The first sentence of the Last Will and Testament of my sister, Carol Ruth Ryesky, reads, "I direct that all my legal debts and the expenses of my funeral, including a suitable grave marker, be paid from my general estate as part of the cost of administration as soon after my death as feasible."
This seemingly ordinary provision of the Will reflects and implements one of the most important decisions my sister ever made about her life – and about her death.
Carol had relocated to Florida a few years back. She found the climate there conducive to dealing with her medical conditions, and the condominium apartment she purchased was close to many of her friends. Her relocation also brought about a gradual rethinking of various spiritual issues.
As late as a half-year before her passing, she had stated that she wanted her remains cremated and the ashes scattered on the beach near her home in Florida. Though I made known to her my disapproval of that option, I did not press the issue too hard, knowing that Carol was a very strong-willed woman who had come to do things her own way, and that discussion of the issue would only serve to aggravate both of us.
Cremation is handing Hitler exactly what he wanted.
But following the unveiling of our father's matzevah, tombstone, the subject of our own respective funeral arrangements had come up in conversation, whereupon I had told her that a Jew who chooses cremation is effectively doing the Nazis' work for them, and handing Hitler exactly what he wanted. I sensed some discomfort in her voice and demeanor when I said that to her.
Not long thereafter, she told me that she was weighing the pros and cons of her decision to do the cremation option. She had gone through a few major medical episodes, and obviously was contemplating the eventuality of her own mortality.
A Month before Her Death
In January 2014, my wife and I were in Israel. At 3 AM Israel time, my wife's cell phone rang (my wife, as acting Chair of her hospital department, needed to be available by phone while we were away). It was the Florida hospital where Carol had been admitted in an unresponsive condition. They had found my wife's number on Carol's cell phone, and made contact with us. I authorized the hospital in Florida to administer the appropriate procedures.
Carol did eventually recover from that episode, and from a subsequent hospitalization. During this period she had occasion to mention that she did indeed wish to have a proper Jewish burial.
On the morning of 27 April 2014, at my home on Long Island, I received a telephone call from my cousin in Philadelphia. My mother's telephone call to Carol had gone unanswered and my mother instinctively called the local police in Carol's town. The police in Florida had gone to the apartment and found that Carol had died there.
Our son, who had made aliyah less than a year previously, told us that he intends to stay in Israel, and that we should use what had been his designated burial plot in Philadelphia for Carol. I accordingly arranged for Carol to be transported from Florida to Philadelphia for taharah (purification) and burial, and so she was.
But on 2 April 2014, less than a month before her passing, Carol had executed a new Will, which, as already mentioned, specifically provides for a grave marker, thereby definitively reflecting her desire for proper burial in the ground.
On the day of Carol's burial the sky was grey and overcast. My rabbi from Long Island accompanied my wife and me to Philadelphia to conduct the funeral. It began to rain hard just as we were finishing filling the grave with soil, the timing of which we all saw as the Hand of God, and which gave my mother a modicum of comfort. Carol had been given a proper Jewish burial.
Cremation
Even before the Holocaust, cremation was antithetical to all Jewish values. Cremating the dead only serves to deprecate the value and sanctity of life. It facilitates the denial of death and the afterlife for the soul. And the benefits touted by advocates of cremation are questionable, including matters of expense, dignity, and environmental impact.
Carol's burial gave her family and friends a level of closure and comfort that could not have been achieved through cremation; indeed, cremation would have further exacerbated some emotional wounds. There is no doubt that having made her decision to be properly buried, Carol removed a great weight from herself in the final month of her life on earth.
But what would have happened had Carol not changed her mind? The medical examiner, satisfied that there had been no foul play involved, did release Carol's remains midday on Sunday 27 April 2014 (and, to the relief of us all, did not see fit to perform an autopsy). Had there been a cremation, Carol would have been transferred immediately to the local funeral establishment and cremated the very next day, which was Monday, 28 April 2014. 28 April 2014 corresponded with 28 Nisan 5774, which happened to be Yom HaShoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day. What a cruel irony it would have been had Carol been cremated on that day! This cruel irony would have been exacerbated on Carol's first yahrzeit, 27 Nisan, which will fall on 16 April 2015, and which will be Yom HaShoah 5775.
The decision to have or not to have a proper Jewish burial is more than just a matter of personal preference; it impacts those close to us and, in some ways, resonates throughout the entire world. It is the continuation of a Jewish tradition that dates back to when Abraham purchased the Cave of Machpelah to bury Sarah. And in His own special way, God provides support and backup to people who take the initiative to do the proper thing, whether in making their funeral arrangements or anything else. Carol's decision was amply and conclusively validated.
May the memory of Carol Ruth Ryesky, Bracha bat Aharon, be for a blessing!
