaffected and alienated from their surrounding cultures. Baalei teshuva also felt disaffected and alienated from a surrounding culture that has pushed an increasingly radical agenda that devalues marriage, elevates feelings over self-reflection and self-discipline, and erases boundaries between the sacred and profane. We also faced disapproval by family members and often, rejection by friends, for our choices.
The Jewish soul is a yearning soul, which is why some of the formerly Orthodox – whether Orthodox-from-birth or former baalei teshuva – are now searching for a level of Jewish engagement less intense than what they left but more substantial than what they have now. Many are finding that sweet spot through the trailblazing work of Allison Josephs and Project Makom, which offers a non-judgmental place to reconnect with Judaism in a way that is both content-rich yet nurturing. These stories have also been offered to the media, which have predictably ignored them.
While much of the media continues to salivate over the next story of “dysfunctional religion,” many Jews are quietly changing Jewish history by exploring what the Torah has to say and building lives on a Torah foundation.
Maybe one day, a brave journalist will pull up a chair to talk to them and find out why.
A version of this article originally appeared on Jew in the City.
(18) Elyah, December 31, 2020 7:11 PM
Comment about "strict"ness
This article was really fantastic. There was a point though, that I found problematic: When commenting about these drop-out stories, the author writes that they're usually from the more insular Jewish communities.
As if, insular, by itself, is BAD and causes problems. But, less extreme approaches to Judaism are, then, less problematic?
The more insular communities can also be a beautiful way of life. True, not for everyone. But "insular" can be a quality that some people appreciate. It is NOT a synonym for "abusive!"
EVERY community has its problems. What? Secular people never get abused or mistreated based on their status, gender, or role?
When the media has an anti-religious agenda, so they'll play into the stereotypes. But lets be honest, there are a lot more non-religious people than insular religious ones -- and a lot more non-religious people being abused than insular religious ones.
(17) Anonymous, June 9, 2020 3:56 PM
Anti-orthodox sentiments capturing the mediamiss the point
I just read Judy Gruen's book "The Skeptic and the Rabbi. It led me to want to observe Shabbat on a deeper level. As a trained journalist, she presents an eagle-eye view of the narrow vision of most of those who write about Orthodoxy today.
(16) Sue King, March 30, 2020 12:43 AM
I am so glad to read this and work out how you fir into the big picture.
I already have your newsletters. They are outstanding. What I would really like to know is if you have groups in Australia (I feel sure that you do) - and where they are.
(15) Pinchas Winograd, January 23, 2020 10:48 PM
praise
A great article well articulated (if one use the word articulate in non-spoken context) article.
(14) Imelda Pearce, January 16, 2020 8:18 PM
bravo for balei Tshuvah!
Thank you for your plea for a more balanced view of Orthodoxy. I speak up in my conservative synagogue when one of us has a negative viewpoint, always thinking, "Am YIsroel Chai." I have your book on my shelf. This is a good reminder to read it.
Judy Gruen, January 17, 2020 5:09 PM
"Am Yisroel Chai" indeed!
Thank you so much, Imelda.
(13) Hillel, January 16, 2020 3:16 PM
OTD is a small minority
Although every Jews that moves away from Judaism is a tragedy, if you look historically at the last 150 years, our retention rates are actually pretty good. Another point of "fake news" that the media is portraying by hyping these books is to give the message that people are leaving Orthodoxy in droves. Not to say that the Orthodox community does not have its issues, but growth and retention are certainly not at the top of the list. Check out any demographic study but formal and informal and you will see that the growth of the Orthodox community is mind boggling while that of other streams is taking the opposite direction. Unfortunately our largest growing group other than the Orthodox are the unaffiliated.
(12) Anon, January 15, 2020 8:47 PM
Beautiful. Thank you, Judy, for presenting your perspective.
(11) MESA, January 14, 2020 5:11 PM
I like this article and I like the point it makes but I think there's another important point to be made. Most, if not all, of the writers of these Anti-Orthodox memoirs are not making anything up. They experienced the corruption and hypocrisy firsthand. The fact that these things are happening is a huge Chillul Hashem. And they're not limited to right-wing communities- corruption and hypocrisy happen in more Modern communities too. As Torah Jews, we need to call this out and try to make things better. We may not be able to get these writers to come back (although we should certainly stay connected and hope for the best) but we need to work on getting rid of the corruption and hypocrisy and not sweep it under the proverbial rug.
