My Non-Jewish Boyfriend

Like a whole lot of American Jews, my upbringing had a lot less Jewish identity stuff than what Ms. Cooper describes. It would have been much easier and more likely for me to become "a statistic" in terms of intermarriage. It was very obvious to me that my parents wanted me to marry a Jewish girl, but if asked why, I don't think they could come up with a cogent answer.

I don't understand how can one justify his/her people as being the light unto the nations without being religious, for unless that identity comes from G-d, anyone makes that sort of claim is absolutely the proudest of the proud. How can someone boast about keeping the fifth commandment and breaking the forth at the same time? What's the point of reciting Shema, if one disagrees with the content? If we put our Jewishness before our relationship with G-d, we are not nurturing a Jewish tradition but idolizing our own authority to pick and choose whatever we prefer (which is exactly what all the nations are doing). We are a people not because we make choices, but because we are chosen, and because there is the One who made and keeps that choice.

Beautiful article! Kol Hakavod for being strong and making the correct decision!

I'm really proud of her! She will never lose out by doing G-d's will. He is our loving Father, and knows what is good for us better than we know. The surest way to a happy marriage and beautiful children is to follow the Torah's guidelines. The Torah is an instructions book on how to maximize the gift of life. We would be foolish to think that we know better than the Creator of the world.

Robbie, your point is correct, but my goodness! Please don't be so mean! We cannot all be as perfect in the Mitzvot. I'm sure everyone that reads aish.com is here to learn and understand more about Judaism. I do because I strive to be more observant. As another comment pointed out, even the author describes breaking Mitzvot, but intermarriage is one that is maintained/observed. For some some women, like me, I choose not to wear pants (dress like a man). There are others I'm not so good at. We each have our own relationship with Hashem. We have to make our own journey of Tefillah, Teshuvah and Tzedakah. Thanks.

The author does not explicitly state it but I would guess from th closing paragraphs that she was inspired to be more observant after this experience.

Hard to understand. I thought the religion is continued through the mother. He was willing to convert. Caring more for one's parents' happiness instead of one's own is going backwards and very selfish on their part. It would have been more understandable had you been their son.
I notice you don't talk about being happy from that point on - only duty. Did you marry and have children? If not, what a waste of a life! And guess what; nobody cares about that but you...

Being a ffb (frum from birth) needs the same encouragement every single day thank you very much for the article I got a lot of chizuk from it and makes me aware of who I am I'm proud to be a Jew.

As a Jewish couple, my husband and I have been married 66 years, so obviously we are elderly. In my experience, it is easy to meet non-Jewish people since they outnumber us, Jews being maybe 1% of the population. What I observed in my experiences, was that I never attracted a non-Jew with whom I had more in common nor admired more than the Jewish ones. And as long as the author talks "attractive", in my and everyone's opinion, my husband looked like a movie star, plus he had a good job, college trained, nice family, hard worker, etc. Of our four children, we have three Jewish in-laws and one Chinese, a lovely young woman. So we are open-hearted.

Many non Jews would make lovely spouses for Jews who don't care about Judaism. But there is only one reason to marry another Jew: Torah requires it. Jewish day school, Jewish friends, a traditional Jewish home, Jewish holidays, Jewish ancestors, Jewish "culture", Jewish "values"... None of it means anything without commitment to Torah, the sine qua non of Judaism, which happens to explicitly forbid intermarriage (Deuteronomy 7:3). Such Jewish commitment comes mainly from parental examples of commitment to eating exclusively kosher, strictly keeping Shabbat, study of and adherence to Torah and Halacha, and general primacy of all things that make Jews different from non Jews.

Don't worry, the Jewish People will survive. HaShem promised it, and so far He has kept His promise (3000 years). The question is, are you going to be part of this exciting venture in history, part of the Jewish People, or are you going the way of those who stayed in Egypt, became Hellenists, Karaites, Sadducees, Reform and then Christian (like Mendelssohn's descendents). Are you with us, or are you forgotten? That is the question.

Alright, I respect your right to have these views, but this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. I'm a so called "gentile" and I would never break up with Jewish girl to preserve some misguided sense of "heritage". You really think this was honorable? Are you a fan of arranged marriages too because this is only a small step above that. Good luck to you in your closed minded world

For thousands of years since the Jewish nation left ancient Egypt, we have outlived the many empires and movements that tried to destroy or subjugate us. We are still here. They are all gone. Now that those Jews who give up their "misguided sense of heritage " to intermarry are destroying themselves, only those Jews who cling to traditional Jewish practice including in-marriage are growing in number. You are the mind that is "closed", closed to history, logic, and understanding of Judaism. I feel sorry for you.

I don't know if anyone will read the recent comments as it looks like it has been a while since anyone commented. I am a non-Jewish, who have fallen for a Jewish man, and he had recently told me that he is torn between his faith and continuing seeing me. We are very compatible, share similar views on several topics, enjoy each other company. He is very caring, genuine and has taught me a lot. He is also incredibly patient.

I am atheist, more so a believer in science. I do believe in God, but it is based on my own belief systems comprised of many religions.

We just started seeing each other, so it is too early to say, but I do feel that my life is hanging in the balance because one day he will make a decision. It would be to stay true to his faith. Or he could choose to be with me. I could not say at this point if I would convert, but I think I would live with it for the rest of my life always wondering if he resents having to leave his faith to be with someone.

I get the impression that it is a lot harder for Jewish people to date today than it was years ago. Technology, social media and dating sites has made it possible for us to only want nothing but the best. And this man has told me he has been lonely for most of his 20s and 30s, because he has not met any compatible Jewish women.

I care about him a great deal. I have told him he has to listen to his heart and decide what is best for him. In time, I however will ask him - is staying true to your faith worth being alone for a long time, or until you find someone.

Reading a lot of these comments is helping me, but I still feel alone because I don't know who to talk to.

Hi - it has been a while since you wrote this comment, but I am very curious as to how it turned out. I am a jewish girl dating a non jew and I have a lot of conflicting feelings too.

If you are still seeing him, my advice is to break up, as hard as that might be. Intermarriage is the worst thing for all, your marriage will always be full of conflicts. If you don't have a real Orthodox conversion which means keeping the mitzvos, you in truth remain a non-Jew and the children will be non-Jews. After marriage and with the birth of children, people usually have a religious awakening and that's when the conflicts start.

Ok so i am a non-jew, a christian in fact but what if i say that my whole christian life has been a lie and that the truth lies with the Tanakh (hebrew bible). If im going to raise my kids i would wanna raise them up in thr truth but how can i when i cant even marry a Jewish girl? Btw i am willingly to covert but im hoping anyone will accept me or accept me to marry their daughter

Hi Andrew - Converting won't happen if you want to do it specifically for a relationship.
But just so you don't worry - if you convert for the right reasons you'll be fine.
I am a convert. My wife's family has been ultra-Orthodox since Sinai. I have a brother in law who is also a convert. We have a huge religious family, all very seriously "black hat" and all very welcoming - actually very respectful and actually honoring me and my bro in law for our choice.
People forget your past after a while and they're not supposed to remind you (per Jewish law). Other than the past, everything is the way it would be had I been born a Jew, including the broader community. So don't worry. Look for Truth and you'll be fine.

One thing that scares me about assimilation is that as the Jewish population declines Jewish values might go with it. If there's one thing that truly separates Judaism from every other religion and makes it a shining light in the world - it's how extensive the values are and how they're practiced.

Was the author crying for days because she gave up love, for what? Did she meet a guy she liked better and loved more?

I Thank You Aish.com - for giving readers the opportunity to air thoughts publicly. As for me, I am more moved and drawn to what HASHEM SAYS - rather than to just give place to this-or-that idea. As I open the 31st Chapter of Jeremiah in Our Tenach, one of our Major Prophets, he writes - in verse 31 - "Behold the days come says the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the House of Israel and with the House of Judah, not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in that day that I took them by the hand and led them out of the land of Egypt - which My Covenant they broke although I was a Husband unto them - declares the Lord. But this is the Covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord, I will put my Law on their inward parts and write it upon their heart, and I shall be their God and they shall be My people. And they shall not teach any more every man his neighbor and every man his brother, saying - 'Know the Lord', for they shall all know Me from the least of them unto the greatest of them - for I Will Forgive their iniquity and I will remember their sin No More".
...Thank You Aish.com for airing this Jewish Site and making it possible for us to share our thoughts. Shalom Mishpochah - Ira

Jennifer, I am a man of 65 years old and whilst I have been happily married for 41 years, my son sadly got divorced after 8 years of marraige to a Jewish girl, which produced 2 beautiful girls now aged 7 and 4. He has become more Frum, but his ex has re-married out of the Jewish faith, and whilst they have joint custody, these two little girls have a frum home envirognment for Thursday, Friday, Shabbat and Sunday, but then go into a totally irreligious home for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Whilst the little girls attend a Jewish Day School, their little minds must be so mixed up! What to do, as time marches on????????

Our Jewish heritage, the one you want to preserve, places Jews as victims of intolerance. We were persecuted for being different and now we are to alienate non-jews because they are different? By not marrying outside the faith, we may be preserving a Jewish religion, but we are not perpetuating the values of Judaism taught to us by our history, Why not embrace the man you love for his differences and work together to create new traditions based on your Jewish identity. Judaism will prevail through the generations because of the oral traditions we learn in our Jewish households, not because our partners align with our religious beliefs. I can only feel sorry for the author.

Don't feel sorry for her; she chose to stay true to the Torah and her beliefs. You're mistaken if you really think that creating "new traditions based on your Jewish identity" is sustainable. The Jewish people are eternal because of Hashem's Torah; not the pick-and-choose method and then calling it "Judaism."

Jews, victims of intolerance?! Do you even know what the Torah says about how we are supposed to HATE?!!!!! Indeed, we are to hate Amalek and everything it stands for! Amalek's main attack was on holiness, which really means "separateness". It is the Jew's inability to separate himself from the outside nations that has brought on all this horrible anti-semitism! Don't forget that when the Jews left mitzrayim, FOUR FIFTHS WERE LEFT BEHIND. It is written that Hashem had great mercy on them, and that is why they DIED in mitzrayim. They were lost and completely assimilated! Indeed, we should push away non Jewish ideals, concepts and even the people! This is real Judaism, the kind most Jews don't want to acknowledge. Embracing the outside world is what we are to avoid, but when hasatan puts the non-Jews in our face, our yetzer tells us, "Just this one time, it won't be so bad." Jews are weakened by the goyim, wake up! I can only feel sorry for you Mr. Schapira. I hope you don't share your feelings about this with any of your children. It will put false ideas in their heads. Shame on you! And regarding aligning partners with our hashkafa, not being necessary... you are clueless. People that marry each other, while having different religious views DO NOT MAKE IT! Talk about a miserable marriage!

Indeed, 100% agree with everything. Intolerance towards non-Jews is an enormous chip on the shoulder nowadays when they pretty much tolerate us.

WOW! Thank you for writing. I love the positive vibes your article sends out and although I have never had to go through the same trials as you as far as intermarriage I believe your article has much to offer and that the message is one which I can still relate to! Thank you!!

Did you end op Jennifer marrying a Jew and keeping a Jewish home, just curious! I loved you article and agree with you.

In a way, I felt sorry for her. I'm Jewish and understand were she was coming from however, the way I look at it is that if he loved her and realized that him being Jewish is important to her and having a religion wasn't as important to him, then what's wrong with him converting to Judaism to keep the woman that he loves? Life is too short not to share it with someone you truly love so why let something get in the way of it when there may be a solution to the problem? Being Jewish is important to me, however, I am in the situation that I mentioned. The person that I love isn't Jewish but is willing to accept me and share the religion that is important to me with me. I fail to see the problem with that. This world needs more love not less.

The deal breaker was him converting to Judaism for a second date... obviously he was willing to. Also, why do we must force people to convert? I am a Christian and I will not force religion on anyone. People have to come to faith on thier own.

No jew is supposed to try to convert another person, not try to get a boyfriend or fiancee to do it for them. If someone wants to convert, they have to do it out of a love of the religion because it is a life changing decision.

I am a Gentile who married a Jew, 14 Years ago. As my children grew older I studied Judaism so that I could teach them their heritage and what it means to be Jewish. Their Mother who is the Jew did not know the answers to their questions, so I took on the Duty of teaching my Boys Torah and the Festivals and their true meanings. We started attending Synagogue together and in 3 more Months I will complete my Conversion, two days before my oldest Son Celebrates his Bar Mitzvah! My Sons attend Hebrew School on Sundays and we live a Jewish Life and keep a Jewish Home, sometimes to the consternation of their "Jewish" Mother. It's not enough to just Marry Jewish. It is important to keep a Jewish Home and live a Jewish Life and raise your Children with a Focus on Torah. Deut. 6, 7 and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thy house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. In order to be a Light Unto the Nations, we must Live a Jewish Life and keep G-d's Commandments, Always. I am a Jew by Choice and I teach my Children to be Proud of their Jewish Heritage and the importance of Living a Jewish Life and yes, when the time comes, of choosing a Jewish Wife!

WOW! That is beautiful! You get a lot of credit. Well said! Thank you.

Sadly, as the statistics bear out, the majority of intermarried homes are not resulting in a next generation that is Jewish. I have seen this in my own family, and throughout the community. But there are also times when an intermarriage becomes an in-marriage, where the non-Jewish spouse becomes Jewish and the born-Jewish spouse becomes observant. In those cases, it is a wonderful example for the entire community. My wife and I just wrote a book about our journey from being a (very) intermarried family to becoming an observant Jewish one (http://www.doublelifejourney.com). We also have started a support program for intermarried families interested in exploring becoming observant Jewish ones (http://www.j-journey.org).

As a direct descendant of a Jewish man who married a non-Jewish woman some generations back, I do believe my family suffered for its Jewish ancestry and the resultant lack of clearly knowing who they were. I came back to Judaism, but to do so I had to go through the traumatic agony of conversion to do so, which you cannot imagine unless you have had to go through it. I appreciate that not everyone marrying a non-Jew is in a position to have children and I do not wish to judge the situation of an older lonely Jewish person. However, in my own situation I was personally lonely and single for many years until I finally came home as the Jew I had found I was supposed to be - my soul was supposed to be Jewish - and once I was Jewish and frum, only then did I find my Jewish soulmate. Too late to have children of my own, but not too late to make a Jewish home, to have wonderful Jewish stepchildren and other relations through my husband and to find peace and wholeness for my soul.