(11) Reuven Frank, March 23, 2015 12:21 PM
Dying like a...LIVING like a Jew
I made a life-changing decision a long time ago to live as a religious Jew. I do not wish to use this forum to preach,
BUT
I *can* blame this on a Rabbi (LOL).
One of mine said to a group of students (including myself),
"The best way to assure that one dies like a Jew is to LIVE like one."
(10) Anonymous, November 5, 2014 10:03 PM
Much appreciated
Thank you. I very much appreciate this article. Just one question rabbi or anyone else that can help.
I have written my will and informed family and friends of my wishes to be buried but it bothers me greatly how hundreds of years later bodies are exhumed. Even bodies not embalmed are being dug up stuck in a museum somewhere, have DNA taken and sit in a cardboard box in some lab. How do I reconcile my desire to be buried with the knowledge of what can happen to those buried?
*Rabbis, I'm not meaning to be offensive and dont want to upset anybody but have written in and asked this many many times, if you deem this post inappropriate I truly understand and beg your forgiveness but could you please reply explaining how I can get my head around my desire to be buried and knowing bodies are often dug up in the future?
Many many thanks
Janie
Kenneth H. Ryesky, November 8, 2014 11:39 PM
Even if the bodies are later exhumed, Jewish burial validates Jewish law and the Jewish people
Janie, I myself have thought long and hard about the issue. Please consider the following points (in no particular order):
A. There is always the possibility, remote as it may or may not be, that your remains (or Carol's or mine) might possibly be exhumed in the future. In the event that such should happen, the situation would in many respects be no worse than if the remains were cremated.
B. If it is known that a decedent is interred with valuable jewelry, then that would draw the attention of the grave robbers. If it is known that the decedent was not interred with anything of value (which is the way kosher Jewish burials are conducted), then the grave robbers would tend to take no interest in the grave.
C. The fact that a Jew is given a proper Jewish burial is a testament to, and an affirmation of, the validity of our funeral practices.
D. Though some incidents of cemetery vandalism are attributable to adolescent boredom, such is rarely if ever the case when a Jewish cemetery is involved; those who vandalize Jewish cemeteries are almost always motivated by animus towards the Jewish people. The phenomenon of malicious damage to Jewish graveyards reflects the fact that the enemies of the Jewish people are intimidated when we Jews give our dead proper kevurah. This is all the more reason why we should do so. The attempts at cemetery desecration by our enemies are yet another validation of our Jewish burial traditions.
E. Holocaust denial is more difficult to perpetuate if there are expanses of Jewish graveyards with marker stones. As our enemies attempt to rewrite history, Carol's grave, my grandparents' graves, and, after 120 years, your grave and mine will be a monument to the fact that Jewish communities existed.
-- KHR
Anonymous, November 12, 2014 5:47 AM
KHR - Thank you for the wonderful explanation but sorry it fell on you to reply
KHR,
You are blessing from HaShem.
I have pondered on this for years but at long last have the answers I needed.
Cannot thank you enough for your original post but also taking the time to explain in a manner I can grasp - I'll cut and paste your reply to keep handy when the nagging thoughts reappear but somehow I dont think that likely :)
JRosen
Mike, November 11, 2014 8:58 PM
(by far) increasing the chance
Shalom,
while this may not be a perfect answer, a Jewish cemetery is probably by far the best option since Jewish graves are meant to last for eternity. Unlike in nonjewish cemeteries where the bodies of the dead are liable to be moved or other people can be put in the same grave after some period of time after relatives have stopped paying fees, in a Jewish cemetery the bodies of the dead will not be disturbed and it has nothing to do with fees. I suppose that the fact that the grave is supposed to last forever is one of the reasons why a Jewish burial is more expensive. I suppose that there would be an even greater chance of the grave not being disturbed if the burial takes place in Israel since also the government will be stringent. Also,according to the Talmud, it will be a further advantage for the dead in the time of Moshiach when the dead will be revived. (may the Moshiach come soon in our time)
(9) Arnold, November 4, 2014 11:45 PM
Thank you for this article.I am now going to take care of my arrangements to have a Jewish burial instead of creamation.
(8) Gov, November 4, 2014 5:32 AM
You're letting Hitler determine what happens to your body after death? Seriously?
(7) gedzu, November 3, 2014 6:54 AM
our origins
Tov meod for the whole article and respondents.What will we show our children and great children linages?
(6) chevra kadisha member, November 3, 2014 4:22 AM
environmental impact
A Jewish burial has less environmental impact than cremation or some non jewish rites like embalming. The deceased is washed with water. The burial garments are made of natural fibers. The casket is plain wood. All of these decompose naturally intto the earth. Those of us who serve on chevra kadisha consider it a privilege to perform this final act for a fellow Jew.
