Early last summer, I visited Israel and tucked a prayer into the Western Wall. It had been at least ten years since I’d made any serious attempt at prayer, but I was at a point in my life where the decisions I was making were not yielding the results I was looking for. I wanted to break the patterns that I learned in a difficult and abusive childhood, but I seemed unable to do so. I had already been married once to someone who treated me terribly; my boyfriends before and after usually weren’t any better. Wading through the quagmire of online dating was exhausting and depressing.
So I found myself divorced at 28 years old, standing in front of the Western Wall with a folded-up receipt from an Israeli gas station with just two words written on it: Husband, baby. I figured if there was power in prayer, it was to be found in the yearning of the heart and not so much in the power of the pen, so I kept it simple and tucked it into a crevice. I had rarely experienced such a longing, nor such a willingness to make the changes I needed to make to get where I wanted to go.
That night, I swiped right on a tall, good-looking Mizrahi man who is now my fiancé. It sounds like a love story from a novel, and in many ways it feels like it is (a lightning strike of luck, a handsome foreigner), but it is also challenging and complicated.
The least of the complications was the fact that I would have to convert to Judaism. In theory, this was no problem – I had seriously considered it before, because I had spent several years nannying for an observant Orthodox family and loved what I learned from them – but in practice it meant moving, changing jobs, and making all the lifestyle changes that go along with being an Orthodox Jew.
Gradually integrating the mitzvot into my life has provided structure and meaning that sustains me on difficult days and uplifts me further on good ones.
In many ways, transitioning into a Jewish lifestyle feels easy and familiar. I was raised a devout Mormon, so although I left that church in high school, I was intimately familiar with the "Old Testament" and found Jewish values to be already ingrained deep within me. I love the rich intellectual tradition of Judaism and find Jewish history and Judaism’s prominent figures, like Rabbi Akiva and Maimonides, fascinating. Gradually integrating the mitzvot into my life has provided structure and meaning that sustains me on difficult days and uplifts me further on good ones.
So far, so good. But in March, things got a little more complicated. I created a Twitter account to connect with other writers and advocate my own writing, and I began to publish more of my own tweets and get involved in others’ conversations. Many of these were positive about Israel, and many of them covered the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Before Twitter, my experience with anti-Semitism had been anecdotal: The shooting in Pittsburgh, the increasing reports of anti-Semitism, were sad and alarming but they all still felt somewhat remote. Then, within one week on Twitter, I was called a liar, white supremacist, Hasbara agent, dumb Jew, lying Jew, and a Nazi, among other names which are not fit to print. Someone threatened to dox me and publish my address so I could get the “punishment” I deserved.
Of course, it didn’t matter that I was not actually Jewish yet, nor that I had never even heard of Hasbara until someone accused me of working for them. It was made very clear that merely associating with Jews, or advocating for Israel, was enough to provoke the most inhuman rhetoric. For the most part, I took this in stride. It bothered me, but I wasn’t surprised by it.
Then one morning I met the limits of my ability to distance myself. It was the day after Amit Ben Yigal, a 21-year-old IDF soldier, was killed by a large rock dropped directly on his face from the roof of a Palestinian home. “What a price I have paid,” Amit’s father told reporters of the loss of his only son. I read that over and over again: What a price I have paid.
The seriousness with which I take a child’s life – indeed, the sacredness which Judaism attributes to every human life – makes me grieve when I see that a Palestinian child has been killed. I didn't know what I expected the reaction in the Twitterverse to Ben Yigal’s death to be, but it certainly wasn’t what I saw: Dozens of people earnestly rejoicing over his death in the most ugly and explicit terms. When I objected, they told me they hoped I, and every other Zionist Jew, would be next.
I’ve raised enough kids as a nanny and older sister to know that when you love a child, the thing you fear the most is the moment that occurs in the blink of an eye, a swift and irreversible tragedy. Now, I can tell you that it is also possible to lose sleep over the fear of the death of a child you don’t even have yet. My fiancé proudly served in the IDF and we will be proud to see our children serve as well, but it is impossible to consider their future service without knowing that what happened to Ben Yigal, what might happen any of the youth who fight for Israel, might also happen to us. Might happen to me.
Becoming a part of Judaism is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, but it has forced me to confront real human ugliness and to take on responsibilities that I would rather not.