You are labeling the majority of Jews everywhere including israel racists because they want to maintain their identity as Jews. The father who did not teach his daughter to observe the commandments was likely never educated in an environment where Torah observance was taught as an obligation if at all .Maybe just giving his daughter the limited education was for him a huge sacrifice and he will be rewarded on high. He shed tears over losing future Jewish souls. For certain Jews have an obligation to fulfill the mitzvoth to the best of their ability, but those who are failing in this area[and on whatever level we could all do better] are still Jewish and if they want their children and grandchildren to be Jewish that's healthy. Take a look at many Jews today who are more observant of the Torah than their parents and grandparents. As long as Jews marry Jews their remains hope for future generations and it should be encouraged no matter how removed one is from Jewish practice

I have read all 81 comments and their recursive sub-comments. Almost all are missing one very simple, logical and convincing message. Here are the 9 simple points: Logic dictates: (1) There is a G-d who created this vast and extremely complex world. (2) He created Man to continue His work in this world. (3) Man was created with desire to do good and bad; if left alone, Man would do evil at least half the time. (4) He gave Mankind a "manual" on how to live in this world and control the his evil inclination, called the Torah, which contains 613 Mitzvot (commands). (5) The nations of the world were not designated to keeping these 613, so he gave them 7 commandments; only the Family of Abraham was designated to preserve the 613; both are dear in the eyes of G-d. (6) G-d provided a method of Conversion, so the former keeper of 7 could now keep 613, if he/she truly desires. (7) G-d created Man with a "soul-helper" [Genesis 2:20], which is the Woman. (8) A Husband and his Wife are therefore 2 parts of a whole. (9) If the Husband is required to observe 613, but the Wife is required to observe only 7, or visa-verse, then the soul-person cannot become complete; it is only joined 1.14% (7/613); such a small percent is not considered joined and therefore not married! ** This is the logical and unadulterated truth about intermarriage; it has nothing to do with emotions, feelings, race, culture, or the likewise. Go learn the Truth - it's in the Torah!

I come from the southern united states and this story is told there among the goyim every day when a white daughter wants to bring home a Black or Hispanic (or Jewish) boyfriend. In fact my best friend who is black had this happen to him when he dated a white girl. Mom and dad want the daughter to marry within their own kind. The Jewish father who didn't teach his family to keep shabbat or kosher was merely a racist. For a totally assimilated Jew, what heritage is he protecting by insisting his daughter marry a Jew? High test scores? Voting Democrat? Not celebrating Christmas? I took my wife to a birthday dinner in Tel Aviv last week. We're observant american olim and were speaking English so we gave ourselves away as Americans . An older Sephardi gentleman asked to sit and talk to us. He wanted to know what was wrong with American Jews. How could they forget they were Jews and be so anti-zionist. How could they support giving the land that G*d gave us as a heritage away? How could thy say such horrible things about their own nation and people? The answer-in my opinion-most assimilated Jews are like this father. Simply racists. The positive connection to a heritage (and Israel) requires action. Keeping traditions like shabbat and kasrus. Truly celebrating holidays. Joining a synagogue and learning the cultural and spiritual values passed down through that heritage. And then living them. Then the father wouldn't be a racist. He wouldn't have had to have the conversation at all....the daughter would be living a Jewish life in a Jewish community and wouldn't have even considered marrying a gentile. She would be positively Jewish rather than merely a non-gentile. (Negatively Jewish) Being racist is a bad thing. So when it comes to intermarriage, few assimilated Jews see a real problem. Since their heritage doesn't really factor into their daily lives, refusing to intermarry makes them racist in their own minds. That's why is happens so often.

I agree

The Torah does Psa 119:105 נ (Nun) Your word is a lamp for my foot and light on my path. Psa 43:3 Send out your light and your truth; let them be my guide; let them lead me to your holy mountain, to the places where you live. are you really a light without keeping it???? are we really Jewish??

Marrying a Jew is the most important thing, when one Gd forbid marries out the faith,it plays into the hands of those in history who have gone all out to destroy Judaism. Building a Jewish home is the biggest victory over the nazi's and those before them who tried to destroy us. Whilst they are no longer we continue to build forever. It is noteworthy that many of those who do marry out the faith, later in life have serious regret when the come to realize the harm.

... is what I think every time I hear of/ see a Jewish guy marrying out of the faith. The sad truth is that our bloodline in that family will END THERE, PERIOD. American Judaism is for the most part empty and harmful to we as a people. As a side note, my friends and acquaintances born of Jewish fathers/ non-Jewish mothers WITHOUT FAIL end up spiritually confused, angry that they are "left out" by "real" Jews, hurt, and full of angst. It's a recipe for disaster and it's a shame. American Jews, get your you-know-what together. Stop passing on only the empty shell of what Yiddishkeit is TRULY about!!!

I was seeing a non-Jew many years ago - a sweet, generous and honest man who never did anything to hurt me and who really loved me. In my idealism I broke up with him and went off to Israel to lead a Jewish life. He even came to see me there in hope that I would change my mind. Instead, I married - and divorced - religious Jewish men - three times. I now know that all the stereotypes of Jewish husbands aren't true, as one was a deviant, one was an alcoholic and the third was just plain abusive. I'm now in my 50's and really regret breaking up with my non-Jewish boyfriend all those many years ago. I know where he lives but don't know anything about his life after we split up. I haven't contacted him because I hope he found a good person like himself and don't want to intrude on his life, but I think about him quite often. If I could go back in time and give it another try I'd go with the non-Jew.

I really feel your cry from the heart. The single biggest thing we Jews can do to combat intermarriage is to win young people's hearts and make them want to belong to us. Your Jewish husbands apparently did not act lovingly to you, so what do folks expect? No wonder you feel the way you do. It frustrates me that so many think that money and committees are needed to keep Jews Jewish. The most important thing is for us to treat one another kindly. Besides, so many non-Jews become wonderful gairim with so much enthusiasm. I don't know why Orthodox rabbis usually treat potential converts so badly, but I've seen it happen, to my great disappointment.

Short about me: Russian Jewish, agnostic, 40 years marriage with one Jewish wife, have sons & grandsons. The Jewish to me is a nationality not only the Religion. It's a big community of world wide people united each to the other in sufferings & pains, in the past - for the deep believing in One GOD Religion without exchange, and in the modern - for the blood & the brain in their body. So, to be a Jewish is always a social-political problem for them, excluding one country - ISRAEL From that side I am looking of the question about the relation between Jewish & non_Jewish couple. If that is only sexual relation then the question is a soap bubble. If that is matter to have a regular family and have children, then better to avoid Jewish – non_Jewish marriage for a safety in long time life and to avoid a lot of differences that you will have in the every day life. Be only good friends. If that is a Great Love, then doesn't matter the nationality or the Religion. But a Great Love has to be very good tested that is real. A Great Love is a very big feeling that come to both not to one, and that is much bigger then the sexual relation. Not a lot of people got it in the life, and only the time can approve that is Great Love or only sexual gravitation. Some times the great love come in long time marriage as a clear seeing in the mind, that why very important to have a lot of real common inside between a man and women before marriage. Conclusion - Ask your heart and your mind before to make a decision, and if both will agree, then follow this decision. I know that a lot of readers aish.com will not accept my view, but that is my opinion from my life experience. Thank you for attention.

I felt the same way as you. BUT I did not deny my heritage. Instead I asked my future husband if he would allow our children to be brought up Jewish and carry on the Jewish heritage. He was a non-practicing Catholic with religious family. He said yes. That is what we did. Now my children are both twenty something Jews who went to Hebrew school, were bar and bat mitzvahed and who are Jewish. I had everything and did not deny myself the love I shared with a non-Jew who ended up being the best husband anyone could ever ask for. My parents who were initially disappointed when I brought him home, now say, they could not ask for a better son in law.

I was married to an Angligan for 12 years when she decided to leave me for her stepfather , she called me a jew boy and other names and it probably in anger or she ment it. So you never really know

It was like a miracle that I married a jewish boy. I always thought jewish kids were too materialistic and did not like them. I almost married a Catholic, but I didn't then then I met my soulmate, who was jewish. However, our kids would be your generation and two of them married non-jews. THe one who wanted badly to have a jewish mate had two children with a jewish woman. THeir kids are wonderful , he is a terrific father and she is not a nice person, but seems to be a great mother, separately. THey never married. My other grandchildren have not lost their jewish identity. You could have married the true love of your life and remained jewish and raised your children jewish. That is what my nephew and his wife have done. I would love to know if your husband is the real love of your life (I hope so) or if you missed out on the real love of your life because you couldn't think outside of the box.

Yes, due to my strong Jewish identity,, I made Aliyah and found my true love in Israel!

“So, Dad, if our heritage is so special, and we have to be a light among the nations, and my entire future depends on it, why do I eat McDonalds, and why on earth don't we keep Shabbat?!” More silence. This time, it was my father that spoke. “I don’t know. I guess I never thought that far,” he admitted, somewhat ashamed. THIS is the indictment. THIS is the crux of the problem. All of the schooling, all of the Jewish identity activities--none of them teach the practical overcoming of the animal nature. And when hormones come a'calling, you do what you have always done--you please the beast. Hashem's promise is that you will be a separate people, not counted among the nations. He then goes on to frame a significant number of the commandments specifically in terms of holiness--separation. Not just the Sabbath, but Kashrut is also framed as a matter of holiness. The redemption from Egypt is now. Not as an accounting trick, but as a deep, spiritual, reality that we demonstrate. Keeping the mitzvot is a thanksgiving service for the redemption, which continues in every generation. Teach that to your children, and assimilation will be a nonissue.

As a non-Jew who engages a lot with Jews, I find this confusing. As a scholar on Islam, I have always found it disturbing that a Muslim woman may only marry a Muslim, whereas a Muslim man may marry a Christian or Jewish woman. As a democrat, I dislike anything that places a barrier between people. But I do know the risks of assimilation for Jews and other smaller religious populations. However, I am puzzled here. The writer valued her Jewish heritage, even though she's not religious. But since Jewish identity passes down the maternal line, surely her children would be Jewish. And if her heartthrob wasn't a fanatical evangelical Christian or Muslim or whatever, couldn't they create a Jewish household. And in the end, wouldn't her boyfriend/husband think it through and convert?

Surveys show that intermarried couples produce children that marry out at a rate of about 75%. Judaism doesn't allow conversion for the sake of marriage so if this gentile boy would have "converted" for the sake of marriage their offspring would only have a 25% chance of marry in, and that destroys the Jewish people.

only on a technical level is the next generation of a jewish intermarried woman actually Jewish. but the identity of the Jew is that much closer to being lost. it's extremely rare to find an intermarried couple, who's grandchildren are even technically Jewish, yet actually have a strong Jewish identity.

Denis, you raise a good point. When a Jewish woman has a child, that child will always be Jewish. However, there are still 3 problems. One, the marriage is not sanctioned, and in fact is not considered a binding marriage at all, so essentially the woman is sinning each time she has relations with the non-Jew (BTW - as an aside, the non-Jewish father is not considered the child's father in halacha). Secondly, if the father is not Jewish, the child is considered a in lower status. i.e. We have the priestly class, levites, Israelites, converts, children of illegal marriages, and so on. I think the child of a non-Jew comes in after converts. While I don't believe there are any halachik problems, the child carries a social stigma. And thirdly, it is difficult enough when 2 irreligious Jewish parents try to raise a child with Jewish value to perpetuate the race, imagine how confusing and difficult it would be when the parents have different religious backgrounds! That child would be one confused individual, and would probably not remain in the Jewish fold. So to summarize, for a marriage to be successful and happy, it is best if the parents share the same values and background.

I never saw or spoke to him again, although I cried for days just wonder: who won from this decision? You? Judaism? Jewish people? G-d? hardly anybody did. we need to seriously amend our entire attitude towards marriage with non-Jews. after all, a person who voluntarily comes on to Jewish identity or association with us, is already considered Jewish

Who won from this decision? Everybody! God, Jennifer, the Jewish people, Judaism, even the non-Jew! You wrote "after all, a person who voluntarily comes on to Jewish identity or association with us, is already considered Jewish" - in what meaningful way? In no meaningful way! A non-Jew remains a non-Jew until he accepts the Jewish laws and undergoes conversion. Please avoid such nonsensical and empty words in the future.

Dear Jennifer I want to congratulate you for having such a strong will to keep your Jewish identity in your life going. Great article for others in your position. Hard for the other side to read it, but they aren't the main audience! This article really made me happy knowing a Jewish woman will continue the faith.

Thank you for sharing what was an emotional but victorious area of your life. I feel/fear my own son may face this very decision if "she" refuses to convert. Judaism, a seemingly dieing kehilla, is the heart & soul of our lives. Everything that needed saying in this article was said. Thank you.

I, too, swore I would never intermarry; a few times, I went out with a non-Jewish guy, but only as part of a double-date with an engaged couple. It was never more than going out; nothing serious. After they married, I stopped even that. Then, at the age of 40, I met someone who shared my values and sense of humor, and was at least my intellectual equal. Children were not an issue; there were to be none due to a genetic issue on my side. (Although we did discuss it in case we were so blessed, and we agreed that as the children of a Jewish mother are Jewish, so too would any of ours be.) He disavowed his Catholic upbringing at the age of 15, and considers himself an areligious agnostic. He briefly considered converting, but was reluctant to exchange one failed belief system for the possibility of another. That said, I maintain a kosher kitchen, observe the Sabbath in the same fashion as I have my entire life, and he joins me in observing the traditions of yom tov (lighting candles, holiday dinners, and even helping our local Chabad build the communal sukkah). Our home is a Jewish home. My mother -- who, by the way, at the beginning said to me, "Well, you should see where this goes" -- has never met him (not even when he wanted to pay his respects at my father's funeral, and said he would stay away from the family and only stick with my friends -- none of whom ended up attending because she forbade him to do so) and does not permit his name to be spoken in her presence when I visit. There was nobody there for me during Shiva, which somewhat defeated the purpose. Each situation is different, and it is not our place to judge. I used to; it is important to me as well that we Jews retain our identity. But before I leave this earth, I have to believe that I, too, am entitled to some degree of happiness and love.

That's exactly what the tailor told Tevye on Fiddler on the Roof!!! And I deeply feel your pain, I really do. If, however, every Jew would intermarry for the sake of happiness, they maybe would all be happy, but there would be no more Jewish people. How important is the survival of the Jewish people? G-d created the universe & chose one people to whom He gave instructions, including the prohibition of intermarriage. Since you are where you are, how much further would it be to bring him closer to Judaism? Is Judaism really the same failure as his Catholic upbringing??? I bless you that your happiness be totally complete!

But what if you have searched for that Jewish partner and found no match and you are growing old. Do you accept the real love of a nonjew or live alone?