(5) kay, November 2, 2014 9:19 PM
Cremation
My sister died two weeks ago and I found myself dealing with this situation. My sister was cremated. Even though I had a burial space for her, she thought the expense was too great. Afterward, her husband could not bring himself to accept her remains. She is now in a small box in my home. When her husband gives me permission, I will place her cremains in a grave with a headstone.
I once worked at a funeral home assisting families with burials. In our vault were "many" cremations which were left behind. I even had a call one day from an apartment building where someone had left cremated remains.The family could not be found. Yes, most people do receive their the ashes of their loved one but then what? Many can not let go by scattering them. It is too much of an act of forever goodbye. No place of remembrance.
I remember that the first known act of cremation was as an act of punishment in the camp of Israel. Someone had taken some things from Jericho which had been forbidden. This effected the whole community. Execution and cremation was the punishment.
Death is part of life but so is grief. Even in death we effect those we leave behind. I need that place of remembrance of my loved one and a place to remember I have a creator who does not forget us when we are finished with this physical life.
(4) Yaakov Branfman, November 2, 2014 6:44 PM
There is a very good article on cremation at: http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1798345/jewish/Cremation-or-Burial.htm which talks of the 5 main arguments in favor of cremation and then points out the fallacies in each of them. In #4 on his list "Decomposition is Disgusting" he has a very graphic description of exactly what goes on in the oven. I thought of cutting and pasting it here -- that should be enough to prevent anyone from doing it -- but it's pretty graphic. I recommend, though, reading that article. It could come in handy one day for someone you know: "In 2011, over one-third of all Jewish dead in North America were cremated."
(3) Avraham Nahoumi, November 2, 2014 5:00 PM
Jewish burial as opposed to cremation
I strongly believe in traditional Jewish burial because it honors the memory and body of the deceased. Cremation, on the other hand, implies that the deceased is simply a piece of garbage which must be disposed of.
(2) betty, November 2, 2014 4:08 PM
I honestly feel that funeral costs should not be very costly.After all it is the last thing that can be done for the deceased and what if the family cannot afford even insurance? Rabbis , funeral homes, & all concerned with te final arrangements should come together and find ways to lower costs.WE don't need $ 5000.00 worth coffin or limo service or fancy shiva food etc.Come on, lets get together and do what we can to makle funerals solemn, not social.
Anonymous, November 5, 2014 2:55 AM
Thanks
Even though I worked hard all of my life (starting at 12) and scrimped and saved, 2008 saw me lose my ENTIRE LIFE'S SAVINGS thanks to the failure of the government and the greed of banks and Wall Street.
When it's my time to go I've not the foggiest idea of what will happen to my body because I sure as the dickens can't afford all the garbage that goes along with burial.
Anonymous, December 25, 2018 9:22 PM
cheap kosher burial
The Hebrew Free Burial Association of NY will be bury the Jewish poor free of charge, with dignity and respect. They are truly awesome!
Hebrew Free Burial Association
125 Maiden Lane Unit 5B
New York, NY 10038
Phone: (212) 239-1662
Fax: (212) 239-1981
E-mail: info@hebrewfreeburial.org
(1) G. Berry, November 2, 2014 1:27 PM
What if you don't have the money for burial expenses?
I hope aish will publish more articles on why Jews must not opt for cremation, since this unfortunate trend is on the upswing.
That said, I think many people opt for cremation because burial costs are so high. When some of our relatives died, they left no funds for burial and had no first degree relatives to assume the cost. The burden fell upon us. Costs, depending on the city, were between $7K - $30K for the most basic plot. You have 24 hours to come up with the money or there is no burial, and time is of the essence in Jewish Law. Our credit cards were maxed out and we took several years to recover financially. Honestly, if we had not been sensitive and committed to following Jewish Law we might have opted for less-expensive cremation under these circumstances, so I understand where people are coming from when they go this route, even though it horrifies me.
That said, there IS something you can do about it! Take out a very small life insurance policy for $30,000. Stipulate in your Will that this money is to be used for your funeral/burial expenses, and let people close to you know that you have done this. A small life insurance policy like this is truly inexpensive, and will save your family a lot of financial worry when your life (may it be after 120 years!) comes to an end. It is an incredibly thoughtful gift you can do for the loved ones who will be in charge of your remains, filled with grief, and under the pressure of time and money.
Anonymous, November 2, 2014 3:24 PM
Great information
G. Berry, first of all, you must be a very special and sensitive person to take upon yourself and your family the debts incurred to make sure your family members had a ritual Jewish funeral. "Kol Ha Kavod" to your for taking that financial hardship upon yourself, making sure Jews are buried according to Halacha. And, you advice about the life insurance policy is wonderful and manageable.
Thank you.
NuttyinNJ, November 2, 2014 6:09 PM
Life Insurance Policy
That is truly a wonderful idea, and one I will do now as well. I have one quick question, can any of the inexpensive life insurance policies that are affordable be used and you can stipulate this in that manner?