In many Jewish families today, grandparents are the grandchildren’s only link to Jewish identity. An increasing number of Jewish kids are growing up in homes where Jewish-ness is, at best, a minor part of life. Jewish grandparents regularly tell me:
"I tried my best. My own children had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. I took them to synagogue on the High Holidays. I sent them to Jewish camps. And yet my kids don't seem to care and my grandchildren are growing up with nothing Jewish. I'm not happy about it, but what can I do?"
This common scenario is very painful for grandparents. The problem is exacerbated when the grandchildren are often not being raised in the same city. What can you do, anyway – especially without creating friction?
Over the last 15 years of working with Jewish families, my experience has taught that if you play your cards right, Jewish grandparents can have a very significant impact on the grandkids' Jewish identity. There are no guarantees, of course (is anything in life guaranteed?), but you can make a big difference.
Related Article: Will Your Grandchildren Be Jews?
Here are some tips to get started:
(1) Build the relationship: Grandparents have a special place in the heart of their grandkids. In most families, you don't need to discipline, you're not the one to force them to go to school every day, and you don't have to play the bad guy. You can simply be a source of love, appreciation and comfort. Build this relationship as much as possible. It helps your grandkids grow up with strong self-esteem and self-confidence. It helps you feel part of the family. And in the long term, it'll allow you to have more of a (Jewish and otherwise positive) influence on their lives.
(2) Set an example: You don't need to be a perfect Jew in order to be a good example. Be proud of your Jewishness. Research has shown that people – especially kids – are influenced more by role models than by information. So become one: Find new ways of developing and expressing your Jewish identity and go for it.
Here are some ideas: Go to shul more often than you do now. Attend to a weekly Torah study class. Celebrate Jewish a holiday that you haven't before. Read Jewish books. Visit Israel. The better the relationship you have and the more “Jewish” you are, the more influence there will be. You don't need to be perfect. As long as you are active and growing, you can have a big impact.
(3) Make the Jewish holidays fun: Make it so your kids and grandkids will want to come to visit you for the High Holidays, Passover, Chanukah, etc. If they enjoy coming, they'll come back. Prepare for it and plan for it. Make the holiday rituals fun. Take the grandkids out on your own to give their parents a break. Don't ask them to do too much or complain about their lack of visits – whether right or wrong, they are less likely to want to return. Give your grandkids lots of love and attention. Tell stories from when you grew up. (There are good Jewish story books to use as well.) Get lots of treats. Organize games. If you are not together for the holidays, send them big gift/candy packages.
(4) Pay for day school and/or tutor: One of the greatest mistakes we as a community have made is allowing the cost of Jewish education to get so high. Many are working to change that, and scholarships are often available, but the hard reality is that paying for Jewish day school is harder and harder for many families. Without strong motivation, parents are unlikely to make the choices necessary to give their kids a strong Jewish education. As I describe in Raising Kids to Love Being Jewish, a strong Jewish education is key to future Jewish identity. Day school through high school is by far the best choice, and has an excellent success rate at keeping them Jewish. If this is impossible, hire an energetic private tutor. If you can (especially if the parents can't or won't), step in financially to give your grandkids a strong Jewish education.
(5) Take them to Israel: Study after study, and family after family, it is clear that Israel works magic. Will a 10-day birthright trip make up for 12 years of lacking Jewish education? Certainly not, but visiting Israel – as often as possible – gives energy and inspiration to Jewish identity. Make it a priority to take a family trip and hire an inspirational tour guide. (And if possible, pay for it all.) Don't wait till birthright.
(6) Family tree: Build one for them or with them. At some point, they will become interested. Write down the stories. Record them. Show them where they fit into family history – and emphasize the Jewish parts of your past.
(7) Jewish home: Make your home look and feel Jewish. Add in some Jewish art, some Hebrew books, photographs of your trip to Israel, etc. Put mezuzahs on all those doors. Visuals make an impression, and this will help your grandkids feel comfortable with Jewish surroundings.