I think a better explanation of the need to marry within Judaism is that we intend to live that way. Keeping a kosher home, observing shabbat, raising the children Jewish will require both parents to be Jewish. I dated a non Jew for awhile; I was getting ready emotionally to break up with him when he announced his interest in converting, he did. We were married by a rabbi and have raised three Jewish children. Interestingly the children having watched some awkward interactions with my in laws have said they will only marry Jews.

I'm currently a freshman in highschool and the first girl I saw and had a crush on was Jewish. She told me we couldn't be together, basically telling me not to waste time on something that wouldn't have any future. To this day I still have feelings for this girl, anq

As a woman of both Eastern and Western European Jewish heritage in her early 60's, I am really disgusted by the misconceptions that so many people have about all Jews wanting to marry Jews, and that rejecting someone who means the world to a person is okay, no matter show s/he is. I don't buy it. I admittedly never did have a boyfriend, let alone marry and have kids, but I'll say this: If I loved a non-Jewish guy and wanted to marry him, I would do so in a heartbeat. If I'd had kids by such a union, I would've wanted to raise my children as atheists, but it would've been irrelevant, because I wouldn't have wanted kids for all kinds of reasons not related to differences in background, The person would have to be secular, like I am. That's one rule.

So you are old and never had a boyfriend anyway what exactly are you complaining about?

Dear Anonymous, no disrespect intended but I feel that your comments are meaningless (again, I mean no disrespect I am just trying to explain) because you never had to actually make the decision about marrying out because you never did marry. And if you had married, and had chdren, I think you'd find the core of your Jewish soul rising up in their raising. I don't believe for a minute that you would raise them as atheists. I think you are in denial - maybe that's why you never took the step into marriage? I don't know but I don't believe that your comments really represent the real, Jewish, you.

you have never had love as you have walled yourself from life itself. It seems that not only have you not connected with Jewishness, you have apparently not connected with the human race. Today 60 is not old. Break out!! See what your people have to offer. You can have happiness if you try. It's up to you.

I understand what Jews have to go through, it sure must be painful to self exclude yourselves from society. For the people who feel intermarriage is detrimental to the people, maybe the solution is Aliyah to Israel. Therefore you can avoid intermarrying with Gentiles. The Jewish by ethnicity (eg Howard Stern, Woody Allen etc... ) should stay here in America, and live happily with Gentiles. Best solution for the Mitzvot followers.

Living in Israel is good, but not a solution to intermarriage. There are plenty of non-Jews there as well. The solution to intermarriage is Jewish education and a Jewish lifestyle. That means more than 2 hours a week at Sunday school and more than "bagels and lox on Sunday, Matzah balls at Uncle Sol's house on Passover etc". A solution is understanding that there is G-d above who loves you so much.

Ironically, my Aunt found and married her non-Jewish husband while she was visiting Israel! But I will admit that I do still think the chances of marrying a Jew are greater, there. That is actually one of the reasons why I hope to go to graduate school in Israel.

Thank you for this article. I'm at a confusing time in my life atm and this shed some light.

I'm sorry, but you cannot say that this is not bigotry. You see, I am a person who has dated a Conservative Jew for five years, throughout which time I have quietly endured mistreatment by his Modern Orthodox family, only to be told recently by him that we have no future together on account of me not being born Jewish. The fact that I have Jewish ancestry, that relatives of mine died in the Holocaust, that I majored in Jewish literature in college, have a plethora of Jewish friends, and would convert to Reform Judaism for marriage is all meaningless to them and to him. All of that time wasted, my heart broken. I would never treat anyone thus because I do not believe in discrimination for any reason. You see, the pot cannot call the kettle black, and your religion does just that. Your people have bravely fought so hard for the same basic privileges and freedoms that others take for granted, but you shame your people to the eyes of the world by practicing intolerance. That's the truth. Exclusivity breeds resentment.

Jews believe that they have a mission in life. In order to fulfill this mission, it is imperative that Jews hold themselves separate from the people around them. (History amply demonstrates what happens to Jews and the World when this is not the case.) There are many people, if not peoples, who follow a mission in life which keeps them separate in some way from the people around them. Ultimately, it is up to each person to decide for themselves what their mission is and what it entails. Jews who accept the mission of Judaism are implicitly accepting that they are separate. This is little different to a Catholic who breaks up with a girlfriend because he has decided to join the Clergy. You can certainly blame your ex for the way things were handled. You may feel as if you were led on. I cannot change this. But to blame all Jews, or indeed Judaism, because he decided his mission in life necessarily required that he take a different path is not fair.

"I'm wondering how the writer would feel if she was spurned by another person on the basis of her faith or race?"........Thats a great point. Amazing... I start understanding some of the hidden foundations of the antisemitism.....maybe a reaction of a rejection.... this one can be count on the list...... I beleive that will be better for this lady..is she really love this man...to tell him to convert into Judaism...is he truly love her..he will do it...get into it...grow...and even be a great helper or leader in her jewish community. Why reject him in that way...just for not being? Will she enjoy been treated in that way...? What goes around comes around..........

ANTISMITISM IS NOT A RESULT OF REJECTION OF THE NON JEWS. UNDERSTAND THE JEWS FIRST, THAN THOSE WHO HATE JEWS.

Yes, it certainly is! When people feel rejected or "unworthy" it breeds resentment and hate!

You understand the hidden foundations of antisemitism? Jews reject the non-Jew? For your information, the worst form of anti-semitism , the holocaust, occured at the time of the worst assimilation of Jews in history. In Germany the assimilation and intermarriage rate was so high that many Jews themselves had long forgotten their magnificent Jewish heritage and were quite shocked and surprised when Hitler, yimach shmo, reminded them of it. And today, in our very own times, may H-shem, G-d , have mercy on us , anti-semitism is on a very steep and scary incline in almost every part of the western world, and Jews are really in danger in many of these countries. And intermarriage is at it's highest rate, between %50 to %70 in most countries. So there is no rejection of the non-Jew and yet anti-semitism is growing. Furthemore, I am wondering what your reaction would be if you heard about a Mormon who only wanted to marry another Mormon, or a Quaker who only wanted another Quaker or any Christian who only wanted to marry a Christian , or a Moslom who would only marry another Moslom. You would not see anything wrong with that at all. Because there's nothing wrong with it. Every person on the face of this earth has a right to marry within his own people. With one exception, of course. We Jews. What??? You Jew have the right to even want to stay within your own natural habitat where you belong? You want to remain, through marriage to another Jew, part of your glorious four-thousand year old family? How dare you??!!!

1- To blame antisemitism on the Jews is quite an antisemitic remark, Mr. Belarmino. You really owe us an apology. We are a people who have been burned at the stake during the Spanish inquistion, a million of us were killed by the crusaders, millions more by progroms, and six million during the holocaust. The soil of Europe is drenched in Jewish blood and you dare blame it on us? Furthermore, for your information and edification, the Jews have always occupied the highest positions in all of these governments and have contributed more to the welfare and advancement of humanity than other people.

I am thankful for this article, a good article, so true, more Jewish People should read this and know that to assimulate will only separate and draw lines from Judaism, sometimes its better for others convert to keep tradition, otherwise Judaism can be lost Heritage due to outside marriages. I have seen this and it is so sad that one doesn't care enough to remember those who have fought and died for the sake of Judaism, Tradition, our belief in one God, and what our wonderful ancestors did to carry us through in life. Are the sacrifices of many who are no longer with us be forgotten?? Were the many deaths for whatever reason not be considered?? Think really hard and what the consequences are before one marries out of Faith, it is so hard and will "Never", "Never" be easy. One will go one way and the other another way, never on the same road, never on the same page, one will Worship a man another will Worship only G~d, or whatever the circumstance may be. Many, many tears will be shed, and hearts will to be broken. Is it really worth it?? To live outside of Judaism is to accept whatever the world offers and does and it will dictate your doings and decide for you how you should live and be, what to worship and not to worship. The Holy Torah is a wonderful guide line to a good way of life, receiving and completing what G~d has destine for you in goodness. Just read the newspaper, watch T.V., internet and watch those arournd you, not to be judgemental but to learn and remember why You are a jew and they are not, The Commandments were given to us for a reason, did not Abraham leave all? Teach Your Children and participate in activities of the Hebrew Faith, separate yourself and etc. and etc. Judaism is awesome and our G~d is One. Rachael.

"I don’t really know why, but I think it had something to do with my soul." It died that day.

I'm wondering how the writer would feel if she was spurned by another person on the basis of her faith or race? Perhaps as a victim of bigotry? I understand that Jews don't proselytize but considering the bemoaning of the future of the faith in other areas of this website, it might not be a bad time to start. Marriage is certainly one means to that end, as the writer herself alluded to while recounting her first date! Intense insularity was probably a solid strategy for ancient desert tribes but in the 21st century it's questionable how the practice benefits Jewry overall. Ultimately, what's more important, the faith or the clique?

that being spurned because of faith is not a matter of bigotry. I grew up in the States in a place callled Syosset, L.I. and when I was in highschool (a little over 50 years ago) I remember that the local rabbis, priests, and ministers got together and had a meeting to figure out a way to work together to try to stop intermarriage. They were bigots? Absolutely not. They were just opposed to intermarriage. You asked what is more important, the faith or the clique. Ultimately, the most important thing for a Jew is to remain loyal to his noble ancesters, Abraham and Sarah and to remail a link in this great and illustrious four- thousand year old chain. When he intermarries his part of the link to Judism is ended with him. Why don't you read, "World Perfect", parts 1 to 12, on Aish.com and see what you think of it.

We see the agenda of Aish - you really, truly, want to be Jewish? Better follow Rabbis who say a book was written by God and is the same, and unchanged for 3,000 yrs. In the Diaspora to remain Jewish without being Orthodox is an uphill struggle, perhaps an impossible one in the long-term. Thank "God" we have Zionism and Israel - a nation where Jews can be Jewish while being liberated. Please Aish, don't ruin that one thing for us!

We Jews all need Torah and Israel needs Torah. What scares me more than anything is that it says in the Torah, referring to lthe Land of Israel, that if we don't keep the Torah, and follow its commandments, that the land will vomit us out, G-d forbid. And that means exil, G-d should have mercy on us. And this is very scary, especially if one is following the news. Do you know of any country in the world where Jews are forbidden to build and live wherever they want expect for in the State of Israel? And can you imagine if the world were threatening to take away half of Washington D.C. and throw out the Americans from that half and give it to a different people? Do you know the city of Jaffa (right near Tel Aviv) has such a large Arab population that they are trying to keep more Jews Jews from moving in and that a few months ago lthere was a demonstration of Jews saying that we have a right to live in Yaffo (Jaffa). YES we do need the Torah because only with the merit of Torah will we be able to continue to exist in this country.. SO instead of rejoicing that Jews can live here without Torah, pray to G-d that all the Jews should understand the holiness of a Torah life and that He should watch over and protect us.

A Jewish woman of my acquaintance found her soulmate when she was nearly 50. He wasn't Jewish. She married him. It's all very well to talk of how we should avoid intermarriage -- but who could possibly have the heart to tell this woman, who waited so very long to find her partner, that she should remain alone rather than marry a man she loved, even if he wasn't Jewish? Things might be different if she were 21, but now... who could possibly be cruel enough to tell her that she had to give up what might possibly be her one shot at happiness in this life? Not I.

First of all, if you're using the word "soulmate" in the literal sence,it's referring to the other half of our soul. Because when G-d created us He made us one soul and then devided us in half, and hopefully we will meet up with our other half again in this world and marry him and be together in the afterlife for ever and ever. This is called in Hebrew the "zivig" and in Yiddish, the "bashert". Now it's obvious that the other half of a Jewish soul is a Jew and not a non-Jew, just like the other half of an apple is an apple, and not a pear or an orange. So even though your friend married the man she loved he is certainly not her soulmate. Second of all, I am certainly not judging this woman who must have been very lonely, and also most likely was never taught "if it's a test, you have to pass it", as we brought up our children. But millions of Jews over the past two-thousand year exil have passed the test and refused to say yes to the non-Jew. Through the barbarian tortures and burning alive during the Spanish Inquisition, and the Crusades and the pogroms, they could have just said yes and had a chance for happiness in this life. The soil of Europe is literaly drenched in the blood of Jews who said no to the non-Jew. I, a happily married woman with children and grandchildren cannot judge your friend. But the children in the time of Chanukah , who risked their lives to learn Torah, and if they were caught the Greeks beat them savagely but they went to the caves and risked it again, rather than say yes to the non-Jew and loose out on their Judiasm, I wonder what they would say. If your friend had asked me, I would have held her and cried buckets of tears togther with her, but who would be so cruel to tell her to go against G-d and give up everything for some happiness in THIS life? Not I.

I tried so hard to meet a Jewish man who was of the same moral character, a conservative (in the political sense), and ready to settle down. By the age of 28 I had given up. All the Jews I met were liberal, progressive, and not the least bit interested in being in a relationship with a successful woman. I met my husband online through a website that allowed conservative patriots to find each other. I did not want another Soros lover in my life who would sing the praises of abortionist organizations. Together my (Catholic) husband and I have more in common than I had with any of the many Jews I dated. He is more supportive of ISRAEL than any of the Jews I dated. We named our children with Hebrew names and we are happy to celebrate a handful of Christian holidays. Perhaps if Jewish parents had raised a generation that was more mature, focused on education, aware of current events and the implications of bad politics than maybe I would have found a Jewish husband. Years of Hebrew school without learning Hebrew was an insult to injury and a poor bandaid on parents' easy fix for practicing their religion. Being Jewish to me was never about USY, Jewish camps, living in wealthy neighborhoods, smoking weed, going to Israel just to buy bongs, etc. But apparently it was to many.

I say good for you! I hope to be able to find someone too. I'm a Jew-by-choice, but I want to marry someone Jewish to preserve the heritage. I too am conservative, and I dislike how many Jewish men lack character and sensibility and who love Israel and the Jewish people as much as I do. It's quite sad. I know many gentile men who fear G-d a lot more and LOVE Israel much more deep as well. I'm trying to do my part here, but it's hard when born Jews take their heritage for granted. It's a shame. It's a beautiful heritage, one that is deeply connected to Hashem. I wish more Jews would see what I see as a Jew-by-choice.

So, what is your life like now? Are you fulfilled? You left me hanging.

It is very easy to say dump the non-Jewish partner when you are not in a relationship, but the fact of the matter is, human relationships are complex. First of all, I am convinced that many times when a Jew is dating a gentile, often times, that gentile has Jewishness in their lineage. One of my friends grew up Catholic her whole life but was always attracted to Jewish men and Jewish things and lo and behold, after doing research on her family's Cuban heritage, it turns out her ancestors were forced to convert. Her great-great-great-grandmother is Jewish and therefore, so is she!!! With the crusades, it is hard to know who is and is not Jewish, but I think that the emergence of all these new souls is a sign that Moshiach is coming in our lifetimes. The second point I want to make is that if a gentile man agrees to letting the woman raise Jewish children, there isn't really a big issue here. Of course, the ideal situation is for Jews to marry Jews, but we do not live in an ideal world, and so we have to make the best of current circumstances and encourage the non-Jewish spouses to convert.