Judy Gruen, January 15, 2020 5:05 PM
you make a valid point
Hi MESA, I'm sure that the writers had good reasons for their disillusionment (and worse). And certainly more modern Orthodox communities also have their share of significant problems such as those you mention. Wherever these problems exist in our communities they must be faced head-on. However, those of us who found beauty, meaning, connection and the truth of our precious spiritual heritage were also not making things up. It is impossible, at least for me, not to conclude that the mainstream media is reflexively anti-religious, because OUR stories never get told. Turning a blind eye to our reality is a way that they control the narrative, stepping over the inconvenient truths that they would rather not see.
Nancy, January 15, 2020 9:25 PM
Re: Stories of those who have gone off of the derech
Is it possible that many publishers believe "if it bleeds it leads?" Perhaps they are only seeing $$$ signs and nothing else. I have no first hand knowledge of how the publishing industry operates, so this is only a guess. With that said, I hope LOTS of people will be telling their stories as Judy has done.
MESA, January 16, 2020 6:08 PM
I agree 1000% that the good stories need to be told. I myself have gotten so much inspiration from these. But these stories, true though they are, don't fit into the popular agenda of "religion is archaic and outdated and we need to just do whatever we want." That's sad because people are losing out on so many good things.
(10) Charnie Feldman, January 13, 2020 9:45 PM
Thanks for sharing the other side of the story
Thanks, Judy! I loved your “Skeptic and the Rabbi”, 5 stars on Goodreads and Amazon. It was so refreshing and relatable. And so normal. A Debbie Feldman can attract hours of TV interviews and articles because people believe her reality (and I question that as well) is what Orthodox Jews are all like. There are thousands of happy, accomplished mentally healthy women even in the most right wing communities. But what could be more boring then relatively non dramatic stories like yours or mine? Hey, neither of us even did the eastern religion quest.
Judy Gruen, January 14, 2020 5:00 PM
"Boring?" perhaps, but never bored!
Thank you so much, Charnie, for your enthusiasm for my book. It's true, I couldn't manage enough dysfunction in my past (though I could easily have exaggerated it!) to make my book appealing to the bad-news industry. But in the quiet, or not so quiet, day to day living as a Jew trying to grow and learn, I wouldn't change my life story for anything.
(9) Anonymous, January 13, 2020 4:23 PM
a journey
Over 40 years ago I became a BT. Always striving to grow spiritually, I became more and more "ultra Orthodox" (or "chareidi," in Israel). My belief and faith and mitzvah observance remain strong and unshaken, unlike so many who've drifted from ultra-orthodoxy, but even though I raised my children in this "system," I have moved further and further away from ultra-Orthodoxy and have no regrets in doing so. The disappointments in what people call a "Torah lifestyle" have proved devastating to both FFB's and BTs. It is often bound in superstition and shtick rather than torat Emet. The sacrifices to provide a Jewish education have insured my children are strong in continuing the Jewish chain for future generations which is no small thing, but their skill level, a direct result of that education, is shockingly poor. It is unfortunate that these "tell-all" memoirs are filled with bitterness and spite (though in some cases may be sadly real) but until we really address the many negative things and enabling of these failures by current leadership, it is increasingly and heartbreakingly difficult to defend the direction ultra-Orthodoxy is headed today.
(8) Yitzhak, January 12, 2020 9:02 PM
Raymond
My dear friend. Lighten up. Be Raymond , not someone else. Don't be envious of others who observe differently than you are comfortable with. I promise no spirit of God is going to punish you for not observing the way your wishes are fantacising Be yourself. Be comfortable. Don't beat yourself up. You are a good person, observing or not.
Nancy, January 13, 2020 12:20 PM
To commenter #8 Yitzhak
While your words were meant for Raymond and not me, they gave me great Nechama. Thank you for being so helpful. Shavua tov.
Raymond, January 17, 2020 4:12 AM
This Above All Else
Yitzchak, so sorry for my delay in responding to your kind words, but thank you for them. I am not sure I should invoke Shakespeare at this point, but I am reminded here of one his most famous phrases, namely: "This Above all Else: To Thine Own Self Be True." Now, I don't mean to imply any kind of justification for moral relativism. And yet each of us are individuals, and an old yet wise television commercial of all things reminded all of us that we only go around once in life. Or perhaps I can invoke psychologist Toni Grant at this point, who emphasized over and over again that life is not a dress rehearsal. This is our one life, so let us each try to find a way to thoroughly enjoy it, while at the same time being considerate of the needs and feelings of those who are around us.