I went to a wonderful Jewish friend of mine and cried bitterly into her arms. She was very sympathetic, but she wasn’t shocked or horrified. It is unfortunate, she said, but if you want to be a Jew, this is just one of the perks of membership. As usual, she was right. We finished talking, and she gave me a warm hug, advised me to be brave, and buttressed me with a big bowl of homemade matzoh ball soup. Still blowing my nose, I sat at the table with her kids and the mood shifted quickly from sadness to silliness.
Becoming a part of Judaism is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, but it has forced me to confront real human ugliness and to take on responsibilities that I would rather not. It is simultaneously one of the most joyous processes, and also one of the most sobering. As I move deeper into my own practice, and realize more about what it means to really take on the mantel of Judaism, I am having to learn an old Jewish tradition – that of holding gladness in one hand and grief in the other. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I’ve never doubted my decision for a moment.
Indeed, having such behavior directed at me made me realize it had always been there, and that it always would be there, directed at people I love. How could I do anything else but stand beside them? After all, as I’m finding out, being part of a community is one of the most beautiful parts of Judaism; no matter what happens, you aren’t Jewish alone.
(20) Anonymous, July 24, 2020 8:16 PM
What a special life experience, and reminds us Jews who were born Jewish and religious how privileged we are and brings me to deeply feel my own gratitude.Thank you for sharing and wishing you a beautiful life, and be proud of yourself for having the courage to do what you have done
(19) peter barrett, June 29, 2020 6:05 PM
My conversion was the most difficult and most rewarding
I never Twittered, but becoming Jewish contributed to my loosing 3 jobs, So I feel your pain. A messianic Jew really hated that I gave up on the J Guy and caused problems, An Arab complained to HR at another job because he felt threatened because I wrote notes on a pad in my office in other than English(Latin) and One Christian complained because 2 of my coworkers asked me to go to a Latin Mass so I could explain it to them, All 3 complaints lead to getting rid of the contract engineer.
And then the problems in Reform, I learned to say I am a funeral Director, working in Aerospace/defense earned me lots of hate in the Reform Jewish world
Nina Kotek, June 30, 2020 7:12 AM
Wow, what a story!
First,congratulations that you didn’t give up!
And please, I would love to know your whole story. Wouldn ´t you like to write an article about it?
(18) Anonymous, June 29, 2020 4:20 PM
God is great
Praying at the great wall is the zenith of prayer. I too will be visiting soon. Being a Jew has a price. Jews have paid through the centuries
(17) Anonymous, June 29, 2020 1:14 PM
Would you please forward this to Elizabeth Emery for me?
WOW! Another Emery who is finding her Jewish Roots
My name is Stuart Emery (Avigdor Ben Avraham) From Denver, Colorado. Maybe I can be of help.
(16) Sherri, June 28, 2020 8:30 PM
Beautiful story
You should be very proud and I wish you the best. I went to Israel for the first time last year and my heart will always be there.
(15) Yaacov, June 28, 2020 2:09 PM
The stories and testaments of Jewish converts are always the most interesting and meaningful to me.
I am an orthodox Jew from birth so I have never had to experience the journey of the righteous convert. And for this reason I am always enthused and
(14) David Lindsay, June 27, 2020 10:05 PM
Thank you for your honesty
Your script became a compelling read line upon line.
Once again thank you
David
(13) Kamal Mootilal, June 27, 2020 7:18 PM
In response to your article
Hi Elizabeth, Thank You for your writing. This really shows that the Jews are God chosen ppl., to be hated for no reason, but bc you're a Jew. Also, It is amazing how Our God the Grand Weaver, has weaved every painful experience in your life to something beautiful. Wonderful story. Have a blessed life. I would alsoike to know how do I start the Journey to become part of the Jewish Faith and life.
(12) Paul Kessler, June 27, 2020 1:03 PM
Thank You
Thank you for this wonderful article. It says everything about being Jewish, our history, and the hate and lies that not always ignorant antisemites have for centuries and still spreading today. Antisemitism unfortunately is in many people's DNA. Watching recent demonstrations I ask, where is are the marches and demonstrations against antisemitism. One can easily believe about Jews, "they world loves to mourn dead Jews, they just don't like us alive." As a holocaust survivor I feel like they are trying to kill us again.