After graduating college, inclusive Army ROTC, and having an engineering job at Raytheon Missile Systems Division, I had a choice of taking an offered critical industry/military deferred situation (at that time; 1961; only 6 months active duty was required)....or doing the 6 months and returning to my job at Raytheon and my life long Jewish involvements in the Boston, MA area. As it turned out, however, thanks to an increased Cold War threat, all deferred orders were cancelled and I made the choice to do the 2 years of active duty then required. To make long stories very short, along the way and very far away from "home", I met a most wonderful AND very beautiful (blond, of course) daughter of a career officer. To make matters more interesting, her father was one of the army's top dental/prosthetics specialists, her mother was a warm southern humanist, and 'daughter' is today a top recognized commercial artist. More to add to the story, is that her family accepted me as a Jewish man straight away. Things were getting quite serious to the point of being greeted as a couple throughout all the post. Well, painful as it was at the time, my unit was sent to a new strategic location. Time, geography and connections caused the doubts to evolve into a form of the 'who am I' question. Although many years have passed; and I sometimes think of those times, I am who I am....Jewish. These choices and tough decisions to be made along with the attendent deep pain, are a major component in contributing to keep Judaism alive.

As I read your story my heart was filled with admiration for you. You were given a very difficult test and you passed with flying colors. You should know that what you did, your part in keeping Judaism alive, brings merit to all of us, because when a Jew does such an act of heroism for G-d, it brings k'dusha to all the worlds (sifiras) and it comes down on all of us. If only all the people on this webcite would read your story and follow your example Moshiach would surely come and we would have our Beis Hamikdash-Holy Temple, rebuilt.. Saying "no" to the non-Jew is not easy, but it puts the one who did say no, right up there with Avraham Avinu, and Rabbi Akiva, and the Jews in the time of Chanukah, and all of our great people. H-shem y'vorech otcha - may H-shem bless you.

When a tall dark and handsome stranger drove into town in his extended cab Ford pickup truck, so tempting to lay on the horn to get tall dark and handsome's attention. I sent out a convoy to get some info on him, the first most important info I was seeking, was the tall dark and handsome stranger available. Sent several out on the mission to find whatever else they could find out. Every time I would see tall dark and handsome I would study him to see what I could figure out. I also said after the last marrying out when I wasn't listening to God trying to tell me not to, went ahead and did; I resolved and prayed to God to never let me make that mistake again. God had given me an assignment for the next year, which of course will be a light in the world (my area of influence) so I know what I need to be focusing on, and God hadn't included tall dark and handsome in his plans, quite the contrary. My mind started to drift with thoughts of tall dark and handsome and I would find myself distracted from what I know I'm suppose to be focusing on in the here and now. Tall dark and handsome, entertaining thoughts of him, was not part of God's plan for now, the distraction was the proof of it. Was I to far gone, my heart was involved in the quest of tall dark and handsome could be the match, the one. We would look so good together, Senior Ken and Barbie live. Each day this past week God's still small voice has been speaking to me, so so thankful. God was speaking also through this story, for tall dark and handsome is a pilot and it was like reading what I had been going through. The brakes has been applied before much info on the religion topic has been brought up. For now, this story spoke to me and confirmed what God has been speaking. Next year the timing for tall dark and handsome to be included, God may say, for the now, your voice was spoken in a way that God could use it, in my life, I'd say this author is being a light to the nations. Thanks!

I was so moved when I read this. Thank you. G-d has been speaking to both of us. May you be blessed with finding your tall, dark, handsome and Jewish soulmate soon!! You seem to have a wonderful connection to G-d. Use it. He is clearly listening very closely to you.... Shabbat Shalom!

Certainly many cannot, but you should not totally discount those non-Jewish parents who decide to convert or who are happy to raise their children Jewish. Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend decided he could not do this, which was a large part of the reason I broke up with him. However, many people in my Hebrew school class were only "half" Jewish but were being raised Jewish, and I know that it does work, sometimes. While I clearly understand the need to raise your children Jewish, as I left a wonderful guy in large part because of this like I said, I don't approve of discounting the real, if rare, option that a non-Jewish spouse can raise Jewish children.

It doesn't pay to take the chance. And anyway, it's forbidden in the Torah to marry a non-Jew. So it's like living in sin with this guy your whole life. Why don't you just stop meeting non-Jews and then you won't fall in love with one in the first place. It's not so easy? It only takes strengh of character. Why don't you read what Samuel Frydman, Mar. 31, wrote(above). , I'm very happy for you that you did have this strengh and imagine that you will only date Jews from now on. It would be wonderful if you could convince your friends to do the same. You will be on H-shem's side and He will surely love you and bless you.

Such a thoughtful and rich article pointing us back to our roots. Marriage is always the cornerstone of our faith, it is the power through which we are purified and assured of the salvation of I our future generations. Marriage springs from the caring and nurturing of the faith in the quietness of our noisy world. Thanks so much for this witty article. It has really excited my tear glands.

I wish that, as a child, my family had provided me with a positive sense of what it meant to be Jewish. I grew up in a cultural desert, devoid of an appreciation for our rich Jewish heritage.

Why don't you come to Israel and learn in Aish Hatorah? Rabbi Akiva started at 40! There are plenty of yeshivas in the U.S. also, but a year in Israel has something very special about it.

I am Jewish, I have struggled to date only Jewish men and I'm unable to find a husband as yet. I desire a family with children. Many jewish men easily marry out & leave Jewish woman to struggle and compete for the leftovers like hungry rabbid dogs. There are several issues in the community that is the cause of this. I've been extensively studying this issue. Jewish men tend to marry later in life & prefer women on average 10 yrs younger. Jewish women who also marry later due to career & educational goals prefer to marry closer to their own age range. This alone presents many challenges. Im also tired of being introduced to anything with a pulse , a penis and who is Jewish. I need a normal man, who wants to be married and have children. Its not my job to "sell" the idea of marriage & kids to anyoner or force that on a man. I'm seeking a partner, I know what I have to offer and I'm all about being a great partner to my husband. I have educated myself, worked on my ways of being, continue to work on myself to be the best I can possibly be as a wife, as a mother and as a Jew. If you truly believe that its you job to help, then pls help me. I'm in my mid 30's and if I dont find a Jew, Ill be FORCED to date a non-jew as Im not open to giving up on having a family and children

Dear Galina, You are the reason I wrote this article. I sincerely hope that somehow I will be able to help you. Thank you so much for so honestly reaching out. You can also try Rosie and Sherry and see what they advise, since they are professionals with a lot of sensitivity to your situation. Please write to webmaster@aish.com and request my email address, so that we can be in touch personally. Let me know if there's a problem...

I once got caught up dating a non-Jewish girl. I didn't realize it at the time, but I decided it wouldn't be such a good thing. I took her to Shabbat dinner at the local Chabad house and it turned out she really enjoyed it! I thought I had messed up. Four days later she broke up with me exactly as planned.

It’s like an article I read once (possibly on aish?) which said that converting to Judaism is like becoming a citizen of a country. If someone who wants to become a citizen of a country commits a crime or does not promise that they will never commit a crime, you wouldn’t allow them to become a citizen. But if someone who is already a citizen of that country commits a crime (even murder), they are still considered a citizen of that country. It’s the same with someone who wants to convert to Judaism and someone who is already Jewish.

The author left out the most important part- its all about having a relationship with G-d. Being Jewish is not about rituals alone- the purpose of the rituals is to bring us close to G-d. Non Jews also have rituals, so it can't be that rituals alone can keep Jews connected to Judaism. The Judaism has to be authentic- including not eating at Mcdonals and observing Shabbat.

I see your point, liked the article, but it seems to me, you decided upon marrying a Jewish guy because it's "easier" more comfortable to keep your traditions (which I see you weren't THAT orthodox before) inside the Jewish bubble, than keeping them with a guy who's religion is different. I totally understand why Jews marry Jews, but I think it depends a lot on the soon-to-be-spouse (both Jewish and inter-religion marriages) What would you prefer: Marrying a devout and respectful -- -insert other religions here- who would probably be there for you whenever those important dates of the Jewish calendar and probably be delighted about those dates because they mean something to you...or marrying a Jew who's not as observant as you or traditional, just because he was brought up Jewish? In which of the two lives mentioned above did you become the light of the other person (world)?

This is a good article, but I think the author is downplaying her own strengths that led to her decision to keep her relationships within the faith: respect for her parents (something which is virtually non-existent now), a love for Israel, and valuing tradition. Unfortunately, this will not prevent most Jews with a similar upbringing from intermarrying once they are in a situation in which they are exposed to circumstances that facilitate it. I grew up similarly. Jewish identity was a huge part of my life...and yet, I too began dating non-Jews. It wasn't until I started exploring the Torah for myself, and really thinking about what it means to be a Jew and have faith and keep mitzvot,that I really knew what it meant for me to be a Jew and marry Jewish. I wasn't as strong as you though - God took care of ending my relationship, and then I was able to pursue an observant life. Now, I am married to the most wonderful, yarmulke-wearing man in the world, and I thank God for it all the time. But I think that if I didn't pursue actual adherence to halacha and mitzvot, it wouldn't have mattered in the end. For most of us, we can have all the Jewish identity we want, but if we are intellectually honest with ourselves, we can't use that as a reason not to intermarry. I would be interested to see what percentage of Jews who go to day school and identify themselves as "traditional" marry out. And, to be fair, compare it to those who went to yeshiva and consider themselves "orthodox." I wonder if there is a difference or none at all? Anyway - more power to you...you made a difficult, and important decision that I'm sure changed the rest of your life.

Liked what you wrote, and agree the article was a good one. You said "we can't use that as a reason not to intermarry" I take that meaning having a Jewish identity won't keep someone from intermarrying for they won't find enough reasons in that of itself to comprehend correlation Jew not a Jew big deal. Being involved in a strong Jewish community will keep in check others in the community. The older watching out for the younger. Jennifer Cooper is the mentor for those that their Jewish community is Aish.com. She has instructed according to Jewish Law, also with the wits of a woman that has been there. She knows what it's like to have fallen for that guy, or on the verge of, that would of hindered coming into full circle observant as one grows. Those non Jewish guys can be of God's plan to help us to examine ourselves, to question what is important to us and where we desire to manifest and define our Jewish identity and step up to the next level. Others may be satisfied and content on the ladder and settle on the comfort zone on the step there on. Examples of yours and Jennifer Cooper, shows no regrets in climbing up the ladder. Perfect examples!

I thought that Judaism was about tolerance, acceptance, and that because of Jewish history, Jews should be especially sensitive and empathic towards discrimination. Instead, this article promotes prejudice and suggests if people do not hold the same values as you, they are compromising their Jewish identity. You are entitled to your own opinions and to live your life as you choose, but the fact that you would judge someone and stop being their friend because they make the choice to be happy with someone who is not Jewish is despicable. A person should not be treated as any less than another based on their associated faith- to say that someone who you otherwise recognize as a good person should only be treated "civilly" based on their religion is disgusting. People should be treated on their merit, and differential treatment based on affiliation is pure discrimination. You allege that Jews should be "a light among the nations" but if this judgment is what you are projecting, shame on you. A "strong Jewish identity" might "save Jews" however, there are many ways that a Jewish identity can be developed that do not rely on self-imposed segregation. You say that in order to nurture and care for our “Jewishness” this “continues and ends in our home”, and in my opinion, this is incorrect. We are not a people unto ourselves: we belong to a larger community- the world, which is filled with many different people. Part of being a Jew is compassion, caring, and respect for everyone. I feel that your development of a Jewish identity falls short of recognizing this. You are free to develop your Jewish identity as you like however, I truly believe that this “Jewishness” should extend beyond your “Jewish school… friends… and traditional home.” Date who you like, practice your beliefs as you would, but please be careful as asserting your opinions as absolute beliefs.

Dear Jessica, I wish I could reply to everyone who took the time to write in their reactions. However your comment could not be left unanswered. It literally begs response, and I sincerely hope I will not be the only one. To be honest, I was going to answer each one of your points, one by one. But I think I will give you a quote from the world's greatest racist, that sums up and defends my "intolerance", "prejudice", "discrimination" and "despicable" actions: Here's what Hitler had to say about "me", and those like "me" in Chapter 11 of Mein Kampf, "Race and People": "The Jew offers the most striking contrast to the Aryan. There is probably no other people in the world who have so developed the instinct of self-preservation as the so-called ‘chosen’ people. The best proof of this statement is found in the simple fact that this race still exists. Where can another people be found that in the course of the last two thousand years has undergone so few changes in mental outlook and character as the Jewish people? And yet what other people has taken such a constant part in the great revolutions? But even after having passed through the most gigantic catastrophes that have overwhelmed mankind, the Jews remain the same as ever. What an infinitely tenacious will-to-live, to preserve one’s kind, is demonstrated by that fact!" Hitler didn't realise how prophetic he was. We also survived his overwhelmingly murderous disaster. So far. Jessica, If what I did and am doing is bothering Hitler in hell and avenging the death of my brothers and sisters who were largely "acculturated", just like you, then so be it. I will not apologise. In fact, I'm proud of it, and your response only strengthens my resolve. Thank you! May you be blessed with clarity and open-mindedness towards everyone: even us proud and insular Jews.

Jennifer, I appreciate that you recognize my message begs for an answer, however, a reaction to my message rather than some quote alluding that my thinking might be in any vein similar (which it is not) to that of Hitler would have been much more appreciated. Firstly, you say that the quote is what Hitler had to say about “you”, however, that is incorrect. The quote is just as much about me, an “acculturated” Jew as it is about you. The Jewish race was targeting, not an expression of Judaism. This quote does emphasize a perseverance and will to live on behalf of Jews, but I do not see how only dating within the religion is a necessary prerequisite for the Jewish identity to survive. Additionally, I find it terribly sad that you seek to avenge discrimination and hatred with discrimination. If the past history of emphasizing group distinctions does not teach you a lesson in the destructive effective I do not know what should. Jews, like many other groups, have been prejudiced based on their associations at great costs, and this should not be acceptable. While you move forward to protect your identity by finding strength in insulating yourself, I choose to have faith that my views and identity can thrive while being part of much more. We live in a multi-cultural society, and I hope I can use these influences to further my identity (which Judaism is obviously a part of) rather than guarding against these influences. You quote Hitler, I quote Martin Luther King Jr: “I have a dream that [we will] one day live in a nation where [we] will not be judged by [race], but by the content of [our] character”. If you do not want to be discriminated against, don’t discriminate. The very code that you live your life by, the Torah says: “The stranger who resides with you shall be to you as one of your citizens; you shall love him as yourself.” (Leviticus, 19:34). Love. Accept. More than civility is necessary.