(7) Yitzhak, January 12, 2020 6:34 PM
Jewish cafeteria
There are countless facets to Judaism resonating across many observances and non observances. We choose what is important for us individually like in a cafeteria. Some are all in and some not so much. .It's all good.
Anonymous, January 17, 2020 4:16 AM
United We Stand, Divided We Fall
Speaking only for myself, I would say that my two favorite aspects of Judaism are the Torah learning involved, plus the feeling of camaraderie that I feel when I am in the company of my fellow proud Jews. I also beam with pride at the tremendous contributions that our people has made in quest of a truly civilized society worthy of G-d's Approval.
(6) Shel Haas, January 12, 2020 4:26 PM
The Torah life is a fiction
There is no distinct type of life described in the Torah that was originated in or about the year 1000 A.D. There has never been a distinct way of life before Babylon and the compilation of the Talmud. Currently, there are over 120 Haredi sects, each going its own way. If you follow a life depicted by our Prophets then I applaud you. Be rightous as you know right from wrong, be judicious in dealing with others, and care for those in need were their main message. As several of them stated, all else is an abomination before our Creator. Orthodoxy, by the way, did not exist until Reformers appeared in the 1700's. Before that, a "Jew" was a Jew!!! I suggest you read the Torah yourself, for if God wrote it, then every word is of God and no human has the right to comment or elaborate on its comments. The Talmud, written by Rabbis, allegedly gives them power over us because God supposedly said they were wiser than God. No rational human believes that to be true. Then , again, common sense is not common, to quote Maimonides!!
Anonymous, January 12, 2020 9:15 PM
you wrote: "no human has a right to comment"
If "every word is of G-d" then perhaps that includes: Deuteronomy 17:9-11.
Which appears to imply that *some* humans *have* a right to "comment". Just sayin'
Anonymous, January 12, 2020 9:27 PM
The Mind of G-d
I am not sure how one can justify that idea that no human being has the right to comment or elaborate on the Torah's comments. According to traditional Judaism, that is, the Judaism that has withstood the test of time for many thousands of years now, we have two Torahs, the Written Torah (Five Books of Moses) as well as the Oral Torah (the Mishna). Both were given over to Moses by G-d on Mount Sinai, for the simple reason that the Written Torah cannot be adequately understood without the Oral Torah serving as its explicator. In fact, it can even be said that the entire Book of Deuteronomy, which is the fifth book of the Torah, is in itself a form of the Oral Torah, in the sense that it consists of speeches made by Moses to the Jewish people during his last month on Earth. He was giving over his summary of the Torah's first four books, and thus was giving over his version of the Oral Torah.
Wrestling over the meaning of religious Jewish texts sacred to our heritage, especially the Torah, is the very lifeblood of our religion, the heartbeat of all that is most dear to traditional Jews and has existed since the dawn of time. And indeed, the very word we are called in the Torah, namely Yisrael, means struggle with G-d, which again refers to those magnificent, back-and-forth Torah discussions that we Jews love to engage in with one another. G-d does not want us to be passive receivers of His Words, but rather He wants us to be active participants, for it is only in such active discourse that we have any chance at all in taking hold of the very Mind of G-d.
Dvirah, January 13, 2020 7:35 AM
Disagree
The wide variety of Torah-based lifestyles is one of the strengths of Judaism. Nevertheless, keeping even just the basics of Shabbat, Kashrut & regular prayer give a structure to one's life that it would not otherwise have.
(5) Laurie Kurs, January 12, 2020 3:28 PM
small bumps in the road
I have always bee a frummie-wanna- be. But, whereas you seem able to get over the "sexist" views found in Torah, Talmud and Rabbinics..........I am curious how you did it!
Raymond, January 12, 2020 9:13 PM
Feminism and Judaism
I am not a woman, and so perhaps some people might say that I have no right to comment on this issue. But people comment on things all the time that they are not directly a part of, plus I only want to say one or two things here about the issue at hand anyway.