(11) Heather Winer, June 26, 2020 3:22 AM
I love being Jewish but have never felt more alone.
(10) Rebecca Azran, June 25, 2020 8:27 PM
It is comforting to read your story and it is not terribly unlike my own. Those of us who have chosen Judaism experience challenges, joys, and sometimes sadness and pain in navigating the world of our chosen religion and new life. When I chose Judaism over 46 years ago, I did not have to confront the unbelievable anti-Semitism we see in the US and the world today, but I still experienced a range of other difficulties and emotions which occasionally haunt me to this day. That being said, I am very proud to be a Jew and a part of Am Israel. I would not have it any other way.
(9) Michael, June 25, 2020 7:42 PM
Familiar
I feel like this woman could be my sister. I'm also converting and I've had similar experiences.
(8) Steven, June 25, 2020 6:31 PM
I am curious to know how you family react to your decision to change religion
You write so nicely with passion and sincerity. I also took a glance at your blog which is also very well written. In particular I was curious to see how your family react to your decision., or perhaps you are no longer in contact with them?
You seem to know a lot about Jewish life and are attracted to what many would see as the more spiritual aspects. But are you honestly ready to dress in a modest way, and not eat your favourite cheeseburger etc? Lets say the lifestyle changes becoming Jewish obliges you to take on can be very hard on converts and Jews from completely secular backgrounds.
(7) Eli, June 25, 2020 5:06 PM
Mormons
I know several former Mormons, who had become fully observant Jews (one is still going through the conversion process). Each one is an outstanding human being. My amazing wife is a convert also. It truly takes very special people to be attracted to Judaism.
All the best to you, Elizabeth!!!
(6) William C. Levenson, June 25, 2020 4:07 PM
Bless You
Bless you, young lady and welcome aboard. Now get to work studying Torah and Krav Maga...
(5) Bracha, June 25, 2020 3:06 PM
Thanks for sharing your story
Elizabeth, Your story is inspiring and I just want to say welcome to the faith and best of luck to you and your new family. Judaism does come with many perks! May G-d continue to bless you on your journey, always. Bracha
(4) John Oliver Mason, June 25, 2020 2:12 PM
Conversion
I'm also a Jew by Choice, and it was the best choice I ever made. I found a true spiritual home in Judaism. I also visited Israel and put a note in the Kotel.
Bracha, June 25, 2020 3:00 PM
I love reading comments from people like you, who have chosen to convert even though you probably knew the whole world would then hate you! I think Jewish converts are some of the bravest and most inspirational people in the world.
Sincerely,
Bracha
(3) Jacob Villeneuve, June 25, 2020 2:07 PM
I HAVE TO ADMIT, MY JUSTIFICATION FOR CONVERSION WAS FOR PRACTICAL REASONS
HER REASON FOR CONVERTING IS ON THE SAME PLANE AS RUTH!
MY CONVERSION WAS FOR THE LOVE OF A JEWISH WOMAN, BUT BARUCH HASHEM, I SLOWLY BEGAN THE PROCESS OF TORAH OBSERVANT!
AS A YOUNG CATHOLIC RAISED PERSON, I HAD EMPATHY FOR THE JEWS!
NOW IT'S THE OPPOSITE, I HAVE EMPATHY FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD!
Anonymous, June 25, 2020 3:02 PM
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s really inspirational and shows how G-d guides us all on our journey.
Bracha
(2) Jess, June 25, 2020 3:26 AM
Happy to read about your journey
Judaism values all human lives, and we all stick together.
I read your posts on exodusblog.org. Your story is inspirational and moving. Love reading about your relationship with Udi. Best of luck on your journey, I'll follow along!
(1) Michael Plotycia, June 25, 2020 3:07 AM
Beautiful Story
Elizabeth,
That was a beautiful story you related. I am a 60 year old goy who recently found out that my father's side is not Ukrainian, but Jewish. The information and heritage was hidden when my grandparents emigrated from Ukraine during early 20th century pograms. Nevertheless, I want my Jewish family to know that they have my love and complete support. I stand with all of you, always. Shalom.
Anonymous, June 25, 2020 3:03 PM
Michael,
Your story is fascinating and may G-d continue to bless you always.
Bracha