Jessica, You say that you do not "see how dating within the religion is a necessary prerequisite for us to survive". YOU ARE RIGHT. It's really only part of the solution. The first necessary prerequisite must be the WILL TO SURVIVE. That is what my story was about. How I discovered my own will to survive as a Jew. My desire to be a part of the continuing survival of my people. Why I thought I was able to discover that back then, and how I believe that quality can be nurtured in non-affiliated Jews today. You seem to be at that same stage, on the verge of making or breaking your contribution: Do YOU have the will for the survival of the Jewish people? I sense that you are indeed passionate about your Jewishness, which is why this article elicited such a strong response from you. I think we could probably be quite good friends, given our common ground - even though our opinions as to how to express our love for our common heritage differ. I hope with all my heart that my story will open your heart to greater introspection, personal discovery and as great an acceptance of your fellow Jews as you have of all peoples.

With all do respect Jennifer, I think we have very little common ground. The unfortunate effect of your article is that it further highlighted the elitist and intolerant beliefs of a sect of Judaism and makes me much further dissociate from the Jewish group. Hard core, fundamentalist opinions like yours do not suggest tolerance and recognition of the diverse world we live in, and perpetuate problems. I can honestly say that in the past few days since I have discovered articles on the Aish website (namely this one and the "path to straightness") I have experienced feelings of embarrassment for being a Jew.

Dear Jessica, The last thing I wanted was to distance another Jew from their Judaism, G-d forbid. My intentions are only good, even if they don't match your requirements. Don't let my views deter you from discovering something valuable in your heritage. Who am I, after all? One woman, with one story, and one point of view. Many agree, many don't. You are the same. Many will agree with you, and many won't. One thing you cannot deny: there is no such thing as a "negative identity". Don't define your Jewishness, or your universalism, for that matter, according to what you are not, or don't want to be. If you concentrate on seeing the positive qualities that you wish you emulate in life, you will not be so busy looking for the negatives in others. So you don't like me? I disgust you? Fine. So be it. However, you are far too intelligent to assume that mantra about all Jews, just as I'm sure you don't think all men are (fill in the blank) or all the French/English/Germans must be (whatever). Give up on me, but don't give up on yourself! You were born a Jew for a reason. That's not fundamentalist or hard core. That's a fundamental fact.

Jennifer, I am sorry if my dislike towards ideas you said in your article has indicated to you that I don't like you, or that you disgust me. I do not know you. I know one aspect of what you believe, and concluding that as a person you disgust me is incorrect. We have different beliefs, and I responded to your post not out of disgust towards you, but out of fear as to what your message might reflect. And you are right, I was born a Jew for a reason. That is because my parents were Jewish. Period. In my opinion, this furthers my belief that we should not automatically reject a person because of their religion. I was also born with brown hair, should I only date other brunettes? Part of a Jewish identity, or "Jewishness" is the values developed. Islam and Christianity, as well as the Judeo-Christian basis of Canada's political system have MANY complementary and identical values. Therefore, inviting these influences into our lives should not, in my opinion, be seen as threatening. I was responding to your argument, not commenting on you as a person.

I'm sorry, but I agree with Jessica. It's just trying to beat discrimination with more discrimination. Besides, if you liked the guy, you could've asked him to convert...or is that just not enough? I feel it's rather insulting to say something like this. If the other party is not Jewish, but they love you and want to help you preserve your Jewish identity and pass it on to your children and grandchildren, and they want to become Jewish, I don't really see the issue...at all. Your trying to rationalize your point makes things a lot worse.

Jessica, let's look at other religions and what they do to keep them going. The Catholic Church is the largest Christian Church, you are expected to marry in, and if you are interested in someone that is not Catholic, then you are expected to sponsor them through the RCIA program to convert them before getting married to them. Before getting married you have to sign a paper saying you will raise your kids Catholic. Muslims marry in also, and the same implies to them, if they are interested in a non Muslim, to convert them. Many after moving to the U.S. will go back to their country to find a Muslim wife and bring her over here. Jessica, would you call Catholics and Muslims are discriminating by doing this? I don't hear of people saying those things about Catholics and Muslims, only about Jews who want to marry in. Between Protestant churches, a Baptist wants to marry a Methodist, a choice will be made, where will they go to church as a family and the kids will be going to either a Baptist Church or a Methodist Church depending on what the couple has decided, and the other will be expected to become a member of the other church, is this discriminating? Messianic Jews want to marry other Messianic Jews, they don't want to marry a Catholic or a Mormon, are they discriminating and being intolerant of other people faiths? So why the measuring stick is marked so differently for Jews to want to date a fellow Jew or to marry one? I don't put up a Christmas tree in my own home, why would I want to marry someone who would bring this into my dwelling place with all the celebration that goes along with it. Saturday morning is reserved for religious activities, why marry someone who will be out mowing the lawn on Saturday morning and snickering I should be cleaning the house instead of religious activities, because his mom always cleaned house on Saturday mornings and that's the way it should be done. Who wants to marry someone you are NOT compatible with.

Jessica: Although it could be seen as such, it's not racist or segregating of Jews to not let people inside their circle without conversion, just as Jennifer's reply above, most other Religions do as well, though not as tightly as Judaism. Judaism is not about proselyting, Catholicism is (and so many others as well). But most do not allow interfaith marriages (Catholic Church does, but it needs a lot of approval and paperwork and still you need to raise your kids as Catholic) which of course, means that, logically, Religions look after their own survival and heritage, it's within their best interests, wouldn't you do the same, being in their position? Is this being selfish or segregating? Or just looking after your best interests? Like it or not, they have the right and grounds to ask for this.

The truth is that some of these people who have written the above comments have adopted the non-Jewish attitude toward us-we have no right to exist. All other religions are allowed to protect themselves but a Jew? What are you talking about? You have to be tolerant even if it means self destruction. All other peoples can decide who they want to marry based on any reason they want. But a Jew? What do you mean, you want to stay in your natural habitat and stick with the religion of your ancesters,( a four thousand year old religion, by the way)? How dare you Jew even think of such a thing? You bigot-you racist! I wonder what some of the above writers think about the right of the State of Israel to exst.. If we want to protect our citizens does that also turn you off and make you embarrased to be a Jew? Are we allowed to fight back and protect our borders or is that only for Americans and other nations? Yes, Mr. Wolfgang, you are right. You just forgot one point-what's permitted for others to do without even giving it a second thought is one thing- but we Jews ? Absolutely not.

I respect wanting to carry on tradition/culture, and that a relationship with someone of the same faith can strengthen the ability to do so, but think of the double standard. Two brief comments: Encouraging a Christian to date within their religion would be branded as nothing less than fundamentalism - in fact, this is what keeps many of the evangelical indoctrinating churches alive in the US. Double standard. And, really, the notion of you 'bothering' Hitler in hell is absurd. The reference is so far out of the realm of Jessica's comment, who was merely pointing out other aspects of the Jewish faith that may go against what you are saying. As soon as you reference Hitler you leave the realm of logic and apportioned argument and just BEG for people to get emotionally involved. You say it so as to shut off the argument - but all you do is point out the flaw in your reasoning. That is, you have no true retaliation to what Jessica has said.

To Anonymous, I decided to reply to your critique not because i am offended, but so that others can read and learn, hopefully. I was not the person who brought up Hitler. Jessica did, when she denounced my "discrimination" in the name of all the discrimination that had been perpetrated against the Jews throughout our history. She was referring, of course, to Hitler, among others, but did not have the courage to say so out loud. I do, however, and I am only to happy to call a spade a spade. Since she brought up the villains via her reference to past discrimination being the reason we should therefore consider intermarriage (as the gist and conclusion of her argument), I therefore wished to quote the master of all villains to show why we SHOULD absolutely be discriminating, in the positive dictionary definition of the word, and not the politically correct, post-modern self-flagellating version of the word. As I showed, if the one thing that irked Hitler above all else was the determined self-preservation of the Jews, then that is the one thing that I most certainly will promote, protect, and practice. And if you have a problem with literary license, then so be it. But I think you got my message, whether you liked it or not, and I'm glad to see you are searching out and getting involved in Jewish debate. By the way, there is no such thing as "no true retaliation". There are only deaf ears, and disagreements. Just because you don't concur, does not mean that it does not exist. That said, I am glad that you respect tradition and culture, and that you agree that the relationship can strengthen that. That was the gist of my story. Far better for all of us to focus on the do's, rather than the dont's. Thanks for caring enough to comment!

Jennifer, your assumption that when I was bringing up discrimination I was bringing up Hitler is incorrect. I think you should be well aware that me critiquing your post was nothing shy of courage and if I felt Hitler had any place in my argument, I would have brought him up. He did not come up because he had no relevance in what I was saying. I was calling a spade a spade by acknowledging the discriminatory nature of your argument, instead you decided to change suit. Additionally, I find it ironic that you would bring up Hitler in an argument when you are trying to encourage intra-marriage. From my understanding, a large part of one’s argument against inter-marriage rests on the fact that you want to perpetuate the Jewish gene pool and not have it tainted with outside religions. More specifically in the context of your article, you state that these outside influences compromise a Jewish identity. Bringing up Hitler when trying to put forth a homogeneous "race" argument sets off many red flags. As I said in my post above, I would have much preferred if you addressed my particular concerns instead of "pulling the Hitler card", and thank you, Anonymous for recognizing the flaw in Jennifer's rebuttal. Jennifer, I am very sorry if any of this seems like a personal attack on you. It is not. I am unhappy with the message as it can lead to very dangerous personal and global consequences, and I have only tried to call attention to that. I am glad that you have found a life that is happy and fulfilling to you, but I just hope people do not automatically accept these words as the "correct" path to follow, and realize there are many other interpretations of what a Jew should, and could do. A Jew's identity is in no way weakened just because he or she chooses to date outside of the religion.

One of my main concerns with Jennifer’s article was the discriminatory nature of how she said she stopped friendships because her friends made the choice of dating outside of their religion as well as how her parents had a two-tiered system in how they would treat Jews/non-Jews. If actions, whether carried out by Christians, Muslims, Jews or else are acting in a discriminatory nature, I think attention should be called to this behaviour. Notice in your examples about other faith’s intermarriage rules the idea of conversion is involved. The concept of accommodating difference is being entertained. Jennifer was resistant to this idea. You are correct that we should marry someone we are compatible with. I am simply stating that religion should not preclude us from discovering compatibilities. Life is full of difficult choices, and sure different religions can complicate things, however these complications do not require any loss of personal religious identity. If you do not want a Christmas tree in your house, that is fine, but I know many Christians who do not have Christmas trees in their homes, or many Christians who would be willing to give up a Chirstmas tree in their home for the sake of love. I just believe that if someone is a great person, you are compatible with them, and if they support you, you should not cut them out of your life purely because of religion.

Jeniffer i think you are intentionally making a counter argument which is completely invalid based on what jessica has said. In my opinion no one here has claimed that marrying in is wrong or even discriminatory. Rather, it is a choice, a preference to some and not to others based on legitimate desires to raise a family with one set of values. I think its the forcefulness of your article that is wrong. You chose to marry in, and for all the joy that has brought to you and your family, i congratulate you genuinely. However, for you to sit down at your computer and spend your time, energy and passion on trying to convince others of the rightfulness of jews marrying jews is the problem.more importantly, you emphasizing the wrongfulness of the alternative is just scary. Also from my personal experience, being born a jew and marrying a jew seems to be the only thing many rely on for their jewish identity. the same people who do not keep shabbat, kosher or any other important religious customs think it is okay to dictate what makes a good jew. i dont understand this and i never have. i grew up in a religious jewish community, and honestly all i ever felt was judgment from my peers, my leaders and my community based on how i chose to lead my jewish life. let each jew decide for themselves how they want to develop their identity, it is nobody elses place or right to tell them to do so. not directly like in your article and not indirectly by treating them like they are criminal for choosing to intermarry. all im saying is that jessica raises a valid point. for you to quote hitler is nothing less than disturbing and i hope you will actually take the time to understand the criticisms you are receiving instead of shutting them down imeediately, clearly not taking into consideration in the slightest the validity of her argument.

Anonymous (who spoke about Catholics and Muslims requiring a spouse to convert, March 29, 3.32pm), what you said is true a lot of the time. However, I think the difference is that converting to Catholicism is converting to a religion, and it is relatively easy. Converting to become a Jew is converting to a religion AND to become part of a nation, and it is not easy at all. I think that is one of the issues with people not converting to Judaism - it takes a long time and is very hard and is not just about what you believe but what you DO, every minute of every day. If you convert and truly accept all the commandments (that are relevant to you as a man or woman or resident of Israel, etc.), then that affects every minute of every day. That is a hard thing to do! I think people get frustrated about that . I know I do, but I completely understand why conversion is like that. It's not just about the conversion, it's about living the rest of your life as an observant Jew, otherwise the conversion is not really valid. That's hard! And it is frustrating because to convert you have to go through so much and do so much to become and be Jewish, but someone born to a Jewish mother can live however they please and still be accepted and considered Jewish. This is a frustrating fact, and I think that is why intermarriage is such a big issue. If conversion was easy, lots of non-Jewish partners in a relationship would convert and be Jewish and then there would be no 'intermarriage' for that couple. But because it is hard it does not happen that often, and it is much easier for a Jew to marry someone who is already Jewish. (continued in next post)

It’s like an article I read once (possibly on aish?) which said that converting to Judaism is like becoming a citizen of a country. If someone who wants to become a citizen of a country commits a crime or does not promise that they will never commit a crime, you wouldn’t allow them to become a citizen. But if someone who is already a citizen of that country commits a crime (even murder), they are still considered a citizen of that country. It’s the same with someone who wants to convert to Judaism and someone who is already Jewish.

I'm sorry, but you are 100% incorrect. I was Catholic before converting, and NEVER have I EVER been told I should marry another Catholic. Sure it's nice to, but Catholics intermarry all the time, and it is not frowned upon. Nor have I ever heard of a Catholic ever signing anything saying they'll raise their children Catholic. Why, just recently, one of my cousins, a Presbyterian by faith, married a lovely girl in a Catholic church and they had an intermarriage ceremony with the priest and reverend. Actually, Catholics recognize all other denominations as being Christian and can receive communion at any church. The other way around doesn't do that, but ok. Point is, I've never heard of this, and again, I was raised as a Catholic growing up.