(8) Jewish values. Teach your grandchildren Jewish values and ideals. Involve them in activities like giving charity, visiting the sick, and hosting guests. Show them how taking responsibility for the world is a Jewish ideal. Shower your grandchildren with praise, and tell them how proud you are, when they act like mentschen.
(9) Talk Jewish, Israel: Make what is happening in Israel and in Jewish communities around the world a subject of conversation. Read about it and talk about it. In doing so, you are showing that Jewish identity is part of daily life – and you are introducing your grandkids to ideas and subjects that may pique their interest. Especially with the anti-Israel groups proliferating on college campuses, it is important that your grandchildren have the confidence to stand up for their own heritage.
(10) Be patient: You are unlikely to see results today, tomorrow, or the next day. That is not the goal. The goal is that as your grandchildren grow up, being Jewish will be important to them. Think long term. You want to have an influence when they make big decisions. So build the relationship and be the best Jewish role model you can be.
Here’s wishing you lots of nachas!
(13) ana, January 23, 2011 1:16 PM
to beverly
depending on their age, you can look at or have them look at www.simpletoremember.com because they have a lot of easy and persuasive arguments against the other religions and a lot of good information about judaism. also depending on their age, if there is a discovery program that comes near them or near you, they should attend. it's a wonderful program. i hope your grandchildren grow up to love being jewish and to be good jews.
(12) Tiby Eilen, January 20, 2011 5:38 PM
Use the title Safta/Saba
Rather than being the generic grandma, I chose to be called Safta. Having your grandchildren call you Safta, Saba, Bubbe or Zeide, makes a strong Jewish connection. If you wish you can change any time. Excellent article, emphasizing the unique influence grandparents have.
(11) Anonymous, January 20, 2011 1:44 PM
grandparents influence on jewish children
you left out one important thing: tell you grandcildren how important it is to marry a jew. ZMost grandparents are afraid to interfere if their own children are not sending this message. too bad! tell your grandkids aout the importance of marrying a jew!
Anonymous, June 14, 2017 10:35 PM
To commenter #11 anonymous
Yes!
(10) Beverly Kurtin, January 18, 2011 3:12 AM
Tsurus
My grandchildren live quite a distance from me and I've got a grandson whose father refuses to talk to me so I know how his son is going to grow up, but somehow... maybe someday. He knows that he's eating my kishes and doing it deliberately because his wife is convinced that Jews go to her hell unless they convert. The GREAT news is that my granddaughters have been asking. about their Jewishness, I'm planing on going to be with them and tell them about being Jewish and the REASONS to be Jewish. The key is Ezekiel 18 (among other areas). Christians depend on the blood of someone who died 2,000 years ago, supposedly shedding his blood for everyone's sins. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Nobody dies for the sinner; only the sinner dies. It is by showing the flat-out silliness of the Christian beliefs as compared to the sense of Judaism. Christianity is easy believism. Just believe in Jesus and you're saved. NONSENSE. If you don't believe in Jesus you go to an endless hell where you are eternally tortured. Christianity is a fear-based religion. Judaism, on the other hand, is WAY different. It is based on keeping the commands of Hashem, not the plagiarism that was used in the Christian books. Christians accept, blindly, the so-called saying of Jesus as being original. Jesus read the Jewish Scriptures. I wish I could afford to give them Jewish Schooling, but I'm on Social Security, so it is going to be up to me; I can't wait to give them their Tenachs and Siddurs.
(9) MAXINE, January 17, 2011 10:05 AM
jewishness
my great-grand parents fled Germany, and gave up their identity on arrival in their new "home" - my own father struggled for years because of it but never acknowledged his histroy and now they have all passed on and we have lost out on our "heritage" and can't fine any documentation/proof - so if this is your "heritage" wear it proudly-there are some like me who wish the "shoe was on the other foot"!!
(8) Anonymous, January 17, 2011 6:46 AM
100% AGREEMENT W/YOUR SUGGESTIONS
Our two grandchildren attend day school; however, it is an extraordinary but worthwhile expense of $50K per year. This school also supports a trip to Israel for the 8th grade class of which we heartily approve.