For one thing, although I am personally not a feminist, I still have wondered about the issue brought up here by Laurie Kurs. What i mean is, I have wondered how religious Jewish women themselves feel about this issue. And in my admittedly limited, informal survey, I have found that not only do such women not consider themselves to be oppressed or second class citizens in any way, but give me a kind of quizzical look when I bring up such an issue, as if to say that they find my question itself to be absurd. That doesn't mean that women are never mistreated in such families, but in those rare instances that I have witnessed such a disturbing phenomenon, such abuse is the fault of that morally defective husband, not of Judaism. Torah law simply does not mandate spousal abuse, at least as far as I know.
Secondly, all this may depend on one's values. What I mean is, feminists may see women who live out their lives as wives and mothers to be failures, as if professional success is the only accurate barometer by which to measure true fulfillment in life. However, in Judaism, what goes on in our house, is considered infinitely more important than what goes on in the White House, meaning that the true center for Jewish life is, in fact, the Jewish home, and in that regard, women reign supreme, as they are the ones who run the homes in the cases of just about any successful Jewish family.
Anonymous, January 13, 2020 7:38 AM
Thanks for Clarifying!
Well said!
Rachel, January 13, 2020 6:59 PM
You misunderstand feminism
I am an Orthodox feminist. Before retiring, I was an attorney. I expected the same opportunities and salary as others in my organization with my skill level.
In our home, my husband and I are equal partners. We both parented our children, paid for their education, shared major decisions, and have supported each other financially when either of us went through a period of unemployment.
That doesn’t mean our roles in the family are identical, simply that they are equally valued. I was very competent in my field, but I am not at this time qualified to practice criminal or family law because I have not studied and kept up with developments in those areas. And that’s just in law! If I am ill, I see a doctor. If I want to learn something new, I take a class. If my AC breaks down, I call an HVAC company.
Feminism champions the rights of women to have the same opportunities as men and to receive equal pay for equal work. That includes recognizing that the work done in families is of equal importance to that in an office, factory, or classroom.
Nancy, January 14, 2020 12:16 PM
To commenter Rachel
Yes! Sadly, MANY people misunderstand what the word feminism means. Your last paragraph says it all. I hope that you decide to come out of retirement and practice law once again. You are the antidote to the lawyer stereotypes, which drive me straight up a wall.
(4) Anonymous, January 12, 2020 3:10 PM
Ironic that she criticizes “right wing” Othodox
Considering the intent of her commentary (most of which I completely agree with), it’s ironic that she expresses her own bias in criticizing “right wing” Orthodox life. “Those who live in glass houses....”
Judy Gruen, January 12, 2020 7:19 PM
not quite accurate. . .
My intent was not to criticize "right-wing Orthodox" life, but to make the point that many of those communities were not a good fit for me. Saying that I knew myself well enough to know that I would not thrive in those communities is not the same as criticizing them. There is so much that is beautiful in them, and their steadfast commitment to Torah values is enormously valuable for all of us.
(3) Nancy, January 12, 2020 1:38 PM
Re: The all or nothing proposition
For the past few years I have been reciting Modeh Ani every morning. A little while ago I realized that I have been making a mistake and leaving out some words of Hebrew, I am the sort of person who tortures myself over mistakes and this error made me momentarily upset. I then realized that there was a time when Modeh Ani was not even on my radar! Judy--As you know I loved your memoir and even gave it as gifts to 2 of my girlfriends. Perhaps your work will serve as inspiration to other like minded individuals. I am certain that MANY men and women alike were skeptics who changed their views about Judaism over time. Perhaps one of them is working on a similar memoir as I type this words! Shavua Tov.
Anonymous, January 12, 2020 7:20 PM
with appreciation. . .
Thank you, Nancy, for your ongoing support and enthusiasm for my work. I appreciate it very much!
(2) Emuna, January 12, 2020 11:29 AM
Here here, with caution
Beautiful and important article. Well done! One part rubbed me just a little the wrong way, though. You said "Most of the anti-Orthodox memoirs sprang from experiences in the most insular, right-wing Jewish communities, and I could never have thrived there, either. I, too, would have felt stifled and confined. But I was fortunate to have lived in one that was accepting and encouraged individuality. " You therein imply that these insular, right-wing communities are inherently constricting and damaging but that "thankfully" other types of Orthodox Judaism exist. I think it's important to be careful not to paint a generalized picture of particular communities. For every stifled individual who breaks free and writes a memoir, there are thousands of people in these communities who continue to wholeheartedly love their way of life and are raising healthy, happy families. Keep in mind that most of the people writing these memoirs had other issues separate to religion going on as well (family strife, abuse, etc) Anyone from any walk of life would most likely run in the opposite direction of such a dysfunctional experience.
