This new year I’m giving up labels.
No more classifying others. No more thinking I “know” someone based on their speech and dress. No more slotting people neatly into categories in my mind according to what “type” of person I think they are.
The labels we give ours represent what we’ve accomplished and signify how we want to present ourselves to the world. I’m a proud Jew; I love being a mom; I work hard at being a writer. These are all labels I want the world to see. But there’s a world of difference between the labels we give ourselves and those that are applied to us, often erroneously.
When it comes to being Jewish, labels can really get out of control. I still remember the woman I’d never seen before who visited my Orthodox synagogue and angrily told me she “knew” what “people like me” thought of her. (She walked away without a response; to this day I’m still completely mystified by what she meant.)
As an Orthodox Jew - sorry, there I go again with labels! - as a Jew who tries to follow the mitzvot, commandments, I’ve heard my share of abuse. I’ve been called a religious fanatic and also not religious enough. People have told me I’m “ultra-Orthodox”, whatever that means, and also told I’m not observant because I’m “Modern Orthodox”. Again, whatever that means. If someone has a problem with me I wish they’d just spell it out. (Actually, I’d sort of rather they didn’t. Can’t we all just live and let live?)
A friend of mine once joked that everything you need to know about the problems of Jewish labels is in the word “frum”, the Yiddish word meaning religiously observant. “U” are always in the middle, she explained: no matter where you are at, whatever you do, “U” seem normal. It’s the people on the other sides who seem far out and wrong. Tragically, when it comes to the Jewish community, there is no shortage of names to apply to others and the discord they encourage.
This splintering of our Jewish community flies in the face of Jewish tradition.
Our moment of greatest unity came when we all stood at Mt. Sinai to receive the Torah: it was the high point of Jewish history. This isn’t just an abstraction: Jewish tradition teaches that in addition to the millions of Jews who’d left Egypt, the souls of all future Jews were present too. We were all there, united as one people. The fighting and complaints that marked the Jewish people at other times was absent.
What if we were able to look at our fellow Jews and see what unites us, instead of what divides? What if we were to say: look, we all come from the same family?
Two thousand years ago Rabbi Akiva taught that a basic principle of the Torah is contained in Leviticus 19:18: “Love your fellow as yourself”. What would it look like if we could actually love our fellow Jews? That’s the experiment my resolution is all about.
We all know that labelling others is unfair, but a host of modern studies have shown just how pernicious it can be. One Princeton University study showed two groups of students a video of a girl playing. One group was told the girl was poor and another group was told she was upper class. When questioned afterwards, the group who’d labelled the girl upper class estimated she was smarter than those who’d labelled her poor. We have an unconscious desire to slot people into categories in order to make sense of the world. But labelling people this way prevents us from seeing them as who they really are.
I want to take the blinders off.
It’s only been a couple of weeks since I’ve started my no-labelling resolution, but I’ve already noticed a change in how I see people. I’ve been asking more questions and reminding myself that just because I know a few things about someone doesn’t mean I know their whole story. I’ve been taking more time to listen. Without the crutch of labels, I’m finding that I’m spending more time actually getting to know others.
Here are the three distinct steps to my Rosh Hashanah resolution.
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Judging other people favorably.
This is a basic Jewish premise: assume that others are acting well. Instead of jumping to conclusions about how bad we think our fellow Jews are, I’m trying to jump to positive conclusions instead.
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Reminding myself I don’t know the whole story.
It’s so easy to assume that just because we know one thing about a person that we know everything. Instead, I’m working on getting to know people and steering clear of the lazy thinking that labeling people can lead to.
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Listen.
Without the crutch of categorizing people in my mind, I find myself spending a lot more time asking questions and listening. What I hear is often surprising. It reminds me just how wrong it can be to assume we know all about people without putting in the effort to truly learn their thoughts and views.
No matter where we live, no matter who we are, we are all part of one Jewish people, the one people who stood together at Sinai. This year, let’s strive to keep the big picture in mind and drop all the labels, except one: my fellow Jew.
(7) Irene Rabinowitz, September 13, 2018 6:46 AM
I also wrote about this, last spring.
http://mobile.jewishvaluesonline.org/blogArticle.php?id=465
(6) Chaim Kwass, September 12, 2018 8:55 PM
satire of this
There are two types of categories of Jews There are those who put people into categories -and those who dont .