(7) Michy, January 17, 2011 12:23 AM
good ideas
Thanks for some realistic, good ideas
(6) , January 16, 2011 11:06 PM
Jewish Eduation
Your article on how to keep one's grandchildren Jewish...really hit the spot with me. This is a constant 'task' that every grandparent must have up front..Sadly to say, there is unfortunately a big number if not a majority of Jews of 'grandparent' status...that didn't see any of this as important when they were raising their own children/ and thus are oblivious to the importance of it now in the role as a grandparent. But onto the most important note here: Jewish education: that you are suggesting that grandparents pay or help pay for: Since the late 1960's as a parent and now being a grandparent where the fees for Hebrew Day Schools have become outrageously prohibited to many...I have been 'screaming' to the Jewish Federations in particular as well as to other groups...that it is so important...it is what must be given attention to...and that is: if if any parent is 'willing ' to send their child to a Jewish Day School , that the tuition should either be free or minimal. Instead of giving money to the schools for them to have money to pay their principals wages that are more than the President of the USA receives...or to pay the directors and other employees of the Federations similar wages that are uncalled for..or 'hiding' within the budge monies under 'fact finding trips' ...This money should be used for tuitions. In our area..it cost about $12,000 or more for 'elementary' school..and most people have more than one child. It is 'only' thru our children that we can hope to 'save' Israel/to save our people/ to know who we are/ where we are going. All this I have been 'yelling' for years...but it has all fallen upon deaf ears...a no one seems to want to 'rock the boat' of the Establishment who refuses to give up their 'benefits' /financial or otherwise. ( i guess you won't put this comment in...believe me, I didn't say all that I would have liked to have exposed..i did tone it down) P.S grandparents have financial concerns of their own ..do you know this?)
(5) jgarbuz, January 16, 2011 9:51 PM
Main tip: If you marry a nice Gentile girl, your children will not be Jews!
The main tip that every Jewish father and mother must give their child, and particularly their male child, is that if he marries a non-Jew, their children will be Gentiles. They will be off the reservation and out of the tribe. If it means something, fine. If not, there is nothing to be done.
(4) Stephen Hirsch, January 16, 2011 5:56 PM
Once Jewish, always Jewish
This is seemingly picayune, but it isn't. If your grandchildren are Halakhically Jewish, they are Jewish. Punkt, as we say. Too many people that they're not Jewish because they are not Observant, this is an important distinction.
(3) Anonymous, January 16, 2011 5:20 PM
I MOVED TO ISRAEL WHERE MY GRANDKIDS WERE BORN.
I LIVE IN ISRAEL AND MY GRANDKIDS ARE 100% JEWISH IN ALL WAYS.
(2) Joseph Toubes, January 16, 2011 4:08 PM
This is so important
The article is so important. Our granddaughter is blessed. Her great grandmother tutors her in Hebrew, she attends the Jewish community after school Hebrew two days a week. I pay for that and my wife makes sure she gets there and back. She also tutors her, keeps the traditions alive and takes her to services with her Great grandmother so she can see it in practice. L. said once that she wanted to know what the Hebrew was about,rather than just sit there. Her dad is not Jewish, I don't think he practices his religion. Mom is, but she doesn't remember much about Rosh Hashanah other than apple and honey tasted good. But our granddaughter fasted on Yom Kippur, understands what is going on. My mother in law and wife are responsible for it all. I pay the bills. But this article is real important. We cannot assume that they will pick up being Jewish by association with Jewish Kids. it doesn't happen. Jewish kids are generally snotty to other Jewish kids, they don't practice what they are taught. It is up to the grand family to make sure our mitzvahs, tradition and obligations are continued. Well done article. I am sending it on to all my Jewish friends.
(1) Ann, January 16, 2011 4:02 PM
excellent tips
I never thought how grandparents can help save their grandchildren beforethey turn away from their Jewish birthright. Thank you and I will pass the article on to those who may need advice.