Anonymous, January 12, 2020 7:24 PM
I do agree with you
Emuna, I wholeheartedly agree with you, and as I was taken to task by another reader for the same reason that you have, I will repeat that no disrespect was intended to those more insular communities, but I knew that I could not thrive there. And I do fully realize the truth of what you say: that for every person who leaves those communities and writes a "tell-all" story about how awful their life was, other issues were most certainly in play. The best statistic I am aware of is that the Orthodox world maintains about an 80 percent retention rate, which is pretty darned good. Your point is well taken.
Anonymous, January 17, 2020 4:21 AM
Sterling Character
Anybody who actually knows Judy Gruen could never justifiably accuse her of any of the negative things said on this thread. She is about the most decent human being that anybody can possibly meet. In fact, she is the very opposite of anybody who would ever cause any strife, as she really finds a way to get along with everybody.
Nancy, February 19, 2020 12:54 PM
Re: Sterling Character
I would certainly love to meet Judy in person one day. Judy--You need to visit your supporters on the east coast! :-)
(1) Raymond, January 12, 2020 3:56 AM
It's Been a Hard Day's Night
Since the article above is largely of a personal nature, I feel free to give a personal response to it. I cannot possibly cover all o the issues involved in such a limited space, but perhaps the two main issues I am about to mention, are things that some people reading this, can identify with. Also, at this point, I figure that it is only fair that I confess to being more of an observer than a participant in the Orthodox Jewish lifestyle.
One issue I have with that lifestyle, is that I find that the more I try to immerse myself in it, the more I feel more and more cut off from the non-Jewish world. With that comes feelings of alienation from and contempt for the non-Jewish world. While some of those feelings are surely justified, not all non-Jews are terrible people, and not all of non-Jewish thought and culture are spiritual wastelands, either. Carrying around an Us vs Them mentality is a psychologically unhealthy way to live, and can even become dangerous in some instances.
One other factor I will mention here is that I personally find life itself extremely challenging, far beyond anything I am capable of fulfilling. I am not talking here about extreme circumstances, but rather about the basic things in life that most people take for granted and have no problem dealing with. I suppose I am an inwardly very weak human being, because I do find life almost unbearable at times, and so it hardly makes sense to me to make it so much more difficult with the endless laws that Torah Judaism demands that we fulfill. For those who have been born an raised in such a lifestyle, it may all come so easy to them that they hardly even think about it, but from my vantage point, I don't understand how anybody can live in such a way without going completely out of their minds.
Perhaps I simply do not have a well-developed enough soul. Maybe all that can be realistically expected of me, is that I abide by the Seven Laws of Noah.
Natan, January 12, 2020 7:21 AM
Baby steps
Raymond,
I commend you on your candor. That in itself is quite admirable.
A common misconception (which you may be aware of) about true Torah and true Torah lifestyle is that it's an "all-or-none" proposition. This is thoroughly wrong.
Any progress you/anyone makes in connecting to Torah/G-d is valuable.
Acknowledging that Torah law is true, does NOT mean that a particular individual is capable/ready to fulfill all of it "overnight". In reality, NONE of us ever gets there fully - it is a lifelong journey.
Another VERY important point: In Judaism, a person's worth is NOT measured by results/achievement - rather, it is measured by the effort invested (there are countless sources for this).
Finally, and perhaps most importantly: A counter-intuitive truth about spiritual development is this: Stepping out of your comfort zone and doing just a tiny bit that seems beyond your ability actually enables you to achieve that thing AND to grow and achieve more - even if you're not perfect in any of those achievements (G-d does not expect perfection - he expects effort).
Analogies prove nothing, but server to illustrate a point. A great analogy analogy is physical exercise: You get physically stronger when you gradually up the ante in your workout. The key in that case is making the effort and exercising mind over matter. So too with spiritual development.
Anonymous, January 12, 2020 3:10 PM
Try it; then speak!