Jessica, I am in a position to answer you, as I am Jewish, married 25 years to a wonderful non-Jewish man, and I do not recommend intermarriage. I am committed to raising tolerant children who have friends from all different backgrounds. But marriage is different. It is the joining of two lives and two souls. As my children's parent, I have made it clear that marriage is much more than friendship, and it can be difficult at times. Fortunately my religion was more important to me than my husband's religion of origin was to him. He agreed that we would have a Jewish home and Jewish children. If both of us were Jewish, that would have been a win-win situation that brought us both joy, but for my husband it was not easy. He had to get accustomed to something that was meaningful to me, but not to him. It was a concession that was not easy for him or easy on me. So, it is not about intolerance or discrimination. I tell my kids it "is about two equally wonderful people making each other unhappy if they are not well matched". Did I know better? no. I was not raised observant and my parents did not seem to mind who I dated. My relatives even set me up on dates with non-Jewish guys. It was only when I matured and evaluated the role Judaism had in my life that I set out to make it part of my life, and I am grateful that my husband conceded, and although we are one of the lucky couples that worked it out, there was pain involved along the way.Pain on my part for imposing this on him. Pain on his part for giving up customs and holidays that were familiar and comforting to him. I do not wish this on anyone- no matter what religion they are. Other couples have not been as fortunate as religion has divided them over the years. Marriage is your heart, soul, and life. Expect the best for yourself, and for non-Jews as well. This is tolerance- wishing each valuable soul the best in their marriages with the best spouse for each of them.

Rabbi Noach Weinberg of blessed memory said the most dangerous disease is ignorance.Intermarriage is prohibited by the Torah, but if one does not know the Torah it's a problem.Please go and learn. There are many teachers so find one that speaks to your soul. Aish will make an effort to help. There are many other outreach orginizations as well. An educated Jew steeped in Torah learning may choose to cease observing or to marry out and assimilate. One has the option to learn and then make an informed decision. The tragedy is that in the vast majority of cases people intermarry and assimilate without knowing what Torah Judaism is all about. The belief that Jews have a unique role in the world does not negate the purposes of all other children from the same loving Creator. The sages teach that the righteous of all mankind have a share in the world to come. While not necessary one can join the Jewish people should he/she wish to take on additional commandments so nothing racist that I'm aware of re Torah Judaism.

If you want to really find out what Judaism is about, I would suggest that you read "World Perfect" chapt. 1-12, on Aish.com. I would also suggest that you try a year-or even a few months or weeks , in Israel in a school like Iyat or Neve Yerushalayim. Also in the States you have programs and schools, if Israel is not possible.

Jewish, christian, hindi, etc... what does it matter if there is honest, profound love between two persons? God, trough our destine, puts us together with persons who are different, to learn from each other, to respect the faith of the other, to grow together despite the difference and to finally see that most of the religions lead to the only important thing in life: Love. Love your next as you love yourself, even if he is your enemy. Only this brings spiritual evolution.

Excellent article. Thank You!

An interesting article, but I think it is a microcosim of the survival of Jews in America. To me, observing the Torah is the beadrock of Jewish continuity and tradition. If a person "traditionally" eats non-kosher food, and "traditionally" consciously violates the Sabbath, what traditions are they observing?

As a convert, I would like to point out that converts are Jews, so if the author's hunk had converted, she would NOT have been marrying outside of the faith. If you're Jewish and really in love with a Gentile, you don't lose anything by asking them if they would like to convert. Their answer may surprise you (not to mention, if they do convert, you have brought another Jewish soul into the world--all without having to give birth!).

Mychal, I must say that I have the utmost respect for converts. Out of all the frum people I know--FFB, BT, and gers, I have to honestly say that converts are incredibly special people who are THE most committed and knowledgeable Jews. The frum world can learn a lot from gerim about strength of character, devotion to religion, and riding against the tide, as it takes an incredibly special person to grow up is a gentile world and then choose Judaism for themselves. Since the conversion process is so arduous, it is inherently obvious that gerim must be 100% committed to a Jewish life. What I don't understand is...with so few Jews in the world, why are we making it so darn hard for people to convert to Judaism? I understand that we need devoted members, but at the same time, I don't think we need to make our religion some exclusive country club, either! Hatlacha Mychal, and welcome to the tribe!

Exactly Mychal! I agree 100%! I too am a convert!

I think this article is very moving and I can totally relate. At the same time I myself am still single trying to find the right jewish partner and I see so many older singles that may or may never get married. I often wonder if waiting forever is not its own form of genocide? Life can be very confusing and with so many options and so many people who are demanding perfection which they see on media I just really feel like we don't get to live out the values we are sacrificing our lives for. What is the point of being perpetually single to save the jewish people when your own life is passing by?

Good point. It’s very easy for some of us Jews married to other Jews to judge how you should live your life and what kind of partner you should wait for. But is it better for one to be lonely and Jewish or happy and with someone who may or may not be Jewish? For those who will say this person should be alone and unhappy, go find him or her a spouse.

Remaining single and childless for the sake of Jewish continuity is, of course, a paradox. I think the essential thing is to date and marry someone with whom you are compatible, Jewish or non-Jewish. If Judaism is very important to you, a compatible non-Jewish spouse will likely be willing to convert or to help raise your children Jewish. In my case, marrying a Jewish man was what was right for me, but that doesn't mean that it's necessary for everyone.

I am married to a non-Jew. Why? Because no one gave me a reason not to, other than "just because"...just as Italians marry italians or Greeks marry Greeks. That answer seemed for more old school and even closed minded to me. When i first started dating non Jewish boys, I didn't see the big deal. My parents barely kept kosher, we didn't keep Shabbat. So what difference did it make? No one told me what it said in the Torah. My parents disowning me as Teviah did in Fiddler on the Roof, didn't help convince me either. In fact, that made it worse. They weren't talking to me, considered me an outcast, their one and only daughter. In time, I married a non Jewish man. I wonderful person. And in time, i discovered Jewish spirituality. I eat Kosher, and even keep Shabbat. My husband supports and participates with me. He wants to raise our child Jewish, because he sees how important it is. How will do this, I admit, we're going to have to figure some of it out. He isn't ready to convert, but he is willing to participate in what he needs to so that the child lives in a Jewish home. My point is, these stories are great for parents with school aged or dating children, when they can possibly make an exception. But there are those of us who have slipped through the cracks. I used to feel like some kind of failure when i read these articles, but i no longer do. I don't feel like a write off. Perhaps i had made a wrong spiritual choice in the past, but it isn't up to any human to judge me, only G-d. And i am happy to be part of an orthodox community who is accepting of us and wants to do all they can to support our journey.

I think you have already made that choice. It would be easier if both people are jewish. My husband is atheist though, it does not really matter. We might agree on Israel issues with him though. I am sure your kid is beautiful, mix of blood is good. I hope times would change when you race and ethnicity would not matter. I appreciate finding a jewish guy, though I had a chance to marry not a jew and if someone nice come up we'd work it out.

You didn’t make a wrong choice. You made a good choice because it led you down this path. You chose a true partner and now you two are traveling this road together. You don’t need to have all the answers now. You are lucky to feel accepted in your community. I hope others will remember comments like yours and so many other on this forum when they judge the non-Jewish boyfriend or girlfriend.

Though I am not Jewish, I too dated outside of my religion knowing full-well I would never marry a non-Christian. I realized that I was leading these young men on and chose to stop dating for a period of time to get my priorities straight. Of course, this is when God brought my husband into my life. What a blessing to date someone who had my values and goals! Thank you for sharing such an important, personal topic.

Jewish People have the right to do as they please. I dated two Jewish Girls in my life semi seriously, and I know if another ever comes around that will be the last straw, but quite honestly, I want someone now, for the time being, that I don't need to fear breaking up with BECAUSE they are jewish. I dated this Jewish chick recently, and the only reason we were dating was because we were both Jewish, and hadn't met before. She was annoying, and aggravating more than any girl I've ever known, and when I did hang with her, she embarrassed me as a person. Her whole schtick was about dating only Jews, but I just don't connect with Jewish girls very well or very long term unless its strictly friendship, even then, I lack in that department. So we broke up, and now she met an older more successful taller jewish guy, and I met a girl on plenty of fish who I believe is what I need in my life right now. she'll get married, I won't in this case. See the difference? I'm going to share a part of my life with someone, and that someone may interchange throughout life. If a Jew comes along, so be it, but I'm not going to shield my life because of it. I am a Jew no matter what I practice or where or among whom... I'm a pro-world Jew, and if my kids are only half or non jews, I will still raise them very well because I will have a loving mother. Thats the key folks...Shabbos, Yom Kippur, Pesach, are all days I can still celebrate if i chose to, but normally I don't anyways, so I guess i'm a lost outcasted Jew. So be it. I'm perfectly fine being a statistic, for whatever that may mean.

There are alot of tarnished Jews but Israel represents a symbol: A people who faced so many challenges but still bore their Jewishness over so many hurtles

I am so glad about the happy ending. I am not a Jew myself, but am so glad when the Jewish people keep the Torah, the whole Torah. Love you guys!

I totally relate to you. I too found myself in a similar situation with a wonderful non-Jewish guy in college. I decided to go on a program to Israel trying to severe the relationship in a nice way. I didn't want to hurt him. I loved him but I knew deep down to marry him would hurt my family although I know they would have accepted him because they loved me. But then,ee wanted to come with me!! HIS parents then interferred with his idea. We wrote for months and then eventually tappered off as we went on separate paths. I did eventually marry Jewish, and am now divorced. I sometimes think about what if. Would he have converted? But when I look into my son's eyes, and he tells me he will only marry Jewish, although heartbreaking at the time, I know it was the right decision.

I appreciate the article very much. I married at 20, in an arranged marriage, to a Jewish man and, unfortunately, it did not work out for reasons I ultimately could not fix. However, I have two beautiful young adult children whom I raised in a progressive Jewish household. When I got divorced, I found that I was not necessarily attracted to many of the Jewish men I met and I decided to date and see what happens. I found that, for me, it was very important to find someone nice, warm, loving, interesting, and interested in the things I like. And, I found that the people I was meeting who met these criteria were not necessarily Jewish. Also, I found that the guys I was dating who were Jewish by birth did not necessarily have much knowledge about or practical observance of Jewish rituals (at least far less than my practice). Ultimately, I met my husband, a wonderful man who had the qualities and temperament I was looking for, who was raised in a non-religious family but who was not Jewish by birth. Interestingly, after a month of dating, he was interested in understanding me even more and started reading books about Judaism and asking my father/brothers questions. What I came to believe was that, for me, since I had already raised my children with an ongoing Jewish identity and observed the rituals because I want to, it was not so important if my husband was or wanted to become Jewish. It was more important that he respect my family and practices and to the extent he was comfortable participate in them. (Yes, the first passover without bread in the house was hard for him, and he was not used to sitting in synagogue all day with me during Yom Kippur. But he held my hand and did it anyway.)

I see no reason why the conversion about his converting was not followed up on first unless you did and he did not want to. Also, did you ever marry? If not, then you blew it anyway and you should have married him. You could have at least brought the kids up to be Jews. Lot of intermarriage families do this.

Most do not convert. Most intermarriaged couples do not bring up their children Jewish. Especially if it the man who is Jewish and the woman is not Jewish. There are always exceptions, but the norm is not.

Most don't convert because the Jewish spouse doesn't care. She does. Since the mother would be Jewish, the chances of the children being Jewish are much greater. The biggest problem with intermarriage is that there is no attempt by the Jewish partner to stay Jewish. She leaves critical questions unanswered.

That isn't true Rita. HALF of intermarried couples raise their children to be Jewish.

Surveys show it to be around 1/3 and of that number, studies have shown that about 70% of *those* children will intermarry. It's a losing proposition.

please keep in mind that conversion that is insincere and just for marriage is highly unlikely to lead to true commitment and caring for the jewish heritage. it is also not condoned by mainstream orthodox jews. the purity of judaism is only maintained by converts who convert because they believe in g-d and want to be a part of the chosen nation.

I originally became observant and married an Orthodox man simply because it was critical to me that my future children be Jewish and carry on the chain to future generations. "Stacking the deck" requires conveyance of both cultural and SPIRITUAL identity as Jews. The author, fortunately, realized early enough that the more practice is shared in the home the better are the chances of success. I would add that the more learning, prayer and charitable behavior in a Jewish framework the children are steeped in (along with healthy doses of love and support to build self-esteem), the higher the chances of success rise. Unfortunately, there is not even a guaranteed positive outcome for Orthodox Jewish parents with Traditional and Orthodox backgrounds who send their children to Jewish day schools. A reasonable chance of success clearly demands committments on a variety of levels that are well beyond what can reasonably be expected of a non-Jewish parent. Therefore, intermarriage is clearly out of the question for any Jew who wants his or her descendants to be Jewish. Even those Jews who do not currently have such desires should not intermarry because, my empirical experience reveals, they are likely to perceive their religion as more important in their and/or their childrens' lives as the years roll by, and will find it more difficult if not impossible to implement any such realizations when the time comes, even with the most supportive non-Jew as a partner.

I was once a non-Jew who dated a Jew. My then Jewish boy-friend, Jack, faced the same struggles as Jennifer did. It made our dating very difficult. We both developed physical ailments from the emotional stress. I wish Aish will link Jack's article here as it is very relevant: http://www.aish.com/jw/s/Chicken_Soup_with_Chopsticks.html. We have now been married for 12 years and are happily frum. Jews who truly understand what being Jewish means would naturally choose to date and marry in. Torah, not just lox-and-bagel Jewish education, is key. Otherwise, there is no good reason not to.

When we continue to do the right thing only good things will come of them. Never forget the highest definition of the word good, of Godly origin. Our actions will always betray our motives. If they are good - - - you get the idea.

I am very impressed by your recognition of how important really being Jewish means and even what you had to give up. However, you are an exception as you know of people that do not grow up religious. I am not undermining the importance of "rituals" like lighting shabbos candles etc. but I think the only real way to fight intermarriage is for people to see what being a Jew is completely. To live a completely religious life. Of course keeping rituals is a great way to start and should be very much encouraged but not as a means in and of itself and enough. People can see hypocrisy even in that if the entire Torah is not kept. I believe that being a Jew is not just about keeping the Jewish blood in the family, but to really live as a Jew. Like you said we have to be first and foremost a Jew and the only really way for that to be is to be fully accepting of the Torah and what Hashem wants from us. The best Kiruv organizations are the ones that present Judaism as it is. The Torah in its wholeness - not Hebrew schools which at the very very minimum will succeed in maybe getting a bunch of people not to intermarry or to light the spark for them to find out more about Judaism. Once again, a huge yasher koach on everything and we should continue to grow with all of Am Yisrael in the ways of Hashem.