I for one am glad I dont put people into categories. (just not my thing ) To me everyone is equal and I ...?Well I am in category numero uno.
(5) K.H. Ryesky, September 12, 2018 7:20 PM
Your hat's not as black as mine.
I know you, you’re that new guy in shul,
praying slowly and intently line by line.
But I will give you no respect,
’cause your hat’s not as black as mine.
You do not shush yet you do not talk,
waving your hands like a circus mime.
Even so I won’t be nice,
’cause your hat’s not as black as mine.
The beggers come in for some change,
and I see you give them each a dime.
But I will give you no respect,
’cause your hat’s not as black as mine.
I tell all my friends that you’re not really frum,
my primary objective is to hurt and malign.
Your daughters will end up with husbands who work,
’cause your hat’s not as black as mine.
I tell them in shul not to give you a kibbud,
you’re just like a goy and we can’t drink your wine.
I make sure you’re on no invitation list,
’cause your hat’s not as black as mine.
“What a loser!” I laugh about you to myself,
you’re just a ba’al teshuva with no true bloodline.
Like a Hogwart’s Slytherin, true to form,
I curse you ’cause it’s not black like mine.
You sometimes daven at a different minyan,
The Rebbe says that you're out of line,
He sent me to burn down your house and to kill you
’cause your hat’s not as black as mine.
I don’t even bother to see the real you,
instead I spread tales of your deficient hemline.
If only I knew until yesterday you ate bacon,
perhaps I would give you a little more time.
We all dress up in different ways,
some with a gartel and some with a tie.
Some don’t even wear a jacket at all!
We are in no place to judge, it’s really all fine.
‘Cause when you judge,
you may just find,
it’s really you
whose hat’s not fine.
We can’t expect to change overnight,
it will take long and it will take time.
But eventually, it won’t matter that,
your hat’s blue or gray, not black like mine.
Nancy, September 14, 2018 1:51 PM
To commenter K.H. Ryesky
Did you write that brilliant piece!? It should be posted on EVERY Jewish website!! I grew up in an very Secular Jewish family and have become more observant much later in life. Every day I express hakaras hatov for the wonderful people who do not judge my lack of knowledge. (Believe me when I say I have a lot to learn!!)
K.H. Ryesky, September 15, 2018 9:29 PM
Not exactly, Nancy
Nancy, actually, it was making the rounds a number of years ago; I dug it up and tweaked it a little so that it would fit within Aish's character-count posting limitations.
(4) Anonymous, September 12, 2018 5:42 PM
Echo of the Netziv
I am told (I have no source) that the Netziv was strongly opposed to the "labeling" of Jews... We are ALL Jewish and some of us are more careful than others in regard to Mitzva Observance in various areas... A much more accurate way of "looking"... And... one of hte reasons that I wish that "Charedim" would stop labeling themselves as such.
(3) Jeff, September 12, 2018 5:28 PM
Absolutely!
Absolutely, let's stop labelling people; the human instinct to love "us" and hate "them" is too strong. A label can lead to horrors, as in Rwanda, Myanmar and so many other places. Let's do in Israel what we would want them to do there: Stop applying ethnic labels to the inhabitants of Judea and Samaria and grant all the human beings there equal rights. That includes the equal right not to have their land stolen, the right not to be arrested in the middle of the night and tried in a military kangaroo court, and the right to vote for their rulers in the Knesset.
Dvirah, September 12, 2018 5:45 PM
Rights Are Given
All Israeli citizens have those rights, regardless of where they live. But whether such rights can be safely granted to noncitizens whose stated aim is to destroy Israel is another matter.
(2) Nancy, September 12, 2018 4:31 PM
If you don't mind, I would like to borrow your resolution
Dear Dr. Yvette Alt Miller--
As usual, you have hit the nail right on the head!!
(1) Anonymous, September 12, 2018 11:29 AM
Excellent article
I am saddened by what I see as vitriol from one Jew toward another, more than any other time, in my experience, when there are disagreements and differences.
I worry more about this than antisemitism from outside.
We are one people who received Torah at Sinai.
During Sukkos, we are represented as one, all "types" of Jews, united, in the esrog and lulav.
Thanks for a wonderful article, during the Days of Awe.