Raymond, by your own admission, you are on the outside [of Orthodoxy] looking in; however, you seem to "see" only what others who are non-Orthodox or non-observant have decided Orthodox Judaism is all about.
Don't feel sorry for us; instead, join us with an open outlook and let yourself feel Orthodoxy. Experience a Shabbos with one of the many shomer Shabbos families who would welcome you as a guest. Find out how to get your questions answered and your doubts addressed forthrightly. Then come back to report.
Orthodoxy offers a rich, satisfying and ethical life to its adherents, a buffer against the upside-down world we live in. Start on your journey to reclaim your beautiful, Torah-true heritage!
Raymond, January 12, 2020 8:54 PM
Evil in Their Midst
What I am about to write is a response to both Nathan as well as to Anonymous. I may have oversimplified things just a bit. I am not a total non-participant in religious Jewish life. There are things I do that might have brought a smile to Rabbi Joseph Cairo's face. For example, I keep kosher at basically the level that existed here in Los Angeles back in the 1960's, which was kosher, but just not at the level that it is today. I have mezuzot on all of my non-bathroom doorposts, I tie my shoes the halachic way, I go through that Modeh Ani ritual every morning, I do not write out G-d's Name, I take off from work on the Yom Tovim, I attend in a kind of sporadic way, various local Orthodox Shuls, I identify most with the Religious Zionists, I would never marry a non-Jewish woman, and perhaps most dear to my heart of all, I absolutely love to study the Torah (may I especially recommend the incomparable works of Rabbi Jonathan Sacks? The Rambam is not too shabby either). And yes, with all the chutzpah that a shy man like me can muster, I manage to get myself invited to religious people's homes on the Yom Tovim, and sometimes also on Shabbat. I used to walk to shul on Shabbat, until I developed sciatica, making it a challenge for me to walk at all. Well, the moment that virtually all of the religious Jews who had until then welcomed me into their homes, find out how I get to shul these days, I immediately become a total outcast, a pariah, Pure Evil in their midst to be shunned at all costs. Tossing me away like that, as if I have suddenly become lower than dust, only serves to make me want to have nothing to do with them and their lifestyle. How can it be that all of that Torah study, has failed to transform them into decent human beings? There are other ways that I am not religious, but the only hope to get me any closer to such a lifestyle, is not to push me away like that, but to try to see that maybe, just maybe, that I have some good in me as well.
JAMES M, January 12, 2020 9:56 PM
Modern Orthodox
Sorry to hear that happened to you. I might suggest checking out some Modern Orthodox synagogues in your area if such exist. Most Modern Orthodox synagogues will be understanding of driving on shabbos if that's the only way way can get there. Additionally many smaller Chabad outreach synagogues follow the same sort of policy. Not advocating driving on shabbos, but, if look for a community that won't judge driving on shabbos and will still have most the elements of the traditional orthodox movements, Modern Orthodox can be very nice. Good job with all the hard work you're doing! keep it up!!!
Anonymous, January 17, 2020 4:26 AM
Rav Soloveitchik, the Rebbe, and Rav Kook
It is so interesting to me that you (James M) recommend Modern Orthodox Judaism and Chabad to me, because as it so happens, those have been my two favorite varieties of Judaism for many decades now. Well, okay, somewhere in there is Religious Zionism as well. This is not to cast total aspersions on the Chareidim. On the contrary, I attended such a shul for almost two decades largely because it gave me the feeling of expressing Judaism exactly as it was meant to be, without any deviations or gimmicks. It is just that for me individually, I do gravitate toward the movements that you have mentioned here.
Natan, January 13, 2020 8:17 AM
Your challenge now
Raymond,
Regarding: "... I immediately become a total outcast, a pariah, Pure Evil in their midst to be shunned at all costs."
So I think you're implying that there were one or two that did NOT reject you. They are, of course, the more mature, spiritually. Your challenge now is to accept that there are ALWAYS going to be spiritually immature people in any orthodox community, yet you can "handle" that and associate with those who aren't immature. And maybe even let go of the anger towards those who are immature - it's not about them - it's about your journey. If the Rabbi is approachable, you might express this issue to him so that he can, in turn, try to help them mature (they are unlikely able to properly "hear" it directly from the person they hurt, you) - but, again, that is not the main point here.