Read this article and thought what family member put you up to writing this on aish. Yes, was close to home. Went into the article "Why not intermarry" alot of thought provoking things to think about. When your soul connects to another and you think they are a non Jew, I say we have some common ancestry we do not know about. When two people come from the middle east and your soul connects with them, good chance "Jewish" is in the background of both, somewhere down the line. When not in a traditional Jewish home upbringing, guidepost is not outwardly observances, how can one judge by what one does not do themselves. When God is a personal factor, when two are gathered is yourself and Torah, God's presences abides, spirituality becomes experiences shared with God in solitude, not open in community or as a family unit. When the soul connects to another, you know that soul also has received the Torah and what binds two souls together is the presences of God within. Two souls of this nature is not intermarrying. The souls are intertwine both with receiving Torah and God in the mist. Communal life in house of worship, if experienced openly with others, differs; if two people, one receives and one does not, is intermarriage. If one worship idols and the other worships the Living God, that's intermarriage. Both receives, one goes the other stays home, is not intermarriage. Differentiation between membership to an organization, one a member and one is not type of intermarriage, compared too; two souls that connect with God in the mist for both receive from him. The covenant has long been established, it's a shared covenant, with or without membership. Traditional or non traditional. When you connect with another, the bond is the covenant, written in stone, covenant shared is covenant people, predestined to find their way to each other.

As per comments for certain many people have happy fulfilling lives in interfaith marriages and many raise well adjusted kids. Several in my own extended family as in most Jewish families outside of Israel are examples. The reason for Jews not to intermarry is that the Torah forbids it. In fact from a Torah perspective as I undertand it an intermarriage is not recognized as a marriage at all.I think it's viewed similarly to living together. Kiddushim[holiness is lacking]No objective person can dispute that there can be much love and satisfaction in the relationship anymore then one can dispute that a shrimp cocktail or a cheeseburger tastes good,but on a level we don't understand certain foods are spiritualy harmful to Jews. Being a part of a holy people demands following commandments and that entails making God's will our will. If one is reading on Aish hopefully both Jew and Gentile can learn what that entails and make educated decisions as to how one wants to live their life

I grew up in a Jewish home where the theory was "I am Jewish you are Jewish. So do not worry about it." I went to a university with a small Jewish population. I fell in love, and got married. My husband is not Jewish. I never went to Hebrew school or Sunday school. I WANT BETTER FOR MY KIDS. My children are Jewish and been a Bnei Mitzvah. They speak Hebrew and been to Reformed Camp. I want them to marry Jews. I want them to have a Jewish home. I want them to share their Jewishness with their spouse. I want them to have a spouse that shares Kol Nidre down to their bones. Recline on Passover, and pass their heritage to their children. Share the joys and the sorrows and then EAT on every Jewish Holiday. Not because they are following a lead, but because they will be walking side by side.

Such as sad story. Love shoud be encouraged. Very closeminded article.

I only dated Jews and married one as well. After a mentally abusive marriage I divorced him and again only dated Jews. After several horrible experiences (there are no good ones left (at least not for me)...they're already married) I met a very nice non affiliated Goy. When I mentioned to him that he wasn't Jewish, his response was, "well, look at how the Jews have treated you." Epiphany! I've had my kids. They are Jewish. I pray that they have Jewish children as well. I have a strong Jewish identity and believe that I am being a light unto the nations. But, given the choice of remaining single for the rest of my life or sharing my life with a loving, caring man who is fine with my beliefs (he doesn't believe in anything)...I'll take the latter. I too wonder if the author was able to marry Jewish and if her kids are being raised in a real "traditional home--kashrut, shabbos" or are just being raised as cultural Jews.

To all the readers who wonder about the outcome: Thank G-d, I did marry, a Jewish man. We are now Torah observant, although we weren't when we first married. That is another story! We also have children, who are all being Torah educated. We hope we are raising them to be loving Jews with meaning in their lives that they, too, will want to pass on to their children...

I'm glad to hear it, Jennifer, and glad to hear your story. I'm Christian, but I thought it was okay to marry a non-believer, and that God would just fix it for me, and it was nothing but heartache. I have many wonderful friends who don't believe the same as me, but not being able to share with my own husband the deepest part of my soul and have the same goals for our lives beyond the mundane was very painful for me. I think that command not to marry an unbeliever isn't for the purpose of restricting us, but to enable us to find the deeper, stronger relationship that includes the spiritual rather than settling for just the physical and emotional side. When you love God and your husband doesn't, you always have to keep the two separate which stinks. As painful as it can be sometimes to keep to that command, it's far more painful to live a life spiritually alone in a relationship or wind up divorced. And your children are even more torn. Trust me. :o( You did the right thing.

Even if you had married this non-Jewish fella, your kids would have still been Jewish. My fiancé is Jewish and I am not, and his family is not happy about it at all. I understand why they feel the way they do, but it is still upsetting. I met my fiancé 3.5 years ago, and I had been interested in/studying Judaism for about 9 years before that. I have considered converting several times, but I realise how big a commitment it is and I don’t feel I am ready yet. When my fiancé and his mother met with her local rabbi to discuss the situation, the rabbi said that if I converted halachically, that he would allow his children to marry mine because he would consider them and me to be Jewish. His mother’s reaction to the suggestion that I convert? – “It just wouldn’t be the same”, she said. And this from a family who are not observant! They celebrate (some of) the holidays and have a mezuzah by the front door, but that is as far as it goes. I can live exactly the same way as they do and observe as much as they do, but my children won’t be Jewish because I am not. And my fiancé is becoming turned off from Judaism because of how his family is treating him. Anyway, on another note, I think it is very hard for the Jewish people to be a light unto the nations if so many communities are so insular and do not mingle with non-Jews. But if there is too much mingling with non-Jews, there is the risk of assimilation. Very difficult situation.

Sarah, I'm sorry your prospective in-laws have the outlook they do. My wife grew up as a devout Christian, we married, and she is now an Orthodox Jew. I can say from my experience that the vast majority of people in the Orthodox community will react the same way that Rabbi did - i.e. if you had an Orthodox conversion, they would think of you as Jewish - period. I've noticed that it tends to be people who are not themselves observant who think that "it's just not the same." That's because observant Jews are not basing their connection to Judaism merely on ethnic identity, so they understand and respect someone who has chosen to do the mitzvot just as they have. But the person who largely holds on to Judaism through ethnic idenity is the one who can't identify with the convert, and in fact, deep down is probably threatened by the convert because the convert is implicitly challenging their own assumptions about their Jewish identity. You say you have been interested in Judaism for several years, but it's just too big of a commitment right now. If I may suggest, take it a step at a time. Start attending a Torah class. There are some Orthodox Rabbis who take literally (way too much so in my opinion) the injunction to turn away the prospective convert at first. But there are others (and often at places like Aish and Chabad) who will welcome you if you want to attend a class, etc. So if one door is closed, don't be discouraged, there are other doors. There is also a lot of online learning, written, audio and in real time. I wish you much success. And if you've considered converting several times, I would say take a few steps at a time and see what happens.

Your own father said that he didn't even understand what it meant to be an Or L'Goyim (light to the nations). So we claim how important our Jewish heritage is yet haven't one iota of understanding on what it means. We are to be a light to others about who God is and how He has revealed Himself in the Scriptures. Judaism for the sake of tradition is meaningless, vapid and full of self-importance. Yet, the Lord says in Deut 7:7 that He chose us because we were the least of all nations. Not so important anymore are we? No, we are chosen to bring people to the knowledge of the Creator. Any other reason collapses in on itself in futility.

You mentioned that you spoke about converting. Why didn't you bring him to your Rabbi to convert? My father-in-law fell in love with a Protestant woman in college, and she converted through an Orthodox conversion. She studied Judaism and realized it made perfect sense to her. Had you taken your hearthrob to meet an Orthodox Rabbi, it's possible that he would have converted, too.

Thank you for a thought provoking well-written article. I have struggled on and off with this all my life but always knew I would marry Jewish. Now there is another dilemma...widowed. what now. keep the same ideology for which I can be there for my 20 yr old son who is shomer shabbos now that he has been to Israel twice...my oldest married Jewish but my daughter is living with a non-Jew....dating and living together now 6 years. They worked together. I think it started as a convenience. What to do......

Dear Barbara, All your life you have been a wonderful example for your children. Despite your struggle, you stood by your convictions. Now you are at the stage where you want to pass the baton to your children. However, they still need you, and their sterling role model. Your Jewish values are lifelong, and in order to pass this on to your children, which you so clearly desire, you still need maintain and therefore live by those values. This is particularly true for your son, who is taking momentous steps in his Jewish observance, but perhaps even more acutely for your daughter, who will be absorbing your resilience and faith regarding your own life circumstances. I truly Bless you that G-d help you, and all your children, find your Jewish basherts.

With the children grown and your husband gone, maybe try attending some Jewish adult classes, Shabbat programs and/or Jewish volunteer organizations. If you can afford it, maybe join a mission to Israel. You'll strengthen your convictions for your own sake as well as being an example for your children. You're probably on Aish.com trying to do that already; but I recommend you also go in person, to expand your social circle to include people who are going through the same processes or are interested in supporting those who are.

We have seen the effects of our daughter , who married, and divorced, a half Jew, raised Catholic because of WW2. It has affected her two little boys, and her x husbands refusal to take them to Sunday school at our synagogue. That is only one of the problems. We should have forced non-Jewish dating. Who knows, but there is a lot of pain.

What can I say? I grew up in a traditional home and became more observant. You get tired of girls caring more about the size of your wallet over anything else. I started mingling with my non-Jewish friends more and started admiring the honest more natural relaxed shiksa. Sadly, I am torn. Do I want to continue down the road of one Jap after another leaving me in a depressed, miserable state or do I trade it all in for a relaxed, down to earth, real Irish girl that actually cares about my feelings (and not just her status, like most of the Jewesses)

Scott. You are observant. You are trying to get closer to G-d. Ask yourself one, simple question. What would G-d want you to do? Be honest. Talk to a Rabbi, find a mentor, move away –do anything but let money-grubbing JAPS get you down. If you ask me, they are merely traps to test our wonderful Jewish boys, and keep them away from their basherts and the Jewish people. Just be you. Play down your finances, if you have them. Ferret out the good from the bad. There are plenty of Jewish women out there for whom their spiritual heritage is more important than their inheritance. Most of all, PRAY. You know that G-d wants you to have Jewish children. Please, don't be discouraged.

I know Jewish women (going out with women who are fine being called Jewish "girls" may be part of the problem) who completely fit the JAP stereotype. And then again, I know Jewish women who are some of the most kind, caring, genuine, thoughtful people I've ever met anywhere. I've met non-Jewish women who also are incredibly honest, sincere, etc. And then I've met non-Jewish women who are completely insincere and in fact fit the JAP stereotype. It's a false choice to say you are choosing between JAPs and nice non-Jewish women. You can find both kinds on either side of the fence. So if you can meet a nice Jewish woman or a nice non-Jewish woman, why not find a nice Jewish woman? And if you aren't finding those types, may I suggest you look for other social circles where they definitely do exist.

Go to a Rabbi. Tell him and his wife what you've experienced and want. They would know many good couples, that raised good children (now with lovely in every way, young ladies) with good values. (Note, you too, must be a person with good values yourself, for things to work out well.) Oops, back to the point. They've personally seen and experienced many children's growing up life first hand. They'd have a pretty good idea of their natural character and personality. They could be pretty good match makers of sorts, or know some good advice for you. Trust me, it's harder for a good female, with the biological clock running, to keep wanting to bother trying to weed through all the men that have not so hot values too. (I met many a men that tried to impress me with their salary or what ever. It made an impression alright, that they don't think much of me or themselves. That they lack, or think I lacked the personal qualities that do matter. We definitely didn't share the same idea of what matters most in a person or life.) Consider my above advice to you seriously. It could have saved me, and I hope you, much time and heart ache. Although I did eventually marry the right one for me, it was after a lot of disappointing to painful experiences with others. Hind site, I may not have been looking in the best places, or maybe it was on purpose (via G..) to help me be more appreciative of the right one when we did meet. Hang in there, when it's meant to be, it will happen. I too, eventually considered that looking for someone of the same religion might not matter so much, as some non Jewish men had began looking better to me. But trust me in marriage, especially once you have children, it matters! I'm very grateful that my husband and I are both Jewish. It doesn't insure smooth sailing in marriage, but not doing so can cause a lifetime of stress with one's partner and families. Don't give up on your lovely future bride that's out there waiting for you.

Dear Jennifer, You said that you grew up in a traditional Jewish home, yet your family did not observe Shabbat or keep kosher. So that doesn’t make it “traditional”. That said, people who grow up in ultra observant Jewish homes still sometimes marry a non-Jew. My question is, since the subject of his converting had come up on the first date, did you ever pursue that as you were getting more involved with each other or was it just an insincere ploy on his part to get you interested in him? Also, you didn’t say whether or not you ever found a Jewish spouse or, if not, if you’re happy being single. I have a relative who married a non-Jewish man after much consideration of the problems entailed. They have been happily married for many years and are raising their children Jewish. Her husband is very supportive of their Jewish education and is very pro-Israel. They belong to a Conservative synagogue. (He didn’t convert, probably because he doesn’t want to hurt his family of origin.) We need to reach out to the non-Jewish spouses in interfaith marriages and help them to see the beauty in our religion. Whether or not they convert, they can still show that they respect and value the Jewish heritage of their mates and can encourage that in their children. If we don’t reach out, then we will lose many families. We already have. The synagogue to which I belong has begun a Keruv program to bring more interfaith families into the fold. This is a good start! Best of luck to you.

Dear reader, I am now married to a Jewish spouse. Regarding your comment, yes, I ate Macdonalds: however I didn't mention that I came from a kosher home, believe it or not: traditional back then meant kosher in the house, but not necessarily outside. Now I am also kosher in my own home, and outside of it, too. As for the conversion, I will never know what his intentions were, but I believed him to be sincere in his feelings for me, and therefore willing to go the extra mile, and this was re-iterated during the "short, tense phone call" as a reason to stick around and continue the relationship. However, I thought it was of paramount importance that my husband's jewishness to be important to HIM, not only to me. I agree that if intermarriage has already taken place, then yes, we need to be promoting caring for the Jewish People in those children, too , especially if they are Halachically Jewish. Who knows what their future holds? We cannot allow a single Jewish soul to slip away.... no matter what the mix. Having said that, my story is particularly focusing on "before the fact": that is, consciously accessing and assessing the deep-seated and sometimes deeply buried feelings we have for our own religion and heritage before we decide to place them in the same boat with another. Many Blessings for your kiruv efforts!