As James M mentioned, there are plenty of people who are not interested in judging you, but rather interested in giving you tools to develop - and they will likewise understand that it's up to you to decide how/when/what-pace to use those tools. The truly mature will also learn/grow from lessons you impart to them (knowingly or unknowingly). No one can ever really come close to Torah/G-d through being shamed/coerced in our/today's society. Even the most staunchly orthodox rabbis of our time recognize that. It's one of the reasons even the Lakewood community has become actively engaged in "sort of Chabad style" outreach in recent decades (they were generally reluctant, for various reasons, before that).
I have a friend for whom it took about 7 or eight years to keep Shabbat in typical orthodox fashion. At some point he felt comfortable enough to stay for the whole Shabbat so that he wouldn't have to drive. Perhaps there is a kind member who lives VERY close to shul who is willing to host you for all of Shabbat? Maybe the Rabbi?
Only G-d and you can know what the pace is should be.
Anonymous, January 17, 2020 4:34 AM
Two Prominent Families in Particular
Nathan, if you want to know the real truth about it, while many Orthodox Jewish families have rejected me the moment they found out that I am not Shomer Shabbat, really it is two families in particular, whose names of course I will not mention here, whose rejection of me hurt me particularly deeply. In both cases, they had formerly, for many years, treated me as part of their respective families. I felt I could be completely myself around them, and yet somehow they approved of me, that is, until they found out that I no longer walk to shul, at which point I became, in their minds, the latest incarnation of Genghis Khan. One woman's rejection of in those two families hurt me deepest of all, because she was and is sweeter than the sweetest of angels, yet when she found out, won't let me around her children, and has made remarks indicating that she thinks of me as mentally ill. Can you imagine? Is that supposed to be what Torah life is all about?
Anon, January 15, 2020 9:18 PM
Hi Raymond, I would like to offer another perspective. It's very likely that the people who used to host you for Shabbos simply do not want to enable your Sabbath desecration. There are different opinions on whether one may ask a person to do something if it will involve a sin. It's very possible that, rather than looking down at you, they just don't want the responsibility of helping you to sin. Think of it this way: perhapsto them, driving on Shabbos is like drinking poison. So they simply don't want to be a party to your drinking poison. Perhaps it is an option to stay by them overnight, to eliminate the need to drive?
Anonymous, January 15, 2020 9:23 PM
Hi Raymond,
I can very much relate to your statement that you find regular life difficult. There is nothing ostensibly wrong with my life - in fact, I am blessed, thank Gd! And yet, I often feel depressed and disconnected, sometimes it's a struggle just to get myself to do simple things. (I don't know if this is what you meant, but this how I related to it .) I am Torah-observant for 20 years now, but what I find is helping me now is a 12 Step program that I'm currently in, and in particular *daily personal prayer and meditation*, and a personal accounting that I'm trying to complete. Although, once upon a time, when I was regular and serious in praying, I felt quite connected to Gd and felt awesome (for the first time in my life), unfortunately I've fallen into a dishonesty and fakeness in my life that is just life-killing, frankly. With Gd's help, I'm trying to climb out, by praying and meditating (Jewish meditating), and by examining my life, and trying to do Gd's will and not my own. Things are actually easier for me this way. "Life" becomes Gd's department, and I just have to focus on what's in front of me right now and do His will on that. I've found relief like this. This is all rooted in the Torah, but I find that my 12 Step program helps me accomplish this practically. I would also recommend books by Rabbi Shalom Arush, in particular his books on Emunah (Faith) and Gratitude.
Good luck and many blessings!
Anonymous, January 17, 2020 4:42 AM
Joy to the World
Your words make me feel less alone, so thank you for that, although to be honest, those 12-step programs are just not for me. I tried Overeaters Anonymous for many years, and got nowhere with it. To me, it smacks of being like a cult, although certainly it is far less harmful than the more dangerous cults that all of us have heard about.
For me personally, what helps to relieve my feelings of depression and hopelessness is listening to beautiful music (Mozart, anyone? How about the Carpenters?), reading a good book (thank you, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks), taking a casual walk in the local park, or being around those about whom I get the feeling that they do not mind my being around them. I love it when I see real signs of kindness in people, and am enormously bothered in quite a personal way whenever I come across human cruelty, of which there is too much of an abundance in our fallen world.