Well said! x

Excellent article and one to which I can relate. Being Jewish is not a matter of belonging to a religion to which one may convert to satisfy one's boyfriend or girlfiend or his/her family. I am one who has wanted to convert to Judaism but have found, the more I study, that Judiasm is a heritage into which one is born, not a heritage to which one converts. It is a beautiful way of life with which one is blessed by Hashem. It is so sad that intermarriage is a union that brings so much pain to so many, but it is spoken against in Torah and one's first responsibility in life is to obey Hashem and His instruction through Torah. I know of nothing in torah, however, that says we can't be friends and be supportive or one another. How I would love to convert to Judiasm and be a part of my step-grandmother's faith, but I was born on the wrong side of the fence and will always be the one on the outside looking in. May everyone have Hashems most precious blessings and His most perfect peace.

At an early age (by today's standards), I was married to a Jewish guy. We married in a civil ceremony. Although we were truly in love, we dated for four and a half years before marrying and were childless for the first eight years of our marriage. My husband only agreed to marry me because I promised I would raise any children we had Jewish. The fact is, from the time I was old enough to start self actualizing, I realized I was very drawn to and loved the Jewish people. I was very sensitive to this fact. However, I had a very hard time getting past the fact that I was born a gentile and that I had a different ethnicity. I wished I had been born a Jew, but I hadn't been and I felt that you really couldn't change who you were from birth. Sad to say, for years I was also petrified about my parents reaction (if I converted) as I really loved them and had no desire to hurt them. Finally, after many years of being in a Jewish/gentile relationship/marriage, (our first child had already been born), I realized that I was short changing my own life out of deference to my parents' feelings and my "ethnicity" hangup so, to make a long story short, I converted orthodox and had our first child (still just a toddler) converted, too. This was more than 25 years ago and since then, we have all led a comprehensive Jewish life. All three of our kids went to Jewish day school and I gradually became observant, learning Hebrew etc. (Looking back, although I didn't do all the mitzvahs at once, I was doing my best, gradually adding them on as I felt ready and becoming more and more observant). Today our kids are all grown and all committed to the Jewish people. They've all spent a lot of time in Israel. I know I would like to make aliyah. To conclude, while I am not advocating that everyone do this (converting IS NOT for everyone), the process of a gentile converting to Judaism is not impossible but it can be very long and painful process. I know from my own experience.

So many Jews including me share your background and almost intermarried or intermarry for the reasons you brought up. Your analysis is on target and your suggestions will help many parents. Excellent article

I identify with this lady. I came from a secular background but a strong Jewish identity although we were not practising. It was important for me to marry a Jew. I married a traditional Jew, and with all the problems to do with his difficult caracter, it is a joy to be able to share the Jewish holidays with familly and friends and community, that I would not have sacrificed for anything.

This article reminds me of the young, frum Kollel families in Columbus who are constantly inviting non-affiliated single Jews to their homes. By doing so, these people are seeing with their own eyes the beauty of leading a frum lifestyle and how Yiddishkeit increases meaning and joy in life. The Kollel families are living and acting every hour, minute, and second of the day the true meaning of the words-- Kiddush Hashem.

The Kollel in Colombus are good and so are the good people from Chabad Colombus especially Rabbi Areyah and Esther Kaltmann and their shluchim! They make Yiddishkeit fun and are inspirational!

Great article. Unfortunately, there aren't as many people who care like you do. There's a wonderful book called "How To Prevent An Intermarriage" by Rabbi Kalman Packouz. If anyone knows someone who is at risk of intermarrying, I highly reccomend this book.

This article clearly shows the racial bigotry inherent in this approach to Judaism and Jewish identity. Take a look at this quote: "Dad, why is it so important that Jews marry Jews?” “Because it’s important that we preserve our unique heritage.” he replied, surprised by this basic question coming from me." This completely discounts the fact that the young non-Jewish man was willing to convert, and that the Jewish heritage, defined in any way other than in a biological sense, would not have been threatened. To base one's identity on biology and exclude others on that basis is racist, and should be anathema to Jews after the horrors of the Shoah. If the non-Jew in question is not actively opposed to raising his children Jewish, then they would identify as Jews, and even be halakichally classified as Jews due to their Jewish mother. Therefore to exclude him because he is circumstantially not Jewish is wrong and only contributes to the dwindling number of Jews in the world.

My desire to marry a Jew was a deep-seated decision spurred on by simple logic and reason. My Jewishness was so important to me that I wanted to have that IN COMMON with my future partner: that he, too, should feel the same way about HIS Jewishness, for otherwise, how else could he respect and appreciate that in me? I did not want to merely be tolerated, nor humored, or compromised with. I did not want what was MOST important to me, to be, at best, secondary to my husband. This is not racist. This was clear, honest, logical thinking, based on the facts AT THAT TIME. That thinking was borne of a strong connection to my heritage: not the evil desire to rid others of theirs, which is racism. At best you could accuse me of exclusivism: which I'm happy to admit to, because I decided that I wanted an exclusively Jewish life, with a husband that felt the same way. If this is racism, then I need a new dictionary.

Racism has nothing to do with this. There are Japanese and Chinese and Indian and African Jews all over the world. There is no block to converts based on race!! And actually, speaking of contraditions, interfaith marriage is what "only contributes to the dwindling number of Jews in the world." The point here is that unless one is halachically (and not RACIALLY) Jewish, marriage is prohibitted by the Torah. But there is certainly a way for a person of ANY race to join and become holy, so this is not a racist article at all. If the young man had actually converted, there would have been something to talk about-- but because he hadn't, and there was no guarantee that he ever would, as he may have been using it as a ploy to simply string her along-- it's silly to call it racism...

My husband and I are so upset -- our son has never dated a Jewish girl.My husband was married to a non-Jewish woman who converted and became Jewish.This woman left him and their 3 children all for another man,and also left the Jewish faith! Five years after his divorce we met and from our marriage we had a son. My son thinks that we are wrong,and that ''not all Christians'' are like my husband's first wife! I reminded our son that my husband's first wife told me that I and my people killed Christ ! I do not want history to repeat itself with my son. One date brings a marriage --- that's what my beloved Zaddie of blessed memory would say. I have been praying to G-D that my son will wake up and be with his own people.

For certain not all Christians are like your husband's first wife anymore than all Jews are like my ex wife lol or Bernie Madoff. Your son knows that's true and a falsehood will not convince him not to date Gentiles. Encouraging him to learn why he should want his descendants to be a part of the Jewish people and why he should do mitzvahs seems to me to be an honest approach. Learn thru Aish or any other traditional read Orthodox outreach program before he decides to marry anyone. How to motivate him to do that is up to you but if you speak to Aish Rabbis online or any Orthodox outreach folks they'll be glad to advise.

I can relate to your story so much that it pains me. The only difference is that I went through the religious school system and grew up in an orthodox home. These issue plague even the orthodox communities and you are right, it needs to begin at home. Our children need to be inspired by their parents and teachers and really see the beauty of leading a sincere Jewish life. Only when that becomes the essence of their values will they look for someone who shares the same goals and values. We need to daven....a lot.

Despite having grown up in a home where Shabbat and Kashruth and Jewish Holidays were respected, my daughter only saw the restrictions that Judaism placed on her freedoms to do what she wanted. She is not living at home, and dating whomever she pleases. When I recently mentioned that her father and I would have a hard time accepting if she married a non-Jew or even allowing him to come to our home before marriage (God forbid), she took it really badly, said that I didn't accept her as she is. Do I have to choose between my daughter and my religious values?

Dear concerned mother. I hear you message, but from the other side. Judaism became important for me later in life, whereas my parents aren't quite as observant. I always thought I had a problem of not being able to convince them; perhaps I just didn't have a good enough proof. The truth was, I realized, we just didn't have a good enough relationship. And I need to work on that WAY before we can share anything about Judaism.

Never ever choose between a daughter and anything. Whether or not she will talk to you you gotta continue to throw love upon her. Love for a daughter is unconditional and you gotta stress that. Shower it on her now, she needs to see the love and positivity more than ever before. Focus on the positive-not that you won't accept her-but that she is such an amazing neshama and look what amazing things she can do for the Jewish people. Write a letter from your heart. You never know what it can do (I did that for a couple of friends of mine and it really hit home)...May Hashem bless you and your children and may you all only grow in the light of Torah and mtizvos! Hatzlacha!

Dear Pessy; I just want to tell you that your words moved me and comforted me a lot. I'm still trying to figure out how to convey to my daughter that I love her without necessarily liking or accepting everything that she does. Any advice on that?

i am not a rabbi or a torah teacher, but i am pretty sure that there are specific laws regarding children who intermarry. You should consult a rabbi about the situation and how best to handle it. The Torah has very strong views on intermarriage, unlike views on other issues. it is an extremely painful and difficult situation to be the parent of a child who chooses to marry outside Judiasm. i wish you and your family much luck, many blessings and a happy ending.

If all the people in the world would keep their own identity and treasure it, the world would be much better off

what upsets me is this proliferation of self-hating Jews, never mind keeping one's identity and treasuring it.

If it's about caring try this on for size... Intermarriages happen, a lot now a days. *I* married a Jew. *I* am a non-Jew. *I* care about my childrens JEWISH heritage. I try to do MY part in ensuring they love, care, and maintain it. *I* (the non Jew) fight against assimilation to Non-Jewish culture for them. You know what we get? 'They aren't Jews.' 'I'm sorry, they can't attend Chabad because you aren't Jewish.' If this marrying NON-Jews issue was just about heritage... well... I would think that the official Jewish people would be a heckof a lot more receptive about ensuring that ALL Jewish descendants maintained good ties to their culture and ancestry..

intermarriage gets tough when the children arrive. If you care so much about non-assimilation of Jews and your children's identity, why did you not convert? it must be confusing for your children to know you are not Jewish yet push them into Jewish activities. converting would settle the differences and acceptance into the Community.

Sharon, please do not be discouraged. For some higher reason, you feel the need to strengthen the ties of your children, who are not Jewish according to our law, to their heritage. This is a wondrous and rare occasion in the painful world of intermarriage. Do not let the just concerns of certain groups avert you from your own sincere path. You will find the right community, and Jewish institutions, that will aid you in your worthy cause. There are plenty of Jews who would warmly welcome your efforts, your children, and even YOU, one day, should you decide yourself to join the fold. Try contacting your local AISH branch for help. This is their "raison d'etre". If you continue, neither your children, or your marriage, will become statistics. I wish you and your family much success and blessings.

The Jewish people holds on tight to every member of its people. It would never push away someone just because they had a nonJewish parent. But The Torah is immutable, and that is the basis of Judaism, and that will never change who is considered Jewish. I feel your pain, but you must realize that laws are laws. That's what keeps Judaism so strong. We don't fully understand why someone with a Jewish father isn't Jewish if the mother isn't but we accept it because there is so much we do love and understand and realize that this is the truth, that this is G-dly. If you and/or your children would want a sincere orthodox conversion, you may be pushed away to ensure sincerity but a sincere Jewish soul will inevitably be accepted. It is great that you try to instill this heritage but please accept where we are coming from. Thank you so much and good luck to you and your family. Sincerely yours, Pessy

Do not be discouraged, Judaism places great value upon righteous gentiles such as yourself. However, to best help your children, you need to clarify your goals for them. If you wish for them to reap the full spiritual benefits of Judaism and/or to be recognized as Jews by Chabad and other orthodox Jews, they will need to undergo orthodox conversion when they are old enough to make that choice, and will have to demonstrate sincere committment to learning, praying and observing as Orthodox Jews, and to raising their children in the manner described by the author to ensure that their descendants will do the same. It is a highly rewarding but challenging endeavor. If you seek primarily to foster cultural pride in their father's side of their heritage, they can have that as righteous gentiles and be respected and appreciated by Orthodox Jews; but, remaining technically non-Jews according to immutable law, would undoubtedly be excluded from orthodox schools and organizations and from consideration as marriage partners for observant Jews. Their best places for developing camaraderie and cultural appreciation would then be such places as Jewish Community Centers/YM-YWHAs (which are open to the whole community) and perhaps some Reform synagogues. They might even be considered Jews according to the views of such organizations; but keep in mind that, as the author points out, the more practicing and spiritually connected they are to Judaism, the greater are their chances of identifying with it as adults and transmitting it to their own children down the line.

This has been my feeling since my husband started to become more Jewish after the birth of our son. My son is an outsider from his father's religion, and even if he does convert (which he is planning on doing at 18) because I chose to maintain my religion. I have never asked my husband to convert and he has never asked me. We took each other as we were. Because of ME my husband attends services. Because of ME we keep kosher. Because of ME my son cannot wait to convert. But it doesn't matter. I am unacceptable, Period.

What is unacceptable is that so many Jews do not know enough about Judaism to realize how special it is and to avoid gambling on their and their children's futures by marrying non-Jews. Most people would not be willing to do and endure what YOU have. Yet, many people gravitate more toward religion as they face the challenges of adult life, only one of which is providing a moral framework, positive identity and spiritual outlet for their children. My own sister, who adamantly rejected organized religion and proudly married a non-Jew despite many tearful family objections, decided later on that it was important for her children to go to Hebrew school and almost without fail travels several hours to bring them to my parents' traditional-plus home for every Rosh Hashanah and Pesach. People need to leave room for such growth when they choose a partner for life, and ideally have a partner they can FULLY share the growth with. The support you have given cannot reasonably be expected, although it's wonderful you have the drive to give it. By the way, where do you suppose your determination comes from?...Is G-d giving it to you to simply to protect your son's Jewish soul from being separated from its destiny? Did you ever wonder if you are a Jewish soul who somehow became separated and your attraction to your husband and his subsequent Jewish growth may be part of a path God set for you to return?

I see you are experiencing a fact that many of us have experienced once in a lifetime with a non jewish partner, thdere is nothing new under the sun King Solomon used to say phisical desire vs commitment, believe me, in the long term, it is far better to marry a Jew because you wil be able to share all. But, there is something I do not agree with you, you seem to have only Jewish friends, that is a ghetto mentality. Be more open in this sense.

I live ina very cosmopolitan city, with 160 nationalities (!) and there is a great deal of mingling. I am sure that there are some with a ghetto mentality, but the young ones are all friends together; one sees a group of teenagers of all skin colours. The Muslim girls who wear the head-scarf are as giggly & goofy as their friends, but the scarf acts, I suspect (but don't know, of course) as a signal to non-Muslim boys that this girl is different in that way. It would be nice if anyone who is likely to stay within their faith & culture when they marry could have such a flag to say 'not available in that way' ;)